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Author Topic: Life as Bachelor? help!  (Read 879 times)
CatonTheRoof
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« on: December 23, 2018, 10:23:24 PM »

Hello!   Maybe some remember me around here?  it's been a long since I last posted.

I'm 29 years old male, have been on peritoneal dialysis for many years,  waiting for the transplant to come.  In this time I haven't had any serious relationship and for that matter, I haven't had any affairs at all.    I'm considered very good looking, and people often never imagine that I'm sick of the kidneys, even less that I'm on a nocturnal treatment every single day to keep myself alive.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of vitality and being honest with you all,  I'm quite tired of being single.  I really want to go out again as I used to many years ago,  and of course, date girls.   
I just want to ask if any of you is/has been a similar situation to mine at some point?   I have some kind of psychological block that makes me very afraid of failure.  I think I can't get past a second or third date because at a moment of intimacy the harsh reality will come to light (including the peritoneal cathether)       Has any of you managed to deal with this situation?  did have any success once after having fallen sick and while being on dialysis?

I appreciate any comments!  :shy;
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UkrainianTracksuit
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« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2018, 04:39:07 AM »

Okayyyyyyyyyy, where to begin? 



I’m not a male, thus not a bachelor, so perhaps I shouldn’t be replying. Leave it up to the guys here? But, I’m unsure if any guy here (as in current regular posters) dated during their youthful years on dialysis. So, you are kind of stuck with this dummy...

While not a male, I understand how dialysis/having your PD tubes could negatively influence your feelings of masculinity and prevents further intimate relationships. It’s not easy and you’re in a unique situation in the dating world. But you really have to focus on knowing all your good qualities and not make “that” the only focus of who you are.

If I could give any sort of advice, it’s to stop thinking of “oh, we need intimacy at the second or third date.” Yeah, I know, it sounds difficult when you like someone and your hormones are racing. But even you, yourself, said you have a psychological barrier to failure/these sorts of things and as a result, you need to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself more time. Be comfortable with the situation and the person first before having a need to be intimate.

Do you tell your dates that you are on dialysis and what to expect, in regard to the tubes? There have been numerous posts of the whole “when do you tell someone you are dating that you are on dialysis?” But, it’s my opinion it is best to tell them early (but early when you are comfortable), let them digest that and if they continue on with you, you are both on the same page, and can move on (when ready) to intimacy. If they know what they are getting, and know that they like you in that way, you can move on to the next steps. Dating on dialysis is a process where you can handle with care.



Some argue with me that it’s not a good idea to tell someone early about dialysis as you’ll lose the person you’re interested in. So? In my crass language, I always say, you’re aren’t getting laid in the first place, so if you lose a person, you didn’t lose anything now, did you? Perhaps confidence... but you build that in yourself. It would hurt more to have strong feelings for someone, they find out about it and leave... or you are ready to be intimate and she says “no” at the last minute because of seeing the dialysis tubing. Openness is key.

But if you’re looking to just hook up with girls... well, there’s always someone out there without this big charade of dating. Always. Always..... she might not win Miss Universe but they're out there.

So, I did the REALLY STUPID move of moving back to Russia to find a husband/get married. It was stupid in that the general population doesn’t look upon the chronically ill too kindly (especially women who can’t pop out some kids) and there are pretty girls everywhere. Men with things going for them have their pick so it made absolutely no sense to enter into the dating zone already at a disadvantage. Dating in the capital city is so competitive that even Vice had a television show about it.

When I met my husband, I had a chest catheter that I tucked into my bra. Obviously, a big bump could be seen through my tops. In the beginning, my husband was friendly but not nice as in “I-want-to-date-you” and we both knew it was because there was “something wrong with me.” When I revealed I was on dialysis, that made dating even less likely. So, he was my handsome friend with whom nothing would happen. But he kept coming around, learned to like me for me, and we started dating and married soon after. He still has hang ups about my medical condition, and they flare up when we fight, but for the most part, he’s accepting of it now.

