I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: Neo on October 10, 2007, 08:43:58 AM
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SHe posted under FormySon, I caught her typing it and I told her I did not appreciate her coming in here and talking about everything that happened to me which was 10 years ago by the way. I felt like I had a community of friends here that I can talk to about things I don't want others to know about..Now I feel my privacy is being stomped on.. I mean I am not 19 anymore which is when I get sick I am 29 she does nto need to be dwelling on the past to everyone spilling details I may not want anyone to know, and if so I wish she wouldnt come to ihatedialysis.com because I look at this as a safe haven of sorts to express all of my feelings taht I cant express to others..
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well...it sounds like she really loves you a whole bunch.
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I'm sorry! I understand how upsetting that would be. I don't tell any of my family members about message boards I belong to because I want to feel free to say anything that I want to. I'd feel very stifled if they were out here, too.
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That's too bad Neo it really should be your personal thing. My kids know about IHD but they respect that it is my space and they do not violate that. My mother on the other hand I would not tell her anything or she would be all over it.
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Neo I too feel like this is my place, I have not given the info to my family only because I can come here and really express how I feel and not be the cheerleader my family expects from me. :cuddle;
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Hey Neo, I see this a little differently I guess. My mother is constantly doing research about kidney failure, dialysis, transplants. Even though I had my transplant she is still researching. She loves me more than anything in the world and I know this. However, she constantly worries and is obsessed about every detail of my health. My own comforting her, or our family isn't quite enough. Most of the time, she drives me nuts about my health. However, she seems to get more comfort out of having read some of other people's experiences and learning from them and truly seeing how other people in the world are doing with renal failure. She hasn't come to this site yet, but she seems to have found some other sites that are helpful to her so far. Even though I like coming here and not having my family read or know some of how I feel, I would understand if she decides to come here and express herself or use it in finding information. And trust me, I am an extremely private person especially in regards to my family. I even "lurked" around IHD for a good 7 or 8 mths before I finally joined. It would take away a sense of privacy for me, but what it would take away compared to the comfort that my mother might feel, is worth it for me. I do hope that you and your mother can find some way to possibly co-exist on IHD and both enjoy the benefits it has to offer. :grouphug;
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Hi Neo,
I never would have realized she was your mom as she completely respected your anonymity and did not mention who you were. On the other hand I see how it would feel awkward for you to openly share if you know that your mom might be reading your posts. I have Jenna who is 21 and James, 19 and 2 other kids, and they are very private about where they go on the internet. I make the 2 younger ones give me access to their myspace and facebook because they are minors. But I don't go where the older 2 post. However, I have to say as a caretaker, IHD has helped me a great deal. There's really no other site that has as much help and experience available. I wish Jenna would come on here, I think it would be great for her, but she has her own things she does. And she may think of it as my place, because I was here first. So after all of that, I don't really have an answer. Your mom will most likely choose to do whatever makes you most comfortable.
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Well, Neo. I just answered the other thread, but you do have a point. I don't have any answers either, but Karol has some good thoughts to think of.
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Neo, I would feel the exact same way man. I have been exposing just about everything in my life lately but I have reserved IHD for me. I would be pissed as hell at my mom as I am not 12 years old or 19 years old but a grown man at 32 years old. To me IHD is almost like goint to a theripest, it is my time and place to express myself, any violation of that would be a tragedity (for lack of a better word). I am curious as to how you plan on handling this situation.
And MOM if you read this.....please respect my privacy and stay away. If you really want to help just back off and I will ask for the help I need, it is not about you and being a mother and trying to feed me "chicken soup" to feel better...."chicken soup" may help you feel better and serving it may make you feel good but I HATE IT.
Hold your ground Neo. What's done is done so try and figure something out.
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Your mom is your mom and remember, when she is gone, she is gone forever, you are only going to wish she was here getting in your business and trying to feed you chicken soup, geeze, that is what a mother is for. How sad that anyone would hold any grudges towards their mother for wanting to learn more of their childs illness, i could only wish my mom knew how to work a computer i would have her in here faster than lightning. I hope anyone who has bad feelings towards their mom or anyone else would learn that life is too short and we need to enjoy those while we have them. :twocents;
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I totally understand Neo. I feel like IHD is MY place. I feel like I would be more reserved in what I say if I knew some of my family were coming and reading my posts.
