I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: knmiller on March 13, 2008, 09:08:31 PM
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Hey everyone,
Since I became sick awhile back, I decided to stop dating because I was afraid to have to explain my situation and get thrown to the curb. Luckily, I still live a pretty normal life and people who don't know me find it hard to believe I have ESRD.
Anyway...recently, I met someone who completely caught me off guard and am finding myself thinking of her quite a bit. She's nearly everything I find attractive in a person...great personality, good head on her shoulders, beautiful, etc.
We've gone on two dates...I've yet to bring up the topic. HELP! What do I say? How do I do it? Please, anyone else who's been in a similar situation, please tell me what you've done...I'm scared to death.
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I told the girl I'm currently dating the first time I met her.
At the time, I had a transplant - but we knew it wasn't doing well, and I told her that too.
She's been with me almost two years - during that time, I went back on dialysis. It was hard for us, but we made it. I don't really think there's a hard and fast rule - but if you feel something is worth it, you owe it to yourself and her to tell her.
Be yourself, not your disease.
~Steve
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Excellent question but sadly no answer! I have tried both ways , bringing the subject up straight away or waiting a while then bringing it up , result a no win situation! I dont look ill either so unless i mention it no one knows , but ..as soon as i mention it thats it , the other person regardless of all they say loses contact. I hate being judged because im on dialysis and i know these people are not worth the effort if thats how they judge me, but it happens every time ..i have given up now!
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I can only answer from the point of view of someone who doesn't have ESRD (I'm a carer) by imagining myself in your girlfiend's position. I'd prefer to be told after the first couple of dates, not on the first one but then again not after weeks and weeks or it looks like you weren't being up front - but (before I knew as much as I do now and that's not a lot!) I'd have been scared silly by the words 'End Stage', it sounds as if you are only weeks away from death (to someone who doesn't understand). I'd suggest you say you are on dialysis or waiting to go on dialysis (or whatever stage you are at) and then truthfully answer any questions she has. Then if she sticks around point her in IHD's direction. If she doesn't stick around then she truly wasn't the person for you as she has to accept you for who you are. This is only my view of the way I'd want someone to treat me if I was the lady in their life. Hope this helps and I hope she does stick around. I'll be thinking of you :grouphug;
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Great question and a tricky one.
I think there is no set answer - much like the "rules" of dating (ie: when do you call them back, how long to wait, where to ask them blah blah blah). I would say when you reach that point of comfort with someone, and a feeling that things could go somewhere that you owe it to them to be upfront and honest. Yes, it may scare them off.. but my take on that is that is that the sort of person you want (or need) in your life anyway if they will run? If they think you are a reasonable enough person as is I think they at least would like to find out more and see just what the effect is. To be honest I've usually explained before (and if! HA!) things get intimate. First because the fistula is a pretty big give away(and weird as hell for a newcomer) and second because... well I'm sure you guys know that if the energy departs you at a critical juncture.... *sigh*
I remember with one woman I forgot all about that stuff and I had my arm over her chest and I suddenly piped up "oh god I forgot to tell you about this fistula... the buzz isn't freaking you out is it?" - she hadn't noticed... but was fascinated! LOL (guess that means I must have been more of a distraction hey???? yeah, I need my ego pumped up :) )
Anyhoo back to the question... I wouldn't say anything on the first date... I mean you meet someone a) you don't want to scare them off and b) you want to get to know them to see if things COULD go somewhere.. but I wouldn't leave it too long either... they deserve to be informed (I feel) and may even react badly if they weren't told within a reasonable amount of time (like "you had this going on and didn't tell me for 3 months?!!")
The thing to stress is that really you can certainly have a relationship with someone while suffering ESRD.. even with dialysis(of whatever sort) and the various restrictions and so on. Sure... some adjustments may need to be made.... and allowances ... but it's by no means a show stopper.. and if I was telling someone that I'd be hilighting that if they look like they want to run.
Just my thoughts....
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I know for my son he was always upfront about his disease. He also told them he doesnt want pity. If it is the right one its not gonna matter! My son has a g/f of 9 mths now, the longest relationship he has ever had. He seems to berelaly happy now . Goodluck!
:basket:
Lori/Indiana
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The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library. The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest. The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well. Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.
