I need advice please!

[gothiclovemonkey]

As some of you know, i have been living with my father and his wife, who is insane. I have been walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace the entire time. This woman has said and done things to me beyond belief, yet i forgive each time.
FF to right now, her daughter is also now staying with us. Her daughter told me that my step mother is saying im a hypocandriac, i dont pay rent, i dont do anything around the house, im ruining her marriage to my father, i look like my mom so my dad wants to have intercourse with me.... etc etc (did i mention she is insane??)
SO now im faced with this bs AGAIN for the humpteenth time, i know that i need help, but at the price of my sanity? should i move out? what should i do??? i cant do this alone!

[CebuShan]

What does your Dad have to say about all this? Or does his wife have him so cowed that he just goes along with her to keep the peace?

[MooseMom]

What does your Dad have to say about all this? Or does his wife have him so cowed that he just goes along with her to keep the peace?

I agree with this 1000%?  Where the hell is your dad?  He shouldn't allow this despicable behavior in his home.

[ToddB0130]

WOW.   That's really unpleasant and I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that on top of everything else.  I'm hoping your father has your back and is supportive of you and your situation.   That's the most important thing.  If he is,  you need to talk to him and ask him to tell her to back the F off.

For her to think you're faking or a hypocondriac ..... she's cuckoo for sure.  Maybe you should drag her along to some of your doctor visits and let her hear what they say about your various illnesses, etc.   She can't say that the professionals are faking too (....and why would anyone put themselves through all of this .......REALLY ?).

I think you have to weigh whether you're going to be better off on your own or staying with them.  How will it impact you financially, support-wise, etc ?   If being on your own is going to add to your current stress and burden,  then unfortunately it's going to be necessary for you to try and find a way to deal with her and management the situation.    I am really, really sorry about this and hope you're able to figure it out.

You are not responsible for the state of her marriage.  Like I said,  if your father is okay with the situation as it is,  then she needs to back off.  I'm sure if her own daughter had such problems as you face,  she'd be singing a different tune.  GOOD LUCK.

[gothiclovemonkey]

My father is a submissive man, he doesnt speak up, even when i lived here before, she kicked me and my son out ON HIS BDAY.... shes NUTS i tell u.
I know she has mental problems, and i try to respect that, and be there for her, and try to forgive and stuff, but this is BAD. the things she says about me behind my back, and then acts like she cares, even says she loves me (except the one time she straight up said, i dont love u) its ridiculous, and i dont want to cause more issues, so i dont say anything i just take it and take it and take it....
i cant take it anymore, i have HAVE to say something!
My dad said he wont let her kick me out, but at the same time, i dont want to be the cause of her leaving if it comes down to "me or her" which is what she has threatened in the past...
Im not here because of some dumb reason, some mistake i made, im here because im sick and i cant do it myself, i have tried, for the first 6 years of my sons like (except the first year*.)  i have been doing it on my own.
Now, her daughter is here, pregnant, homeless, jobless, and already has 2 kids that arent in her custody.... all by her own choosing. I like her, she has been making leaps and bounds trying to get back on track, shes going to give the baby up for adoption because she knows she needs to, but this whole situation caused my step mom to go off the deep end again, and i just cant stand her telling people all these lies about me
ah this is too much for me
how many times can she do this before i snap? how can i sit by and NOT say something???

[jbeany]

My two cents...

1.Research every option you have for getting out.  Find out if it's even possible.  If the financial support isn't there, then you don't have any choice but to stay.
2.  Move out if you possibly can.
3.  If it's not an option, then you have more choices to make, but one has been made for you.  If you are staying, you have to decide how to handle her.
  Option 1 for handling her.  Continue to bite your tongue.  It won't be easy, but if you already know you have no way out, it may be the best choice.
  Option 2 for handling her.  Explain your problems with her to your dad and directly ask him for support.  Have several ideas how he could act to support you, preferably non-confrontational ones if he has a problem standing up to her.  Are they ways he could distract her when she starts up?  Offer him several direct suggests.  "Dad, when she does this, I think it might help if you do this..."
  Option 3 for handling her.  Confront her, calmly, firmly and rationally.  Do not raise your voice.  Use "I" statements, not "you" statements.  "Step-mom,  I feel like we aren't understanding each other.  When I talk to Step-sis, she says that my health problems are causing some issues that so far you haven't felt comfortable talking directly to me about.  We are a family and I want us all to get along.  What can I do to help us get along better for the sake of my son?"  Rehearse what you want to say.  I'd suggest doing this conversation with witnesses, preferably both her and your father, if not step sis, too.
  Option 4 for handling her.  Take the low road and tell everyone she's off her rocker and if she leaves, she's just using your health problems as an excuse to deny her own.  (Okay, it's true, but maybe not helpful!   )
 

