Sister makes me feel guilty

[Sunny]

I have mentioned before about my oldest sister who is nine years older than me and who came forward to donate 6 years ago.We never had the transplant because I got a little better(though now I'm back to 16% GFR). She was a perfect 6 antigen match and had 6 % antibodies to my 96% so she would make a very good match in many respects. At the time I felt I was being pushed into a transplant and finally told everybody I wanted to slow down the process to see if I would heal. For many years I have done well and am still doing pretty good though I am becoming more symptomatic. Anyway, this beloved sister of mine is being treated for high blood pressure now and there is simply no way I would feel comfortable accepting her kidney now and I have told her this. Plus she is 58 yrs old and by the time I need a kidney, she may not be the right age.
    I am eternally grateful she came forward to offer her kidney and I'm sure many of you have felt the same way when it has happened to you. What is driving me crazy about her is that she sort of has this attitude I am beholden to her in many ways; that I owe her. She lives 5 minutes from me and my family. Whenever she needs anything at all, she expects me, my husband, or either of my teenage children to help her.I feel I can never turn her down.
     After long discussion about this with my husband, I finally turned her down over something she felt was very critical.
    It goes like this: Last year she had a face lift. We all tried to talk her out of it but she rationalized herself into believing she "needed "it. I was the one her took her to the surgeon and took care of her for many long months after this surgery. Believe me, it was no picnic. It was quite traumatic for me seeing her all bruised,bloody and yucky and having to be her nurse as she recovered. Then she also got depressed for months afterward as she waited to heal and I had to get her through that too. Now, since she still doesn't have a boyfriend and she still doesn't look 38 yrs old instead of the 58 yrs that she is, she is going back to the surgeon to have her eyes and chin tweaked 2 weeks from now. She told me I needed to help her again. I told her with my health, I just didn't feel I could handle the stress again and said NO. I also told her I thought she was a little nuts thinking she needed more tweaking to her face.
       I'm glad I said no and don't regret it. But now she is asking my other sisters or my mother for help with the surgery and telling them I don't want to help her. I hear about this from my siblings and it makes me feel guilty. As though I owe her.
        All I can think about is what expectations she would have had of me and my family if I had actually accepted her kidney. I have decided I would rather go on dialysis than accept a kidney from her because of her manipulative ways. Then I also think maybe I am being irrational.

[Wenchie58]

  Siblings can often surprise you, I should know, I am the oldest of 11!  I feel that you did the right thing, you are #1 and have to take that attitude.  There is a HUGE difference between not "wanting" to take care of someone and being "unable" to do so.  I have always been there for my siblings, whatever was needed, whenever it was needed and lo and behold when I had my transplant in October only 3 of them stepped forward to offer me any assistance.  I am not bitter, but it did make the little bells in my head go off. ( Not to be mistaken with the little voices) lol
  Take care of YOU!  None of us should ever feel any guilt about that.  There are times in our lives when we deserve to be selfish.

[kellyt]

If she has hypertension she wouldn't be able to give you a kidney anyway.   As I'm sure you're aware, one of the jobs of our kidneys is to regulate BP.  She would surely be on dialysis in the years to come if she gave you a kidney now.

But, aside from that, don't you dare feel guilty!  She offered and that was a wonderful thing.  It didn't happen and life goes on.  You need to worry about you and your health.  She is have a 2nd elective surgery.  She needs to hire a nurse or someone to help her in her recovery.

Both my brothers tested for me and they were both denied for one medical reason or another.  I am eternally grateful, but in no way obligated to forego my life and/or health to cater their every need.  Nor do they request it of me.

You take care of you!!!

[paris]

Sunny,  I have decided the entire world has gone crazy!  Family members seem to have lost all common sense lately.  You would think family would really "get" how we feel, but those closest some times have the hardest time accepting how we feel.  You have nothing to feel quilty about.  You cannot take care of anyone else while they are recovering from plastic surgery.  You need to take care of yourself, avoid stress and gets lots of rest.  You and I are at similar numbers and you need to do all you can to maintain the levels you are at.  Tell your sister to call me!  Sorry, I am dealing with crazy family members also.     Again, don't feel quilty. If someone offers to donate, it is without any stings or obligations.  You can be a good sister without jeopardizing your health and well being.  Take care of you! 

