I think i need therapy.

[KICKSTART]

I dont know whats wrong with me these days, im becoming so negative,angry,frustrated,and of course guilty. Im sick of being ground down , greeted by a depressive person, who is always ill , always lethargic , totally depends on me for company or as a shoulder to lean on or a problem solver and yet has never acknowledged the seriousness of my illness. Im made to feel totally guilty because i havent left the house over christmas (except for dialysis) because ive had a virus thats left me floored. The same issue is raising its head for the new year and boy is the guilt trip being laid on me now. I feel as though its a competition ..who is more ill. Although the person has nothing seriously wrong with them , its just constant moans and groans. They have nothing else to occupy their time , im supposed to do that. In fact i dont think they would do anything unless accompanied by me. Now by writing this i feel disloyal , i feel massive guilt. This person has to be in my life , for if anything should happen to me i have no one else...no one. Im angry at myself for feeling guilty.
Im frustrated , im sad , i want to explore the world but cant even make it round the shops, in fact i have to make it a secret to go alone. Im never directly asked to do anything ,just guilt tripped into offering, ive been like that all my life i guess and yet walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other person. On my really bad days when i feel quite ill , im ordered ..go to the doctors. It doesnt matter how many times i say ..my kidneys dont work ..thats why i dont feel good. I know at some point i will have to care for this other person because everyone else has gone out of reach, another reason im angry. Im the eldest daughter , its expected of me, everyone has planned their lives to make sure of that by being as far away as possible. I have no company my own age , im surrounded by old people (no offence) Im so tired i wouldnt know where to start to make a social life for myself anymore. My life consists of going to dialysis and coming home. I used to take great pride in my appearance , hairdressers , make up, trendy clothes , now i just do the basics of keeping clean , clean clothes and have just let my hair grow really long. I can never be the person i was , i wouldnt know how to get back there even if i could.  Every conversation i have concerns someone elses illness. I want fun , lightness, normality. The only friends i have are friends ive never met , the only people that keep me sane are people ive never met and the only people i can pour my heart out to are people ive never met, what on earth does that say about me , i wonder ? I know some people will shout out 'depression' but ive always considered that a frame of mind brought about by an event. Whereas this is my life , my existence , my loneliness .

[MooseMom]

Hmmm....No, I don't think you are depressed in the clinical sense.  I think you have a very clear sense of your situation and have a good grip on how it is affecting you.  You see the problem well, and that's half the battle. 

Guilt is probably the most corrosive state of mind to be in.  I think you should start there, and I also think that seeing a therapist might do you the world of good.  Your life seems to be like a delicate necklace that has gotten itself all knotted up; you may need some time and another set of eyes and hands to help you unravel it all.

How can someone make you feel guilty for not leaving the house over Christmas because you were ill?  You were sick.  You stayed in.  End of story.  What strategies does this person use to make you feel guilty for that?  What is it exactly that you were supposed to feel guilty about...the staying in part or the staying in and therefore not being available for this other person part?

I've wrestled with the same sort of dilemma...that I can't ever be the person that I was.  I look at the person I used to be, and I miss myself.  I grieve for that loss.  My ex-husband sent me a DVD he had made of our son when he was very young, and I could see that long-forgotten woman, and I cried.  Maybe the answer is not to go searching for the old KS but to create and be happy with a new one, and that's where a therapist might come in handy.

Yes...the guilt.  Start there.  Combat that first, I think.  This other person has managed to distort your life, your health and your soul.  This is a burden that you need not bear.  But this guilt seems to be so pervasive, so undermining that I really think you might need some help in ridding yourself of it.  If you can get rid of the guilt, you will have much more emotional room to devote to rebuilding your life and your connections with other people.

I feel terrible that you are feeling this way, but I am glad you told us about it.  I know it would be nicer for you if you had a real live person to tell this all to and then give you lots of reassuring hugs, but this is the age of the internet and blogging and such; besides, with us, you don't have to feel guilty, and we don't smell funny.

[MooseMom]

Actually, I think perhaps this other person might be the one who needs therapy, and I don't mean that lightly.  The other person seems to have lost track of her own life.  If s/he gets her/his life back, you will have a better chance of getting yours back, too.  Do you think it's possible to find a way for that other person to be come less totally reliant upon you?

[Darthvadar]

KS...

I feel for you!... CAn't offer advice, I'm afraid... Except put yourself first.. Your health is too fragile to be taking the weight of the world on your shoulders...

