Depression

[ILOVEFLUID]

Okay, I have not mentioned this yet but I have been dealing with depression for the last year.  It doesn't really make sense because i am getting married, starting home dialysis..etc.  However, I have no motivation to do anything.  I sit at the computer all day, rarely do crafts anymore, don't read...etc.  I never want to go anywhere,  I see a therapist but can only afford to see her once every two weeks.  Anyhow, for the last 3-4 months mu muscles are seizing up on me.  It many have something to do with not moving around as much.  The doctors think it is a mixture of sleep apnea, high phosphorous and neuropathy.  I do have terrible neuropathy, my phosphorous is high right now and i was diagnosed with extreme sleep apnea two months ago.  I am on the waiting list for a cpap machine.  I felt i was coming out of the depression but now  i am slipping even deeper into it.  I want to get out in the nice weather, I want to exercises and lose weight for the wedding but i can hardly walk now.  Last night I hit a new low when i had to have my fiance help me get off the toilet because i didn't have the strength to get up.  I am scared to death that i will end up in a wheelchair soon.  I can't afford physio.  I am just at a loss.  It is also affecting my relationship with my fiance because i am so down all the time.  Don't know what telling all of you will do for me.  Just needed to vent and see if anyone had ideas or same experiences.

ILOVEFLUID

[kitkatz]

I think I am having a nervous breakdown. Funny how I waited until everything is okay, and NOW I am falling apart slowly.  HEEELLLPPP!

I feel guilty because I have no words to help you tonight ILF. I know how you feel, though.  Is that enough?

[Rerun]

You just may be suffering from computer addiction.  I realized that is what I had when my computer went down for 5 weeks.  I was at a loss for about 3 days and then I started living again. 

Now that my computer is back I'm limiting myself to once a day after everything else is done.

You can live better and be happy again.  Get away from your computer.

[goofynina]

ILoveFluid, I sent you a PM, so please, if you havent already, check your PM box, hope to hear from you soon 

[Chicken Little]

I think it would be pretty unlikely to go through this and not experience depression at some point.  It's a lot to deal with, even for the most well adjusted person.  I know my personality is not remotely the same as it was a year ago, and unfortunately it's not been a change for the better.     

Are you taking Tums for a binder?  It will help some.  You also don't need to get out, or even up, to start exercising.  I do about 200-300 leg lifts every day while sitting on the couch watching TV.  I also got some hand weights and I do arm exercises while sitting too. 

When are you getting married?  I would love to have an event like that coming up to plan for.  You, of course, always have to put your health first, but I would be focusing on that wedding and great guy taking care of you.  Remember to tell him how much his support means to you regularly.  This whole thing is very tough on our SO as well.

Just know we are here for you.    

[paris]

Depression is so well, depressing!  It just drains the life out of you and others really don't understand.  You want to have a good time and enjoy everything, but you just can't. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Talk to us - we are all in this together.  Let's talk about the wedding - I would love to hear what you are planning.  Can we help with any plans, or ideas?  Just remember, you are not alone. Pick one thing to do a day and then come back here and tell us about it.  Take care.

[goofynina]

  I would love to have an event like that coming up to plan for. 

You do, our annual meet   Hope you are planning to attend.  I have my 40th birthday coming up   

[Chicken Little]

  I would love to have an event like that coming up to plan for. 

You do, our annual meet   Hope you are planning to attend.  I have my 40th birthday coming up   

40!  You're still a spring chicken.   

Hopefully by the meet all my "problems" will be worked out and I'll be able to go.     I want my life back dammit!!!! 

Sorry for the outburst.  I've had to cancel everything for the past 6 months and I'm muy frustrated.   

[nextnoel]

It doesn't really make sense because i am getting married, starting home dialysis..etc. 

I am on the waiting list for a cpap machine. 

Of course it makes sense - you're on dialysis!  That's not "business as usual", no matter how use to it some people get!  And I hope your CPAP machine comes soon - I just got mine about 2 weeks ago, and I can see a difference in my energy level and attitude, although I'm still getting used to the mask, etc.  Better days are coming!