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Hey everyone,
Since I became sick awhile back, I decided to stop dating because I was afraid to have to explain my situation and get thrown to the curb. Luckily, I still live a pretty normal life and people who don't know me find it hard to believe I have ESRD.
Anyway...recently, I met someone who completely caught me off guard and am finding myself thinking of her quite a bit. She's nearly everything I find attractive in a person...great personality, good head on her shoulders, beautiful, etc.
We've gone on two dates...I've yet to bring up the topic. HELP! What do I say? How do I do it? Please, anyone else who's been in a similar situation, please tell me what you've done...I'm scared to death.
I would suggest a dinner date, sooner rather than later. The dinner date and the binders would create the forum for discussion - using binders to absorb phosphorus because your kidneys have failed, etc. Sooner - so that should she run away you won't be totally invested in her.
Best of luck, knmiller... I hope it goes well for you (two)
Alene
(keefer, mysty???)
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The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library.
The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest. The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well. Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.
Isn't there medication for impotense? Viagra or Cialis?
About not having children, not everyone wants to have kids, or they can adopt a child. Besides shouldn't you date and get to know a person before you start talking about kids?
You know what, thanks Stauf. You've crushed my dreams about ever finding love. I might as well just get 60 cats and become one of those old maids you hear about pining away drinking Sherry and reading romance novels. You're a cruel, cruel man Stauffenberg.
You're my own personal dreamcrusher, dam it!! ;) ;) :sarcasm;
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Be yourself, not your disease.
~Steve
I love that! Something we all can take to heart. :thumbup;
Donna
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The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library. The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest. The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well. Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.
Don't surgarcoat if Stauffy! :lol;
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First of all, if I were the "date," I would want to know upfront that my prospective male friend had ESRD and was on dialysis. (This doesn't apply to me and Marvin because we were married for 9 years before ESRD grabbed him, but I'm thinking hypothetically.)
Secondly, there's a new romance blossoming here on IHD between Mysty and Keefer. She knew upfront his health issues, and she sounds like she's in love with him. She, apparently, saw Keefer for the great guy he is, and dialysis didn't scare her away. That's the kind of person who can handle -- and help you through -- this disease. If they're not like Mysty (totally accepting, inquisitive, and supportive), I don't think I'd want them for a companion/partner/possible spouse.
Thirdly, when I married Marvin, I wasn't looking for a father for my children -- I was looking for a companion/ life-time partner/husband/lover/best friend. Now, 22 years later, he's still all those things to me, and we couldn't -- and don't -- have any children.
And, lastly, IF Marvin had had ESRD and been on dialysis before we met, would it have changed my mind about dating and marrying him? Absolutely not! He's a great guy with a wonderful personality. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He makes me complete. And, to top it off, he's exceptionally cute! Thirteen years of dialysis hasn't changed any of these things about him.
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If a relationship doesn't work out because of dialysis/CKD. Then it wasn't the right relationship for you. Move on.
When to tell? You'll know. Never hit anyone with a laundry list of your ailments. (what a turn-off) But If you spend m/w/f tied to a machine, or you dwell every night, or like me, you are a 5x a week person, it's gonna come up pretty early in your dating. Just don't lie, and don't be scared. Be yourself and let that other person into your life - there was in initial attraction - that's why you are dating. Who knows what the future holds.
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But try turning the question around: Suppose you were a healthy nephrologist, knowing all there is to know about renal failure and its complications, and your date were to tell you that he or she had endstage renal failure? Would you want to deepen your involvement with that person and take on yourself all the potential burdens of their disability and premature death? Even though I'm a renal patient myself, I'm not sure I would want even now to select a new life partner with renal failure. It would be much easier to continue to support someone with whom you already had a well-established relationship if that person later developed endstage renal failure than it would be to choose to deal with those burdens up front.
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Otto told me the day we met. We were 18 and he at that point was still healthy, when he started to get sick I was already :guitar:
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Oh Stauffenberg, you hopeless romantic - be still my heart.... (insert sarcastic grin here)
People should take a chance and fall in love. If a disease is catalyst for a break up - then so be it. The point is to love and be loved no matter how long it lasts.
I broke off an amazing relationship because I wouldn't have his children. It hurt, but he wasn't the only man I'd ever love. When planning a future, it is wise to enter in with eyes wide open, but CKD is only one known factor - -what about the unknown? Have faith and carpe diem. If your partner is up for it - then go for it.