[kidney4traci]

Sunny, sorry you feel like you are being used and that your sister is talking poorly about you behind your back.  Family should not be that way with one another.  I have one half sister that is the closest blood relative and was going to be the best chance for a match potentially.  For a long time after I was diagnosed, she never even said anything (she does live far away and we usually talk through my mother,so that is not so unusual).  But I was asking my mom why she wouldn't even get tested, and she said it was because of her young daughters.  She was scared.  But here I was feeling like death at the time and my best chance of a way out was ignoring me, and it did piss me off.  Then she started dating a guy who was on dialysis!  I thought HAH! OMG, if she donates to him I will kill her!  But, I am rambling - she didn't, her boyfriend already got a transplant and I should now too in a month.  It all works out in the long run. 

I think you did the right thing.  You are enabling her to think you are at her beck in call.  When in reality she is an adult and if she wants to go through the surgery again, she should not just expect you will be there for her at her whim.  You must protect you, and I am sure you need more rest now if you are back at 16%.  Hers is a choice, your health problems are not and you must take care of you sunny first.

[monrein]

Sunny, as has already been said and eloquently too, you should not feel guilty and you should calmly, firmly and lovingly say no to further nursing duties at the moment.  All the more so since said duties would be as a result of something elective rather than due to unavoidable ill health.  You need to be clear and matter-of-fact about the limitations on your energy as a result of ESRD and it is then up to your family to make an effort to get it.  We have to respect what we need for ourselves and right now you need to conserve your physical and emotional resources because ESRD is a relentless thief of these precious commodities.  Your sisters and your mother need to point this out to your other sister too and if they are willing and able to help her out, that's their option.  

Have a relaxing holiday Sunny and know that here at IHD nothing more is expected of you that what you already give us all by your participation.  

[pelagia]

At 58, will your sister change?  Maybe not.  But you can change your behavior towards her in ways that might make the relationship easier for you to handle.  It sounds like she has some issues.  No matter what you do, you can't fix life for her.  She needs to do that for herself.  Anything you do for her should not be at the expense of your health.  Not at this point. 

Most people do not understand ESRD and the toll it takes.  It's sad when our families don't get it, but it's clear from reading the threads here at IHD, that many folks, even when they are close, don't understand what it means to have a chronic disease.  I've also seen this in my own family's response to all my husband has been through.

You've explained to her that you can't help because of health issues.  I think you've done the right thing.  Keep loving her, but don't feel guilty.

[G-Ma]

Sunny....everything, everyone said...you owe her nothing, unless it's the quarter you borrowed in grade school   

Do not feel guilty.  Be kind to yourself.  Have a wonderful holiday.

Ann

[Sunny]

Thank you for understanding me.
Sometimes I feel like you are the only ones who do. I could rant for quite a while over how I feel this sister has used me. She was the only family member who came forward to donate a  kidney in my time of need and I have 9 siblings. However, she has also been very pushy about telling everybody she has offered to donate a kidney to me and that she is a perfect match.Sometimes I feel this has prevented anybody else from coming forward. With her High blood pressure, she isn't even a candidate anymore yet she tells everybody she will donate anyway, as if she is being so selfless. It just makes me feel worse. Nobody else in my family will come forward as long as she's out there teling everyone she will be my donor. She even told the doctor's at Stanford she will be my donor no matter what the risk. How is that helpful to me? I know how huge her risk would be in light of her HBP. Plus, she would make me feel I and my family are in debt to her forever. At least you understand.

[pelagia]

You can just state the fact, Sunny - they will not allow someone with high bp to be a living donor.   At least not at my husband's transplant clinic.  I'm sure it would be the same anywhere.

Now, you should stop worrying about things and start enjoying the holidays.  Try to put it all out of your mind for a few days, at least 

[monrein]

The only way her donation would be possible is if she can remove the kidney herself and install it in you.  And I really think that organ transplant is one of those things that require a professional rather than a do-it-yourself approach.   You can tell your sibs and others that you appreciate your sister's offer but unfortunately she has some risk factors that make donation impossible.   It ain't gonna happen and nor should it.

Merry Christmas.  Secret Santa comes tonight.  Yay.

