I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: frankswife on November 02, 2014, 02:41:25 PM
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What the hell is wrong with me. My husband is ill, on dialysis, and I'm resentful because he isn't "there" for me when I need him. I'm in alot of pain in my neck, shoulder and head, arthritis I'm presuming, and I called him from work (11 1/2 hr shift) and he's been sleeping all day long. He told me he feels weak and I hate myself for being resentful. I'm an awful horrible person.
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Please don't be so hard on yourself. I can't even imagine all that you are dealing with. I can't give any practical advice since I'm not in a similar situation but I know that people need to be valued and heard and if you're giving all the time you can't help but wonder "what about me?" I'm sure others here will be able to jump in with real ideas. I know that when you're ill it's hard to think of anyone else but I know caretakers carry a heavy weight.
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What the hell is wrong with me. My husband is ill, on dialysis, and I'm resentful because he isn't "there" for me when I need him. I'm in alot of pain in my neck, shoulder and head, arthritis I'm presuming, and I called him from work (11 1/2 hr shift) and he's been sleeping all day long. He told me he feels weak and I hate myself for being resentful. I'm an awful horrible person.
Nah, your not an 'awful horrible person' please, don't lay a guilt trip on to the troubles you already experience.
You are though a very stressed human being. One that is taking care of another that is ill.
One would need to be a Saint not to have a resentful pang or two under like circumstances.
Not a doctor and cant / don't prescribe for any one else, but I use (not all at once) all of these in moderation.
Consider EFT.
Also consider unpasteurized beer for the calming Hops in it.
I kid you not, it also performs as well or better than any probiotic.
And herbs like:
Passionflower (Passiflora incarnata)
ashwanganda (Withania somnifera)
Eleutherococcus (Siberian Ginseng)
Hawthorne (Cratageus)
Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis)
Consider Castor Oil packs for the pain referenced.
See also:
http://www.thetalker.org/archives/25/23-castor-oil-pack-usage/
http://www.thetalker.org/archives/730/talkers-list-of-home-remedies/
http://www.thetalker.org/archives/169/28-improve-psychic-intuition-with-eft/
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Neither you or your Husband have it easy. He suddenly finds his life revolves around a machine that keeps him alive and he pays for this with all the problems that Dialysis patients complain about fatigue cramps, etc.
You on the other hand have a life mate who suddenly is not their for you the way he was. This is the time to sit down and discuss the common fears you are both dealing with. Don't also discount the stress his illness has you under. He may be getting the treatments but you also share the worry and fear that any medical procedure induces. About 6 years ago I had six stents put in my heart, but the worse part was the stress my wife was under when I saw her after I got to the room she looked terrible from the wait to here how I was. She was in such obvious stress that I insisted she leave go out get lunch and do something fun and come back in the evening. She looked much better when she returned. The lesson there is that just because your husband is undergoing Dialysis don't think it does not negatively stress you. In addition you must make a exrta effort to stay healthy for the both of you. Fixed some typos.
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Neither you or your Husband have it easy. He suddenly finds his life revolves around a machine that keeps him alive and he pays for this with all the problems that Dialysis patients complain about fatigue cramps, etc.
You on the other hand have a life mate who suddenly is not their for you the way he was. This is the time to sit down and discuss the common fears you are both dealing with. Don't also discount the stress his illness has you under. He may be getting the treatments but you also share the worry and fear that any medical procedure induces. About 6 years ago I had six stents put in my heart, but the worse part was the stress my wife was under when I saw her after I got to the room she looked terrible from the wait to here how I was. She was in such obvious street that I insisted she leave go out get lunch and do something fun and come back in the evening. She looked much better when she returned. The lesson there is that just because your husband is undergoing Dialysis don't think it docent negatively stress you. In addition you must make a exrta effort to stay healthy for the both of you.
Michael Murphy: Your kind words to frankswife made me think hard about some things. You might even say it made an impact on me because I woke up this morning with a little more energy and feeling a little more positive.
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It is hard being the "other " person to someone who is ill. Remember the sick person gets all the attention by medical people and is cared for. The spouse or "other" is largerly ignored. My wife thankfully (she was a therapist for 30 years) understands this and reminds me of it. You are not awful when you feel worn down by your significant others illness. You are not awful to sometimes resent all the attention they get while you work to support them and are ignored.
Talk to your husband about this. I bet he will understand and make an effort to return your caring . This is not an easy life for any of us. It is a road we travel that few others will ever see . Hang in there. You are an angel for caring for another person.
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Thanks to all for your kind words. I'm feeling better today. :thx;
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I so understand where you are coming from. My husband just started on dialysis in October 2014. Our long range goal is to go on peritoneal dialysis. Right now he is going to hemo dialysis three days a week. Someone always takes him and then when I get off work I have to drive 30 miles to pick him up. I have a full time job also on top of taking care of my husband and the housework. Also, I am trying to help my 21 year old daughter plan a wedding. She is getting married in April 2015. When my husband gets home from dialysis, he sleeps most of the evening. I feel like I am in this relationship all by myself. Thanks for listening. I am glad that I have this group to vent to.
We caregivers need to stick together.
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Awwwww, no you are not!!!! You are a normal human being. I was a caregiver a couple of times and that is not fun at all, and when it gets to the point where all you do is eat, sleep and take care of him. For you, nothing!!! If he is well enough to work, perhaps he is well enough to understand how you feel. You must take care of yourself, because, honestly? No one else is going to. Its hard, and I know it and feel your pain, but you will be fine. All these folks have wonderful words for you.