I need some opinions please!

[Kitty Cat]

Here's what happened. This was a very tough week for me because I had stumbled across some more things that I needed to take care of on Mark's behalf.  I have a very hard time with this because to me it's one more piece of closure that I don't know I'm ready for.

The new job, I haven't said much of anything there, but have mentioned Mark maybe 10 times in the month I've been there, just passing comments. I was talking to an older gentleman about things, thanking him for making my first day much easier because he's so pleasant and told him how I'd worked to make sure Mark passed away at home. I was NOT talking to anybody in the office. Well, one of the head girls heard the conversation and later that day when I went to the bathroom, apparently they didn't know I was there and at first I didn't know it was me they were talking about. I overhear the head girl saying that she has compassion but my head is so far up my a** that I can't do anything right! There were a couple more comments about how they were sick of hearing me talk (I swear I haven't said much of anything because it's too painful) and then one of them saw me come out of the bathroom and quickly changed the subject. I still didn't want to believe it was me they were talking about, I didn't say anything to anybody that afternoon (or since) and both of them were all of a sudden so interested in talking to me. That's a dead give away of guilt. The next morning, one of them came up to me and in a loud voice "Good Morning!" first time that's ever happened too.

Now, I am so hurt I desperately want to quit. I have done nothing to these people and this was so undeserved. Obviously her idea of compassion and mine vary greatly. I don't know what to do. I've thought about confronting her, however that is not an option, because she is one of my bosses. I won't go to my head boss because what goes around comes around and I am not confrontational, unless I really need to be.

The adult thing would have been for them to apologize, but I see that won't happen. Plus, if this is how they really feel, where does that leave me? This can cost me in raises in the future. This person is one of my bosses.

I am looking for a new job, my hours hinder when I can get to an interview.

In reality, I am more pi**ed off that my husband's name was dragged through the mud like that when he can't defend himself and they have never met him to know how awesome he was.

In case you think this may be a conversation about somebody else as I first did......it was definitely me. There was too much to back up what they said.

Any ideas you can give me will truly be appreciated....I am at my wits end.

[boswife]

im behond hurt that this could happen to you ... I cant even type.. you should see what is going down as typing before corrections..  I can only hug you and wish you well..and mabye later i can think strait and have something to ovver..  Im so soorry

[lmunchkin]

I would pull her to the side and request a private conversation.  Tell her what's on your heart and you wanted to get this cleared up before it festers!

Good luck & keep us posted, Kitty!
lmunchkin
 

P.S.  I see no need for you to leave!  Youv'e done nothing wrong!!!!

[boswife]

  on what imuch said!  very important to handle beore it festers... dang.. my hands shacking and head crazy..

[willowtreewren]

Kitty Cat,

This is a difficult situation, but the most important thing to remember is that YOU are not the one who did anything wrong. It was childish and petty for the co-workers to speak about you in the way they did. And they got caught with their pants down, so to speak. So they have a right to feel guilty, but you shouldn't.

If you like this job, don't let these comments force you away from it. Instead, take the high road. this is what you could do.

Go directly to the woman who is in the boss position who you over heard. Don't say anything about what she said about Mark, but simply state that you couldn't help but overhear her comments about your job performance. Politely let her know that if there are any issues with your job performance, you would truly appreciate any feedback that could help you improve. You are new at this position and feedback is an important part of improvement. If she is in a managerial position, she owes you that much. You might also comment that in the future you would appreciate her coming to you first with any issues about your job performance so you will have a chance to rectify them.

Of course, it was extremely unprofessional of her to be discussing your performance with any one except you. The important thing is that you want to be professional in how you handle the situation, even if she wasn't.

What a terrible thing to have happen to you. Hold your head high. Teach by example. But carry with you an extra hug from me.

 

You did not deserve this. 

Aleta

[monrein]

I echo everything that Aleta says in her post.  You have nothing to feel badly about although of course you feel hurt.  I hope you can resolve things in a professional way.
 

[natnnnat]

I am not surprised you feel hurt.  Aleta's advice is good.  But its hard to get past the first few encounters after something like this.   

