I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: poohkari on July 17, 2007, 11:02:25 AM
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This is my second post on IHD ever, and of course, it's going to be me blowing off some steam here.
When Wade got sick, and was in the hospital, it was the first time we had ever been apart for a night - For the past year and some time we had seen each other every single day, and spent every night together (not like that! just having him next to me!). Obviously, I wasnt able to spend each night in the ICU with him, btu I was there every day. That entire month was a blur - friends calling me asking me how he was, and what they can do for him, but nobody asked how I was. I held it together for him, and he knows it. I felt so alone, and I still carry some of that with me. I don't spite him, I hate the situation, and I hate how I felt like nobody had my back! I dont hate Wade at all. Wade was a spoiler - i'd come home to flowers, notes, dinners, get whisked off to romantic dates and trips - I was seriously a princess! - and then, one day, no more!
Wade and I had picked out an engagement ring not too long before he got sick. He had actually unofficially proposed in November - we were going to go to City Hall on my birthday! - but we decided to "do it right". What little ring savings he had is gone after this. We really just want to go get hitched at City Hall, now more than ever, but marraige for us is out of the question - his SSI benefits can't get compromised. So really, I just want to get that engagement ring! I know its a trivial tangible item, and that I don't need proof of his love or anything, but it would be so nice to have, to show everyone we're not just some dumb kids (like some people think) and to have the hope and something great to look forward to in the future. All of our dreams just kind of crumbled, and now it seems like the only thing we have to look forward to is a kidney transplant down the line.
So, yeah, I feel incredibly guilty and selfish. I wish every single day it was MY kidneys that failed instead of his. I wish I wasn't such a brat. I wish his mom was nicer. I wish we had gotten married in November.
Blech!
Kari
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I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better.
I hope there is a transplant and better days ahead for you.
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Kari,
It is lonely when someone you love is sick. You're the healthy, intact one, so the expectation is that you will hold up just fine. But the stress and worry are so overwhelming! The thing is you don't want to add to the burden of what's going on so you don't complain. Your situation is harder because you're both so young. Most of your friends haven't had to deal with anything so devastating, and have no clue. Luckily I am surrounded my other wives and mom's who have had their own challenges to deal with, so there's been good support. But with my husband becoming disabled, and less able to work and parent and be a partner in many ways, I felt very isolated. Taking care of Jenna is different, because she's young and I gladly accept that role. The loss of some of the freedom and perks of having a healthy husband took some time to become adjusted to. I can still sometimes get filled with fear, or sadness, but not so much as time goes by.
It may be hard for Wade to consider marriage now. Sometimes men feel like they have no business asking someone to marry them if they can't carry their end of the responsibility. I don't know if this is his thinking, but he may want to wait a bit until he can see what the future may bring. I would take it one day at a time, and things will surely work out as they should!
Wade's mom is doing her own grieving now, I imagine. By the way, my mother-in-law (we were dating 5 years before we got married) HATED me at first. We just got off on a bad start (long story) and it took a long time for me to be friends with her, but I was determined! We finally both accepted one another, she was grateful for the life I shared with her and her son. She died at 60 years old, so very young, but we had a special closeness.
OK that's my sermonette for the day!
I am glad you are posting here. I looked all over for support groups and help for Jenna - but they were few and far between, and mostly patients who were a great deal older than her. IHD has helped me learn a lot, and also to develop relationships with some really great people. Come rant whenever you need to!
Best,
Karol
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Hang in there Kari, please feel free to come and rant all you want, we are here for you :grouphug;
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There really is a lot of support here for you and Wade. Things will get better in time. the Caretakers position is very hard and the rewards so little. However love conquers all things.
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OMG reading your post was like reading what i was thinking 14yrs ago, hang in there I've been with my husband Otto since we were 18 he went into failure when we were 22 and nobody understood what I was going threw. Hang in there and e-mail if you ever need a shoulder. IHD is such an awesome site you'll meet some amazing friends. :cuddle;
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Thank you all so much guys! I really appreciate it, and it feels better already!
Now, i'm just waiting on him (and his mom) to get back from his fistula surgery!
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Poohkari, give him time to sort out his direction in life and unconditional support him because he will need it with this freakin chronic condition. I agree with Okoral about how men approach marriage when they feel uncertain or unsure about the future in term of how to support or share his life with his partner.
I am sharing this opinion from the stand point of a young kidney transplant patient male. Sure, there are days I wish to be just like other men in term of physically and financially secure about the future but I don't.