And Stauffenberg, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I read that you are married - tell us your story. When did you tell Mrs. Stauffenberg?
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This question is tough because it really depends on the people involved and the situation. That said, personally I think that blurting it out or forcing it into some initial conversation is a bad idea - do not let that be a defining attribute. If you bring it up first it gives the impression that ESRD defines you, when it doesn't. I would leave it for that face to face conversation when you talk about personal beliefs and life plans (third date/meeting or so). Think of it like this - have you ever met a person that the first thing they asked you was "do you know that Jesus loves you?". Nothing against Christianity but that is not the proper first line in an introduction - introduce yourself THEN introduce Jesus.
Timing is most important. A well timed explanation of your situation can be used as a good test of character- if all else is fine and she bolts after you tell her you are better off without her. You could turn a person off by beating them over the head with it in a first conversation or worse wait too long and be viewed as being deceptive. You will know when the time is right - tell when you feel like you are at the stage of sharing personal info but do not wait too long.
Good Luck!
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Its alright to say tell someone early on about your illness and if they are worth it they will stand by you. But how many of you a
have done that and been told , its ok i understand , you are still you etc , but still ended up on your own.? Sadly there is probably only a 5% chance of meeting someone who wont have a problem with your illness. Being ill DOES make a difference, sad but true !
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But try turning the question around: Suppose you were a healthy nephrologist, knowing all there is to know about renal failure and its complications, and your date were to tell you that he or she had endstage renal failure? Would you want to deepen your involvement with that person and take on yourself all the potential burdens of their disability and premature death?
Your head would say no but your heart may say yes, why not. One of my friends fell in love with a man who was paralyzed from the waist down. She really, really loved this guy. But he dumped her because he fell in love with his therapist, they ended up getting married. You can try to analyze it, examine it and try to figure it out but love has it's own way, it strikes you at any time, even when you're not even looking for it.
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I think it would be hard for me to have a serious relationship now.
I would not have wanted to put anyone through the last 18 months with me.
I had a good friend who I enjoyed having lunches and a couple Elvis events with and he was fun but
it was not serious. I didn't tell him I was on dialysis but said I had health problems.
He is married now. I would like a non-serious relationship where we just enjoy doing things or going
places together.
My late husband spoiled me terribly and i could never find another like him.
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Has anyone ever seen Stauffy? I mean, really, anyone had a look at his ears? Based on his posts there is every chance he is a Vulcan./bobt
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Isn't this thread about "dating"? Stauffenberg talks about "life partners" - there's a fair gap between the two to my mind.
If I met someone now and she wanted to go on a date with me (isane woman!) I would *not* be thinking about marriage, kids etc... right now dealing with dialysis etc I personally am not in that position to have the energy etc to put into that.
But we're talking DATING... I think if you hit it off with someone and feel comfortable to disclose aspects of your situation that's appropriate... I wouldn't want to hide it from someone I was interested in dating...
If they're worth it and willing to stick around through the tough times then who knows.. life partners etc might well follow.
The other thought I have about this is that as we all know ESRD is *not* a death sentence - those who can get a transplant and potentially return to a very much normal sort of life.... and I wouldn't want to cut off the possability of sharing that miracle with someone special.
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Secondly, there's a new romance blossoming here on IHD between Mysty and Keefer. She knew upfront his health issues, and she sounds like she's in love with him. She, apparently, saw Keefer for the great guy he is, and dialysis didn't scare her away. That's the kind of person who can handle -- and help you through -- this disease. If they're not like Mysty (totally accepting, inquisitive, and supportive), I don't think I'd want them for a companion/partner/possible spouse.
Okay..I will jump right into this one and be totally honest with you about dating..
Keith and I were talking today and agreed that if there was a way to leave someone.. you would find it .. with that being said...and I apologize for not replying sooner (I was up in Pennsylvania with Keith this last weekend).
Keith and I met.. in a round about way.. Keith saw that with our emails back and forth..there was something there between us.. we could feel the sparks... this was after a few emails.
Then I got a long email from Keith saying look.. before we continue to even talk/chat you need to know the following about me.