[paddbear0000]

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I just wanted to add something. What about the risk to you? If she has high BP, which who knows how long that has been going on and to what extent, her kidneys could be damaged. It may not be showing up in bloodwork. Putting even a slightly damaged kidney in to someone who will only have one, may further damage the kidney, and put you back in the same boat. Tell her that she could make you sick again by giving her your kidney, and see how she reacts to that!

[Sunny]

Good advice Paddbear. I will tell her that when it comes up next time.
By the way, my sister cancelled her plastic surgery. Turns out her vacation time was cancelled at her company.I was so relieved because I was so worried about her.I guess things turn out the way they should sometimes.

[paddbear0000]

  Those are for you.  Has your sister considered seeing a psychologist? I think she would really benefit from one. I speak from experience!

[okarol]

By the way, my sister cancelled her plastic surgery. Turns out her vacation time was cancelled at her company.I was so relieved because I was so worried about her.I guess things turn out the way they should sometimes.

  Good!

[swramsay]

Ahhh. This is late but I got to add my  . I broke loose from a manipulative sibling (at last!) this past year. Pretty sad but she has always been the angry victim demanding love, understanding, compassion or money as she hurled verbal abuse. The saddest thing was that even though she was abusing everyone else, EVERYone else kept asking what THEY were doing to cause HER to act this way all the time! Ugh. So twisted. I used to be in the middle - the communication link between her and the rest of the family. That was the first post I abandoned a few years ago. Several months ago I had my last conversation with her after she stated that she hoped I die soon from cancer. Ugh. At the time, my father and I were attempting to get her some psychological help. It doesn't sound like your sister is quite like mine, but the bottom line is you need to know your limits and to feel good about them and who you are. When you do, it won't matter what anyone else thinks and you will never feel guilty again.

[Sunny]

Swramsay,
Can't believe your sister said she hoped you died from cancer. That is very cruel and I don't blame you from staying away from someone like that.
I've decided to take a long rest from my sister for a while. I just don't need the aggravation.

[twirl]

I have a twin sister who will not give me a kidney
she did not get PKD
she is also thin
and she still gets to teach school
and she complains all the time about her life and her job
I hate hearing it b/c I had to give up my teaching job
and she has to pee all the time
I do get jealous of the peeing
please, can you not complain 24/7 when you come to visit
which she will drive on freeways so we always pick her up and take her home
so     I put up with her, but it drives me crazy
she has no children and never really wanted any so she is good to my children
I do not let them talk to her about the kidney situation

[paddbear0000]

I'm so sorry Twirl! That's absolutely horrible!   

[Sunny]

I agree Twirl, that's not fair. Sometimes we have to overlook a lot of differences to remain on good terms with our sisters. You said she has no children. So what's her excuse for not offering a kidney out of the goodness of her heart? Many people with PKD will worry they may have to save their kidney in case their child gets PKD and needs a transplant. My sister has never been married and has no children so told me she wants to donate her kidney, regardless of her health issues, because it would be a way of giving life. Generous of her, I am fully aware. But if she has high blood pressure I could never live with myself if something went wrong.

[monrein]

Twirl, maybe your kids should really give the whole unvarnished truth to their aunt about what you have to endure three times a week, come rain come shine. Has she ever seen you on dialysis?  Maybe she needs to visit you on D, maybe while they're cannulating you.  My family have all visited me there and watched me do my needles and then they tell each other about it and then I get cards from people, sympathizing and hoping it'll end soon with a transplant, some have been prompted to offer me a kidney when they fully realize just what's involved.  My ten year old niece has come and watched me cannulate, she fainted (due mostly to the warmth in the clinic because we get so cold) but seeing everything I have to do has helped her with her anxiety about her Mom giving me a kidney.  I would hate to feel I have to just put up with my sister or her with me and I'm really sorry that your relationship with her is so difficult.   

[pelagia]

I'm about 99.9% certain that one of my two sisters would never consider giving me a kidney if I needed one.  She certainly didn't consider giving Stephen a kidney.  When I told her he was going to need a transplant, she said nothing, changed the subject and never mentioned if again over the course of 2 years until we had a donor.  Pretty much the same reaction from my father and his wife... These same family members will call me, talk for 15 minutes straight about themselves and never ask how Stephen is feeling.  I do not waste energy trying to figure out their reasons.  "Lucky" for me, they all live far away.  It must be much more difficult if you have to deal with this sort of family interaction on a regular basis.

