College reunion--and I've got cold feet

[RightSide]

I've been invited to a college reunion (Class of '75).

I just have cold feet about going.

I went to a good university, and I know that a number of my classmates have become very successful in their chosen fields.  I was successful in my field (engineering) too--once.  But then I got shot down by ESRD.  I was really sick for years, I've been in and out of hospitals again and again--and compared to the careers of some of the guys I graduated with, I feel like a failure.

I can't go flitting around the country pulling 60-70 hour weeks on engineering jobs anymore, it's just not possible.  So I'm trying to sort out my life and think about some less strenuous part-time work.  But I'm sure going to look like a failure and a flop alongside some of my old friends.

How do you tell your old buddies, who hadn't seen you in a long time, how you got shot down by this disease?  How do you explain that it's not your fault?

[MooseMom]

1.  Think about not going at all.  It's not a cop-out, it's self preservation.  If this is going to add to your already huge emotional burden, just don't subject yourself to it.  Stay home and do something more enjoyable.

2.  If you decide to go, remember that most people find themselves to be the most interesting man in the world.  Keep the conversational spotlight on the guy you're talking to.  Most people really like talking about themselves.

3.  Redefine "success".  If you are still alive and sane after dealing with what you have had to deal with, you are a success in my book.

4.  If you feel compelled to explain your situation, use the opportunity to educate other people with CKD.  You never know...you might meet up with an old time bud who is going through something like what you are living with.  Your old buddies might not be as "successful" as you think.

5.  I know that guys see life as a competitive hierarchy (or so my husband tells me), but try not to fall into this mindset on this one occasion.  You are a good guy...no one can take that away from you.

[cariad]

Aw, RightSide, I just want to give you a hug right now. I feel that way all the time, so I get where you are coming from. I often feel like a total loser for not working right now.

I know others have had different experiences, but I tend to find that everyone around me thinks I'm some sort of superhero for just getting through this. You have had success in your career, and you can reminisce if the conversation turns to that. e.g. "Oh, your story about being the toast of San Francisco after saving the Golden Gate Bridge reminds of a project I worked on once." (Sorry, don't know what type of engineering you do, but you get my meaning.) Also, look to the future. "I am on the infamous transplant list and looking forward to the day I can get back to work. I think I'd like to get more involved in ______."

I can understand feeling shaky about this, but I think if you enjoyed your time with these people when you were in school, they must be pretty good people and you'll have fun just catching up and joking around with them. If you can give off positive energy about your situation, then I think most people will understand you're doing your best with what you were dealt, and will admire that. They will probably also be fascinated by the ins and outs of the list, so be prepared for those questions. I know people get bored listening to each other brag all night, and hopefully you will hear some funny and even self-deprecating talk, too. I like Worst Date Ever stories because almost everyone can relate to those.

[Stoday]

Do you think, even for one minute, that someone's going to say "I wonder how RS is getting on"? No way!

If you feel a bit uncomfortable about going, don't go!

I got my engineering degree in 1962. I get an invite every year and I used to say to myself that I'd go next year. Next year never came. Now it's too late, I'm not really fit enough to attend such a function, I'd have to leave after an hour.

[Jean]

Depends upon also, how you feel about " the boys". Are they truly an important part of your life? If so, then go. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just tell them you are on a temporary leave until you get a new kidney or whatever. If they are not important to you, why bother. Just dont go. I went across the US in Oct. one month after 9/11. Was sorely disappointed. Most of my friends are dead now. Wouldnt waste my time or money to do it again. Altho, it is nice to see how people look, and maybe they are all bald too, LOL

[jbeany]

I've never been much for reunions.  I'm still in contact with most of my really good friends from college anyhow.  I don't need a high school reunion.  There were only 19 kids in my class in my small town.  If I want to know about any of  them, I just ask their moms when I see them in Walmart, since I'm still living nearby.

I guess you just have to decide if you are going to see old friends, or going to compete with old rivals.  If it's all going to be a competition, then skip it - it's not worth the stress!

[okarol]

I went to my 20 year reunion. The guys were either fat, bald and rich or fit, tan and getting by. The women were a whole range from athletic with face lifts to dumpy and grey. I spoke to a few people who I remembered, met some that I never knew (my graduating class was over 600 students, I knew about 20% of them.)

As was said before, most people are happy to talk about themselves. They will probably have a similar degree of insecurity, no matter how successful they are. That's how it is, ESRD or not, I think many people feel like they should impress everyone.

I went to my husbands high school reunion and his friend (since they were 13 years old) asked if he could ride with us. He was so nervous he almost had us turn back twice. Then I didn't think he would go in. He said he was going to wait in the car LOL. The funny thing is, he's a big, famous TV producer, he deals with directors, actors and agents everyday --  and he is the person whose character the TV show "Monk" is based on. He's successful, rich and still looks pretty good, but he was terrified to see his peers. We talked him into staying and the night turned out fine. We still laugh at him for being such a chicken!

If you want to go hang out with some folks, eat crappy banquet food and make chit chat - just go! If you're feeling bold, tell them how you lost your kidneys but love life - maybe you'll meet a potential living donor.

[Meinuk]

I hate reunions.  If I want to keep in touch with people, I do.  If not, I don't.  That being said... last weekend, I ended up at a party with childhood friends who I had not seen in 20 years.  We had been close, and then, as you do, you drift apart.  For one night, we were 18 again and we all reminisced, laughed and sighed about who we were and who we have become.