[natnnnat]

You described her as the 'head girl'.  That might be a turn of phrase, or perhaps she is young?  Young people are not always, but can be very silly.  Mind you I regularly meet 50 year olds who still haven't worked this kind of lesson.  They may not have learned the damage that bitching behind backs can do, and their attempts to be 'nicer' to you afterwards may be indications that they were honestly sorry for what happened.  They might be learning the hard way the difference between what they might say to connect with each other and tell an outrageous tale, and what they would really say to a person's face.  The "truth" is usually somewhere in between.  I hope there is some possibility like that in the situation, that they were exaggerating in what they said to each other, that they may have noticed how unkind it was, and sincerely wish they hadn't said it in your hearing.

[ToddB0130]

I'm sorry you went through this and you've gotten some great advice already.  If you like the job and do the best you can every day,  then there's no way you should leave.   Definitely talk to your boss and ask for feedback on your performance to date.  It's hard to do,  but I do think you owe it to yourself to mention to her what you overheard as well to get it out in the open and hopefully put it behind you.  Work situations are difficult,  you spend so much time with these people that you want them to be 'friends and sometimes family' .........but often they're just going to be people you work with and that's all.  Sounds like this is your case here.  Do your work and leave the rest (including them) there when you leave.  Good Luck

[Kitty Cat]

Thank you all for the advice. I am due a 90 day review at the end of March. We'll see how it goes by then.

The asst is the same age as my daughter, the person she was talking to is older than me. I'd been shying away from people because I'm still trying to cope with the loss of Mark. So I kept conversation to a minimum and went home to tend to my family and friends. That was working, now I won't even talk there unless I'm directly spoken to.

I have had a feeling about this place since day 1, I should have listened to my instincts, they are always right. I'm going to give it a little more time, last night I realized that they don't own me, meaning if it gets too much worst than it is now, I CAN quit and find something else that I do fit into. I want to work where I can be myself and here I definitely can not. Plus, when July comes, I AM getting registered for school. I need to get started on that path.

At this point, I'm going to take it one day at a time (shouldn't I be used to that by now???) see where this road takes me and see if I need to make a change. I want to work with people, I enjoy working with people, maybe I was so desperate to get back to work that I jumped on the first thing but it isn't where I should be.

I can always find another place doing the same kind of work I am now, or maybe it's time to find a different way to help people. I do know that I am not going to keep coming home at night and crying myself to sleep. It's not worth that kind of aggravation.

[willowtreewren]

I can always find another place doing the same kind of work I am now, or maybe it's time to find a different way to help people. I do know that I am not going to keep coming home at night and crying myself to sleep. It's not worth that kind of aggravation.

So, true, Kitty Cat. So true.

If you had a niggling feeling about taking this position, you now know why.

 

Here is to the future! 

Going back to school will be such an awesome journey. And I know you can find just the place you want to work with the kind of people who will appreciate you!

 

Aleta

[cariad]

Kitty Cat, I am so sorry that these unprofessional twits have made you feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome. I am glad for two things, though: you found out early so that you've wasted very little time there, and now that woman has been shamed for her behaviour, which is very much deserved in my opinion. I do love Aleta's advice, perhaps you could bring the incident up at your performance review.

I admire you for pressing on with your life so diligently. Don't you dare cry about this anymore. It isn't worth it, she doesn't know what she's talking about, and she sound like an angry, devious sort. Best to learn that now and plan your escape. 

[glitter]

Just remember-people who have never lost a spouse, dont get it-people say the dumbest things to grieving people, I have had former friends who got angry I wasn't 'over it' in a couple of months. They just dont understand how it affects everything you do.  I sent you a pm. Keep your chin up, people can be so hurtful when they are clueless. 

[Kitty Cat]

Maybe this was an eye opener...meaning I stopped burying all of my emotions to get through the day and started feeling again. I've been crying my eyes out all day. I miss him horribly and it almost has a surreal feeling to it at times, like he'll come through the door from dialysis! I've just put up a post on facebook telling people that I need to make some hard decisions about my life and I'll be back at some point. I know I'll get yet another phone call from my daughter, she's especially worried about me. She offered to come over today w/my little men and I told her no. I've never done that before.

I know, if I leave this job, I'm going back into counseling. The hours of the job are so screwy that there's no way I could get back into counseling. Right now I am thinking that I need to get myself together in a healthy way before I can move forward...

I've dealt with the folks that "don't get it". I have more empathy for them because they don't understand than somebody who knowingly launches a tirade like she did. If it was a regular conversation, I don't know that I'd have even heard it. She was yelling. No way I could miss it. Tomorrow is Monday, which is usually crazy busy, so we'll see if I can ignore them all.

