Very Sad

[rfranzi]

Not even able to write the whole story. Let me just say, why is it that when you point out to someone that they've done something hurtful or neglectful, that you feel like the bad guy? I had to tell my son that he was being self absorbed, that he was running away from me, that when he showed up, his heart wasn't in it. I can see and feel these things. I had to hire help, as I just had my second fistula surgery recently and I just moved. If my son could have spared a couple of Sunday afternoons, I wouldn't have had to hire help, and I'm not living large (although he is), but I wouldn't ask him for help generally, and I mentioned needing some hoping he would step up, but to no avail. So, I found someone and figured I would just do it. My birthday rolled around and my son asked me what I wanted. I hate it when people do that, but I gave it a little thought because he put it like he wanted to do something nice. I asked for a little help paying with the help. I left it to his discretion whether he wanted to donate a week, a month, whatever. It was very sad to me that was what I felt I had to ask for. I began dialysis in May and the word fun has been sucked out of my life, so this just was adding hurt to hurt. So, for levity's sake, I asked for a cake (I put the word ceremony in the sentence) and his smiling face. He showed up with a cake and plopped it down. No candle. No wish. No happy birthday song. Nothing. Just a cake, and it said "happy birthday robin", not "happy birthday mom". He had a fancy bag and I thought he might have gotten a gift, but it was a cheap wall hook shaped like a scorpion. The "gift" I asked for, birthday now two days past, is nowhere in sight. This is the kind of stuff that has been going on, and just when I dust myself off and get on my feet, as I am alone (completely), he apolgizes and I forgive and then Wham, I get hurt again. I finally told him that I won't allow this anymore, and he insisted on showing up for my birthday, so I said okay, and that's what I got. Then he started talking about Thanksgiving. Now, for the last 8 years, we had Thanksgiving here with his college friends and it was always nice. This year, I am not up to the long visits and game playing we used to have. My son is also living with a new girl that he seemed to move in with overnight. But the big thing is, this year all I heard from him was that he and his friends were going to Vegas over the long weekend. Of course they are! He just took a summer vaca to Europe, and all of these things I have supported, except I told him I though they moved in too fast, but I seem to be last on his list always. Seems like having fun is more important now. At first I told myself it was just his age, denial, etc. then I said, hey, I get treated the way I allow people to treat me, and I told him if he couldn't sacrifice a party for me, then let's just not pretend it's different. Obviously the attempt to show up for my birthday was a last minute afterthought for show, and he gave me a card that said longevity on it (way to hurt a guy) with apologies in it. Like I want to keep looking at that. I tore it up after he left and threw the rest of the cake (he took half of it with him) in the garbage and drank a black russian. I am so broken hearted, I cancelled dialysis yesterday. I also cancelled Thanksgiving. I am not going to put myself through the displays of affection with the new girlfriend and the complete ignorance and lack of concern for my disease. I told my son I lost 50 pounds, which I did, and he actuallly said I looked good. I see myself in the mirror. I don't look good. I look like shit. I look washed out and jaundice. My mother is gambling and irrational, she is of no help and 3,000 miles away. I have no brothers and sisters. I moved here to put my son through college about 8 years ago, and left my friends on the East Coast behind. I was just starting to make new friends, and when I lost my job, and got sick, they disappeared. I couldn't figure out at first why I, who usually preferred to be alone but always had plenty of people around me, suddenly felt so lonely. Then it hit me, people ditch you when you are chronically ill. I get it and may have been guilty of it myself in the past. But, I truly have never been this lonely (for the right people) or broken hearted in my life. My mother sent me an equally lame brithday card, and I tore that up as well. My aunt, however, this one aunt who won't be around much longer, also back East, sent me a birthday card that said what a card should say, from the heart. It said nice things, it wasn't full of apologies or random comments, it was about me, not them, sincerely wishing me well. I sure could use more people like that. It's amazing how small a thing it takes to keep you going one more day. Just one kind comment from someone, anyone, sometimes. Because I have learned not to expect it at the clinic. How does one find the will to keep going? It is clear to me, I have to learn to do this for myself, or I will not make it. Thanks.