[gothiclovemonkey]

sadly i have tried asking her before, because she called my ex sis in law and said "Now shes here ruining MY marriage" she told my bro, who told me, and i asked her about it. I said "Is there something that I am doing to upset u?" and she said no why, so i told her what i was told, she started screaming at me calling me names said i was lying.... that was the day she told me she doesnt love me.
tomorrow im going to ask my dad what he thinks i should do, we go for coffee at my brothers of a morning, and she doesnt come with, so im just keeping calm as possible for tonight. but i really cant just keep letting her do shit like this...
its even getting really annoying that she is playing my son in all this too...

Financially, i could probably handle it, it would be hard, but ive done it on less, so that isnt really an issue... its the being really really sick so often, there are times i am constantly throwing up or diareaha, some times i pass out, sometimes i cant see 2 inches in front of me... i shake uncontrollably to where walking is a problem... i thought that had stopped, but it came back with a force. i dont want my son to find me dead one day.

dad has told me i am NOT leaving, but does he expect me to keep kissing her butt and walking on eggshells?

[Jean]

What a trial this is for you. Your last sentence was, Dad said I am NOT leaving. If you trust him, then just go about your business and ignore her completely, I know that is difficult to do, but number one person here is YOU!!! I have been forced to live with others thru no fault of my own once or twice and I truly felt like Cinderella, way before the pumpkin came along. I was expected to do all the cooking and all of the cleaning that had not been done for several years, just to keep a roof over my dying husbands head and his son and I. Opening my mouth was not acceptable to any or all of my dear sisters in law, and all I got from them was criticism. So yes, it is hard, but sometimes, you just have to suck it up and you will live thru this. Besides, she is a screwball and your father would probably be glad to get rid of her, he just does not have the gumption to throw her out.   

[CebuShan]

It sounds like you have custody of your son. If so, this has to be hard on him also. Maybe if Dad won't stand up to her for you, he'll do something for his grandson. Forgive me for asking but is your mother around? Would that be an option?

[gothiclovemonkey]

i do have custody of my son, and she plays "good guy" goes over my head with him, spoils him, and im kinda worried there may be something else going on, i had a convo with my step sister tonight that has me fuming mad, worried, and something WILL be done. I am now worried about my father, my son, and my own safety! This is not good at all, and i dont know what to do, but i will be doing something, if i have to move, i move, i wont live with her after what i was told.
my mother passed away in 98 so no thats not an option lol

at any rate  i cant put my son at risk so ill figure something out.

[CebuShan]

I'm sorry about your Mom. This is definitely not a good situation. Even more that yourself, you need to protect your son. Could you get section 8 housing? I'll keep looking into some other options.   

[RichardMEL]

Ugh Where's Jerry Springer when you need him? More to the point where's Steve the security dude?

I prefer option 2. The other options suck. The key here is your dad I think. The fact that he seems to have said you won't be kicked out/won't be leaving shows that on some level he has an understanding of your situation and perhaps even a clue where the problem lies. I think this is important.