I got the entire story from childhood to present day. I read the email.. sat back and though.. WOW!..
And then I sat back and thought about my life... where I have been and where I want to be.
His final line of the email was.. if I dont hear back from you I will understand..
I read that line and got pissy (oops can i say that here?).. So anyway.. I got a bit mad thinking.. just wait a darn minute there buddy.. i'm not shallow... I've helped three of my friends thru breast cancer.. I was my grandmother's caregiver cause her son's (including my dad!) where whimps! She had cancer as well.
So.. I emailed him back.. biting my tongue to be sure and said..
You know what Keith.. We all walk different paths.. we experiece different things in life. I believe all I have been thru.... was in preparation for meeting the right man.. I would like to continue talking and emailing with you.. but.. i need info cause i need to learn what its alll about if this is going to go anywhere..
He sent me here. To this wonderful site. I read a lot before I joined...a lot.. trust me.. it would be two in the morning and i was reading.. then i joined..
I will tell you this.. I am glad he was upfront about it right off. Shows me something about him. Tells me that he is willing to say to me.. this is who i am.. and thats the way it is.. do you want to go down this road with me with so many unknowns..
I knew the answer was HELL YES!..
You don't pass up the love of your life for something thats a bump in the road.
Look around you...see how many wives and husbands have stuck by their mate after being married for years..
And yes.. there are those that hit the road.. their loss.. totally my gain!..
Life is a crap shoot at all times.. be honest.. be upfront and if she runs.. better she leaves now before she breaks your heart and you blame it on your medical ... then you end up turning yourself against you.
Nothing in life is certain.. but I've always been a shoot from the hip kind of girl.. I like the facts up front.
Keith.. is .. well.. what can I say.. Keith is all I ever wanted and then some.
I am the lucky one for not being shallow and seeing Keith for who he is..
If the girl you are thinking about and dating wont be able to handle it..its best you know now...
Keith and I.. well..I can only speak for me.. he'll need to jump in here (i will nudge him)...
There is a country song called.. God bless the broken road.. google it..find the lyirics...
the find the youtube version of it...that is how i feel.. I've walked thru broken glass in my time..for lesser things
For Keith.. I would do it all over again..and not even flinch.. when you love someone...
NOTHING and NO ONE matters..
Tell the gril now.. you owe it to yourself.. to your well being and your own self respect..don't be afraid of who you are..
Remember.... love is not about finding the perfect person.. but to see in your heart.. someone perfectly...
You owe yourself.. do it....
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But we're talking DATING... I think if you hit it off with someone and feel comfortable to disclose aspects of your situation that's appropriate... I wouldn't want to hide it from someone I was interested in dating...
If they're worth it and willing to stick around through the tough times then who knows.. life partners etc might well follow.
There you go.. .....I'll ask Keith (Keefer51) if he wants to add anything...He and I are in the dating stage..but remember at our age.. dating is not like a couple of 20 year olds that do it for months or years...I'm 48 and he's 52...
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Sure... some adjustments may need to be made.... and allowances ... but it's by no means a show stopper.. and if I was telling someone that I'd be hilighting that if they look like they want to run.
Just my thoughts....
Definitely not a show stopper... :shy;
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I am sorry i haven't responded sooner. The question about brining up ESRD is a very good one. Let me first say that yes i was very lucky to meet mysty. We met on a dating site where believe this or not my friends i had over a hundred hits. So out of a hundred women who responded to my profile only one took the chance. I never gave it much thought (ESRD) before my transplant. I was married and was told she had enough of my ESRD and wanted out. Since then i have learned when to and when not to bring it up. I dated a few and lived with a few women after my divorce. My transplant lasted a little over ten years. When dialysis came back into my life i found it next to imposable to date again. Time after time i would get that look or the polite e-mails then i wouldn't hear from them again. There are two things to me that happens first you date which to this old man means go out, dinner, movies, etc... If nothing is said at this time than so be it. Then there are the dates where you feel like this could end up in a "relationship" Then and only then is it appropriate to bring it up. Your chance of her saying good bye are great. But i can only suggest to you to keep trying. It took me 5 years to find Mysty. I know in my heart that she would still love me esrd or no esrd. It is very frustrating and depressing to try and start a relationship with this God awful disease. Please don't give up my friend. Be honest and up front. If she can't deal with it then you have no other choice but to move on. You never know a little time can go by and you would get a phone call and out the blue and she would want to see you. It has to hit people first. Then most will figure out it is not the plague.
