Mom needs help or new living situation?

[okarol]

I don't know if anyone can help me, but I appreciate hearing from people who have experience with this.
My mom's health is stable, I suppose, for someone with Lymphoma and insulin dependent diabetes. She has some mild dementia and probably some depression. She's on an anti-depressant and i think they are increasing it. She has fallen a few times, kind of just rolling out of bed on to the floor or missing the chair when sitting. Also missing the toilet sometimes, ugh I won't go into details. Her "boyfriend" of 40 years has lived with her the last 10 years or so and he is healthy. The state provides a caregiver for my mom 5 days a week to help with meal prep, bathing and housekeeping. The last 3 have quit because the boyfriend is constantly telling them what to do. He is a jerk, it would take a month for me to explain it all. But suffice to say, he is making things worse, he doesn't help care for my mom. He pays $300 a month which they then spend on food. It's my mom's house, she's had it since my day died 50 years ago and paid it off working as a housekeeper.
The problem is that I am wondering how long we can keep my mom in her home. My sisters and brother and I had hoped she could end her days there, not have to go into a nursing home. But the falls and the toileting issue, plus the jerk running off the caregivers has us worried that she could get hurt or worse. My older sister has tried to help manage with groceries and hiring help, she is closest location-wise but has had it with the boyfriend and gets into huge arguments with him. If you ask mom if she wants him there, she answers different every time, the dementia and short term memory loss makes it nearly impossible to have her in on the decision. We would love to see the boyfriend leave but he won't, he has a 4 car garage all outfitted with his machine shop and antique cars that he builds, and he has it made. (There's no community property in Calif. for their situation, in case anyone was wondering.)
I don't know if we should just try to sell her house and put her in a nursing home. It seems like most people don't live very long in those places?
My mom is only 77 years old and her quality of life sucks. She has a bad knee and ankle and can barely get around, even with a walker. She rarely goes anywhere unless one of comes to get her, but it's very scary trying to get her in and out of the car, she's gained weight and it's hard to do. She seems to have given up.
The caregiver who quit today said she's had it with the boyfriend and cannot work there anymore.
I hope out of all this rambling someone can help me figure out what to do.
Thanks.
Karol

[lmunchkin]

Who has Power of Attorney over her estate?  Who handles things for her?  Surely this jerk doesnt.  If I lived there, he would definately not.  Sounds like you need to get the police to run this guy off, so that you can get some descent caregivers who will stay.

These has got to be Hellish for you Karol.  You don't deserve this and neither does she.  I would latch on to some strong male to run him off and keep him off. It infuriates me to hear of this kind of behavior. I just don't know how people can be soooo cruel & insensitive.

Keep us posted on how it goes or what is going on with your mother.  God Bless her.  I so wish I could help more!

God Bless,
lmunchkin

[boswife]

ok Karol, short of time right now but!!!!!!!!!!  i need to tell you something my mom told me.  But first a quick biggier storie.  She was beginning to be wheel chair bound and finding it hard to get to the rr.  My husband had us build a beautiful 'granny flat' behind our home to bring her here and he was to be her cargiver.  You'ld think that would make a mom happy.  She was estatic to come as she is very family orentated and not possession worrysome.  So anyway, she moved in, we got an extra caregiver as she got really moodie and kinda meanish.  She also began falling more and so we thought mabie physical therapy would help. We got her into a therapy nursing home situation for a short time.  She thought we were eval BUT!!!!!!!!!! after 2 weeks we brought her home and now  she was bored to death at home. Sooooo,   now, we were evil again:(  She wanted to go back where there were activities and someone always around her.  We found another place that was increadably wonderful and of corurse at first, we were evil once again, but then she loved the activities and business around her.  Like I said, it was a great place.  And then and this is what i wanted to tell you that she told me.......she said." Jill, I wish that I had come here when i was more mobile and could more easly join in on the fun. Then she pointed at some other ladies walking with their walkers and said "that should be me"  So, what im saying is, though It may be wonderful to spend your last days in your home, If she's not hellbent on it, and you dont feel she's safe, she just may benifit on a new 'stage' of life that for my mom, brought her a lot of joy and friendship.   Staying home is not the best for everyone.  You have to do whats right for her and with Gods blessings, it will all turn out alright. Sadly, we did one more move with my mom to get her just minuits away from me as her health was failing and she passed shortly after.  It was a beautiful home with just 5 other ladies and the friendship and care was wonderful, but not quite as active, as she had come to want to stay in bed most of the time. This all happened just as bo was going on dialysis so the closness was necessary and we got to spend nearly every day together for a couple hours while bo was in center.  Ok, Im getting off track now and crying    I miss her but i did my best.  You will do yours 

[jbeany]

Having her stay in her house is a lovely idea, but a dreadfully expensive one.  If the boyfriend is already difficult to work around, it's going to be even worse trying to find full-time live-in help.

She's already got dementia, so it may be time to either invoke Medical and Financial Power of Attorney - or establish guardianship through the courts if there isn't a POA.  That shouldn't be much of a fight, with proof from the docs, and the boyfriend's age.  Then you have options regarding getting the boyfriend out, especially if his name isn't on the house.  (Sounds like you get to evict him, since I doubt he will leave willingly.)

