I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: KICKSTART on February 25, 2008, 05:33:16 AM
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I think im on the verge of a breakdown and dont know what to do, i posted earlier about my family not understanding anything ..well today just got worse. I rang my mum to see if she had been to the doctors and she has. So i asked her then why did she not tell my brother she was ill yesterday , yet it was the first thing she told me..i didnt get an answer.I then said i hoped my brother was puling his weight instead of sat on his backside like usual and i got told to stop it , she wasnt up to it. So i said some straight talking is needed here , why does she run round after a grown man like he was 12? The answer ..im the mother ..my brother is in his 30's. But also i confided in my brother last night that i was getting the brunt of it from my mother and he has only been and told her all i confided in him ..so you can imagine how i feel. My brother can do no wrong , yet here i am with all this going on , illness, divorce , waiting to move , stressed out and still used as a dumping ground for my family. I cant stop crying , i feel so alone, i have no one to turn to or lean on , i think im on the verge of a breakdown to be honest.I've just had enough.Im not looking for answers from you guys , but i needed to put it in words cause i have no one to talk too.
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
There is nothing I can say to make it better for you. Just that I do understand.
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I;m really sad to hear about your family troubles, like kit said there is nothing really i can say to make the situation better, other then there is so many ppl on here that care.
Thinking of you
Amanda
:grouphug;
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I am trying so hard to stay positive , but i cant do this on my own , so i have rung the renal unit and asked if they can find me a councillor and i have also managed to find a local support group , so i have emailed them for some info , but right now i feel so overwhelmed .
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Kickstart please understand that I say what I'm going to say out of love and you can take my advice or tell me to shove it, but here it goes.
Although you seek the loving support and are not getting it, and I understand this fully believe me, You are a grown woman and if you are not getting what you need then don't give what you don't have. Meaning: Some people only drain the emotional resources that we have, when they aren't given back, it only depletes what you have. I would cut off communication with the family for awhile and just keep them in the loop in case of an emergency. We offer as much understanding and support as we can here at IHD. You need to take time for you, whether it's a self help book, a day at a beach to just relax or a spa. When things get this bad drastic measures must be taken or it will only get worse. There is a lot of self help books out there.
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:grouphug; I agree 100% with Sluff you need to take care of YOU
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Right on Sluff, I haven't had contact with my family since I was 11 years old. They have phoned when they have needed help and I have told them I have nothing to give. Families are suppose to help EACH OTHER, not just use. That's my :twocents;.
KICKSTART, take a couple of steps back for yourself. Go see a counselor, by all means, I pray who ever it is, will make you see that you are being emotionally abused. Take care and keep us posted. We all care. :grouphug;
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Thinking of you gal. Families can be the very hardest. It sounds like you're figuring out good things to do though -- venting here, finding a counsellor, etc. You are a strong person, you will get through this. But meantime it sucks.
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in the "for what it's worth" department.... here's something that helped me get thru a similar experience...
Going to my mother for support is like going to a hardware store for milk.
Once I got it thru my head that I was in the wrong store, things got much easier and better for me. Mom (and I love her dearly) is just not prepared and equipted to give me the support I need when I need it. If I was going to get what I needed, I had to find some others who can give me what I need.
I believe you're heading in the right direction by going to someone else. Keep mom in the cycle, but don't expect anything from her.
I hope that was helpful
-Devon
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I cant thank you guys enough , yes everything you all say makes sense . The hardest thing i have to deal with is if i dont stay in contact with my family and all they throw at me , then im totally alone in every situation. If i try to put some distance between us till i fell better to cope , my mother will take it as a fall out. For her its all or nothing im afraid and there is now way i can calmly discuss it without being put on a complete guilt trip and made to be the villan of it all. Like today and why she so protects my brother. I think a councillor maybe the way forward for me. Sorry for being a pain in the A*** guys when you all have so many problems of your own. Thankyou more than words can say for taking time out to help me with mine :grouphug;
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KS,
BE a pain in the &ss. That's what we are here for, to support one another. You need it, you ask for it, we'll give it to you!!!
This is a VERY stressful time for you. You've got a lot going on, no wonder you feel as if you're about to have a breakdown!
Give yourself credit for being as strong as you have been, for going on as long as you have! Now, Come in there and sit down
and just let it out, or PM someone here you trust and let it out that way. But NEVER feel that you are a pain in the &SS!!!!
We love you, KS!!
:grouphug; :grouphug;
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Maybe later on in your counseling Mom could join in but for now you do whats best for you. :grouphug;
Devon you ROCK!!