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I really apprieciate the imput from Keefer and Mysty. Certainly gives another perspective on this issue.
I am very happy you have both found each other and are finding your way through the dating maze!
I think, as with most aspects of life and dating, there are no set rules for this sort of thing. Clearly facing a serious medical condition such as ESRD adds another aspect to the complex minefield that dating can be.
I think the point made that if someone wants to run from who you are - including ESRD - then they're not really the sort of person that you need or likely want in your life anyway.
It's a tough choice about when and how you would want to disclose your situation. I don't think there's ever a "right time" since there's no real manual for this sort of thing.
As I said earlier I prefer being upfront about it. No sense in beating around the bush with someone you're interested in. They'll figure it out pretty soon anyway so I think, like mysty, they'd apprieciate knowing the full scoop.
I wish everyone contemplating or embarking on dating, forming relationships, friendships etc the best of luck. :)
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Keefer and Mysty :big hug: Thank you for sharing your story.Your advice was very good. Keefer, glad you are back and so glad you pointed Mysty in our direction. Mysty, we are thrilled you are here. Wishing you both a wonderful life together :2thumbsup;
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This is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful question as I have only been on dialysis now for a year and 4 months and while I have not been faced with this just yet, I would be lying if I said it has not crossed my mind many, many, times. I can't say what I will do if I am ever in the situation until I am actually faced with it so, I cannot provide any answers, I only wanted to say this was an excellent question!!!!!
Tammy :bunny:
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I would like to add my :twocents; now. Like Mysty and Keefer, my husband and I met online as well. During the initial exchanges via chat, I told him flat out that I was a type 1 diabetic. Almost every guy I had dated before freaked out when I told them this. I used to not tell them until well into the relationship (I wasn't on an insulin pump then and could hide my diabetes easier). I was sick and tired of this, so I decided to come right out and tell him. I figured if he had a problem with it, he wasn't worth my time and effort. Well, he didn't have a problem with it at all. In fact, he was familiar with diabetes because his father was a type 2 diabetic until he lost weight and resolved it. A while after we had been dating and we were becoming serious, he even told me that he realized that I could possibly face complications or not be able to have kids. But he wanted to stand by me. And 2 1/2 years later, we were married. This May, we celebrate our 1 year anniversary!
When the time comes, you will find the right person who WILL stand by you no matter what.
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The problem with telling dating partners about your endstage renal failure is not only that they may know all about it and the burdens it would indirectly impose on them if they became close to you, but also that they may not know anything about it other than the assortment of popular misconceptions about the disease. It is not clear which problem is worse. Some people imprison you in your disease and will forever be treating you as an invalid if they know you have a health problem. Others love to play medical police and will never stop telling you what to do to improve or preserve your health, based on what they overheard someone saying about the disease in a movie, on television, or at the supermarket. The worst problem is with people who are perfectly able to behave normally and politely when they think they are in the presence of other people just as stong as themselves, but who suddenly turn vicious when they view someone in their environment as vulnerable. When I pretend to be perfectly healthy, I often think of myself as protecting people from themselves and what they would become if they knew I were sick.
Fortunately, I did not develop renal failure until I was into my 15th year or marriage, so raising the issue with my wife was not all that stressful.
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Stauffenberg .. you know.. when Keith told me and then we discussed it further..and he pointed me to this site.. i did a lot of reading.. and a lot of googling....
The one thing I told him is.. He's been living with it and knows what's right and wrong.. and I do not pamper to the point of disabilitating a person..or enabling them to live in self pity..and wallow in it.
I dont play that game..
Now if something goes wrong.. I'll be front and center and a damn pitbull at the hospital or where have you.. thats totally different.
But then that's me.. and I am quite a unique person... I stay up beat.. I don't accept no or i can't or what ever.. I had a very rough life... and I know what to go after and when to call it a draw...and when to fold.
I believe a few dates .. requires nothing .. But.. if its more than a few and you see where it's going or wish it to go.. you owe it to yourself.. and that person.. and Keith is right.. sometimes... that person.. needs time to let it sink in.