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Your mom is your mom and remember, when she is gone, she is gone forever, you are only going to wish she was here getting in your business and trying to feed you chicken soup, geeze, that is what a mother is for. How sad that anyone would hold any grudges towards their mother for wanting to learn more of their childs illness, i could only wish my mom knew how to work a computer i would have her in here faster than lightning. I hope anyone who has bad feelings towards their mom or anyone else would learn that life is too short and we need to enjoy those while we have them. :twocents;
WELL SAID NINA....Boxman
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She cares about you. But I understand that you need your place to vent.
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Very well said Susie. I wouldn't care if my mom came here, it would just show me how much she truly loves me and wants to be there for me and learn about my problems. I can also understand you want your privacy and so forth, but to me.. if you can't share something as important as your medical probs to your own mom.. who can you share them with? I guess that's just me though, I am close with my mom and hope me and my daughter grow up to be just as close.
Good luck. :grouphug;
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All I can say is that I wish that my Mom (Reba) was alive to stick her nose in my business. I lost her back in 1980 to Cancer. The Lady I call Mom now is a wonderful person (my dad re-married about 11 years ago), and I love her dearly, but She's just not my Mom, ya know?
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my family don't know about IHD. if they did they wouldn't pry, much. she just loves you and wants the best for you. don't be to hard on her.
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Have you tried talking to her and telling her how you feel instead of just letting her read it here? She might understand and respect your wishes.
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I wouldn't be to hard on Mom she is probably trying to cope with this disease just as you are. I agree with whats been said already, you can have anyone as a father but you only have 1 mother. Love her while you can!
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you all on this bored mean a lot to me and I treasure your advice. However she knew I didn't want her on here, this site is like a therapy and its as if she walked in on my private session with my counselor. Thanks for all your support by the way and I'd love to get to know you all better so please send contact info.. But anyway I'm on the machine right now and I'm getting some benareyl in like 5 minutes.. Yay!!! Night everyone my real name is matt by the youall can call me either one..
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I have considered asking my dad if he wants to join IHD, since he is my home dialysis partner, but I kind of like being able to converse (and rant) in privacy. That being said, my grandmother is a member here (phurball), and I'm glad. She respects my privacy, and she is nearing dialysis herself, so I say she's more than welcome here (although I couldn't exactly stop her even if I wanted too, because she has every right to be a part of this awesome site). I wouldn't actually STOP my dad from joining if he really wanted too, but I would have to make sure he would respect my privacy, and it would be kind of a "what's said on IHD, stays on IHD" kind of deal.
Adam
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Hi Matt,
I am a Mom and I post on here often. My son knows I write and talk to others on this site. Its my "Therapy" as a Caregiver and a Mom. I respect my sons privacy. On the otherhand I can talk to other people on here about what my son is going through and get their advice whether I need to back off or be persistant on certain issues. I may not be a Counselor but I know my son better than anyone. As a mom Matt your mom still sees you as her lil boy . My son is 22. Age means nothing ;) a moms love doesn't know age ;).
Don't know if I helped or made a fool of myself .
Lori/ mom to Dustin 22 with FSGS/ dialysis
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Hi Matt, I'm sorry to hear you are upset and I can fully understand why. But I'm sure your Mum didn't do this to pry into your postings, no doubt you have told her that the site is wonderful for support and advice and she's just trying it for herself. I'm a Mum and I know that there is truly nothing worse than seeing your child ill, however old they are. I lost my husband to cancer 3 years ago but even that can't compare with the thought of losing a child. Your Mum is scared and wants to be informed about your illness, how she can help and what she can expect, she is looking for ways to make you better. My Dad is on dialysis, that's why I'm here, trying to find out what I can do to help and support him, how others cope with it etc. it helps me to care for him knowing that I have the love and support of people on here. Please be assured that your Mum is on here because she LOVES you, there is no other love like that, believe me. I also understand that you feel you can't post your innermost thoughts now that she might read them (and we all have things we don't want to tell our loved ones, however much we say we should be able to talk to them) and the only suggestion I can offer is, can you change your identity on here? After all no-one really knows if we have posted our correct names, and if the photos are of us, someone else - or in my case just a picture of a flower. It's just a suggestion as I hate the thought of you not being able to use this wonderful forum when you need it.