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We love you and you are not a pain anywhere. I just had a family member make a comment that she did so much for me, but didn't think I would do the same for her. How she forgets what I already have done. You go ahead and rant. That's why we are here :grouphug;
Take care of yourself! :cuddle;
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I can cope with the lack of support from them , what i cant cope with is them expecting me to shoulder their problems as well. I cant believe my brother betrayed me and how my mum defends him.
Sluff , there is no chance my mum going to a councillor with me , her get out clause (turning on the waterworks)wouldnt work and that would mean having to face issues instead of running away.In fact i doubt if my family think anyone has a problem ..only me.
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Good luck to you.
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Kickstart,
You need to just concentrate on yourself rite
now, and not any other person- whether it be
your Mom, brothers, whoever. The only person
important you to at this time is you alone!
I hope there is a good social worker at your unit-
they can be immensely helpful.
I can understand how you feel- I did have a breakdown,
and I do know how it feels. Try to convince yourself
that you and you alone are what is important- I know
it is not easy, you sound like a big hearted person, but
you have nothing to give rite now and must take care
of YOU! I do hope social worker can point you in the
rite direction- but always remember this website is a
wonderful support group, many people here care for
you!
I am saying a prayer that you can calm down and relax!
Anne
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Kickstart. We love you and we are here for you but PLEASE think about ringing the Samaritans NOW - 08457 909090. They will listen, not judge and it will help you get it out of your system. You don't need to be suicidal, just in need of someone to listen. I KNOW they will help you as I have a friend who is one in Herefordshire. Counselling will help but you may have to wait, in the meantime please, please ring them. And please keep posting to let us know how you are. :cuddle; I wish I could offer to talk you through this but it's the anniversary of my husband's death this week and it's all I can do to hold myself together. I oculd wellpush you over the edge ;D. Please take care of yourself.:grouphug;
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I really feel for you. Mom's are not always the best qualified people for listenig. If you are going through a divorce, along with everything else in your life, these are very stressful times for you. Maybe take a small break from the family. Finding a counselor or therapist to talk to will be of great help ( it helped me). When you feel strong again, it seems you have every right to talk to your Mom about how you are feeling. Let her know how hard things are for you right now and that you could use a little emotional support from her. I'm hoping she isn't completely selfish and can give you a little something that you need.
Hang in there and be well.
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One of my New Year's Resolution's this year was to repeat the following words to myself on a regular basis - "I can not change my family. I can not change my family." It helps a little. My only approach when they start harping at me about one another is to become completely passive. I nod, "ummmhmmm", and do nothing at all about the complaints. They still drive me a bit crazy, but making a point of not responding lessens the pressure.
I hope the councilor helps - it's good to have someone to talk to who isn't in the middle of it all.
I watched a comedian on TV the other day who did a whole spiel about how he loves his parents, but if he met them at a party, he wouldn't want to talk to them. I can relate! ;D
:grouphug;
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Take it easy and take care. :bestwishes;
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I'm sorry you are going through all this stress KS.
I hope you can take some deep breaths and relax and do something that you enjoy.
I think talking with the counselor is a good idea.
The support group sounds good also.
Will be thinking about you and praying that you will have calm, peace and joy in your life.
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Rose 1999 ..god bless you and thankyou for taking the trouble to post on here at this awful time .
Just to update everyone , i havent heard from a councillor today but the lady from the local support group has rung and although we didnt manage to chat tonight we are meeting for coffee tommorow , its my intention to join the group now i have found them and hopefully make some friends. Tonight im on one big guilt trip , which is nothing new for me, i shouldnt feel like this because i stood up for myself , but my mum has perfected the art of making me feel selfish and guilty.I think i need to sleep now to escape for a while and then see what tommorow brings. Thankyou my wonderful friends you have saved me tonight.
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It's great that you are standing up for yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel that's wrong. You must put yourself first and do what makes you happy. I hope you find comfort in the support group. Take care. :cuddle;
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I'm hope you make some good friends from the support group so you don't feel so alone.
You have us anytime you need us but sometimes it is just good to have someone to talk to face=to-face.
Best wishes to you KS. I will be thinking about you and praying for you.
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Going to my mother for support is like going to a hardware store for milk.
Keep mom in the cycle, but don't expect anything from her.
This says it exactly how it is. Try not to confide or discuss your health issues with your brother or your mother KS. The truth is they just can't handle the problems that come with renal failure. And they don't seem too interested in learning! A support group is a great idea. I am sure you will find a wonderful group of people that will be far more understanding of your problems.
Keep your mum in the loop, just be selective to what you tell her.
:cuddle;
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Hang in there, KS ! And, YOU take care of YOU !! You are the most important person in that loop, as far as I'm concerned. Thinking about you and sending up a few prayers for you!