[Whamo]

I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time.  You need help, but you won't get it from your immature son.  Seek help elsewhere.  Try your church.  Call social agencies.  Keep trying, and you will find someone to help.  God bless you.

[jeannea]

I'm sorry things are so rough. I hope you won't skip any more dialysis treatments. You'll just feel worse. Please take care of yourself the best you can.

I think canceling Thanksgiving is the right thing to do. You don't want to encourage people to walk all over you. Do you have anyone to spend the day with? I think you need to do something. You can volunteer to serve homeless people if you like to do that. Or else be at home with your favorite comfort food and your favorite movie. Maybe throw in a phone call to that wonderful aunt. Something that makes you feel peaceful.

Please talk to your social worker about support groups or affordable therapy. I think you need it. And talk to someone about nutrition. You need to build up your strength.

Hang in there. Dialysis is hard but you can manage it. Come here any time.

[chinksnicky]

Happy belated Birthday,Robin.Hope your day gets better!your friend,Nick

[Big E]

Happy birthday rfranzi. 

Just yesterday I had a family member say right out loud that she hated me and that she was tired of dealing with my problems.  She accused me of bring a crazy anorexic. Since I was just being discharged from the hospital for some heart issue, this was the last thing I needed to hear!  I'm not an anorexic, I've just lost weight from the kidney disease, and I may be crazy but she's crazier.

I think some of the problem is that people think dialysis is a cure--I know that's what I thought before I started it. People don't understand that it doesn't restore you to full health, and they expect you to be more independent than most of us are able to be.

I'm sorry your son is so unkind, but young people tend to be self-absorbed--they're trying to find their own place in the world and sometimes forget to think about other people's feelings.  Keep coming to IHD. We care about you and hopefully can help talk you down when you feel depressed.
 

[Ricksters]

Happy Belated Birthday, Robin!
I'm sorry about the way your son is treating you....I know from experience how aself-absorbed iur kids can be!  ALl we can do is do our best as parents and then let them go...I know my daughter rarely calls or visits, and it is very hurtful!

Ricki

[Deanne]

I'm sorry you're sad.

When I read other peoples' posts, I think about how what that person is saying is the same as or different from me. We have some similarities. I live alone, am nearly 50 years old, and am a long way from family. I talk to my parents once/week and one of my sisters emails occassionally. I hear from my other two siblings about once/year. They don't bother to call or email, and don't even tell me "thank you" for sending them Christmas gifts. They don't send me gifts. I usually think they've forgotten I exist. So a few similarities.

I'm not unhappy though, so I had to ask myself what the difference is. Why are you unhappy and I'm generally a happy person? Something I see in your posts is that it seems like you're looking to other people to find happiness. When they don't live up to your expectations, it makes you sad. This is understandable - you feel let down. Of course you'd be sad about that. I don't think people will ever live up to what you expect them to be. They are who they are - our choice is to accept them as they are, be grateful for the little things, and look only in the mirror to find the person who can make us happy, or be angry and unhappy. With lower expectations, when other people do something nice for you it's a pleasant surprise and brings a feeling of joy with it instead of disappointment that that's all there is.

You feel disappointment disappointed because you wanted your son to help you. If you expected nothing from him and he gave you a cake and a card, you'd be thrilled because you got 200% more than you expected from him - yahoo!!!!!! Instead, you expected more and got only 10% of what you wanted, so you're disappointed. Your son likely sees the disappointment and feels he can't live up to your expectations, so instead of trying harder, he backs away.

I'm not sure if my rambling makes any sense. I have a dog barking at me for attention and I'm supposed to be working. I hope you find a way to be happy.

[glitter]

Deanne- that is some terrific advice.   


rfranzi- I'm sorry your sad too- 

[Bajanne]

I am so sorry to hear of your sad situation, but I am glad that you turned to your IHD family to share it.  Sending a cyberhug your way   I think that people act in these thoughtless ways because they are thoughtless.  They do not think through their actions and how they affect others.  But you just stay strong!

