Feeling down due to sisters transplant anniversary.

[*kana*]

My sister is celebrating her 2 year anniversary of her 6 point antigen match cadaver kidney. 
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and feel estatic that she isn't experiencing dialysis like I am.  She was on the list for 4 mths, never on dialysis, high antigens, O+.  She basicly won the organ lottery.  Am I jealous .....you bet I am.  Nothing is every easy for me and my sister gets it all and complains about the little things in life.     

I just so wish that she would have more empathy for what I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I want her to call me more and ask me how I am doing.  Ask if I need any help with anything like housework, shopping etc.  I was just in the hospital with C-Diff and low hemogloben and she still didn't call or facebook me to see if I was ok.  It just makes me wish that her transplant would fail so she could understand how much I need her.  Ok, I said it and am so embarressed that I feel this way.  I really don't want her to go on dialysis, but I want her to feel the way I do for 1 week so she's understands me.  It is like she is happily going about her life and she doesn't want to face what she almost had to go through.  We went shopping together a few months ago and she made a big deal about me drinking Squirt and her not being able to and I better enjoy it while I still can.  I wanted to smack her because she can't have like 4 food(grapefruit, shellfish, etc) items and you all know our dietary restrictions.
 
I am sorry I am so whiney and a royal creep tonight.  I am just feeling sad that I can't be more happy for her and not so jealous  of her good luck.  .           

[MooseMom]

I understand your feelings completely, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling how you do.  It's entirely natural for you to want her to understand what your life is like.

I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if she is very well aware of the fact that SHE won the lottery and YOU didn't and that this makes her feel guilty.  You feel jealous and she feels guilty.  It's like "survivor guilt".  I'd bet the north forty that she avoids you because she doesn't want to be reminded of her luck and your lack of it.  Feeling guilty is painful, and we none of us want to subject ourselves to pain, so we do what we can to avoid it.

If you were to explain how you feel to her, do you think she would understand at all?  Is she the kind of person who would try to put herself in your shoes and offer to help out, or would she just run screaming into the night, never to be seen again?

[*kana*]

Thank you for your insight and understanding.

If I tried to talk to her she'd just yell at me and tell me how she tries to please everyone and can't.  She has a lot of in-laws that are kind of difficult to deal with and pull her in many directions. 

I just want her to listen to me and maybe feel sorry for me a little bit.  lol  I'm not normally a big baby, but when it comes to my older sister I need more from her. 


The other huge problem is I'd do anything for others regardless of the impact it had on me.  I find it hard to deal with that not everyone is like me.  She called me when I was sick and wanted to know what to do for her second degree burn.  I was willing to run to Walmart for her to get her some cream.  I honestly couldn't leave the toilet for more than 15mins but I would have done anything for her.   

[MooseMom]

The trick here is to find a way to talk to her without giving her the impression that you are asking her for anything.  If she indeed feels pulled in all sorts of directions from other family members, if she feels that you are ignoring her plight and are "selfishly" just asking more from her, then that's a recipe of disaster.  What exactly do you want from her?  If all you want is someone to vent to and to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on, then I think that is doable.  She may be able to give you what you need, but I am assuming that she may not know exactly what it is you expect from her. 

If you were to have her over to your house for a spot of tea, what would you ideally want to tell her?  If you knew she would not yell at you, exactly what message would you want to convey?  Think about what it is exactly that you want/need from her, and then maybe we can come up with a way to let her know without sounding jealous, accusatory or selfish.  One good idea is to offer yourself as a sounding board for HER.  If she sees that you are strong and interested enough in what is going on in her life, then perhaps she will feel comfortable returning the favour.

I don't know your sister at all, so if any of this just sounds stupid, please disregard this entire post!  Life on D is hard enough without also feeling that you are being ignored.

[Nephrologista]

*kana*, I was thinking about your story today as I walked into the dialysis unit at the hospital.  I always leave my Diet Pepsi outside because I won't drink it where my patients can see.  I think your sister complaining to you about not being allowed Squirt is one of the more selfish things I've heard in a long while.  I think you might want to sit her down and point out exactly what you go through on dialysis, show her the renal diet, and tell her point-blank that her little whingey complaints are insensitive.  Tell you her need some help, and what that help should be.  If she can't see that, then I'm not sure she's that great for your mental wellbeing at the moment.

[Phraxis]

I am going to take a swing here and if it is totally off-base, please don't worry about my feelings if you want to tell me to "get stuffed".

I have known people that participate in dangerous activities that NEVER go to the hospital if one of their friends or collegues are injured. It is not a lack of caring, it is about not facing the reality. I would like to think it is not a cowardly response but a natural one -- the reality of the "possible" or even "likely" is just too much to face directly. And every person on D is participating in a dnagerous activity -- the risk of infection, the heavy toll of even a successful treatment, and all the possible complications, etc.

Another point is that siblings especially of the same gender have complex interactions that take years to reconcile, and you may never close the gap between you.

However, this is EXACTLY the place to express those kind of feelings. No one here believes that you wish her ill. It is a guilty pleasure I am sure all of us have indulged in wishing the D experience on some unsuspecting person, nurse or sibling. We have all been through it. I spoke with a friend who put out the same sort of thing when she said how "jealous, she was of how easy my transplant has gone." (She obviously mistook my outward optimism as and absence of dark fears, and the high price paid by all those that helped me over the past year.) I was not offended -- I have been damn lucky -- but I understand her feelings. And I understand yours.

I am sure the others would join me in saying feel free to unload anytime.