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:grouphug; :grouphug;
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Hope tomorrow is a better day :grouphug;
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Hi KT,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this emotional roller coaster. No one deserve this, especially you. I know how family can be so stubborn and set in their ways. Some just will not change no matter what. But always remember, you have control of you. YOU ARE THE BOSS OF YOU. Sometimes our emotions take hold of us, but be strong and like what everyone said, take time for yourself and try not to worry about your Mum and brother. I know easier said than done, but you must try for your own sake.
Rookiegirl :grouphug;
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Kickstart, yes you are guilty! guilty of the enormous love you have for your family. And that is something amazing in you, no matter what, you're checking on your Mom, and that is superb my dear. Just keep the love in you, the love that does not wait for anything in return. You need to be strong for yourself and for the family that you love so much. In a way, you are much in luck than your brother, You have a life of your own, you don't cling to anyone else, and that is outstanding of you. Breathe, keep a distance for a while but don't lose the love. WE LOVE YOU! don't forget that.
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I hope today is a better day for you. The local support group sounds like a great idea, I'm sure you'll feel better after that coffee and chat. One thing I must say is that if you join the group I know you will be a massive support to the others there too, it will be their lucky day :2thumbsup;
Sending a big hug to help you through today :cuddle;
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Hey KS,
Just checking in on you. I hope today has been better and you are feeling stronger. I hope the coffee meeting went well. :cuddle;
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Good morning guys, i cant say i slept well because everything was going over and over in my mind. I spoke to the lady from the support group and something has come up so we cant meet till thursday now. But the group sounds just the tonic i need . We had a quick chat on the phone this morning and she totally understands what im going through. Im still going to go ahead and try to get to see a councillor. The question is now i have to decide what to do about my family. Its going to be difficult to keep a distance between us as my mum will be funny with me if i say i need some space ,it will be all or nothing i think , i get the choice of making myself available 24/7 or dont bother at all. This is how my mum is , if i dont ring every day then im being funny . I really am going to throw myself into the support group , they have all sorts of fun meetings and events , but of course my mother will think i got some 'new friends' and make me feel guilty,so i wont be able to share it with her. Even though i dont get any support , it will be ..huh you dont need me now you got this group. How do i deal with this guys ????
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Hello Kickstart,
I agree with Sluff you need to be focused on YOU. It is important that you take care of yourself because you see that you are not getting help from your family. I do think seeking professional help was an excellent idea, talking to a professional can be very helpful. The support group idea is also perfect for your situation, you are making great decisions to help yourself go with that instinct and focus on YOU. The people around you will need to learn you are important too and accept what you are doing as necessary.
Take care and be well :grouphug;
CW
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Good morning guys, i cant say i slept well because everything was going over and over in my mind. I spoke to the lady from the support group and something has come up so we cant meet till thursday now. But the group sounds just the tonic i need . We had a quick chat on the phone this morning and she totally understands what im going through. Im still going to go ahead and try to get to see a councillor. The question is now i have to decide what to do about my family. Its going to be difficult to keep a distance between us as my mum will be funny with me if i say i need some space ,it will be all or nothing i think , i get the choice of making myself available 24/7 or dont bother at all. This is how my mum is , if i dont ring every day then im being funny . I really am going to throw myself into the support group , they have all sorts of fun meetings and events , but of course my mother will think i got some 'new friends' and make me feel guilty,so i wont be able to share it with her. Even though i dont get any support , it will be ..huh you dont need me now you got this group. How do i deal with this guys ????
The best way to handle this is to call her check in and when things start to go the way you don't want them to go, just say someone else is calling, or someone is at the door, or something on the stove and you need to go...we"ll talk later goodbye. That way your not being rude or telling her about everything.
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Good morning guys, i cant say i slept well because everything was going over and over in my mind. I spoke to the lady from the support group and something has come up so we cant meet till thursday now. But the group sounds just the tonic i need . We had a quick chat on the phone this morning and she totally understands what im going through. Im still going to go ahead and try to get to see a councillor. The question is now i have to decide what to do about my family. Its going to be difficult to keep a distance between us as my mum will be funny with me if i say i need some space ,it will be all or nothing i think , i get the choice of making myself available 24/7 or dont bother at all. This is how my mum is , if i dont ring every day then im being funny . I really am going to throw myself into the support group , they have all sorts of fun meetings and events , but of course my mother will think i got some 'new friends' and make me feel guilty,so i wont be able to share it with her. Even though i dont get any support , it will be ..huh you dont need me now you got this group. How do i deal with this guys ????
Good luck.