[Gerald Lively]

My name is Gerald and the answer to your problem is what I did for a living.  I am now retired.  First, you can take my advice or you can leave it. I only ask that you consider it.

You cannot control what others say or think.  Unfortunately you heard what amounts to gossip.  Forget it, do not mention it to anyone else.  In these things you can only trust yourself.  Absolutely do not participate in the grapevine.  It’ll bite you in the ass, eventually.  Separate occupation from your personal concerns.  Remember, your own thinking is more important than anything others might say right now.

If you like the job to the extent that it might mean a career, make yourself indispensible.  That means nose to the grindstone, learn as many details to the position as is possible, be the go to person in the office (or wherever).  This requires time.

Learn the Boss’ work habits.  Just watch what goes on around you.  Say nothing, just observe.  You may need to know this in some future meeting, and it can help frame your conversation with he/her.  Remember, not all Boss’ know what they are doing and more often than you probably realize, they fear a real talent.  If your boss calls you in, talk about him/her, Boss’ have large egos. 

Pay attention to possible errors in your work.  Solve those problems by yourself, if you can.  If you cannot solve a particular problem, ask a peer, not your boss.  If it were me, I would make minimum contact with the people who you overheard.  Your personality may change that.  Follow the rules.

Make yourself indispensible.  Yes, I have already said that.  Nail that concept down.  Print it on your forehead.  Do not socialize with anyone there unless you already do.

Yes, I know you received contrary advise.  Confrontations with superiors never work.  Each problem may require different solutions.  I am here, contact me anytime.

Remember, Einstein almost flunk out of school.

gerald

[boswife]

Kitty Cat, Gl gives good advice.  for 20 years in the same job, doing just about what gl suggests, kept me right in the position i needed/wanted.  And pleasantly so...  Social outside of work, listen to others out of work.  But do your job at work, and well, all those other suggestions he offers are invaluable.
Still, my heart is with you.  And i wish you better than ya had to deal with at this time...  bless you, and give you strength to do what ya need to do..

[Kitty Cat]

Gerald,

Thank you very much. Confrontation was definitely not an option. I also stay as far away from the grapevine as possible. I've always done that because it never turns out well. I've seen it too many times.

I've been hearing from a number of people how well I've been doing, especially since I'm still in training. I've apparently "got it" but making this a career is definitely not what I want to do. I am going back to school in August to become a social worker for dialysis patients. That is my dream job. It's something I want to do because of experiences in the dialysis unit, good, bad and ugly. I want to be able to help not just the patient but the family as well. The social workers my husband had some were exceptional and worked with the family, but the last one had just graduated and wanted a pay check, creating all sorts of chaos for us.

I feel in my heart that I made a huge mistake, I've never felt like this accepting a job anywhere and I was so worried about jump starting my "new" life without Mark that I barreled in without seriously considering it.  The good thing is there's always an out, I may have to take that and go somewhere else. Right now I'm considering all my options and that's why I wanted opinions because I have to get past the hurt first so I don't do something else rash. But I really should have listened to my instincts, they were very alert through the interview. Every single time I ignore them, I end up stuck.

[Gerald Lively]

Kitty Cat;

My wife is a career Social Worker and just retired.  Post here to contact her or, send her a persoanl message at Juzzme.

A dialysis social workwer requires a masters Degree.  I have the dialysis problem, she had the degree.

gerald

[MooseMom]

  for you, Kitty Cat.  Losing Mark puts you into uncharted territory, I'm sure, so it's understandable that mistakes may be made.  You may have made a "mistake", but maybe not...now you can be more certain than ever that returning to school is the right thing for you.  Your emotions must still be so raw, and it is hard to predict what will help and what will just end up bringing you more hurt.  And since you can't control how other people react to you, that can make it harder.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive these thoughtless people.  They obviously have not experienced deep grief, but one day they will, and hopefully they will remember their hurtful comments made all those many years ago.  If you can forgive their ignorance, maybe your hurt will subside just a small bit.  I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and hope that August comes around really quickly.

[billybags]

I applaud what Gerald said to you Kitty Kat, just take his advise. I really am sorry you are going through all this. You are still very raw and will be for a long, long time. Stand back and think "is this the job for me" You might have jumped a little to quickly into it, but at the time it made sense to you. I hope you are looking after your self. We are always here for you. Keep in touch.