Bb's Blog 1-4-14: New Year's Revelations

Bob Here

Happy New Year everybody.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, here are some random musings, some dialysis-related, some not, as we head into 2014.

Whenever New Years comes around I tend to think back on the past year in terms of things I'm happy about, sad about, ashamed of, and cringe-worthy. Last year, I'm pretty sure I had more to be happy about. That's good.

Not that there weren't some cringe-worthy moments in there as well, mind you. I'm rarely at a shortage of those.

Right at this very moment, I'm sitting in my home office watching snow plows go up the road. That's one big difference between Texas and New Hampshire. That is, in New Hampshire, they actually HAVE snow plows.

Doing dialysis at home can be somewhat terrifying at times, but there's a real sense of triumph once you get off the machine. As in, haha, I've beaten End-Stage Renal Disease for at least one more day.

Travelling for the holidays, I went in-center for my treatments. Funny how experienced, veteran attendants and nurses are all amazed at watching someone insert their own needles. They look at you like you're a cross between a space alien and Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.

If I see one of those Michael Bolton ads on TV just one more time, I think I'll go insane.

One of the best ways to pass the time while you're on dialysis is to do a Sudoku puzzle. I have an app on my iPad. Just make sure you don't injure anyone when you hurl it across the room in frustration.

There may be no greater joy than watching your 3-year old grandson open his gifts on Christmas. I lost count of how many times he said "Whoa!"

Candy Crush Saga bites the big one.

Moving out-of-state is about as much fun as having your gums scraped.

Dialysis sucks your blood, sucks your strength, sucks your energy...let's face it...dialysis just plain sucks.

Just don't let it suck your spirit.

Celebrities as a group have to be the most clueless creatures walking the earth.

Whoops, there goes another plow!

In case you can't tell, we're in the middle of a Nor'easter snowstorm.

Living on the east coast, the sunrises take your breath away.

Speaking of biting the big one, my top two favorite teams are the New York Giants and the New York Islanders. My wife has taken to hiding the sharp objects in the house whenever I'm watching one of them play.

Having bought a 100 year-old house on the ocean, I've ventured beyond my comfort level several times in the field of DIY home improvements. Despite some small successes, I think the jury still came back that I suck at DIY.

I'm growing a beard.

Reading and watching movies are also good ways to pass time on dialysis. They're also much less likely to result in injury to your fellow patients.

The other day, we went looking for sand dollars on the beach when it was about 9 degrees out. Not real smart, but we at least found 1 sand dollar.

I might have lived to this age without coffee, but I would have been one miserable dude to be around.

If anyone out there said "You mean MORE miserable?" I don't want to know about it.

Whenever I hear a song I like in the grocery store, I start dancing with my wife in the middle of the aisle, a practice that makes her want to have me executed.

How can there be so many TV stations and so little worth watching? It's pretty bad when the highlight of your viewing day is "The Andy Griffin Show."

Or Dragnet.

Chewing a Fosrenol pill always reminds me of eating chalk.

People up here drive awfully fast in the snow.

If I had to choose between visiting the dermatologist to have various trouble spots "frozen off" and going to the dentist for a cleaning, it'd be a toss up. Recently, I had the misfortune (and poor planning) to do both in the same day.

If I ever tried to "twerk," I'd land in traction for a month.

My recent travel made it clear to me that the people who run airlines don't have the first clue about how to run a business. If retailers treated their customers the way they get treated by the airlines, their windows would be boarded up in no time.

Not to mention cable TV and insurance companies.

Probably my favorite movie quote came from a sci-fi film. None other than Independence Day. I know, not exactly heavy brain-game stuff, right? The quote was, "We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore." Those are words we should all live by.

Nurses are gifts from God.

I don't get Twitter.

"Gravity" was the best movie I've seen in quite a while.

On a related note, Sandra Bullock rocks.

Why is it so hard to change the battery in a smoke detector??

If you do home dialysis treatments and don't have your machine hooked up to a battery backup, you should.

I used to like reading novels. Now, I'm strictly a non-fiction guy.

Has a "next big thing" idea ever fizzled more than the Segway?

I know there are other cute kids out there, but none of them can hold a candle to my grandson.

Not that I'm biased or anything.

It is snowing sideways right now.

Diving into the water when it's freezing cold outside might be the dumbest idea in history.

The only food I really don't like is liver.

New Hampshire has better air.

How are the Kardashians possible?

"Mama Mia" is the worst movie of all time.

"The Dirty Dozen" is the best.

I never sneeze when I'm on dialysis.

Try rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time. Go ahead. I dare you. Try it.

One of my cringe-worthy moments of last year: Saying, "Oh, excuse me miss" to a longhaired brunette I had just bumped into in the grocery store, only to realize that she was a he.

And there's always plenty of foot-in-the-mouth instances as well. Like telling an Indian girl at the store that she should try the steak, it was to-die-for last week.

It's really a wonder I haven't been banned from any of these stores.

I'd rather hear fingernails on the blackboard than machine alarms while I'm on treatment.

Why would they try to re-make a movie like Bonnie and Clyde? Don't they realize that their effort is going to pale in comparison to the original?

Best "knock knock" joke of all time:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oink Oink
Oink Oink Who?
Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl?

That just kills me.

Although, when I told it to my wife, she just shook her head and walked away.

The best food group known to mankind is french fries.

Every once in a while I say something to try to sound cool. And modern. And I completely ignore the people who say I sound like an idiot.

Recently, a lady asked me if I was squeamish at the sight of blood, and I couldn't stop laughing. She must have really thought that my glue had melted.

I’ve always had a secret desire to be a long-haul truck driver.

I'm fascinated by sharks and dinosaurs. To the point where I had serious thoughts about stealing one of my grandson's toys.

How did we ever survive without cell phones?

Not to mention microwave ovens.

The original "Pink Panther" movies with Peter Sellers are the funniest movies ever made.

Our cat sometimes looks at me like I'm crazy.

Whoever thought up the colonoscopy prep process had a really sick sense of humor.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

When you're in finance, your idea of a good time is deciphering monetary exchange rates.

I once dialyzed twice in one day.

I always wear headphones when I'm working out, which, I'm told, makes me seem indifferent, standoffish and antisocial. And if that wasn't all essentially true, that might actually hurt my feelings.

Country music rules. Modern rock is the reason the Good Lord gave us ear plugs.

My Dad wanted to name me Rawk. Thanks Mom.

And now, from the once is definitely enough category: I once went hiking in snow shoes.

Whenever anyone says "Whassup?" to me, I want to smack them.

If I wanted to dress up in a costume to answer the door on Halloween, I'd have to start drinking again.

Since starting dialysis, I've had a recurring dream about vampires.

When I get called "Robert", I know I'm in big trouble.

Shoveling snow is no fun.

Which brings me to the end of this post, because I have to go...well...shovel snow.

Thanks for reading. Take care.