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After all if it came down to the bitter end of the world..who can you trust the most? Yourself. If you can't, then you need to learn how to do that. The councelor will help with this. You are a survivor KS or you wouldn't be so upset and stressed over all this. Take care and keep us updated, we love ya girl.
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Well i feel totally washed out and drained now, i have spent all morning trying to track down a counselor to see and it looks like going through my doctor there is a 3 month waiting list..great isnt it.
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Well i feel totally washed out and drained now, i have spent all morning trying to track down a counselor to see and it looks like going through my doctor there is a 3 month waiting list..great isnt it.
Aww geez, thats like me I waited 4 months to get into a rhumatologist and got a scheduled appointment sometime in April. Now I find out I won't have health insurance in April.
I think JBeany said this once..tie a knot and hold on tight.
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I really am going to throw myself into the support group , they have all sorts of fun meetings and events , but of course my mother will think i got some 'new friends' and make me feel guilty,so i wont be able to share it with her. Even though i dont get any support , it will be ..huh you dont need me now you got this group. How do i deal with this guys ????
Share with us, KS! We want to hear all about it!
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I really am going to throw myself into the support group , they have all sorts of fun meetings and events , but of course my mother will think i got some 'new friends' and make me feel guilty,so i wont be able to share it with her. Even though i dont get any support , it will be ..huh you dont need me now you got this group. How do i deal with this guys ????
Share with us, KS! We want to hear all about it!
petey , i havent met the lady from the group yet , but just during our phone call this morning she gave me an idea of what things they get up too..ahem they have trip organized to go to the races , a big picnic in the park and dare i say a visit to a quite famous 'Drag queens club where they have a cabaret ..it all sounds so much fun ,something i havent had for such a long time! As i join the group and go to a meet , i will keep you updated on how i found it !
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Dearest Kickstart:
I can relate somewhat to what your discussing here.
Our world can get very small with health issues, our immediate family our only contact. When I returned from a 3.5 week stay in the hospital and had entered the realm of the "The Dailysis World" ... accompanied by my new companion, congestive heart failure (from the drugs administered to suppress my immune system). I was not only changed physically (not a muscle left), little energy, but high on prednisone and assorted heart medications ... it was a personal struggle and an ongoing nightmare.
I had landed smack dab in the middle of everyone (I have four son's and a husband) trying not only to cope but also they had come face to face with the mortality of their mother. I had been the "force" in our home.
My eldest son went on a heroin binge and stoled our car ... my husband wouldn't stay out of the my bedroom . I tried to sleep, with steroids that can be a challenge; I would awaken to my dear annoying husband holding a mirror under my nose as he routinely checked to see if I were still alive. Tempers flared and many regretful things were said.
All this to say "Our Condition" causes an emotional earthquake in our homes. Some family members are in denial, some are agitated and angry ... which is primarily a poor response to their fear. Out of those circumstances come much strife. Yes, strife ... the very last thing we need. We don't always get what we need though.
A year later, I have found the journey eventually made me stronger and my gain has ultimately outweighed my losses. I am still on dialysis, have CHF and await a transplant. Try to step back and not take it personally ... which I know is a tall order in the best of circumstances.
Your wise to seek counsel to sort out what's up and widen your perimeters bit by bit if you can. Make a "What I am grateful for" list. Even in these unspeakable trials there can be a silver lining somewhere. Take your thoughts captive and think on those things when times are hard. Be slow to speak as not to engage in dialog that can only deteriorate.
Take a walk if you can. I cried when the sun would hit my face ... put that on your grateful list.
I will be praying for you Dear One.
Renee
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Dear Kickstart, I just wanted to relate to you some of what i always faced with my family. When i was 11 and was told i had only one kidney and that it was having problems it was the beginning of a nightmare that all of us share. My father dropped me off at the hospital. Thats right dropped me off. He didn't like hospitals so he brought me in and a nurse took me to my room. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. i was so scared. I knew at that time i would have to deal with this alone. Today i am back on dialysis for four years. When i moved back home from Nashville it was really the best thing to do at the time. I have three brothers and two sisters and my parents are still alive. They don't ask much about me and i don't say much either. When i was married my ex couldn't stand the whole thing either. In case of emergency my oldest sister will take me to the hospital. Other wise i live in a small two bedroom apartment located in the back of my parents house. If something happens to me there they would know anything for a couple of days. So my point is i just did most of this always by myself. One time i told my mother during a very rare discussion;"Mom, you and dad and my brothers and sisters know maybe about 20% of my life."
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Wow, I can related to this feeling of alone. Geez...my mom also toys with my emotions.
At this point, I just share my feeling with people who have experienced or training in dealing with patients like us.
I learn to take care of my body and mind first. Everything else is secondary even if the sky is falling. :grouphug;