I wonder why he stays with her - does he have no self respect? Or perhaps she hides her manipulations from him. Weird. I don't understand people sometimes.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Oh the tangled webs... my gosh, i am in shock over here.
things went from bad to omgwtf over night. i have been bawling at my brothers house all morning.
I wont bore u with alll the gory details, but just enough so u can assist in my thoughts because i cant tell if im doing the right thing or not. I am trying to put this in Gods hands, but I am so lost right now. On one hand i do not want to cause more drama, but something MUST be done.
Last night, I was talking to my step sister, found out some really really bad things from my step moms past (things like her drowning the kids, pulling knifes on them, etc thats why my other 2 step sisters never come around...)
My step sister also confirmed my suspicion that my step mother killed my dog. wwho was more than a dog to me. Because she was jealous of her(the dog) and my fathers relationship.
and last night she grabbed my step sisters bf because he was letting clean water run while doing the dishes? oook
Now, this all could be bs, but something tells me it isnt. this woman is nuts, i once woke up to her standing over me in the middle of the night....
This really scares me.
So today, i told my dad EVERYTHING which was so hard to do... but he hugged me and told me everything will be ok. I told him i dont want to cause more drama, but i cant stay if shes going nuts like this, its not safe, and i dont trust that she wont hurt someone.
this is too surreal for me , i cant believe this, and this whole time i thought i was just being paranoid or stupid, but now ive had all this told to me, and i want to scream because i dont know what to do
im sorry for all the drama, but i really need advice, i really do fear for my familys saftey at this point.
i am going to go stay the weekend at my brothers, with my son.

[CebuShan]

Glad you have somewhere to stay the weekend. Take a little time to relax and clear your head a bit.

[renalwife]

You are not responsible for your step-mothers acts or her mental illness.  What you are responsible for is your safety and your son's physical, mental and emotional well being.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.  And you Don't have to,

If what your step-sister says is true about your step-mothers' drowning the kids, pulling knives on them etc, (whatever the etc is?) and killing your dog,then  these are all illegal acts and are reportable crimes.  Awaking in the middle of the night with your step-mom standing over you is simply unacceptable.

And on top of that, having your dear son witness this mental cruelty is child abuse and he  should be removed from that situation promptly. 

From what you have posted, I believe that this is an emergency situation and that either she goes or you go. 

Being temporarily in a shelter is probably safer for you and your son than staying in the house with your step-mother.

I know you are in poor health and should not live alone.  So if I were you, I would get in touch with the city/county/state social services and tell them your situation and inquire if there are any programs you would be eligible for.

Blessings and be assured of my prayers.

[ToddB0130]

Sorry to hear the latest update.  Hopefully your brother can assist and possibly put you up on a short term basis until you're able to either get your own place or the step mother gets out of there (you need to report her to the police for any one of the issues you list,  there should be a record of it all for further investigation).   Good Luck & Be Safe

[sullidog]

This sounds like a good case for Steve wilkos!
Is there friends around that could take you in? I'd also discuss this with your dialysis care team.

[CebuShan]

If staying with your brother for more than the weekend is not an option, definitely talk to your D team. You might be surprised at the resources they can put you in touch with. I do also agree that a visit to the police is called for. Even though YOU can't prove some of the things you've heard; there are things you have witnessed. PLUS there is your son to consider.

[Poppylicious]

Oh, gosh.  I'm so sorry.  What is your dad going to do now?  Are your step-mother's mental health issues formally diagnosed and does she have a care-worker/doctor?  If it is and she does then I would think that they need to be made aware as soon as possible.  If not, would your dad (or your step-sister) be willing to go and talk to a doctor about the situation and get some advice?  Although the police won't be able to do anything about the past allegations (unless one of your step-siblings is prepared to come forward) it might be a good idea that they're aware.

I am so pleased that you're able to get your gorgeous little boy away from there for the weekend. Would it be possible for you to stay a few more days with your brother to give everybody more time to sort things out? 

*huggles*

[gothiclovemonkey]

well, i called her dr, and the nurse said there was nothing they could do, but she said she would let her dr know...
the past is in the past, and she actually already did time in a state mental facility for alot of it... (but i was just informed of it, and rather upset that noone told us BEFORE)
alot of stress.
my dad talked to her, she apparently agreed that she does need help, but has not yet gotten said help.
im staying at my bros until further notice
thank u all for words, support, wisdom, its very appriciated.

[boswife]

Prayers are with you... so glad your in a safe place and so sorry that this is all goien on in your life.  Prayen for it to be solved soon for ya   

[RichardMEL]

Hopefully your dad will continue to do the right thing - it would be a difficult position for him to be in as well. So far from what you've said it seems like your Dad knows enough to understand that there are issues so hopefully you (all) continue to get support there because I feel that is critical.