I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: kclapham on August 27, 2013, 02:58:34 PM
-
Good Morning All,
I need help........I have been on dialysis for 18 years (I am 33). I can't have kids due to overy issues. My husband and I have wanted to adopt and have been fighting Child, Youth and Family in NZ for years. However I keep getting told I cannot adopt as I am too high risk of passing away as I have been on dialysis too long.
I am actually very healthy, work full time, volunteer with Radio Lollipop and have done high needs foster care in the past.
I am now mounting a case with our Human Right Commission to try and get the decision turned around but I need to know if anybody in my boat has been able to adopt with the female on long term dialysis with a healthy husband. This is to help me build a case to say to the department it is possible to do.
Thanks in advance for the help
Karla
-
Hello, kclapham,
because of my own kidney issues starting in 1971, when an ambulance took me to hospital
because I was in a coma with urea - due to my kidneys stopping functioning...
... and picking-up a little of my my kidney function later again... without needing any dialysis...
... and having been able to continue my studies at University and my career nevertheless...
... but having been medically advised not to have children...because of my compromised kidney function...
...and because of this compromised kidney function my future being medically looked upon as very uncertain...
... I have naturally studied this situation very closely over the past 42 years - on the Continent and in England –
and I do not recall any mother in ESRF who was lucky with her pregnancy and/or adopting/ fostering a child.
...Mind you, during all these years I have managed to survive without needing dialysis,
even to this date of writing... my “two little fighters” still function 10-12% without any dialysis...after all these years...
so, theoretically I could have easily risked to have a child - but I am very glad now that I never took such a risk...
... because such a decision would have involved other lives as well and I could not consider that as being fair...
One reason why doctor’s opinion is not favourable towards ESRF-females having children is
because doctors/nephrologists don’t come across good-luck-stories of females in ESRF...
... even if doctors are sympathetic and helpful: facts are not very favourable...
... This said, of course there are always some odd exceptions...but the rule does not give much hope to be optimistic..
...nephrologists look at this from the point, how a child can be given a chance to grow up
and go through childhood...and then they answer enquiring authorities...
... Having seem many nephrologists over the past 42 years myself and meeting many, many ESRF-females in ESRF-waiting rooms...
I have only met three females who managed to be pregnant during their ESRF (with or without dialysis/transplant) :
One of them gave birth to a mentally handicapped child (and she regrets her decision to have a child.ever since..)
... another one stayed in hospital for at least 7 month during her pregnancy and two weeks after the birth of her child
(who was born with severe heart-issues), she suffered a stroke which left her disabled in a wheelchair
and her little boy grew up as her carer (she was by now very bitter)
because her husband had left to start a new life in Australia... after he suffered a nervous breakdown himself...
... the other one developed issues with taking pain killers and became registered with doctors as a “druggy”
and this situation had a very bad influence on her little boy who had to care for his mother
(looking after her, doing her shopping, cooking and washing etc) ...
and as a result this little boy became very depressive... with no chance to be given a childhood...
Similar stories are well known to nephrologists who are often asked for their medical opinion
and many doctors regard pregnancy, adoption or fostering a child whilst in ESRF etc. as extremely selfish
because one way or another these children often suffer and end up as carers, starting already during their childhood...
... and many doctors regard such a situation as very cruel towards the children...(slave-labour comes to mind...)
... You state NOW that you are on dialysis and that you have been working and you have been very healthy for the past 18 years... that is very good for you...and I do hope you continue like this for many years to come...
... BUT how can you guarantee that you will be able to continue being healthy and working and healthy despite your ESRF
and dialysis for the next... say ...18 – 20 years?
How can you guarantee that you can give a child the chance to grow up
and have a chance to have a childhood without labouring/focussing, worrying and caring for you
during their childhood until they study at University etc?
As I have mentioned before, many authorities ask doctors/nephrologists for their opinion if an end stage kidney failure female
wants to take on/adopt/foster a child... but no doctor can guarantee that you will be able to continue like this
for years to come. whilst you are on dialysis/transplant etc.... and unfortunately that is the truth ...
I am very sorry that I have not come across and can't report any “easy-digestible” or “rose-tinted” news in this matter...
I wish you all the best and good luck from Kristina.
-
How can you guarantee that you can give a child the chance to grow up
and have a chance to have a childhood without labouring/focussing, worrying and caring for you
during their childhood until they study at University etc?
I know the question was specifically aimed at dialysis patients but with all due respect Kristina there is never any guarantee, regardless of who you are and what your health issues are when you conceive. Wouldn't a child be better off in a loving family unit with two parents who want the best for it, who will protect it and care for it than being passed from foster carer to foster carer, even if one parent needs treatment for an illness?