Paddbear.. you were on the poster's side of the question. .. and I'm soooo thrilled it all worked out for you..
TynyOne... book mark this thread.. you will come back to it when you are ready..
Paris.. I'm thrilled to be here.. it's part of who Keith is and I will learn and read and share..and..am making a whole new set of wonderful friends and that is a major blessing in its self.
Richard.. dating.. relationships.. are as multifaceted as a prism.. Keith just adds an additional color to it thats all. Yep.. the dating maze. ... but I think we are just a tad bit past dating..and now getting into the stage of..Florida or Pennsylvania...I think Florida is winning out.. he looooves the ocean and the beach..and I've never seen snow much liess had to drive in it.....but we can always go up for a visit to his brothers and such.
Yep.. I hit the jack pot with Keith (pppssttt don't tell him I said that though.. his head will swell up!)
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Ummm...My getting kidney failure was the most stressful thing that has happened in our lives before Victor has his accident and amputation. Raising kids was not as stressful as kidney failure. This never ever ever ends! Going to dialysis and the doctors is never ending and quite infuriating. I think we stick together because there is strength in numbers when you are dealing with the medical professionals.
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That is definitely a good point about telling someone you have CKF or ESRD (or whatever) and having them treat you differently as Staufenberg says.. however I counter with the fact that I would say to someone "hey.. look I am here with you now. You let *me* worry about the dietry or fluid stuff or whatever... I'm NOT about to colapse on you or anything. I am telling you so you have some background to where I'm at, and if sometimes I'm tired or I can't do something.. that's why and so you know what's going on in my life" - I had a female friend visit me in the unit a few weeks ago and I said to her something like I hope this isn't too depressing for you with the needles and blood and machines and nurses and all that.. and she said something quite telling to me - "I came to see you. I'm not interested in that other stuff" - now she meant it as she wasn't focusing on the lines and needles in my arm etc but she was interested in ME and not wanting to focus on that other stuff. I like that attitude.
Obviously everyone will react differently... I know if someone went "health police" on me I'd hopefully explain to them why i was doing something, or that my labs are OK so I feel I can do X, Y or Z and that in the end it's my body and my responsibility and if I do something to screw it up well... that's for me to deal with isn't it (but I would apprieciate someone being like that if it was for the reason that they cared about me and wanted me to be OK - who can be mad at that?).
Finally I'd want to get the RIGHT information out there so that a prospective partner (be it casual dating, or something more serious) had more fact than imagination or what was on the latest episode of House. My life with ESRD will be different to the next person's given where I am at, how my overall heath is, my labs, how I am handling dialysis and so on.
And of course I want someone to see me for ME not "oh that guy with dud kidneys" but also recognising that kidney disease IS a part of my life and always will be for the rest of it - be it on dialysis or hopefully many healthy years with a transplant (fingers crossed!). However Kidney diease does not define who I am.. it is just an aspect of my life.
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However Kidney diease does not define who I am.. it is just an aspect of my life.
One of the colors of your prism Richard? I agree with you..Part of you..
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I'm totally upfront about being on dialysis. I use dating sites so it's the first thing someone will read. Actually I am going on my first date in 9 yrs...tomorrow. I'm sick to my stomach right now, been thinking about it all day. :puke; My sister took me shopping for some new clothes...just a casual get together. I just know I'm gonna flake, and make up some lie for why I can't show. :puke; <------that'll be the reason....
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Just go meet your date Tubes. Life is too short to fret and worry. Take a little risk and I think you will be glad, whatever the outcome. Go for it!
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Tubes, I hope you go. Put on your new clothes and go have fun. You know Susie would be telling you not to back out!! Tell us how is goes!
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So Tubes.... let us know what happened... :) Hopefully you didn't flake and it was good :)
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How was the date, Tubes? :pics; (Just joshen ;) )
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alright, alright.....sheesh....hehehe.....we didnt get together sunday. we both overslept....stayed out too late saturday night, but we finally met monday evening. i guess it wasnt so much a date...just hung out at his place and watched movies in his room. we talked quite abit...just getting to know eachother. nothing happened, i told him i want to take it slow and he respects that. today before i left i asked him if i would ever see him again...and to reassure me, he put his cross necklace around my neck...the one his mother gave him....and he said when he sees me next time he gets it back. if there was a blushing smiley without the "oops" sign i would be using that.
