anxious today

[Claudia30]

actually i have been feeling anxious since my transplant a lot. i am getting panic attacks really bad and they are getting to the point of having them outside of the house. i am constantly shaking, nervous, feeling overwhelmed. my therapists are dumb and tell me to take deep breaths which i do but they are bad. part of me could use the kidney/dialysis thing as an excuse before but now i have nothing to lean back on. i know that the transplant is great i understand that and am very grateful but at the same time now i am forced to do the things that i didn't or couldn't do before. It has been several years since I've had a job and terrified of going back to work. i don't know, today is just a confusing anxious day. a friend of mine just found another place to live and is moving...part me me is wild with dreams of what i can do now that the transplant is done but i feel paralyzed. does that make sense. i feel like i am going crazy. i have my days where i am able to take everything in stride and take things one at a time but right now..... :crazy;  <---me. sigh

[Meinuk]

Claudia,

In the past month, your body has gone through MAJOR CHANGES - in health, trauma (the surgery) and medication.  Allow yourself to be anxious, but understand that you are still in early days, things will get better.  As your meds are tapered, and your body adjusts to the transplant.

Panic attacks are debilitating, and if your therapists are of no help, it may be time for a new therapist.  Speak to your  Transplant Clinic's Social worker - they may be able to refer you to someone who works with Transplant patients.

What was normal for you while on dialysis is your most recent memory of what felt "normal".  You are now in the process of redefining your life, in every aspect.  And life is a rollercoaster ride.  So breath, but also know that this is just a temporary adjustment period.

At your clinic visit, talk to your nephrologist about what you are feeling.  There may be a medical reason (are you on steroids?) or, he may prescribe some anti anxiety drugs.

No matter what, try to relax and ride the wave, your body and mind will adjust to your new kidney.

For me (I was transplanted on 11/2), I still plan my days around setting up my machine, and prograf gives me the shakes.  I had to promise people in my life that I would make no major decisions for the first six months.

Either way, we are on this journey together, and I hope that your smooths out, and that by 2009, you'll look back on the early days of your transplant as a time of rebirth and growth (growing pains and all)  Remember - that which does not kill us will only make us stronger.

[kellyt]

  Meinuk.  Good Advice.

I, myself, was never on dialysis and transplanted on 11/05.  I only had one "panic attack" and that was because I felt so good that my husband and I went to a diner.  Not realizing how crowded the place was (or just not paying attention), when I did realize I quickly said "Change it To-Go" and I headed for the truck.  I felt foolish and anxious at the same time.  I've since pulled way back and I stay home for the most part.  I had my follow-up with my surgeon last Monday and he told me not to be a prisoner, but to be SMART when I leave the house.  I don't want or need to leave the house everyday, but if I need to run to the store I go either really early or really late when it's not so busy.  I don't touch unnecessary things and I use my sanitizing wipes on the handle of the cart and use my Purell as soon as I get back to the truck.  I also don't speak with people while I'm out.  I just get what I need and head out.

It's hard when you feel so "good" and finally have energy to leave to house and then forget about your immune system!  Take it easy and enjoy your down time for the last time.  I hope to return to the working world, as well.  I don't care if it's P/T or full-time, but I just need to be around people.  I'm hoping to help out at my old doctor's office starting in Jan.  He's an allergist and has a research center.  They do a fairly large Mountain Cedar study every year and I go in to help with phones, scheduling and logging data in research books.  It's always fun being back with my old co-workers.  They're willing to put me in a secluded space to keep me safe.  I can't wait!

Hang in there Claudia30!   When was your transplant, I forget?

[Rerun]

This is what scares me about another transplant.  The fact that I will be presumed "normal and healthy" again.  A transplant is not a cure and even though you feel healthy and fine you are on lots of drugs to keep your immune system suppressed.  People expect a lot out of you and so does the system.  Now that I'm on a full disability I don't know that I can jump into the ocean to find another job with good benefits.  I have panic attacks just thinking about it.   Sad that this frame of mind is stopping me from transplantion.  If I win the lottery I will try for another transplant.