[ILOVEFLUID]

Update on depression and home dialysis.

Well it has been quite a week.  i arrived at the hospital in Toronto to find out they forgot to find accommodations for my fiance and I.  The only thing they could do is give us two hospital beds in a retirement home  for $85/night.  No thanksyou.  We are in our 30's and do not need hospital beds.  So we have spent the last week looking for somewhere to stay that won't break the bank.  I think we found an apartment downtown Toronto that we can rent for only a month so we are happy.  We have spent the last week sharing a bachelor apt. with a good friend of ours.  just not enough privacy or room.  I have been waiting for my CPAP machine for two months to have them call me the day i arrived in Toronto to say they have one for me.  Very nice, considering i am 3 hours away now.  Muscles are still terrible.  I actually had to be wheeled around IKEA the other day and i just couldn't walk any further.  My balance is so off, i fell in the dialysis unit and they made a huge fuss over me when all i wanted them to do was forget about it.  The training is going well.  My fiance is such a sweetheart, he is so into it and is taking care of me like and angel. I just love him to death.  On our days off, we have been touring Toronto and having a great time.  It is so nice to eat ethnic food again.  Sushi and Thai and Vietnamese...uh-oh I am drooling again.  I am seeing a change in my attitude and mood.  I am looking forward to the future again.  I am making plans of things to do once I am feeling better and not stuck in the dialysis center all the time.  I just hope i am not putting too much faith in the nocturnal dialysis and CPAP machine.  I can't handle many more disappointments.   Thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice.  It is so nice to know others are thinking of you.  A special Thankyou to goofynina.  Girl, you are amazing!!!  I truly believe you do care about me even though you hardly know me.  And i promise i will get in touch with you soon.

[goofynina]

I am so glad to hear that your spirits have been lifted since we last heard from you.  I have been waiting to hear from you, and no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, just call me, i am here for you girlfriend and yes, I DO CARE...  You keep doing what your doing and you tell that fiance of yours that i said he is an amazing man for being besides you. You keep on keepin on my friend, and remember, i am here for you always,    we all are  

[okarol]

ILF, I think depression sounds NORMAL given what you have been through. And losing muscle strength is a glimpse of the possible future limited mobility and independence - that will definetly put a damper on your outlook. I am glad to hear you have made some progress and are feeling optimistic about the changes coming up. You fiance sounds like a great guy and I wish you both the best!
 

[Adjel]

One thing I like to do is drive.  When I drive there is no past no future just what the world throws at the car.  I can stay in the moment, no health problems no bills no nothing.  It looks like with current fuel prices I have to find something else to do.  Sometimes when the weather is not nice I will design a car in my head.  Sometimes it is a classic sometimes a luxury car sometimes a sportscar.  If there is something in the design I do not understand I go the library and read up on it so that I can put it in.  Try reading something by Anthony robbins.  I have a probably unfounded fear of schools so whenever there is something I want to learn I go and study it regardless of if there is a class or not.  Anthony Robbins writes something to the effect that if you want motovation.  Write a different kind of pro and con list.  Make the against list all the negatives no matter how small with what you don't want to do.  (such as sit around trying to figure out how bad you feel)  And then make the for list all of the wonderful advantages of the thing you want to do!! no matter how much a stretch in fantasy that might be.  What will you wear to your wedding?  how wonderful will that feel to be    married?   When I was facing being in a wheel chair years ago my lists including crying at the window because I was stuck inside unable to get out.  on the otherside it included going to the corner gas station to get a soda by myself !! on my own with out sending my wife to do it for me.   Adjel

[st789]

Yes, I concur with you Adjel about driving because it is where you feel relieve and all the medical problems are nonexistence.  I think study something or reading something also help.  Staying home can be very depress when one have chronic illness.

[Sluff]

I like to ride my motorcycle and I still think a lot but I seem to find more answers when I think while I'm riding.