the week from hell...

[rsudock]

Hi D friends,
 Wow I don't know where to even begin i am feeling totally lost and helpless right now. Wednesday at D I was cruising the chat boards here and then all of a sudden I started to feel sick. I called out to my tech and I don't think she took me seriously. All of a sudden my lips, tongue, and throat were tingling and numb. My stomach was cramping and I started to puke. It started getting hard to breath and I was really scared. The nurse gave me Benadryl and the tech gave me oxygen. Here I was having a first time use syndrome with the artificial kidney. Apparently I am allergic to the dry pack dialyzer and almost stopped breathing because of it. Thank God my tech michelle knew what to do the nurse was off asking someone what she should do why I struggled to breath....

Thursday I had to get a liver biopsy (again). They won't put me active on the transplant list until they figure out if my liver is still good. I guess the thinking is "Hey why list you for a kidney if you need a liver too!?" Of course my liver function has been good for a long time. Guess they are just dying to cut into my liver and put a new one in!!

Well Friday I came back to my classroom on Friday. The sub left me a two page letter telling me how bad the kids are. (duh i know) my book shelf was broke, things stolen from my desk, etc... I talked to a little boy in the morning about his behavior well he decided to pick up and over turn 5 desks. so I am upset about this then I get called into the assistant superintendents office and hear "we hear you are having trouble with your job. we just want to know exactly what is going on and if you really do have a disability and if we are legally obligated to help." of course I told them it would be better if I only taught one subject with  a smaller population of kids, but it wasn't like they were like, "ok we can help you." They just feed me some bullshit about giving the kids more engaging work and building relationships. Ha what bullshit I have no materials or resources and have to pay for stuff out of my own pocket!

Then of course at the end of the day I yelled at my boyfriend (b/c it is his fault ya know? sarcasm) and my blood pressure is 200/119.....

I don't know friends I think it is time to let this job go...I don't know why I feel like I have to prove something. Like i am some poster child for people with disabilities..(hey we can work too!) I feel so sad, lonely, confused...My boyfriend keeps telling me to stick it out but i am tired of being so upset all the time....

no one bothers to realize everyday I am fighting a battle for my life....sometimes I think people around me think. "she doesn't look that sick. she actually looks cute." I guess Kidney disease never looked so good!

I need to laugh friends...please help me.

love
xo
R

[okarol]

Well, at least you "look" good!  J/K it sounds like bad stuff piling up and no end in sight. I am sorry it's been so tough. That allergy episode is really frightening. I hope some patients will respond about the job situation. But in the meantime here's a BIG HUG! 

[Riki]

I did that for the last year that I worked.  I hated my job with a passion, but I needed the money, so I kept at it, but I was doing things I knew I shouldn't have, trying to get fired.  Finally, I said "screw this" and quit.  I get a disability pension now.  It's not a whole lot, cuz I didn't pay in very long, but it pays my few bills.  I don't think I was ever happier than the day I left that place behind.

[brandi1leigh]

Hugs!

When I finally gave up my teaching job, I had mixed emotions. I was sad to leave a job I really enjoyed; however, I also felt a huge relief. My last year teaching I knew that I wasn't doing the best job. Everyday was a huge struggle. So when I finally left, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Giving up your job is hard. A lot of people report that their depression spikes when they sit at home all day. This hasn't been true for me. My stress level dropped dramatically when I stopped teaching. Maybe teachers deal with not working better because we're used to summers off.

Good luck!

[casper2636]

For me, half the fight of CKD is mental. If your not happy it makes the fight that much harder, on your mind and your body. I have to say, at the point where your at I'd give up the belief that your employers are going to be helpful to you. If you are miserable, it can't be helping your health. With that being said, I know you have to be thinking of financial obligations. You've got to weigh the consequences, and the alternatives. Look for assistace now and get things rolling. At least you know your actively looking for an "out" and have a choice in the short term future plan so you can quite, with an alternative in mind. I've got my fingers crossed for you and wishing for the best! I'm sending hugs for you!