I was the one who was supposed to have changed the world by now.  Oops. Forgot to put that on my to do list.  That night, no one cared about our failures. We just shared some drinks, a few jello shots, umm a few deep breaths... and some laughs/giggles.  I have been promised that the photos will be destroyed. We made no lasting promises to keep in touch  - we all knew it was just a one-off, but we did say goodbye by saying that we'd check in in another 20 years.

But these are people that I shared major milestones with.  If you have happy college memories and want to remember them with people you were once close with, I say go for it.  If they are engineers, maybe they could throw you some part time work.  You don't have to disclose anything if you don't want to. 

You should not be measuring yourself against others.  You don't really know what has been going on in their lives.

My final advice:  Think about it (but don't project - just weigh the pros and cons and think about who will be there), and then follow your gut feelings.

[monrein]

I agree with the other posters and say go only if there are people you want to see or are simply curious about.  Other than that, you ARE successful...living with ESRD isn't for the faint of heart and real courage is something many people are lucky enough to avoid having to muster for most of their lives.   No one gets out of here without some adversity however and ALL people could do well to remember that what passes for success is usually dependent on a good measure of good fortune.
Your head should be held as high as anyone's and those who would judge you don't count for much in real terms anyway.
 

[RightSide]

Interesting.

I really appreciate all your support.

And you guys gave me a couple of good ideas too:

Three years ago, I could barely walk, I was too nauseated to drive my car more than a half mile without throwing up (fortunately there's a mall just that distance from my home where I can shop), and I couldn't get a wink of sleep due to the intense itching.  But I worked very hard with my dialysis team to pull myself together to the point that those symptoms are largely gone, I can now take care of myself normally, and even work part-time now.

I guess that is some kind of "success".

And if the reunion makes me that uncomfortable, I guess I can duck out early and see the rest of New York City (that's where the reunion is being held).  There's plenty of interesting stuff to see and do in New York.

Thanks again!

[paris]

Everyone has given great responses.  I never enjoyed my reunions after my best friend since 5th grade died a few years ago. Just never was the same without Mary.   

I think if we were dealing with cancer, everyone would tell us how great we are, what strength we had, what an inspriation we were. But, for some reason, kidney failure doesn't get the same reaction.  It makes people uncomfortable; probably because they don't know enough about it.     I say, go to New York!  Enjoy the city.  See a show. Walk through Central Park.  Oh yeah, and drop by the reunion and see how old everyone else looks!! 

[okarol]

Zach and Meinuk know the BEST places to eat in NYC - so be sure to check with them!

Have fun - you ARE a success!! 

[tito]

This year is my 30th college reunion. I went to a prestigious college, and most of the graduates have met with "success". However, I had no interest in going. The conversation bores me - I don't want to hear about everyone's jobs.

Real success for me is the connection we make with others, the compassion we show for ourselves and others, and the happiness we create in our lives. I can boast of a wonderful relationship with my wife, it is the greatest achievement I can think of. We enjoy life and have fun and truly love one another. We travel and see the world together. Can a job with a law firm top that?

[kitkatz]

If you have survived ESRD for any amount of time, you are a success!  I say go and have fun!

[RightSide]

I'm proud of the fact that I worked so hard to get back on my feet after I got sick with ESRD.

Two or three years ago, I was a mess:

Intense itching all over my body, so bad I couldn't get a wink of sleep; bone pains so bad that I would collapse without warning in my own home or on the street; nausea so bad that I couldn't drive my car more than a couple of miles without vomiting; and increasingly unable to think straight or remember even simple things.

And here I am now, all those symptoms are under good control. 

So I went to the Reunion in New York.  I drove 250 miles to New York and 250 miles back without any nausea; I got good sleep at the hotel; I walked through New York's streets, window-shopping and taking in the sights.   I went to see the Freedom Tower, which is still under construction.

And when I walked into the reunion hall, I was greeted with "Hey, Rightside!  You're looking great!"

They should have seen me two years ago.

To get control of ESRD took planning and it took <i>work</i>.  I'm proud of the improvement I have made.

There was one female alumnus who also had ESRD. But she was very lucky:  Her husband donated her a kidney.  That's right, she married a guy who just happened to have a kidney that was an exact match.

Time does march on.  I asked a few of my old college chums if they had ever returned to the university to give guest lectures.  After all, we all have interesting stories to tell.  They replied that the university prefers guest lecturers to be younger.

[paris]

You did it!!  Good for you.      You have worked hard and you deserved a good weekend. 

[RightSide]

Well, the college reunion is over, and I'm back home.

And on balance, I'm glad I went.
This was the first time since I was diagnosed with CKD that I have been more than a few dozen miles from my home. 

I also took the time to see the new Freedom Tower (the replacement for the old Twin Towers) that is under construction in Lower Manhattan.

At the reunion, I was informed that another alumnus (who couldn't attend this year) had kidney failure too this past year, but her husband donated her a kidney.  She's lucky, marrying the guy who had kidneys that were an exact match.

My hotel was on 39th street; and just 5 blocks away on 34th street was a decent diner, Skylight Diner, that according to the waiters has a no-salt policy. They don't put added salt on any entrees, so that made it a perfect place for me to eat there.

[st789]

   You go.

Who care what they think because they are not in our shoes.  For us, pacing ourselves day-in and day-out and know our limited.  Thanks for sharing.

[okarol]

  Good for you RightSide!

[monrein]

I'm glad you went too.   

[kitkatz]

Good for you. I'm glad it was a good trip.