Karla, I'm pretty sure that I read a newspaper article about a man over here (the UK) who had a transplant and then adopted. I don't think I dreamt it. Nope, found it. It is different to your circumstances though; he was allowed to be a long-term foster-carer but not allowed to adopt until he'd had a transplant. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13888876
I know it isn't the same thing but do you have the option of being a long-term foster-carer?
I hope that things work out for you and you're able to change some points of view.
-
There are a lot of GOOD kids out there with terrible parents that need you. Especially teens that will be eternally grateful to you and love you as their mom forever. With some luck, soon you'll have little ones that will call you "grandma."
-
Good morning guys,
Thanks for the responses.
I was born in 1981 and have dialysed since 1986 with a 3 year gap for a failed transplant from 91 to 93. Nothing has stopped me doing what I have wanted so far and even if I adopted and died my husband and our families would be there to make sure any child would be cared for.
I have done foster care for high needs teens but again due to dialysis was told I could not foster anybody long term under 13. By the tine we got the kds therewas not much we could do and the damage was done and we were just a holding pen until they were allowed out of care.
I just feel my situation should be judged as me as an individual rather than me as a statistic.
-
Kristina, there are no guarantees in life. This lady is a person who is married, so there are two prospective parents involved in this. I would like to know if as a single person, adoption is possible in NZ. If this is the case, then Kclaphem, your husband may also have a strong discrimination case, because he is healthy, and is being prevented from adoption, i.e. you can look at it from two individuals' rights. If this is the case, then it may be easier for your husband to fight himself, as a healthy person, being denied to adopt.
To return to your comments, Kristina. I had my child (and given that this is my birth child, not an adopted one, which in my view should be irrelevant when it comes to parenting) when my transplant was working but it failed two years later and I have been on dialysis, ever since. My child does not suffer health issues, despite the fact that my pregnancy was high risk. Furthermore, he is not my care giver in any shape or form. so there we have the other side of the coin, a healthy child who is not a caregiver.
KClapham, I hope you can get something in your favor. It troubles me that there are children in care homes, which must be far more detrimental to their development than having a parent who has health problems, albeit serious ones. If a birth mother with health issues take care of a child, I do not see why an adoptive parent, particularly one with a healthy spouse or partner.
-
Are there different types of adoption in NZ? Here in the US there are. You can foster or adopt a child who is in the care of the state meaning the government has custody. In that case, the government may decide you are not fit due to your ESRD. Not sure, I never tried. But if you would take a kid they have decided is too hard to place it could go fast but that might not be what you want. Another way is to go through a private agency like Catholic Services. They also will determine if you are fit but they might have different criteria than the government. For ex., some agencies will only place with married couples. Then the final option is to contract with a lawyer who does private adoption services. For them, anyone can adopt but you have to sell yourself because the pregnant woman will choose who gets her baby. Unfortunately this is also the most expensive option.
You also still have the option of trying to have your own baby. It will be a high risk pregnancy automatically. Find a really good doctor and consult with him/her. Then make your own decision. Other people's results are not yours.
-
Jeannea, kclapham has already stated that she cannot have children of her own, I only mentioned my own child because I did mot particularly care for Kristina's reply that seemed to imply that a child will have health issues, and become a caregiver to a parent.
-
Hi All,
I wish I could have kids but am missing a few vital bits like overies and part of a uterus so conceiving is not an option. Plus if I could I wouldnot want to risk my child andrenal failure.
In new zealand all international and domestic options must go through child youthand family.
-
...When you resort to attacking the messenger and not the message, you have lost the debate...
-
I'm sorry. I think I got confused. Weren't there two different women on here posting about having a baby? I must have gotten them mixed up. I didn't know that all adoptions use the same agency in NZ. I would think then your best shot might be to be an advocate for change. Can you start writing to your politician(s)? I'm sorry this is so hard for you.
-
Unfortunately I have written to the politician and the prime minister and am currently trying to work with the health and disability commission to try and get some help.
-
... I need to know if anybody in my boat has been able to adopt with the female on long term dialysis with a healthy husband.
I'm just curious; would you be getting a different answer if it were your husband on long term dialysis and if it were YOU who was healthy?
-
As the female I am classed as the primary caregiver so if my husband was on dialysis yes we would be able to adopt. We asked the same question.
-
Kristina, if your comment was addressed to me, I replied because yout reply was couched in negativity and this is not always the case, and I wanted to express the opposite side of the coin. Quite honestly, I do not give a hoot regarding a doctor's consideration that having a child is selfish; that is their opinion which has no place in medicine since they are supposed to be impartial professionals, and I would have serious concerns anout a doctor who tried to foist their opinions on a patient. I don't see why that woud even factor into your decision, given your generally low opinion of doctors.