I didn't have the boyfriend mess to deal with, but the dementia and care-giver issues are all faaaaaar too familiar.  Best get together with all the siblings and be prepared to present a fully united front to both Mom and boyfriend.  Whatever you do - don't disagree on ANYTHING in front of them!

[okarol]

Oh yes, we have medical and durable power of attorney. And she had put her house in a trust without the boyfriends name on it.
I spoke to my brother and he said as soon as my sister gets here from Wisc. on Sat. that we should meet.
I know I have a negative attitude about nursing homes because I have seen some hellish ones. I need to explore more.
I like the united front - thanks for that.
  thank you

[Rerun]

They have very nice assisted living homes these days.  Take her to one.  Put a For Sale sign in the yard and tell the BF he has 30 days to get his shit out.  Do not tell him where she is.

[jbeany]

Hmmm....sounds like she had her ducks in a row already then, if you've got POA and the house in trust.  That's a relief.  And it is a way to defeat any arguments from boyfriend that she wanted him to be in charge.  If she did, all of it would be in his name. 

Then it comes down to what your mom, your siblings, and you can afford (and agree on, of course).  My gram stayed in her place with varying degrees of care from drop-in to full time.  It was over $70,000 for about 6 months, if I remember correctly when we started having the help come in to get her meds.  Not all nursing homes are awful, I promise.  But it is better to start thinking about it now, because the good ones have long waiting lists!

[okarol]

The caregiving she gets now (in home) is paid for by Medi-Cal, I think, and they will increase some if she needs more, and I think we would have to pay the balance.
Same with a nursing home, some would be covered and the balance we would pay.
Rerun, you're funny. But it is appealing LOL

[paris]

This will be some of the hardest decisions you will make.   Mom made us promise years ago to never put her in a nursing home.  She was dying at home and my stepdad was doing nothing to help her.  She also had dementia.  We had to move her -- there was no choice.  We picked a location that had every level off care, from retirement apts, assisted living and on to a special dementia wing.  She lived 5 years longer!!  They fed her well, had her move and kept her body in better condition than at home.  Of course, I cried everytime I visited. 

We did pay the difference for her to have a private room that we could furnish with her things.  It looked more like her bedroom than a care facility.

Have siblings help make the decision is good.   Ours had a bad ending.  My Mom had bought the house and lived there for 20 years before marrying my stepdad.  He ended up with everything -- house, money, etc.   Even though the house was in her name.   So I am so glad to hear the house is protected.    Old men!  And don't you know he is now in his 90's and still kicking!!  Of course, he sold the house and ran!  Do I sound bitter?   lol

[IGould]

I think some very well organized old age home providers are providing their homes at some reasonable prices with all necessary and five star facilities like, furnished bed room, equipped bath, t.v lounge, internet, wheel chair and two lifts for elders, along with 24/7 nursing facility according to their needs with complete privacy.

[lola]

  what a mess to have to deal with, but the boyfriend will be good for 1 thing at least, you can take ALL your frustration out on him ahhhhhhhhhhhhh it will feel good PROMISE But i agree give the guy 30 days to get the F out ot tell him the IHD posse will be on our way

[CebuShan]

what a mess to have to deal with, but the boyfriend will be good for 1 thing at least, you can take ALL your frustration out on him ahhhhhhhhhhhhh it will feel good PROMISE But i agree give the guy 30 days to get the F out ot tell him the IHD posse will be on our way

     Count me in on the posse!   

   (Just a little something for the boyfriend!)

[okarol]

The boyfriend ran off the last caregiver so we let them go without anyone for the last few weeks. He is so stupid - he bosses around people who are supposed to help bathe, dress and feed my mom. He just cannot stop the constant micro-managing and he drives them crazy.
My sister is interviewing new caregivers. I don't have much hope that it will turn out any differently, but I guess its a process to get us to accept she has to go into a nursing home.
Thanks for all the comments. It really helps.
And I LOVE THAT THE POSSE IS STANDING BY!! 
 

[Chris]

I do have a dog for our posse, I'll start training her
 
If you ever see the movie Columbiana, she has one of the commands down pat already.   It was a great ending to getting the bad guy.

[okarol]

 

[thegrammalady]

my mom lives in an assisted living center. cost $3,500 a month. she is independent and doesn't need extra help from staff. the cost will go up as level of necessary care increases. she won't have to leave unless round the clock nursing care becomes necessary. some of the residents have "home health care" helpers for meals etc. on the face of it it sounds expensive but it covers heat and electric, water,  cable, all meals, someone comes in weekly and cleans. the only thing she has to do for herself is laundry. and someone could do that if necessary. she has a one bedroom apartment but there are studios that are less. she won't but if she were to run out of money the residence will accept what little medicare would pay. when looking for a residence that's important to check because they don't all do that. it's a thought and might make you feel better than a nursing home.

[okarol]

My sister kicked the boyfriend out. He left my mom on the floor after a fall. He was made because she had an accident on the way to the bathroom, threw her clothes outside, and when she fell, just left her next to the bed and went out. The caregiver found her when she arrived. So in the middle of what's going on with Jenna, I have to go out there to help. Isn't this the way it goes?

[MooseMom]

I'm speechless.

[Big E]

Karol, I hope there's some legal way to keep the creep away from your mom.  I hope, for her sake and yours, that he just disappears.

[Chris]

Hopefully some good can come out of this. Hope the locks were changed.