A Rant

[Gerald Lively]

I have a feeling!  Yes, I am going to ramble, so, if you don’t want to read a downer, go to the next message.
Back in November 2010 I had cataract surgery.  The problem there was the anesthesia, I wasn’t fully under.  So, when the laser touched my eyeball, I jumped, grabbed the Doctor’s arm and she says I ran a string of expletives that she hadn’t heard before.  Nope, she wouldn’t repeat that bit of personal creativity for me.  The bummer was, she continued with the surgery, zap or no zap. My eyesight has been going downhill from that time until now.
Oddly enough, from that moment on, I felt that my physical being was on a deterioration course too.  My upper abdomen suddenly stuck out.  In January this year, I went to see my doctor who began a series of blood tests and by then the local medical community had me firmly in it’s grip; they haven’t let go.  Lotsa tests followed and the Doctor’s concerned seemed to be a high calcium number in my blood work.  What this had to do with my protruding stomach was beyond me, so I asked for a colonoscopy, which was scheduled.
But that Doctor insisted on a CT scan first. In the meantime my appetite went south and I was losing weight hand over fist.  The CT scan turned up three tumors, all Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  We called my Oncologist.  I have had this guy aboard three previous times (cancer).  He was on vacation.  We waited for him to return.  My wife says I began to act crazy as in not making sense followed by semi-consciousness.  She carted me off to the hospital where another comprehensive blood workup revealed failed kidneys.   
For six days, I was lost in another world of hallucinations.  My wife says I was close to death (per the doctors).  That's what they tell everybody.
I recall being wheeled somewhere on a gurney.  All around me I could see people working, dressed in prison garb similar to something you might see in a WWII POW camp.  No one was looking at me.  It seemed as if they were purposely looking away.
Next, I was gazing up at a strange light.  It was if I were at the bottom of a coffee cup looking up at the dark brownness, and somebody was instructing me to bend this way and that way, and he was pounding on my collar bone.  If fought him.  He further instructed me. I commented on his ancestors. And the next thing I recall was waking up to some disheveled man reading People magazine while a rusty piece of equipment next to me made clicking noises.  Apparently I was on dialysis.
I recall complaining about the lack of sleep and getting some pills.  I recall some lady repeatedly asking for my vitals and I didn’t know what my vitals were.
Have you urinated?
Damned if I knew.
Finally, I woke up in a semi-private room that looked something like a janitor’s closet. The TV was on and I found myself looking at some fellow reading the Bible in Spanish.  And I heard chicken noises (which turned out to be the mattress I was on).  Admissions came up and argued with my room-mate who was a transient hustling for a free meal and a place to sleep.  I thought I was in the Oroville Hospital, thirty miles from where I actually was.
That night a crowd gather outside my room for reasons I have never fathomed.  A stranger Doctor came in and wanted me to change my cancer protocol to some sort of experimental thingy-bob.  I turned her down stating that I make no changes unless my Oncologist agrees. They pressed the issue.  That got my dander up.  Big argument.  Before long Security arrived. I asked to be left alone but nothing happened.  This went on for hours and I reasoned that I was a patient there and I questioned whether this was the way patients were treated. And why would they undermine my own doctor?
I got angry and walked out of the hospital that night at 11PM.  At 1 AM the hospital called the cops and a Deputy Sheriff was ringing my doorbell, getting me out of bed. Bizarre.  But real.  This was not some imagining or hallucination.  Later, I was feeling so bad that I checked back in via the emergency room.  And I zonked out for six days.
Consider my frame of mind; I was pissed off. Sick, yes; but really angry. I finally demanded to be treated as an outpatient. My schedule then was chemo and on alternating days, dialysis.  The cancer has since been resolved.
And here I am.
I have tried to make light of all this and that has worked for outside observers. Inside, I am very upset.  No jokes right now. So, when I called up the news on my trusty computer today, I am greeted by news that tells me how cheap life has become.  All of which seems to re-enforce my negativity.  America is becoming more efficient at killing people.  The police are beating on people in the streets of America and on campuses.  Mothers are killing their kids.  And some damned movie star went to jail right after I read that Presidential candidates are sexual predators.
As I gaze across the dialysis room, I see twenty or so people who have contrary interests; each and every one of them understands the value of life.  And why do we await for tragedy before we understand
 

[boswife]

   I understand..  I feel i have lived a life of understanding things that others just pass off or go around..  I love that you are able to write of things that you have felt, seen, lived through ... I cannot   I even have a hard time responding but wish you so much good to cover or push away these memories you have to carry due to others .......... nonunderstanding of lifes good ways.  Ewe.... im gonna get weard so will stop...  i do wish you all good things

[MooseMom]

I have tried to make light of all this and that has worked for outside observers. Inside, I am very upset.

May I ask...why do you try to make light of all of this when, in fact, you are angry and upset?  Is this a coping mechanism of yours, or are you just adding to your own psychological burden in an effort to make other people more comfortable with your predicament?  While it is usually a good thing to attempt to look on the bright side of life, ignoring your anger and your fear just leads to more resentment.  If you try to scatter sunshine and rainbows for outside observers, they will never understand your situation, and you will probably grow to resent the fact that "they just don't understand."  So maybe one thing you can do, and it is a small thing, is to be more open about your feelings so that you won't feel so isolated.

[fearless]

I have learned many important spiritual lessons through failed kidneys.  But those lessons have changed my perception of those who've been closest to me all my life, and also my perception of the world at large.  It's easy to get isolated, because people really DON'T understand.  It's so important to connect with people who DO.  The strength that can give you will help your other relationships to weather the storm.  (as well as allowing you to weather the storm)

[Gerald Lively]

Something in the news triggered this bout of anger.  I see faces in the bush too;  they always have questioning expressions. 
I ran away from home as a kid and made my way through life, having seemingly achieved success recently when January came and my body started giving out, eyes, cancer for the fourth time, and kidney failure – all within six months.  It was just two years ago that a forest fire here destroyed our house, a house that I built. 
Yes, I am angry, but I am not angry at anyone in particular. 
Today, I let some of that anger squeeze out between the cracks.  Yes, I have a therapist and he says I have every right to be angry.  And ladies, in the spirit of wanting to be liked by everybody, I cover that anger with humor.
Years ago I also understood the glory of nature as seen through the eyes of a person who survived the overwhelming crisis; exactly as Eric Fromm described it.  And I also noted that life is cheap for those who have never faced these issues. Perhaps I am pleased to find similar perspectives, perhaps this is just another episode along the path of adjustment to the dialysis machine that trails on a tether. Maybe, just maybe I am learning something.
gerald

[fearless]

the "stages of grief" that a person supposedly goes through when facing a death sentence, well, it seems that for those who keep living despite that sentence, maybe we cycle through those emotions ?  I know that for me that's true.  i was on peritoneal dialysis for 8 years.  I thought I'd totally "adjusted".  Now I've started hemo, and it's like I'm having to deal with all those emotions all over again.   With  your cancers, and all the other things you're dealing with, I would expect the full gamut of emotion - and I think that is the sign of a truly vital soul.  There's just no way around it.  If you're human, you're gonna rage, cry and laugh too.   Grateful you can share what you're going through and thinking about with us in such an eloquent way.   

[Gerald Lively]

I have noticed a icon just above my avatar that suggests I am a male.  It has an arrow pointing upward to the right.  I am 73 and I should point out that this is not accurate, the pointing to the right part.
gerald

[Gerald Lively]

Viagra didn't help.