I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: skillpete on May 16, 2007, 10:38:25 AM
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I started this topic about friends who don't know how to be friends the other day and received a few responses about cutting friends loose. I can't stress how important this topic is because I think it's very healthy to cut certain people out of your life. In the last year I completely cut 2 people out of my life. One was a control freak who had to have everything catered perfectly to his needs, and the other was a downtrodden dejected drifter who sucked the energy, money and life out of me. I mean..what are we doing ? why are we giving and helpful good friends to people when they don't deserve us! I don't necessarily let people walk all over me or anything but some people just expect things for nothing and frequently at that! Listen folks, I'm a very giving person and I like to help people but I have my own problems too, and I refuse pity or help from anyone, and I know most of you can relate because of the adversities we've had to endure. Now I'm letting go of my girlfriend turned friend that I wrote about originally on friends who don't know how to be friends.
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Some times for your own health, physical and emotional you have to. You always have to think, how does this friendship benefit ME? Not necessarily materially, of course. But somehow, there should be a benefit to you.
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Good for you, Pete! You've gotta do what you gotta do, and when one's health becomes a fragile concern, the 'friends' who are really just energy thieves, need to be jettisoned.
Friendship is either what it should be; a two way street, or it's just a dead end street with a brick wall waiting for the crash.
love on!
~LL~
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I agree with the importance of cutting some friends loose. If you don't you will soon be broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.
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Some "friends" are toxic (so are some family members!), and should be avoided if you want to preserve your health and sanity. You have to look out for yourself first, because that's your prime responsibility!
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Thats the one thing about dialysis I do like - It puts a whole new light on living & gives most of us time to sort whats real from what we thought was real. Its a personal battle for life, one only we can understand.
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Thats the one thing about dialysis I do like - It puts a whole new light on living & gives most of us time to sort whats real from what we thought was real. Its a personal battle for life, one only we can understand.
I agree with you Joe Paul, I hate the fact that I have had to go down this path, but I think It is teaching me alot about myself, and others but also prioritising whats important in one's life.
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I struggled badly a few years ago, having a falling out with a group of 3 of my friends. I didn't want to let go, but I could only tolerate so much. I was being downtrodden and backstabbed, and they were all being so frigging two faced.
It took me an extremely long time, and support from my psychiatrist, to make the decision to cut them loose. And when I finally made that decision, it was like the hugest weight off my shoulders. Now, if I happen to run into them, we talk in a civil manner and leave it at that. We don't call each other, or contact each other in anyway or visit each other. And it did me the world of good.
They were all older than me by a good 5-8 years so I was very bitter for a long time, I felt they needed to grow up and act their age more. But it took me a while to realise what people in this thread are saying - having an illness like this really does give you a whole new perspective on life, and really, in the long run, it's usually to your benefit. They don't know what it's like to suffer something like this, but they see fit to pass judgement on you all the same.
Honestly, the sooner you cut them loose, the better. You don't have to be actively "fighting" with them - better not to be, actually, that's far too draining. But move on, and leave them well behind.
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I'm not very good at having friends. I would rather be with my husband, my dog, my horse, my mom and dad, my brother and then maybe with my friends. I like my own company and don't feel the need to be with others. Sometimes it just takes too much effort. I've cut a couple of people out of my life over the years, not because I dislike them but because they just seem to live a completely different life.
I have about 3 good friends that I see only a couple times a year. Luckily I have the phone and the internet to keep in touch. I'd do just about anything for them but a daily friendship is just way too much work for me.
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I'm a bit like that now, Carson. The daily friendship thing is far too much work. I just feel like I've spent most of my life giving, giving, giving and not getting the same effort in return.
I do have some very close friends, and like you, I don't see them all that often. It seems to work better that way! They don't live real close by either.
I do like to have friends, and I do like to catch up with some friends at least once a week, but they are casual catch ups, such as my trivia team which we go to each week.
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I once had a friend who was very obnoxious and everything had to be her way right down to what we all did and where we went when we were together and here it was either my husband or I doing the driving.......I couldn't stand being on the phone with her since she never knew when to get off and I never called her since it would be the same story and she would have the nerve to write me a very nasty letter all about me not calling her.....peeps like her should realize that they drive others away.....last straw was when my husband wanted to go to Chinatown to eat in this nice restaurant and my husband was the one on the phone with her since I was not going to be on the phone with her and talk for hours.....anyway here we are the ones driving and she tells my husband "I really don't want to go to Chinatown"....so I told my husband to tell her to just forget the whole thing and we are not doing anything tonight.....I kept avoiding her calls..........
Pete, this is the same woman I talked about in your other thread.....she is one of the very few peeps in my life who gave me a bunch of grief........
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It's kinda funny but it really takes a long period of time to get to know what a person is really all about. In the beginning a person will put his or her best foot forward in an attempt to portray themselves in the most positive light possible.
Only as time goes by do we really get to see what a person is actually about. Sometimes the person will genuinely be who they portray themselves to be. If we like what we've seen then these are the people to cherish and keep forever.
Sometimes the person is partially the person they've portrayed themselves to be but as time goes by we find that there are additional attributes present that aren't so sweet.
Cutting that person loose can be difficult because conflicting feelings might be present but in the end those conflicts can only be resolved by severing the lines of connection.
Remembering the words of Ronald Reagan, "trust but verify".
If we are honest with ourselves and follow our feelings and intuition things will generally be ok.
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Livecam, you are so right since when I was first friends with that woman, she was very nice and on her best behavior........only thing is we didn't share the same interests so we had nothing in common so it is not like I even persued her but my husband kept on pushing that we should have her over and believe you me, I didn't really want to do it but he talked me into it so I gave her a chance and she seemed fine......
Now when things got nasty with her, I abruptly cut her off and no it was not hard at all since she was driving me nuts.......I mean even a saint like Mother Theresa would not even be able to handle her.....then after I cut off from her and I was doing some desk cleaning, I came across some old letters from her and she was very nice in those....no accusations and rudeness from her like in the last year of our so called "friendship"......so I had realized the drastic change she had made.....
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illness has a way of weeding the wheat from the chaff.
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Illness can zap your energy and so do those relationships.
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Good for you Pete. There are many things to worry about in life, you don't need the fairweather friends to make you miserable.
I have let a few friends go because they were just so toxic, negative and way too dramatic for me. I have a close circle of about 5 friends who I can lean on and trust completely. They were the first to offer any help when Rob got diagnosed and actually follow through with it. Good friends are like a marriage, they should be with you through the good times & the bad, richer & poorer and sickness & in health.
Good luck in letting your girlfriend go, having a life-long disease is one of the best way to see if your partner is a keeper.
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When i lived in Nashville i had many friends. I had no family there so they became mine. When i knew i was getting sick again i made a decision to leave them and move back to my hometown. It was the hardest thing i ever did. I hate to be a burden to anybody. Since i have been sick i don't usually let people get too close. Most of them write daily, at least the ones that are true.