[Rerun]

After a fistula surgery it takes about six weeks for me to bounce back.  Hire help if you have to.  Screw everyone else for now.  You will bounce back and feel better and see things in a different light.  I'm alone and 51.  I do have lots of family around and friends but I had to move back home for that.  AND guess what?  I only have ONE sister who helps me and I feel so bad that I'm hogging all of her time.  And can I be there for her someday?  I hope so but geez my problems occur to something different every week!  She now has to go in my yard and find dog poop because I can't see it!  She is a saint!

Once you do feel better.  Start going to a bible believing church.  Not that anyone there will be there for you either.  But, God will.  It helps me to know that even if I die and no one finds me for 3 days and my dog chews off my nose that I'll be in a better place.... not on earth to feel anymore pain.

And when the girlfriend dumps your son and moves out.  And he comes to you for comfort?  Tell him to 'get over it.'
On his next birthday cake put "Happy Birthday Son" so he knows how to do it right.

        Oh, and call your nice aunt today and tell her what a difference she made in your life.  It will make her year!

[BobN]

Robin, the first thing you need to focus on is yourself, as in no more skipping dialysis.  Keep yourself healthy, all the other issues are secondary.

Talk to your social worker and the nurse in your center about possible opportunities to volunteer, get out and interact with others.

And third, lean on this IHD community.  We're all brothers and sisters here.  We know what you're going through, many of us have similar experiences.

And, we care about you.  God Bless.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[cassandra]

Happy belated birthday Robin. Lots of good advice above.


     

love Cas

[rfranzi]

Thank you all for such wonderful advice, and such kind support. I am going to follow some of that advice. I actually felt a little better skipping a day, my hormones started to settle down. I have to admit, the emotional storms hit hard with a little disappointment. But some folks on here are right, I had expectations based on God knows what. I have sent an apology for being a dick, and asked for a do-over and a phone call. I indicated that dialysis was probably not the best place for me to have a private conversation, but I hope to hear from him tonight or tomorrow. Just so my expectations don't get out of whack, I did ask him to indicate when he might call. He is the last person I want to hurt, and I know his heart is in the right place. I had to reach out to him, and I have been so independent until now, I really didn't know how. I am learning, and now I have to also teach him as I learn, for the benefit of his future relationships, but I have to learn to do it with kindess, and not all that pent up anger. I am working with my counselor on coping skills. I have gotten some help. That might help me have less resentments...at dialysis now, but in the last hour - yay! I just hope he forgives ME for being a little self absorbed as well. I know he has things to learn and there is a maturity curve there, but I want to set a better example than waiting for him to come around and then just blowing up instead of showing appreciation. I have to give him credit, I wouldn't want to be around me lately either. Working on myself. Thanks for all the support and advice. Sometimes I express feelings here, I'd rather not say anwhere else. Nice to be understood and not judged for it. Thanks.

[MaryJoe]

  Robin!  You seem to be feeling better today, and I am happy to see that.  It sounds like you have come up with a good plan to let your son know that you realize some of the altercation was your fault. (Got to love those hormone swings!)  I hope he accepts the olive branch being offered and calls you soon.  Perhaps he'll be more open to listening and really hearing your concerns when you try to tell him the things that worry you or that you feel you need help with.   

[boswife]

   awwwww, glad things were in the 'working out' stage before i read so i can just feel the reliefe not the sadness.  Not that i wouldnt have shared it with you and tried to take some off you, but its sometimes nice to get in on the tail end of things gone wrong......... goen right   Hope your nite is blessed and keep going upwards 

[natnnnat]

  Its hard to be a human.  We can only do what we can.  I am glad to see you sounding a bit happier, I know how hard these kind of hard times can be.  They will come good, give it time.

[kit78]

Robin, sounds like you got a lot of good advise from all these nice people.  I would to chat if you care too.  I too, have problems with my son since his father just passed in August. He thinks I said something and will not speak to me. What did I say?  i have no idea and was in the hospital when this all came about right before his dad's memorial.  So I am left hanging. Kids!!!!!!  Drive me nuts!  LOL  Hang in there, it will get better!

Jan