So tired

[Brightsky69]

Does this ever end?! Do I need to die to get some peace?

I am on my second transplant thats 2 years old and it's hanging in there. I was diagnosed with stage l myeloma and now I have chronic anemia. At last labs my HGB was 6 I've lost about half my blood volume. I get blood transfusions almost 3 times a month.

I am tired. Tired of this broke down body, tired of lab work, hospitals, doctors, tired of being scared. I had a dream not long ago where the doctor told me that my transplant was failing and because of my other medical issues I wouldn't be able to get another transplant.
I do my best to pull my boot straps up and keep on going and try not to think about it all. But some days I just have crying fits because it gets a bit overwhelming.
I am supposed to be moving in with my BF because we are building a house. I have this nagging fear that by the time the house is built I am not going to make it. I can't picture what the house is going to look like, I have seen the house plans. I can't picture me living in the house. I can't see it in my minds eye.
My doctors have no idea where all my blood is going. I have no obvious bleeding anywhere. I am seeing a hematologist and as he said I have him stumped. He has no idea what could be going on with my blood. He is sending me to a GI doc to see if I may have a GI bleed somewhere. The blood is not leaving my body by any obvious means.
I think I need to get a journal...and start getting this all out on paper.   

[justme15]

I'm sorry you feel this way.  I can relate to the low Hgb, but thankfully after 2 years mine has crept up to 9. so i know how it feels to always be sleepy and exhausted.  It's ok to cry. I cry almost daily, usually when I'm alone.  Then I move on with  my day. If you are a person of faith, now is the time to draw strength from your beliefs.

[Brightsky69]

I do have faith and thats about all I have. I have people in my life that do their best to be supportive but they don't know. If I get too into what I am feeling just evening mentioning I am sad....I get blank looks. Deer in the headlights type stuff.

I must admit it does feel better just to get my feelings out on paper, I think I will try a journal. I may even try the local cancer support group.

[MooseMom]

I think a journal is a wonderful idea.  Try it for a while to see if it helps.

I know what it feels like to look into the future and see nothing.  It is so psychologically debilitating.

There IS a reason behind your chronic anemia; they've just not found it yet, but once they do, your future should look brighter.  The unknown is scary.

[lmunchkin]

My goodness, Brightsky, I hope they find out what's causing this. I don't have this disease, but I watch my husband when he gets sad, and it hurts me so much, cause there isn't anything I can do for him but just be there! I don't see how you all cope.  The human spirit is so amazing to me!

I will be praying that they find the answers to this blood loss thing.  Hang on girl, it will be okay!

God Bless,
lmunchkin

[Brightsky69]

Well, they have me scheduled for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. Hopefully that will show something.

I did buy a journal and I am thinking about a little get away....just to forget about doctors and hopsitals for at least a couple of days.  I think I do need a break from all this mess.