If you feel you need support, I'm sure your country's Kidney Assoc. provides counselling services... I know the Irish Kidney Assoc. do... I don't know how I'd cope with caring for Mum alone without the counselling support provided to me by IKA...

Thinking of, and praying for you, KS....

LOve...

Darth....

[cariad]

I agree that therapy may be just the thing for you, KS.

As they say, You're not crazy, your situation is just crazy-making. Loneliness is such a tough emotion. I wish there were more we could do.

I was once told by a therapist that I was "grieving for the life I might have had". Finally, just shy of a major birthday, I can say that I am happy with my life today and don't care what it would have been like without kidney failure. I think it's harder to be in your situation - happily building a life for yourself and then ESRD comes and takes it all away. No wonder you're down. Yes, I know just what you mean about it being a sort of competition for who has it worse. One of Gwyn's old friends was married to a woman like that. She would either have it much worse than you or have to outdo you and show herself to be so much more magnificent than you. For some people, it's all about them all the time.

Keep unloading to us. You always express yourself so well. 

[mm2010]

Not sure just what to say about all this guilt stuff.... Its really not worth it.  You need to live your life and if others try to make you feel guilty, then accept the fact that this is just the way they are, but it really has no impact on how you choose to feel.  You are in charge, not them.  If you start to feel like they are piling their baggage on you, just put the bags down, and smile.  These are not your bags to carry, you have plenty of your own.

As for feeling normal, we have a little friend here who helps us keep our life from getting too serious. It always helps to get a smile from the simple things in life.  Meet Norm.  Not sure if this will help add a little light into your day, and I really wish I could do more to make things easier for you. 

If this guy doesn't put a smile on your face, let me know.  I haven't met anyone who didn't get a chuckle from this image.  Norm is always eager to give you a good tongue lashing if life starts to get to serious.
Hang in there...
Mark

[RichardMEL]

Tough situation. I feel for you KS. You're sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean if you try and live your life as best you can (as you are now) then you have the guilt in yourself of not looking after this person you're talking about, and you have to put up with "go to the doctor!" comments when you're just tiired and not well as per usual. Basically a lack of understanding on their part. However if you cow tow to them and do as you feel you are respionsible to do, because everyone else isn't around, then you're sacfifiing yourself and potentially some of your health (and definitely stress, high BP etc) dealing with all this stuff when as you say relative to you this person (your mother?) doesn't have that much wrong... Grizzling for Grizzling sake kind of thing.

It doesn't help that for you it's winter and miserable and dark etc (hey, come down here - we have 40C today?!!).

Sounds like you've tried to tell this person the facts of your life on D as they are and she doesn't want to, or can't, understand or appreciate your situation fully. That's not your fault. Perhaps at some point you need to draw a line and do what is best for YOU and just try and ignore the ignorant bleatings. You are clearly trying to do a good thing, and it seems very unfair with all you have on your plate that you become caregiver too? Can't the council help or are there other services you could enlist to helpo (like I don't know meals on wheels, community workers, etc)?

I don't think you're depressed. I think you're struggling under a double load AND a burden of responsibility (so make that triple) with no real support when support is exactly what you need.

[Jean]

I am thinking the only therapy you might need is to get you to give up this guilt thing. You have been thru some terrible trials with this disease and came out fighting like the chanp you are. So, go and get some therapy, so that you can learn how to get this person to back off. I understand it is hard to put yourself back together again, but do it anyways. You have no problem telling other people to back off if they step on your toes, you just need to deal with this person ( Mum, I assume) and get this
taken care of.

[Poppylicious]

Oh babe, I don't think you're depressed either, but I do think you're lonely and I do think you need someone to offload all of this crap onto (which is where therapy would come in useful).  You know that if I lived nearer I really would come and see you and you could offload onto me, completely.  Heck, you have my email address - if you want to you can always email me.

I know from experience that it's hard to deal with close relatives who just don't get it as my MiL was/is a nightmare; it took her nearly two years to realise just how poorly Blokey actually was and the only way she did 'get it' was by me being harsh with her and my BiL [who took the brunt of everything, bless him] but that was difficult because I risked my relationship with them, and to an extent Blokey. 

In fact, my MiL sounds much like 'this person'.  She grumbles about everything and turns everything into a competition.  She has no friends and no inclination to make any.  She completely relies on both her boys to occupy her time, take her shopping, etc. Perhaps we could get 'this person' and my MiL together and leave them to grumble at each other! I think that some people just aren't happy unless they're making everybody else miserable.

