Craving Normality

[Khemica]

Hi...I'm in London, UK. I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years and he has been doing haemodialysis for just over 1 year now. I was 34 and him 36 when we met and for the first 2 years we had our freedom, normality, no dialysis. Things were great and they were the best two years of our lives and I knew he was my forever one. We got engaged and made plans for the future, including having a family.

Last year, he was told my his renal doctor that he will need to start dialysis 3 times a week and life for us is now so very different. I didn't cope very well with the changes at first, the loss of freedom to do what we wanted. It felt like our future plans were all shattered, especially with having a family. I was in absolute despair. I am now nearly 38 and still no children as fiancé has such a low sperm count and our chances of conceiving naturally are practically zero. We have explored IVF but it's not affordable, plus there may be implications with any children inheriting his condition. I love him with all my heart and there is no one else in this world that I want to marry and have a future with, but he is on the transplant list and who knows how long he will be waiting to get a transplant.

A year on I have come through that really dark phase of frustrations and sadness and every other emotion that comes with this experience... and i am a lot better now and have found some acceptance that if I want to be with this man then I'm never going to have normality anymore. I really crave normality and being able to do the things that couples in love tend to do in life though...

But I feel so utterly torn between my relationship and my decreasing fertility...  I can't wait much longer if I'm going to have kids. I am in absolute turmoil about this and was wondering if other partners / spouses here have been or is going through the same thoughts and feelings??

[Charlie B53]

Who is to determine exactly what is 'Normal'?

Accountants make huge assumptions developing 'Averages' which fail to include the wide range of all kinds of medical afflictions.

You make your own determination of what will be 'Normal' for you.  Make wise decisions.

Fertility can be a tricky subject.  Sperm count is not always a bar to conceiving a child.  Faith in our Maker, He makes NO Mistakes. He alone decides who concieves and how long any woman will remain without child.  While we may never understand His reasons why, we can only Trust the He knows best.  The trials and tribulations we have are merely teaching us unknown lessons in preparation for days to come.

Or so I Believe.  But because I am but a Human, I can easily be wrong.

I am very glad that you have fouond us here at IHD and made the decision to join our Renal Family.  We are all broken somewhat but the rigors of kidney failure.  But we have all made the choice to learn how to live, and to continue fighting this disease in order to keep on living and sharing with all those that we Love.

I wish you continued success with your struggles to maintain whatever you determine to be your 'Normal'.

Take Care,

Charlie B53

[smartcookie]

Khemica, I can't imagine how you are feeling!  Dialysis is a tough thing to go through, and is just as hard, in a different way, for family and loved ones.  It sounds like you are considering all angles of the relationship, which should help you make some decisions.  Just know that you and your fiancé's lives are not over just because of dialysis.  You can have a new normal.  You can still travel.  It is just going to be a different normal.  Things are going to take a little more work.  It will be worth it, though.  There is nothing that can bring to people together or tear them apart like chronic diseases. 

I am not on dialysis, nor is my husband, but we are having fertility problems, as well.  His sperm count is excellent, but I have had two uterine surgeries and am in my early 30's.  I think there may be too much scarring for me to conceive.  There are other options besides IVF.  Adoption is a big one, but I can understand the heart ache of not seeing what you and your partner look like together.  Another way is to adopt an embryo if you want the experience of carrying a child.  This means that the fertilized eggs not used in another woman's IVF can go to you.  I would check that out.  It is a little cheaper than IVF.  When you have "baby fever" it is hard to let go of that.  I hope you can find a solution that fits you and your partner.   

Please continue to reach out here.  We are always ready to listen and give advice.  I pray that you are your partner are soon blessed with a little one! 

[kristina]

Hello Khemica,
you are describing a difficult situation and I understand it very well because my husband and I went through a similar scenario and after asking many doctors etc, we decided that it would be better not to have children. Why? Because we were informed by honest medics about the huge risks involved of having a disabled child or a child with kidney disease due to my own chronic kidney disease plus SLE/MCTD etc.
Please to yourself a favour and please ask as many medics as you can possibly ask about the risks you both would/could take if you had a child.
You also can find out on the Internet about the possibilities to give birth to a disabled child or a child with kidney disease etc. due to one parent suffering from ESRF.
I wish you both good luck and I feel for you and send you my kind regards from Kristina.