 

[hurlock1]

I have mentioned before about my oldest sister who is nine years older than me and who came forward to donate 6 years ago.We never had the transplant because I got a little better(though now I'm back to 16% GFR). She was a perfect 6 antigen match and had 6 % antibodies to my 96% so she would make a very good match in many respects. At the time I felt I was being pushed into a transplant and finally told everybody I wanted to slow down the process to see if I would heal. For many years I have done well and am still doing pretty good though I am becoming more symptomatic. Anyway, this beloved sister of mine is being treated for high blood pressure now and there is simply no way I would feel comfortable accepting her kidney now and I have told her this. Plus she is 58 yrs old and by the time I need a kidney, she may not be the right age.
    I am eternally grateful she came forward to offer her kidney and I'm sure many of you have felt the same way when it has happened to you. What is driving me crazy about her is that she sort of has this attitude I am beholden to her in many ways; that I owe her. She lives 5 minutes from me and my family. Whenever she needs anything at all, she expects me, my husband, or either of my teenage children to help her.I feel I can never turn her down.
     After long discussion about this with my husband, I finally turned her down over something she felt was very critical.
    It goes like this: Last year she had a face lift. We all tried to talk her out of it but she rationalized herself into believing she "needed "it. I was the one her took her to the surgeon and took care of her for many long months after this surgery. Believe me, it was no picnic. It was quite traumatic for me seeing her all bruised,bloody and yucky and having to be her nurse as she recovered. Then she also got depressed for months afterward as she waited to heal and I had to get her through that too. Now, since she still doesn't have a boyfriend and she still doesn't look 38 yrs old instead of the 58 yrs that she is, she is going back to the surgeon to have her eyes and chin tweaked 2 weeks from now. She told me I needed to help her again. I told her with my health, I just didn't feel I could handle the stress again and said NO. I also told her I thought she was a little nuts thinking she needed more tweaking to her face.
       I'm glad I said no and don't regret it. But now she is asking my other sisters or my mother for help with the surgery and telling them I don't want to help her. I hear about this from my siblings and it makes me feel guilty. As though I owe her.
        All I can think about is what expectations she would have had of me and my family if I had actually accepted her kidney. I have decided I would rather go on dialysis than accept a kidney from her because of her manipulative ways. Then I also think maybe I am being irrational.

It sounds to me like your sister has more problems than "needing" a facelift. It sounds like she's self centered to the point of not caring about anybody else. I have siblings. They offered kidneys, but I couldn't accept them. It's more than I can ask of either one of them,
".Youth's a mask and it don't last" Sometimes,' I'll get an idea n my head and it won't go away until I satisfy that need. Nothing like a facelift. Even if I wasn't married and " needed" a wife I don't think a facelift would do the trick. This week I've been thinking about one of those japanese food processng knives. Right now i can't think of the name. In my family, we don't ask each other for favors unless we both benefit (from either my brother or sister) I don't need no help and I wouldn't be much help anyway. If your sister needs help with symptoms resulting from a facelift operation, and she's trying to guilt you into helping, she's forgotten what it was to be a sister. She should be hellping you.

[Sunny]

The way I ended up dealing with this sister is by putting her at arms length.
I don't contact her as often and I have tried to maintain some distance. This seems to have worked. My husband and two teens are no longer getting the calls to go to her house to help her with things. She was laid off from her job last month and seems to be busy doing other stuff. I'm almost afraid to call and see how she's doing for fear she'll want something. I hope she gets another job soon so she can maintain her independence.

[celtic warrior]

HANG ON!!
You REFUSED the Kidney,right?
So HOW can YOU feel guilty?

YOU are the one with the major problem , not her.  FACE LIFT???  EYES TWEAKED?? what the hell?

YOU and a great many more like you DREAD the thought of more operations, and she is having them VOLUNTARILY?
just so she "LOOKS" younger.

HOW can you feel guilty? She is doing it to herself, whereas you have no option.

Just hang on in there and stick up for yourself.

Tony