:grouphug;
Rose
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Just an FYI from the sound of everyone's posts on this thread and another, nobody knew it was you until you said so. So you could have talked to your mom off the boards to let her know your feelings instead of pubically doing so.
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Just an FYI from the sound of everyone's posts on this thread and another, nobody knew it was you until you said so. So you could have talked to your mom off the boards to let her know your feelings instead of pubically doing so.
HE KNEW. It's not about us.
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NEO, i kinda understand how you feel, but try nto to hold it against your mother, even though i think she should of run it by you first, she does have your best interest in mind. My sister is also on this site, and even though i have a Good relationship with her there are some things i wouldn't post about now because i wouldn't want her reading (HI ROSE).... ::) :lol; ................ So i do understand, maybe you can discuss it with your mother about how your feeling, i hope you sort things out and you both feel comfortable posting here. :cuddle;
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Hi Neo,
maybe you are being a bit harsh. My mother passed away when I was 19. I am 35 now and I still miss her. I know for a fact she would be checking up on me every 5 minutes if she was still with us. And it isn't because she was a busy body but because she cared and would worry about me. My father on the other hand, doesn't want to know. He never calls me, I always have to call him and so does my sister who is 8 months pregnant which really upsets her coz she thinks he doesn't care. He hasn't visited either of us though I live only 30 mins from him and my sis about 90 mins by car. We both make the effort for him but it's like he doesn't give a shit!
Be grateful that your mother cares about you. She won't always be there for you.
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Be grateful that your mother cares about you. She won't always be there for you.
He is not being ungrateful. I am sure he love his mom just as the majority of us do. A mothers love is undoubtedly a very special, precious love, something different than we feel from anything else. That is not the discussion.
It sounds to me that IHD was/is to Neo as a therapist/counselor would be to you. If you made a commitment to see someone and hash out your feelings, your personal feelings, with a therapist you would be expecting confidentiality, in fact there are laws that protect that very thing. If that trust (so to speak) were to be broken how would you feel. Would you go back to that therapist.
I say this not to speak for Neo, but because I would feel this way under similar circumstances and I know that there are others who need to know what they are feeling can be related to. It is important not to feel alone in a world that is already very scary.
I understand all of these posts are expressions of feelings but some of them come across as preachy and derived from personal circumstances rather than what we know about Neo and HIS mom. I think it is wrong to insinuate that he doesn't love or respect his mom because of his feelings and that just because she is his mom he is supposed to put his feelings aside and understand her. Isn't the parent supposed to be understanding of the child (sorry Neo couldn't think of the word) not to mention that HE is the one living this nightmare.
Neo is an intelligent being, he knew he had options on how to approach this situation and I am sure he had to expect some of the replies the topic has received, let's give the guy some credit.
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I think it is wrong to insinuate that he doesn't love or respect his mom because of his feelings and that just because she is his mom he is supposed to put his feelings aside and understand her. Isn't the parent supposed to be understanding of the child (sorry Neo couldn't think of the word) not to mention that HE is the one living this nightmare.
Maybe he could have asked her privately not to invade his space. My first gut reaction, when I saw his posts in CAPS, was what the hell is he yelling at his MOM in public for? This is public, as much as you would like to think its private. I understand where he is coming from, but being the adult he says he is, I personally feel he could have handled his rejection of her being here, less harshly, and a lot less publically. And she did try to protect his anonymity, and her post was respectful..his was neither.
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Maybe he could have asked her privately not to invade his space. My first gut reaction, when I saw his posts in CAPS, was what the hell is he yelling at his MOM in public for?
I have to admit that I thought the same thing.
This is public, as much as you would like to think its private. I understand where he is coming from, but being the adult he says he is, I personally feel he could have handled his rejection of her being here, less harshly, and a lot less publically. And she did try to protect his anonymity, and her post was respectful..his was neither.
I always treat every post and e-mail as if it was going to be read from in front of the town haill and the next "town meeting".
It seems that NOTHING is private, especially on the Interenet, anymore.
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I really wish my mom would come here, but you'all would scare her to death, so it's a good thing she doesn't. she uses the computer but is afraid she'll push the wrong button and it will blow up. neo, i do know exactly how you feel though. my mother is a big help, i wouldn't have survived this if it wasn't for her, however i certainly don't tell her everything. in fact very little at all, she doesn't really understand.