Your anger and guilt won't be helped at the moment by the virus you're probably still in the clutches of, and the fact that perhaps you didn't enjoy Christmas as much as you could have because you were so worn down by it.  What you really need is for somebody to wrap you in a duvet in front of something amusing on the tellybox and give you lots of huggles. I can't provide that virtual duvet, but here are lots of virtual

*HUGGLES*

instead. Hope they help, even if it's just a little bit.

 

[billybags]

Hi, KS, you do sound down in the "gob" and that is not like you is it? The guilt trip, we all go through it at some point in our lives especially as our parents get older and rely on us more, you have got to put your self first, second and last. I am sorry you have been laid up with this virus and the weather over here has been, to put it mildly crap. Have you still got your dogs? On to the new year, you have got to make an effort to do some thing about being on your own.It is not an easy task, but there are lots of people out there in the same boat. Have you got a local community group that you can join. Can you volunteer for some thing, you have got to get out of the house. I wish you a happy new year, come on get your sparkle back, have a few fags and a drink to night. Thinking of you.

[onestronglittlelady]

I'm no doctor. but I have argued with plenty! Depressions is something I have never allowed myself to even think about. Whatever you think about you attract into your life. Think of 2 magnets, they attract each other when put one way, and repell each other when put the other way. If you focus on negative things, the negative stuff comes to you. I don't know you, but there is always something to be grateful for. Can you walk? Do you have a roof over your head, and food on the table? Make a list of things you are grateful for in your life. Each day try to do something for you! If you get out and do something, you will have less time to focus on what is bad. What are your skills? Can you turn them into a part-time subcontracting job? No one can make you feel a certain way, you are in control of your feelings - good or bad. It is not the event that is good or bad, but how you view it in your mind.  Being positive does take work, but you are worth it. I am sending you hugs and hope you are able to find the positive in the new year.

[Mizar]

Kicker, I Read Your Post, about Four times. I wanted to make sure, I knew, what You were saying.  If You Think, You need Therapy, get it. It's what it is there for. You ddn't want to go out during Christmas, because You didn't feel up to it and Your a Dialysis Patient? You said, " No " that is enough.  " No " is not a Dirty Word.  I know about other People and how they want to " ONEUPMANSHIP " , You.  You tell People, " I had Dialysis Today, I'm Exhausted, I can't Eat, Ect. " they want to come back at You and say, " You think You had a Hard Day, I've got a SPLINTER IN MY FINGER ",  those are times, I don't Hit the Reply Button and say something, that would wipe People, out of my Life forever! I let it Pass. Same with the " Guilt Game " it ususally, requires, more then One Person. They put " Guilt " on Your Plate and push it towards You, all You have to do is, Politely, push it back and say " No Thank You " and then then get up from the Table and leave. No Dicussions, No Debate. I am now the "Spokesperson and the Wingman " to My Husband.  Have I Pissed People off, by Saying No? yeah, I have, but i know our Limitations. They don't. They don't do Dialysis. I don't get Angry with them and I don't feel, Guilty, about the Decisons, I make. I Lobbed, the Ball, back into Their Court and it's now Their Issue. Take Care. A feeling Bad Day, is just that, a Feeling Bad Day and We all have them. You are not alone.
 

[paris]

Hi Kickstart,  I think Mizar said it best.  We all are going to have hard days (you have had more than your fair share).  People love to be sicker than you are. It drives me crazy!  And now, everyone thinks I am cured!  Praise the Lord!  I wish we could sit in a room and scream together.    What a noise that would be! 

I also think that anyone with a disease like ESRD will be depressed at times.  I don't attract depression -- I am usually very positive in thinking, but some times things are just too hard.  If I didn't get down, I would worry about how little I felt about things.  A range of emotions is good.  And you always recognize how you are feeling.  I think you do a great job of knowing where your emotions are. 

Love you, wish I could help.  May 2011 be a much kinder year for you.  Remember we love you and care so much for you.     

[RightSide]

I dont know whats wrong with me these days, im becoming so negative,angry,frustrated,and of course guilty. Im sick of being ground down , greeted by a depressive person, who is always ill , always lethargic , totally depends on me for company or as a shoulder to lean on or a problem solver and yet has never acknowledged the seriousness of my illness. Im made to feel totally guilty because i havent left the house over christmas (except for dialysis) because ive had a virus thats left me floored.

KICKSTART,

First of all, of course I empathize with the emotional pain you're going thru.  Let's look at what your best option is.