Being on dialysis does give you lots of room with people.  "if you feel good maybe we could....  If you are feeling up to it maybe we .... "

[Chris]

Well Meinuk said it best, Some of the immunosuppressants can also have an adverse affect on you too. Like Meinuk said, bring it up with your doctor, either transplant center or nephrologist.

Good Luck and hope they help.

[Chris]

Sorry, not sure you can read the side effects sheet I posted. I had to resize it to fit. The ooriginal larger size is much easier to see. I have a PDF file of the whole subject. Hopefully that can help you. There you can enlarge or decrease the view to suite your visual taste.

[RichardMEL]

Aww Claudia30 *tight hugs*

You're going through so many changes... and the transplant being such a wonderful change for the positive - hopefully for the very long run! I'm sure it's quite normal to feel anxious about things like going back to work and all that, but don't PUSH yourself... you've only just had the transplant! You need time for your body to adjust and I'm sure the docs don't want you getting into work environments and all that quite just yet. It's a process that will take time and I'm sure you'll know in yourself when you feel more confident to tackle more..

take care... 

[Claudia30]

Thank you guys for your advice. Chris thanks for the side effects page...helped alot and i wrote down some notes to go to the clinic with for next week's visit. I feel ready to go and i know i have to take it slow...but i feel like i want to fastforward and get on with life. I thank God that i am healthy...and have this kidney...i am thankful every day for it but i am anxious. I have no family and no friends, and no one in my life to talk to except for you guys...and while that is helpful its hard. And with the holidays being here...i love christmas but at the same time i miss my mom terribly at times so i know that isn't helping things at all. losing someone is hard and gets esp hard during the holidays.

[TynyWonder]

aaaawwww Claudia       I know how it feels to miss your Mama as I miss mine too and my heart aches to know that you do not have anyone!!!!   That in itself has got to be lonely AND scary.   Why don't you try and reach out to the Social Worker, a nurse, the doctor, the dietician, ANYONE who can point you in the right direction to meet others?   I know you are anxious right now and may not want to meet people but sometimes, you gotta make yourself get out there.   I do know that is hard to do too as I have been there too.  Are you going to be completely alone for Christmas?  Again more   

[lola]

When Otto had his transplant in 93 he was so freaked out about everything it drove me CRAZY, they said it was from all the new drugs. It was awhile for him to come down to earth, but he did. The nice thing about the side effects he couldn't sleep so he was always cleaning, washing, ironing oh and eating he gained 40lbs in 1 month Hang in there

[drinkboy]

Sorry to hear about your anxiety that you're having recently. You have gone through a huge change, and you have to give your mind and body time to adapt. Take things slowly and go at your own pace, and don't get discouraged if things don't go as fast as you hope. Everything will work out soon enough for you and you'll be meeting new friends before you know it.  You should talk to your doctors to see if there is medication they can prescribe to help with the panic attacks. Regardless, you'll be fine soon enough and you'll adjust perfectly.

As far as going back to work...look at it as a great opportunity to meet new people and network.  Most people meet their closest friends at work, so I'm sure you're going to build new relationships and start many new friendships. I know the holidays are tough when you lose someone close (my mom passed in Sept and it is really hard), but focus on the positives in your life. For you, there is your new kidney, better health, and all the new friends you're going to make very soon. Things are going to get so much better for you before you know it   

[pelagia]

Six months after my husband's transplant he is still showing some minor side effects on his behavior, which I assume are due to the drugs.  He was always one of the calmest people I knew.  Nothing bothered him.  Since the transplant he is definitely more edgy. It's gone down a lot since the beginning, and maybe the changes are imperceptible to most everyone else except me.  He can get obsessed about working, but I have no idea if that is due to the drugs, or just having a new lease on life.  He plays music for a living and has booked a gazillion jobs for 2009.  He will be away a lot.

I think you need to think in terms of months to let your body and mind find a peaceful balance.  Also, don't forget about IHD.  There are so many different people here with so many different perspectives - someone will "hear" what you are saying.  Post often!