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she uses the computer but is afraid she'll push the wrong button and it will blow up.
My grandmother thinks the exact same thing! She won't even set foot near one! :rofl;
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neo, i read your mom's post. all she did was give us background information, just like many other introductory posts. if you hadn't said anything we would have no way of knowing it was about you. you are very loved.
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george jung you seem to understand what i was trying to get across. But i am open to all your opinions and will use them to try and figure this out. You all important to my well bieng and sanity for a lot of things. I had already told my mother how dismayed i was and if she could pick another forum to use. She basically spitefully ignored what i had to say. There are things that she doesn't do take care of herself such as she smokes and is overweight , I try to tell her to tryto stop smoking and take better care of her self but she always talks about my disease and thatshe has to take care of me as an excuse and that is totally untrue I take care of myself and she uses it as a crutch to not face her own problems. So that is why it botherse she did that because that was about when I first got sick and it has no bearing on the here and now.. I also thank all of you for taking trout of your busy life to help deal with things in my life, you all mean a lot....
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Neo, without giving into every push from your mom (it is important to hold some of your ground for your own reasons) I would just say to try and be compassionate toward her. We all have our own shortcomings and it is very easy to focus on them while sometimes very difficult to recognize what is good. I think my mom overcompensates for her faults by focusing on me and trying to feed me "chicken soup" and it is not always easy to deal with. Here is how I am learning to handle it,.... I take the soup (figuratively speaking) and put it under the table for the dog to eat just as soon as she is not looking. True, I want my mom to focus on her own health but if we don't want to help ourselves there is nothing anyone can do for us.
I will continue to think about this topic but I had these thoughts and wanted to pass them along. I think I do know just where you are coming from and I hope it gets easier for all involved. -George
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Well Neo, (Matt) you do know i have control of the "ban button" and for a slight feeeeeeeeeee ::) 8) ;)
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i understand how neo feels. its because now whenever he posts something he has to deal with the fact that his mother could be reading it. when you have to worry about how what you say might upset somone you love expressing yourself stops being theraputic, its just another stress... having to put on that happy face so the ppl who care about you dont worry too much
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i understand how neo feels. its because now whenever he posts something he has to deal with the fact that his mother could be reading it. when you have to worry about how what you say might upset somone you love expressing yourself stops being theraputic, its just another stress... having to put on that happy face so the ppl who care about you dont worry too much
If you have t put on a happy face for people who care about you, they don't care about you as much as you think in my opinion.
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Neo,
I know how you feel, I really do. You have to live your life under your terms. To me trying to spare others your true feelings or your true situation only compounds things in two ways.
1. If they do not understand your feelings or what is going on in your life, then you can't expect them to understand if they don't know.
2. If your not being truthful about what is going on then you will feel like no one cares because they are not understanding you.
If they don't understand the real you then maybe you need to distance yourself from them. I just hate to see this happen, life is to short.
Whatever advice you follow you have to live by your own terms. That is what makes you who you are. We are always going to be here for you no matter your decisions. :grouphug;
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Your mom is your mom and remember, when she is gone, she is gone forever, you are only going to wish she was here getting in your business and trying to feed you chicken soup, geeze, that is what a mother is for. How sad that anyone would hold any grudges towards their mother for wanting to learn more of their childs illness, i could only wish my mom knew how to work a computer i would have her in here faster than lightning. I hope anyone who has bad feelings towards their mom or anyone else would learn that life is too short and we need to enjoy those while we have them. :twocents;
i have to say i agree with you goofynina. I lost my mom 3 years ago and have no other family to really speak of and i was an only child and it was just my mom and me. My mom was totally involved in my care and while i hated it at times, i wish she was here to bug me about my meds and ask me how dialysis is going and keep up with the internet and my kidney failure. I understans tthat you frustrated with her but she might need to be comforted and supported in her own way...remember that this isn't jsut happenign to you, yes it is happening directly but it is also happening to your family members who are worried about you adn care deeply about you. Maybe you should sit down with yoour mother adn explan that this is your area and that you need to feel like you are able to communicate wihtougt any bounderies. If you explain what you want of her and why, she might lisen, but then again she might be a twit and not listen even if you get red in the face. i would try to communicate with her and as goofynina said you will one day lose her and you will regret pushing her out of your life. Your mother is only trying to help...you both need to put yourelves in eachothers shoes. good luck.