Intimacy took time. Over there, sex happens a lot on the first or second date because women have to “let the man know you’re interested in him” and if a woman doesn't “put out” after this, we’re told that men lose interest and move on. So, I was honest and blunt from the beginning... it’s not that it wasn’t going to happen, it would, but I have to be comfortable with him, my body and know he wouldn't run to the hills. Having a roll of tape on hand to tape down the chest cath before intimacy became the biggest bump. (I understand that's different with PD tubing and a man.)

After all this rambling, the point is that, yes, you can date. Yes, you can have a relationship. Yes, it’s more difficult than others. But, you have to accept yourself, be comfortable and make sure you date wisely. I know... wisdom and hormones don’t mix...

You could try talking to a dating/love/relationship therapist that has experience with people with disabilities. Believe you me, there are people out there with more peculiar problems than dialysis and PD tubes that get it on like crazy. It would blow your mind. (No pun intended.)
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Simon Dog
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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2018, 06:32:50 AM »

Quote
If I could give any sort of advice, it’s to stop thinking of “oh, we need intimacy at the second or third date.”
Sometimes it's the woman requesting that the man put out after a few dates and if he turns her down she will either start to wonder or lose interest.
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CatonTheRoof
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2018, 06:47:42 AM »

Quote
If I could give any sort of advice, it’s to stop thinking of “oh, we need intimacy at the second or third date.”
Sometimes it's the woman requesting that the man put out after a few dates and if he turns her down she will either start to wonder or lose interest.

This is what happened to me a couple of years ago with a Bulgarian girl.  We were really into each other and she knew I was on dialysis.   She didn't seem to judge myself about it, but I did and it ruined the whole thing.

I don't have any problem in leaving final stages of intimacy on hold for a while,  but it seems that most girls tend to take this as some kind of rejection.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2018, 06:48:47 AM by CatonTheRoof » Logged
UkrainianTracksuit
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« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2018, 07:21:33 AM »

Quote
If I could give any sort of advice, it’s to stop thinking of “oh, we need intimacy at the second or third date.”
Sometimes it's the woman requesting that the man put out after a few dates and if he turns her down she will either start to wonder or lose interest.
Please read the whole reply. That was briefly touched upon. Now that we know it happened with a Bulgarian girl, this makes COMPLETE sense. As I said, in countries like this, offering on first or second date is common, so as not to lose interest. If you don’t land the man, you move on. This is especially true with post Soviet women cause we get browbeaten to nest soon.

I understand this pre/post dialysis. When I dated a pro-footballer (not a very good one, he played in Belarus), I had to throw my cards on the table first, for leverage. If he said no, I figured I was barking up the wrong tree, and off I’d go. Find the next to support me and take off the market.

But in the case of health = cause for rejection = lack of sex, it’s more a problem of miscommunication and misunderstanding on both parts. Not exactly being a bachelor, dating, sex if you have no issues with final stages or holding a relationship. That’s an issue for your soul searching to solve and for a girl to read a little bit.
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Simon Dog
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« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2018, 09:47:17 AM »

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enter into the dating zone
The term "dating zone" made me think of this classic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuI6GTY9eVc
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UkrainianTracksuit
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« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2018, 11:22:11 AM »

Oh my gosh. That is the best chart and video I have ever seen. It's true too.  :bow; There should be a level for former Soviet girls. Mingling around a 4 crazy most of the time but there are times, a 12 on the crazy scale is needed. Like that model that drove her (ex) boyfriend's Mercedes into a pool.

Then again, what do I know? My husband offered to give me away to a random man today. This is like the 4th time he's done it. We stood in line for coffee and the guy ahead of us complained about spending a load on Christmas presents. He said he needed to find a rich woman. (I'm not rich, btw.) So my husband interrupted and offered me. Wonder if he knows of this crazy/hot scale and the zones!
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