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:shy; :shy; Here ya go! Two blushes, no ooops!
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Hey, that sounds like a promising relationship! :2thumbsup; Good for you. "Getting to know you" is SOOOO important! Most people skip that step and end up heartbroken and angry! He sounds sweet, as do you! :flower;
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Yeah! Susie would be proud!! He sounds like a sweetie! Good for you. Of course, I think he is the lucky one, because he gets to know YOU. You know I love you!! Keep us posted. :2thumbsup;
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:-* Good for you tubes!
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Sounds like a promising start. Glad you took the chance and went Tubes. I'm hoping things keep on going well. :guitar:
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Well that didnt work out. After about 2 weeks, he stopped talking to me and I didnt see him again. So I still have his cross necklace. But I'm over him, wasn't meant to be...I've moved on. Jerk.... :sir ken; I do have good news thou. Met someone else about 2 weeks ago, James. We've hung out numerous times, he's met my family and they really like him....so do I. :shy; Spent the weekend together and we went to the Greek Festival in Omaha..if u can call it a festiva. It was fun! Different foods, the pastries were good. We are dating, which is really scary. I'm not sure how this works, I've never had a "grown up" relationship. I haven't dated or been with anyone since highschool. I guess u learn as u go.
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No wonder you haven't posted for a while! James sounds like a good one. But no one is as good as you! Enjoy your time together. He is lucky to have you with him. Love you, tubes, and still want you to be in Vegas :cuddle; :cuddle;
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Sorry about that first guy Tubes but who knows why people do the things they do? Hope things keep going well with James and that you have fun getting to know each other and hanging out. There are so many frogs and apparently only a few princes so good luck with it all.
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You da man Tubes!!! So glad this new guy seems to be working out for you. I know one thing sbout kidney failure... heck any big situation that is tough to deal with - having other focuses like work, family, partner etc which hopefully are mostly positive can really help get you through. As for not being too sure what to do or how to act now you're dating... hey just be yourself!! I'm sure that's what he saw in you the first time (ok, perhaps he saw the more obvious bits about you to like... hehehe ;) ). So relax, enjoy and getting back on topic... you'll know when it's right to fill him in on what's what!!
All the best! :)
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Sigh, it is true, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. (actually, I'd settle for a plumber)
Good luck Tubes, I'm proud of you for getting out there. (Susie would be too)
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life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
I hope you dance
twirl
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My husband brought it up on the third date. I appreciated knowing the information up front. I think it requires sensitivity and understanding on both ends. For the non dialysis person (such as myself), it's a lot of information to take in. I knew nothing about dialysis before I met my husband. I asked a lot of questions and we did have some arguments about it. I was scared. As a young person, thinking about your future and wanting to start a family, there's a lot of issues to think about. But we were able to communicate about it all. Just as he needed me to understand the issues associated with dialysis and his own fears, he needed to understand my own fears about being with someone with a chronic illness. It's a two way street, but that's the case with any relationship. I think when a chronic illness is involved, the issues are magnified. I believe it's necessary for both people involved to be open about communicating, even if it pushes your boundaries a bit. It is not just the person without the illness that needs to be understanding. In the end, though, it has resulted in a much stronger relationship between the two of us -- there is a lot that must be discussed and worked through early on in the relationship. As you can tell, we did end up getting married, so for all of you out there looking for someone, it can and will happen. What I really appreciated when I first met my husband (and still do) was his confidence. In spite of everything, he was confident about who he was and what he wanted out of life. That's incredibly sexy. And perhaps I'm the crazy one for marrying someone with a chronic illness, but I've dated a lot of perfectly "healthy" men, and none of them measured up to my husband.
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life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
I hope you dance
twirl
There's a song or two in that poetry, twirl. :2thumbsup;
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Very touching and true post Florence. Thank you.
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All but one knew I was on hemo before... The one that didn't, I informed at the beginning. I can't be attracted to someone that I don't feel I can be open with; it's not the way my mind/heart works. Being an introvert, I'm difficult enough to get to know without having 'renal patient' in the equation and have strong reservations about letting anyone that doesn't fully understand the implications get close to me again.
Patience of granite, ocean of will.
M:>