I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 23, 2024, 01:18:27 PM

Login with username, password and session length
Search:     Advanced search
532606 Posts in 33561 Topics by 12678 Members
Latest Member: astrobridge
* Home Help Search Login Register
+  I Hate Dialysis Message Board
|-+  Dialysis Discussion
| |-+  Dialysis: General Discussion
| | |-+  Welcome to the machine		 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: [1] Go Down Print
Author Topic: Welcome to the machine  (Read 3491 times)
statesidela
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 38
« on: September 21, 2011, 10:44:06 PM »
Welcome to the machine 

(Machine says) Good day sir! I am your machine for the day I hear you are not feeling well today please don't worry about it because I am here to make you feel like a million dollars! It's a simple process i will explain it to you but first have a seat right by me as this may take some time...(Bren says) yes sir don't mind if I do I have to admit i do feel like poo.

(Machine says) here is the deal...plug yourself into me I will take you on a journey a journey to places you have never been before I promise you the ride will be worth your time as i will give your once wonderful life a little more time...let me ask you a question are you mentally strong? I hope you are because I will test this in ways you can never imagine. (Bren says) test? 

(Machine says) yes sorry but it's just the way it goes I will take you on a mental and physical journey hence my question are you strong enough? I will take you to the breaking point and if your lucky I will release you just before you choose to give up

(Bren says) ha sounds like a challenge too me I have met jokers like you before many have told me they will break me but all have failed I don't fancy your chances mr machine but hey if you think you have what it takes then I look forward to disappointing you 

(Machine says) hehe oh stop making me laugh son I could crush you anytime I choose to I have saw many like you before and they have broke just as you will...all in good time

(Bren says) gees you sounded really nice in the beginning but now look at you go...you sound like the devil but you cannot win I have god on my side.

(Machine says) who do you think you are little man ENOUGH of this meaningless chatter sit back...oh and enjoy the ride you feeble little soul.  

(Bren says) alright but I don't normally associate with your kind it's unfortunate that I require your services

(Machine says) I am going to start sucking your blood and fluid out of your body do you feel that? (Bren says) no I don't but I don't like the idea of this. maybe this is a bad idea? I need my blood (Machine says) haha you sound weak already i warned you before that I will take you a journey and break you what did you think I was joking? Take my advice son do as your told and this will be all over with soon

(Bren says) ok ok you have my attention but please mr machine be kind to me.

(Machine says) there is no kindness about this process i will inflict on you it does not matter if you feel bad or feel weak this is the process there is no where for you to run as I have a grasp of you if you run you will surly die...the best thing you can do young man is sit back and relax

(Bren says) ARRRRGGG! SOMEONE HELP ME PLEEEEASSSE HELP ME.

(Machine says) hahahaha here comes a nurse you feeble little man but don't expect her to help you she works for me if she angers me then you will pay the price now stop your whining.

(Nurse says) hi there young man how may I help you today? (Bren says) can you please help me ma'am mr machine says that he wants to break me can you please have a word with him (Nurse says) hahaha don't be so silly he is in control now there is nothing I can do for you I am sorry (Bren says) this has to be a nightmare or something I don't understand.

(Machine says) no son this is just the beginning of the rest of your life the best thing you can do is submit to my ways as I said before I will release you just before you fold it is best not to resist me as it will only make it harder on you....don't cry young man I am removing enough fluids from you hahaha

(Bren says) you bastard! is that supposed to be some sort of sadistic joke I do not find it funny...I submit to your will but I don't need jokes like that from you...when will this be over mr machine?

(Machine says) ha I told you I would break all you feeble humans are all the same...weak I enjoy juggling your life in my hands...playing with you as if you are the vermon and I am the cat when will someone give me a real challenge...now run along little boy you better run on home I will see you next time around don't forget to come back now as the alternative is not much better than what I can offer you...yes I am mean yes I am sadistic but I am your only option for a chance at life.

(Nurse says) I know mr machine can seam a little harsh but it's for you own good...you make sure you come back now things will get easier as time goes on.

(Bren says) yes ma'am I will be back and you can tell mr machine I will be back stronger than ever i will never submit to his will again I have my humanity I have my dignity but most of all I have heart and god will give me the strength to fight this evil force goodbye.
Logged
MooseMom
Member for Life
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11325
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2011, 01:26:13 AM »
(MooseMom says) OK Machine, you're coming home with me, and I'm going to make you work overtime.  No more of this lazy-ing about every other day, and no more weekends off.  Nope, you're gonna work for me each day, and if you're really lucky, you are going to have the privilege of working nice and slow every other night.  I don't have the time to waste watching you do your thing, so I'm going to sleep while you make me better.  Get used to it.  You're not going to be able to whine to some clinic nurse.  You're going to be answering to me.

