its been a while....

[statesidela]

Hi there guys!

Its been a while since i last posted to the forum...i had been keeping up with the posts to the forums but that had slipped away like most things in my life since last year....anyways from what i can remember from my last posts i pretty much explained my situation....this post is a continuation of my story since then..and mainly just because i feel this is a way i can just get things out there, you know? and also because this site it the "only" place i feel i can just talk.

I ended up doing 8 months of hemo dialysis in total (nothing compared to most of u guys) but towards the end of that 8 months i decided i had enough and just basically quit going to dialysis...i want to say fully knowing what would happen but something inside my mind, heart and soul told me the worst would not happen i put my full faith in whatever this was telling me...i had these strong feels was one side of the equation the other side was the way i see things these nephs don't really know much more than what a seasoned dialysis patient does...its all in the numbers right? so anyway i made my decision and followed through with that.....9 months later i am still here physically...not sure where my mind is at though ( I DON'T ADVISE ANYONE TO DO WHAT I HAVE DONE!)

So to continue the story...you would think i would be living it up etc... that's what i had dreamed about sitting on my dialysis machine for countless hours but somehow this opportunity i have been giving is slipping through my fingers.  A few months after dialysis i left my wife...dialysis its self put a hell of a strain on the marriage some days i would come out of dialysis to hear her screaming at me like a child because i forget to pass on messages or get lab reports etc, she would start arguments for no reason it would get so bad she would tell me things like she wished she had left me to die...it was all very a bad situation but i understood why she became like this after who want a medically messed up husband! after i left her i also left the US and returned to my home here in the Scotland although it does not feel like home no more after spending 11 years in the US i feel that is my home now.

I miss my son soooo terribly...having a telephone relationship is not good it hurts so much just to talk to him on the phone i just want to be able to hug my son but what can i do...i am lost for words on this subject...things will work out they eventually do...i have to stick to that hope on everything in life...its the only glimmer of light in a dark tunnel that i can hold onto.

everyday just seams a struggle just getting out of bed is something that i do but could just gladly stay there all day...they tell me my labs are ok and that i do not have to return to dialysis yet! so i am not sure what is wrong with me is it my body or is it my mind stopping me from doing things...it feels like i live in constant fear of just dropping dead or passing out in the street when just going on a walk i always feel like i am constantly assessing myself to see if i feel capable of doing whatever task is in front of me at that time...its crazy but i am not sure what it is that's wrong with me...is it just paranoia that keeps me down or am i just being completely ridiculous?

Returning to the UK has made a big difference in just the simple fact here they are far from forth coming with information relating to the state of my condition and the way they do the math is different from what i learned in the states it feels like i am learning it all over again...i really should get to researching it all over again to get a better understanding of how things are done here

i will go and let y'all get a break from hearing me rant away...i really hope y'all are doing really good and i will read all your posts to catch up in what being going on....and hey! thanks for listening i really do feel much better just for typing this post and i have not even hit the post button yet...lol....but i honestly do there is a lot to be said for just getting there and putting your thoughts, feelings, emotions out there.

thanks once again guys and i will talk to you soon

Bren

[boswife]

Im speachless.. It's so great to see you, hear you, and listen to your story and it has really got my head spinning.  And....for me being speachless, i have just written (and deleted) a whole heck of a  bunch of stuff that needs sorting before i try again...  I am so glad that your still with us, that you came back to tell us of whats going on, and i do hope you'll stick around to talk someore........... wishing you well, and peace and 

[statesidela]

smiles...@boswife thank you so much for your kind comments....yes i do plan to stick around and take more part in all the chit-chat and going ons etc...just reading through the site right now catching up on all the posts

thanks again take care for now

[kristina]

Hello, statesidela,

I am so sorry for the upheaval you have been through... I am quite speechless.

Just a few practical ideas come to mind:

There is an organization called “Fathers 4 Justice” (F4J) for “separated fathers”
They support each other and have been “put on the map” when one of them
climbed the walls of Buckingham Palace in a Spiderman-Outfit to get some media-attention for the group
as a civil rights movement. They campaign for a child to see both parents etc. www.fathers-4-justice.org.

Another link is: www.bacp.co.uk 
(... supposed to be an association for Counselling, I don’t know if they are able to assist...)
And there is Gingerbread on www.gingerbread.org.uk, giving advice for lone parents.
 
I don’t know if any of them are really able to offer you any help or advice.
I have noticed in the past there are lots of Charities, but unfortunately many of them exist on paper only...

I do wish you good luck and I do hope you find lots of support.

Best wishes from Kristina. 

P.S. I love St. Andrews and Hogmanay in Edinburgh...!

[Bajanne]

First of all, let me say that I am glad you re-found us.    Next, your story is absolutely amazing.  Please be assured that my caring thoughts and prayers are with you all the way.  Please keep close to us and let us know how you are doing.   Your IHD family will be there for you.

[statesidela]

hi again guys just wanted to say thank you again for all your kind words of support...this means a lot to me in its self on a more personal note to

@kristina thank you for your kind words and thank you for the links you provided me with i will be sure to check them out! Oh and hogmanay is a great time of year...i love the winter months in Scotland and in particular i am really looking forward to this year as i have not seen snow in 11yrs i plan to relive my childhood by throwing snow balls at everything and everyone...lol.

@bajanne i had never forgotten about you guys it just seams like life got in the way of keeping up with anything but never the less i am glad to be around u guys again thank you for your caring thoughts and prayers!

take care for now

Bren

[kristina]

Hello again, statesidela,

I have just checked-up about “Fathers 4 Justice” (F4J) :

F4J was originally set-up by Matt O’Connor after the Family Courts in England
denied him any access to his young sons. He also went on a very public hunger strike.

It was another campaigner of F4J, Jason Hatch, who in September 2004 dressed-up as "Batman".
He evaded armed security guards and climbed to a balcony of Buckingham Palace.

Another F4J-campaigner, David Chick, dressed-up as “Spiderman” and caused huge traffic jams
when he climbed Tower Bridge in October 2003.

The “Fathers 4 Justice” campaign for equal parenting rights on behalf of fathers and grandparents.

Best wishes and good luck from Kristina.