Friend's husband is dying - how to help?

[cattlekid]

The husband of a friend is dying of cancer.  He is a young guy - not yet out of his 40's.  They have a 6 year old daughter. 

Friend just sent a Facebook message to all of her contacts stating that husband is near the end - a few more days at the longest. 

I have never had experience with this in the past.  I want to support my friend, but I am unsure what is the best course of action.  I don't want to overwhelm her, but I don't want to ignore them either.  This is a man who was in the hospital in August when I had a staph infection and was in the hospital as well and HE wanted to visit me, but the doctors would not allow since I had an active infection.

A message of support seems so insignificant, but is it really?  Maybe have a meal delivered?  Help with housecleaning?  Offer shopping services?  I am lucky in that today is my last day in-clinic and I start NxStage training next week so I will have slightly more free time to be physically present for them.

[MooseMom]

How kind of you to want to help.  Whatever you do, don't ignore them.  Anything is better than that.

It must be hard to look after a dying husband while also having to look after a 6 year old.  If you know these people fairly well, perhaps you could offer to drive the daughter to and from school or to look after her while mom is at the hospital.  If you could do something to free mom up from the usual domestic chores, she will have more time to spend with her husband.  Does that sound like something appropriate you could do?

How very sad.  I hope you find a way to be of assistance.  We here who have such hard medical problems certainly understand how wonderful it is to have someone, anyone, to offer to help in some small way.  Good for you!

[willowtreewren]

Moosemom is right. Do NOT ignore them.

Because death is frightening to contemplate (and face), oftentimes friends don't know what to do, so don't do anything. One of my deepest regrets in life is not doing more for one of the moms at my school (many, many years ago) when the dad was dying. I have often wished I could go back and re-live that time and do a better job.

Your friend will probably not be able to tell you just what would be of most help, even if you ask. She is dealing with overwhelming emotions so trying to think of ways for you to help may be too much for her. Step up to do something that you realize she needs. Cooking, baby-sitting, even laundry or vacuuming.....

And at the very, every least, offer her a shoulder to cry on and a loving heart to listen when she needs to talk. Remember that she is most likely trying to be strong for her husband and daughter, but that takes a toll.

 

Aleta

[Desert Dancer]

I agree with willowtreewren - she may be too overwhelmed to ask for anything specific, so I would simply step and and do whatever common sense tells you needs to be done: housecleaning, cooking, looking after her daughter for her. Does she have family nearby for support? When the time comes, you might want to ask her if she wants you to go to the funeral home with her to make the arrangements, if she has no one else to go with her. She shouldn't do that alone; she'll need a buffer between her and the funeral director. They're in it to make money and she'll be vulnerable.

The most important thing of all is to simply BE THERE. Just be there, physically and emotionally. Don't distance yourself in any way. It will feel like abandonment to her.

I would also add: don't put your foot in your mouth trying to offer words of comfort. There's nothing you can say to ease her pain and any of the standard platitudes come across as just that.

[ToddB0130]

EVERYONE is right !!  It's great you want to do SOMETHING, so don't ignore it.  A meal delivery of something you made might be easiest.  And then from there,  you can get a better sense of what other offers to make while you're there.   You're a great friend.

[Cordelia]

I'm very sad to hear this.    ....

I wouldn't ignore either..... I was very appreciative of anyone bringing meals in for my family and I after I almost died. It really shows people you care. Its so sweet to be thinking of this, I would help in any way you can   

[cattlekid]

Thanks to everyone who posted with their advice.  I have everything I need to make a pasta dish and take it over in a disposable, oven-safe pan, along with some bagged salad, homemade dressing and bread.  This way, they can either eat it that day or put the dish in the freezer for a future dinner.  Once I get there, I can assess what ever else she needs help with, even if it's as simple as washing up some dishes or taking out the garbage.

[Cordelia]

You're doing the right thing -Your friend is very lucky to have you as a good friend!   

[lmunchkin]

God Bless you Cattlekid.  You are a true friend!  So thoughtful of you!  This is so sad.    for family of your friend!

lmunchkin

[willowtreewren]

Perfect, Cattlekid.

In life it is always the things that we do for others that make all the difference. You will make a difference.

 

[cattlekid]

Well, I will be late.  Husband passed peacefully this evening.  But I know the next few days will be a hectic, stressful whirlwind so I will stick with my original plan. 

[willowtreewren]

Yes, your friend still needs your love and support. Now and even more....later.... when "friends" tend to forget about her and even isolate her because she is no longer part of a "couple."

Your support will help her feel better and in return will do so for you, as well.

Many hugs to her and you as you navigate these sorrowful times.

 

Aleta