I don't think "therapy" (in the sense of lying on a couch and telling your therapist your feelings) is going to help either you or this person who is dependent on you. Because this relationship is real and can't be wished away with an improved mental outlook.   Been there, done that.  You're not dealing with some free-floating anxiety within an otherwise reasonably normal life.  You're struggling with a highly abnormal life and a troublesome relationship with another person as well.  Those are real problems that need solution.

You need to find a counselor who can bring BOTH of you into his office and discuss how this relationship between you and this person can be restructured to mutual benefit.

It's analogous to a wife who's miserable over the way her husband is acting.  She doesn't need psychotherapy on her own.  She AND her husband need to seek out a marriage counselor.

Finally, we all want as much "fun, lightness, and normality" as we can get with ESRD and dialysis. But we have to be realistic about what's possible.  If this blog had been called "Fun and Lightness of Dialysis" rather than "I Hate Dialysis," I wouldn't have joined it, because I would have figured that the moderator is nuts.

[MooseMom]

Yes, I think Rightside is right in that you don't need therapy in the conventional sense as he described.  You need some good practical strategies, and a counsellor might be able to help you construct them.  It would be great if this other person would see a counsellor/therapist with you, but somehow I don't see that happening.  It depends on whether or not you think this person could really change his/her behaviour.

[RichardMEL]

Yes I think the problem is the other person doesn't seem to have an open mind, so sitting down with an unbiased third party to help bring everyone onto the same page probably won't happen specially if one or both parties don't see any value or that it's needed. The wife analogy is a good one, because you're so close with many feelings of guilt/dependancy/obligation, etc involved that it's so hard to even discuss these things without all that being brought up, which is where a neutral 3rd party would seem ideal to examine both "sides" to help everyone see where the other one is coming from, and hopefully foster a better understanding of what everyone is dealing with, how they feel and what they feel they need out of the "relationship"

KS have you suggested something like this at all? I know it's a real long shot.....

[billmoria]

    "Fun and Lightness in Dialysis", I like it - it has a nice ring to it. I get down, we all get down but I choose to fight it. I think a doc with a couch could help. Guilt must be handled especially when it is used as a weapon against you.
Be like a hitting board for a tennis ball - don't let it stick, let it rebound off you.
I hope your feeling better.

[monrein]

Kickstart I'm sending you a cyber hug and a nod of reassurance that I (and so many others) do understand exactly what you mean when you write so poignantly about these feelings....we hover dangerously close to them ourselves and I am continually grateful for each day that I manage to escape their invasion of me.  I think it would be good if you were able to find someone to talk to (not "therapy" in the deepest sense of the word but therapy in the "sounding board" sense) as a way of mastering the art of banishing guilt, of reaffirming your strength of character, of reacquainting yourself with the possibility of fun and so on.  None of this is easy in a vacuum, especially when there are other forces sucking extra air out as well.
As for feeling closer to people in cyberspace than into those in your immediate vicinity...thank heaven for the keyboard and for others out there (ahm, make that here) who are available to reach through the ether and help you to feel connected...do as much of that as you want to or need to...as long as it contributes to better feelings so that your days can be less heavy.
I hope that 2011 will bring better days and I send you as much support as I can through my keyboard.

[KICKSTART]

Thanks everyone for your replies ..im overwhelmed !  I see the advice each and everyone of you is giving me and have taken a snippet from them all in the hope to combine them into one big ball of advice ! The virus is passing and finally the Cinacalet is making some drastic changes to my body (the nurses say they have never seen it happen so quickly!) ..maybe im mutating ?  I havent made any new year resolutions ..i never stick to them anyway ! The only thing ive decide is to handle this other person differently ..as in ..dont join in the game of illness/depression/lethargy , if that makes sense ?  A bright and breezy person promotes a bright and breezy person. Everything is going to be hunky dory in my world (even if it isnt) that way it doesnt give the footboard for a conversation that goes ..you've had a bad day at D ? ..well my day has been awful , i feel terrible.  Thankyou all ...you are WONDERFUL, you give a person a kick up the a*** just when they need it most ! 

[MooseMom]

A good therapist would have given you this exact advice!  You've save yourself some money!

[jbeany]

 

Sounds like you've got a plan to change what you can - how you react to her.   I know the pain of having to be the caregiver to someone when you are on D and need someone to take care of you.  It's constant stress and frustration, especially when the person you are trying to take care of is frequently healthier than you are.  I went through it with my gram.  (The funny part was realizing that the rest of the family needed 5 people to take over what I had been doing by myself when I had complications with my transplant and was gone for 4 months.)

 I think we need to set up a scream room here on IHD, so we can all scream together like Paris suggests.