(Machine says)  OK, MooseMom.  I am yours to command.  Let's go home.
Logged
"Eggs are so inadequate, don't you think?  I mean, they ought to be able to become anything, but instead you always get a chicken.  Or a duck.  Or whatever they're programmed to be.  You never get anything interesting, like regret, or the middle of last week."
statesidela
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 38
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2011, 03:28:24 AM »
hehehehe... :rofl; very good @MooseMom
Logged
billybags
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2190
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2011, 03:38:17 AM »
That was hilarious.
Logged
Iwannabean
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 88
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2011, 05:07:33 AM »
 :rofl; You go Moosemom, you go!!!!

Iwannabean
Logged
Desert Dancer
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 961
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2011, 05:17:54 AM »
Quote from: MooseMom on September 22, 2011, 01:26:13 AM
(MooseMom says) OK Machine, you're coming home with me, and I'm going to make you work overtime.  No more of this lazy-ing about every other day, and no more weekends off.  Nope, you're gonna work for me each day, and if you're really lucky, you are going to have the privilege of working nice and slow every other night.  I don't have the time to waste watching you do your thing, so I'm going to sleep while you make me better.  Get used to it.  You're not going to be able to whine to some clinic nurse.  You're going to be answering to me.

(Machine says)  OK, MooseMom.  I am yours to command.  Let's go home.

WOO HOO! GOOOOOO MooseMom! Give that machine what for!  :Kit n Stik; :Kit n Stik;
Logged
August 1980: Diagnosed with Familial Juvenile Hyperurecemic Nephropathy (FJHN)
8.22.10:   Began dialysis through central venous catheter
8.25.10:   AV fistula created
9.28.10:   Began training for Home Nocturnal Hemodialysis on a Fresenius Baby K
10.21.10: Began creating buttonholes with 15ga needles
11.13.10: Our first nocturnal home treatment!

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty. The glass is just twice as large as it needs to be.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Riki
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 3408


WWW
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2011, 08:13:11 PM »
My machines don't speak... they are regeneration alcoves, and I am Borg.. resistance is futile...
Logged
Dialysis - Feb 1991-Oct 1992
transplant - Oct 1, 1992- Apr 2001
dialysis - April 2001-May 2001
transplant - May 22, 2001- May 2004
dialysis - May 2004-present
PD - May 2004-Dec 2008
HD - Dec 2008-present
lmunchkin
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2471

"There Is No Place Like Home!"
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2011, 10:01:52 PM »
Alright MOOSEMOMMA, You give that machine What For!  We certainly are and hope many more people follow pursuit!

lmunch
Logged
11/2004 Hubby diag. ESRD, Diabeties, Vascular Disease & High BP
12/2004 to 6/2009 Home PD
6/2009 Peritonitis , PD Cath removed
7/2009 Hemo Dialysis In-Center
2/2010 BKA rt leg & lt foot (all toes) amputated
6/2010 to present.  NxStage at home
boswife
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2644


us and fam easter 2013
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2011, 04:42:57 AM »
We have some amazingly cleaver people here.... I LOVE it!!  And  HALARIOUS comeback MM..  This was VERY cool.
Logged
im a california wife and cargiver to my hubby
He started dialysis April 09
We thank God for every day we are blessed to have together.
november 2010, patiently (ha!) waiting our turn for NxStage training
January 14,2011 home with NxStage
Adam_W
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1139


Me with Baron von Fresenius
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2011, 11:22:54 AM »
 :rofl;
Logged
-Diagnosed with ESRD (born with one kidney, hypertension killed it) Jan 21st, 2007
-Started dialysis four days later in hospital (Baxter 1550-I think, then Gambro Phoenix)
-Started in-centre dialysis Feb 6th 2007 (Fres. 2008H)
-Started home hemo June 5th 2007 (NxStage/Pureflow)
-PD catheter placed June 6th 2008 (Bye bye NxStage, at least for now)
-Started CAPD July 4th, 2008
-PD catheter removed Dec 2, 2008-PD just wouldn't work, so I'm back on NxStage
-Kidney function improved enough to go off dialysis, Feb. 2011!!!!!
-Back on dialysis (still NxStage) July 2011 :(
-In-centre self-care dialysis March 2012 (Fresenius 2008K)
-Not on transplant list yet.


"Don't live for dialysis, use dialysis to LIVE"
pitagory
Full Member
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 129


Sorry guys for my spelling and punctuation
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2011, 01:50:08 PM »
once again good beats evil!!!! :rofl;
Logged
"I dont need easy,  I just need posible"
Stoday
Elite Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1941
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2011, 07:28:20 PM »
Creepy!

The machine will win in the end.

Logged
Diagnosed stage 3 CKD May 2003
AV fistula placed June 2009
Started hemo July 2010
Heart Attacks June 2005; October 2010; July 2011
The Noob
Full Member
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 423
« Reply #12 on: October 02, 2011, 01:11:47 AM »
The Great Oz has spoken! yall are too funny!  :rofl;
Logged
raidym
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 55
« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2011, 08:19:09 AM »
Welcome to the Machine is just a master piece and you go Moosemom that machine's your bitch now........ :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
Logged
"Laugh or you might cry"
Pages: [1] Go Up Print 
« previous next »
 
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP SMF 2.0.17 | SMF © 2019, Simple Machines | Terms and Policies Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!