I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: KT0930 on August 09, 2008, 07:57:21 PM
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For about the last three weeks, my husband has had trouble getting motivated to do anything around the house, is not eating near as well as he used to, and has just generally been feeling down.
Considering that from March 2005 when his paternal grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer until January 2008 when I had my transplant, he's been doing almost nothing else except playing caregiver and going to work, I can understand why his body finally said, "I need a break". Then finally, when he probably felt he could take a break, we found out that his maternal grandfather was going to probably die in the next 1-3 days. Jason seemed ok when we were at the visitation, funeral and family functions (and trust me, I kept asking!!), but then started acting a bit depressed within about a week of getting back home afterwards.
So what can do to help him? Of course I can do the usual: housework; prepare good, healthy meals; stay upbeat and positive around him; etc. But is there anything extra any of you can think of? Especially any husbands who might be reading...what would you as caregivers really love for someone to do for you, without you needing to ask?
Most of you have read my raves about how wonderful he was throughout the time I was on dialysis, I feel like I should do whatever it takes to help him, but I'm so saddened to see him like this that I'm stuck for ideas. Please help me help him? Thanks!
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Speaking from experience, he needs to get out of the house and do some fun things. Play golf, go fishing, or anything else to take you mind off all the problems. Even a good road trip often does wonders for depression. I've been there and done that and when I'm feeling down, I go out and play.
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flip is right and keep those lines of communication open between you and offer him lots of hugs...before George died he couldn't do much but was great at holding me and us holding each other and I miss that most some days.
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Sounds to me, you are doing everything you can. Maybe he just needs space and time to work through this on his own, in his own way.
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Kelly, does your husband do any regular cardio type exercise? Would he do a walk everyday? Join a gym? I've found this to be a great help although finding the motivation at the beginning isn't easy.
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I don't have any answers but I hope things improve. :grouphug;
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It is equally important to allow him to grieve as long as he needs (everyone's grief is different). Sounds like he's been through a lot lately. I find the simple things, like a hug or cuddle or even a pat on the head can mean so much.
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Thanks guys.
He's been awfully busy lately with things that "have" to be done, so maybe it's time for me to get in touch with a couple of his friends and suggest a boy's night out. As for the hugs and cuddles, I give them every chance I get (I love hugging him!!). Exercise, hmmmm, he's not one to make a point of it, but sometimes I can convince him to take a stroll around the neighborhood in the evenings, so maybe we need to make that more of a habit. We're taking a family vacation to Orlando/Universal Studios in about a month, so maybe that change of scenery and getting out of the usual daily routine will help as well.
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I can only suggest what everyone else has - it's the little things that mean a lot. But I wanted to add my love and support :grouphug;
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Write him a love letter filled with your thoughts about him and tell him how much you have appreciated him. Just tell him you love him in many ways. Put it in his car one night or somewhere where he can read it privately.
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KT, I am sorry for all you two have been going through. Time will help. When I get in that spot, there are days I just want to be left alone, no phones, no interaction. But, my husband usually suggests "getting out" for a bit and we will drive somewhere or sit in a park---anything to change the scenery. Your family trip will probably do you all good. Leaving problems behind and just enjoying being together having fun. Keep us posted :grouphug;
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Antidepressant medicine really helps. I have taken it for quite a while. I try adn stay busy or just go for a short drive.
Lori/Indiana
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Monrein had a great suggestion. Join a gym or try to just start a walking/running program on your own. Just forcing yourself to get out and get going really does help. I also agree with flip, just get out and do something fun to get your mind off the bad stuff...even if he doesn't feel like doing something like gold, fishing, etc...forcing yourself to do it really will make him feel better.
So far I have avoided the anti-depressant route. From what I learned in the handful of psych classes I had to take in college clinical depression or "major depressive disorder" is characterized by a low moods and lack of interest in pleasurable activities without no discernible cause. It sounds to me like he has his reasons...and just needs to work through them
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KT,
If your husband is just "down", exercise, time with friends and even funny movies may be helpful. If he is really depressed, he may need more - therapy and drugs to break the cycle.
This website lists the signs of depression:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
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I've experienced major depression myself, and also majored in psych - this is not major depression, it's just one of those bumps in the road that we all have to deal with occasionally. He doesn't need meds, just some distractions and time.
I suggested a "boys night out" for him, and told him that if he didn't get in touch with a couple of his friends, I would >:D However, one of the main characters for those nights has been traveling a lot on business, so we're kind of in a holding pattern there. Jason's going out of town for some training next week, so maybe that change of scenery will help, too. He does seem better than last week, though.
Thanks, all.
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Thinking of you both :grouphug;
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When I'm on the golf course with my buds, nothing else enters my mind and fatigue just vanishes. I guess it's the adreniline rush. It doesn't necessarily have to be golf, any activity that you enjoy will work.
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Well he was definately doing better the last few days. Maybe just getting back into a routine after having dealt with his grandfather's death. As I mentioned a few posts ago, he left this morning for a few days of training out of state. We realized this morning that aside from my hospitalizations and scout camping trips, this is the first time we've been apart overnight since getting married :'( Not that that's a long time, our two year anniversary is in about a month and a half, but now I'm sad!!
Thanks everyone.
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:flower;