I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: heapy on August 14, 2013, 01:44:42 PM
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Anyone totally fed up of saying 'OK' when asked 'how are you doing'. It does my head in but its as lot easier than the truthful replies that I could come out with, plus I think that 'OK' is what people want to hear as its easier for them.
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What would you like to say instead?
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You are right! I always say "I'm fine". That is what they want to hear. Then they say "you look good" and I wonder if they are seeing the same thing I see when I look in the mirror. That is why it is good to come here. We know you aren't fine! Nothing about kidney disease makes you "fine"!! This is such an emotional ride to begin with, without others not making it worse. I am sorry :cuddle;
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Yes, it does get tiring. While it is easiest to say "OK", I figure people don't want to hear tales of woe either. Or, it also stinks to be told "better you than me" but I figure that is what most are thinking. Maybe I'm just being too cynical...
I find it worse when someone you feel you can trust or someone with whom you are extremely close asks "How are you doing?" You think you can be honest but two minutes later (gee, try not to make it look so obvious) they find an excuse to end the conversation. They don't understand and we don't wish these situations on them so that they would understand. That's why this place is great. :) We don't have to say we're OK and others understand.
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Haha, maybe you should consider the alternative. When I ask my husband "How are you?", I sometimes follow it with twenty more specific questions. "How is your fistula? Is the thrill ok? Have you checked it today? Are you feeling hot? Cold? You seem tired, is your energy level ok? ......"
He seems to think that's worse than the mindless "How ya doing?" question. :)
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I think it's good to find someone who, when they ask, really do want to know or they wouldn't have asked. That's how I am, and my best friend is the same way. She expects the truth when she asks me how I am. She is like rocker and will get more specific if I don't tell her what she wants to know.
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I tell them I'm not doing bad, for someone on life support.
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If you want them to stop asking, next time start telling all the gritty details. Go on and on. They'll probably leave you alone.
For me, I knew the ones who honestly wanted to know and told them more. The rest got fine or not bad.
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I usually reply "I woke up this morning and I am able to converse with you, so I am doing pretty well". Even though half the time it seems like I am in crisis mode... Nobody wants to hear how anyone really is, lol.
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I generally tell people EXACTLY what I mean. Often, after a mediocre meal at a restaurant, when the waitress comes around and asks "how was everything?", I will respond with "Merely adequate" or even, "Quite disappointing, actually". And yet, I always get the same response....
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I notice that at the store. They ask Did you find everything? I say no and they never respond. Maybe we don't have to say ok. We could say crappy or death would be welcome and the reply would still be good to hear that.
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"Haha, maybe you should consider the alternative. When I ask my husband "How are you?", I sometimes follow it with twenty more specific questions. "How is your fistula? Is the thrill ok? Have you checked it today? Are you feeling hot? Cold? You seem tired, is your energy level ok? ......"
He seems to think that's worse than the mindless "How ya doing?" question."
Rocker, I can relate with your husband because my ex-boyfriend use to do that to me. It was very annoying. He would piss me off with that because it sounded like if I was a little kid and didn't know how to take care of myself. Although, I been doing dialysis long before I met him. He meant well but didn't realize it made me so mad. Just a "how are you doing" is fine with me. Should I choose to go into details, I don't need him to coach me there. Please re-consider when you start following up the "how are you" with questions.
Also, when people ask me how I'm doing, I response with, "I'm Good!" and keep it move so they don't ask me anymore questions; however, should they continue, I respond with "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."
8)
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SO CDWBROOKLYN,----------------HOW ARE YOU???????????? : :Kit n Stik; (just funning you)
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Well, I dunno. Sometimes I think we are in danger of becoming a bit too cynical.
If someone shouts out to me "How ya doin'?" from 50 yards away, I shout back, "Fine, thanks! And you?" Truth be told, I usually expect them to shout back, "I'm fine!"
But if I walk up to someone and ask the same question, I'm hoping they'll tell me. The guy who lives to my left recently lost both his dog and his mom to long illnesses, so I really do want to know how he's faring. The guy to my right was unemployed for a fairly long time but got a janitor's job not long ago (he's very underemployed). I think he may suffer from some depression, so when I ask him how he's doing, again, I want to know. And when he is in the mood, he will tell me.
I'd told these neighbors about my kidneys (I'm not shy), and they got together and gave me a card when I got home after my surgery. I don't know any of their last names, and I don't think they know mine, but it just goes to show that there ARE people out there who are interested and are grateful when you ask after them.
Another neighbor, when I asked him how he was doing, told me that his company wanted to relocate his department across the nation, and he didn't want to move. So he lost his job and was unemployed for over a year. We talked a long time about how it feels to have such a sudden and scary life-changing event darken your days. He knew about my CKD, so we had some stuff in common...scary stuff. Every time we'd see each other, we'd talk about how we were doing. A few weeks ago, I was doing some gardening and he walked over and told me that he'd been offered a job with his previous employer, and we both reflected on how our luck had changed. This particular neighbor is a very keen DIY sort of guy, and he asked me if I'd like him to come by and help me trim one of my trees. I said "Oh yes, please!" and asked what I could do to thank him. He said that he was so grateful for all the times I had asked him how he was doing that this was his way of thanking me. So just a few days ago, he came over and we spent a couple of hours trimming that damn tree. I told him I'd make him some real Texas chili come the autumn, not any of that Yankee crap. LOL!
Anyway, I guess my point is that if you show a genuine interest in other people, there is a better chance that those people might really want to know how you are doing. However, most people are self-absorbed, many with good reason. You never know what horrors others are experiencing on this day.
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I agree with both of your posts above, noahvale.
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Posted by: obsidianom
« on: August 15, 2013, 01:29:09 PM » Insert Quote
SO CDWBROOKLYN,----------------HOW ARE YOU??? : (just funning you)
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LOL.....I'm Good! Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies :Kit n Stik;
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MooseMom, that sounds good but I'm a New Yorker and most of the time people are trying to be nosy. Now it's different if they speak to me on a regular basis but they since to ask me this questions out of the blue as if I should not be doing well. It's sad but some people in my family do it as well. Should I start to talk about my true feelings, it will run them away. The only person that ask me how I'm doing and is really concern is my daughter. If she sees me looking down, she is concern and will try to encourage me to hang in there. Now if it someone else, he or she is just being nosy and could careless if I doing well or not. I'm just a phone call away so if that person really wants to know how I'm doing, pick up the phone and call me. Don't wait until you see me weeks, months, or years later to ask how I'm doing. Really??!!!. :Kit n Stik;
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cdwbrooklyn, do you know anyone who has a major health concern? If so, do you make a point of asking them how they are doing?
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Sure, quite a few people that are close to me but they are not the ones to complain about what's going on with their health as well as myself. If they want to talk about it, I'm here to listen and encourage them to hang in there same as me. However, we do not believe in pity parties so constantly asking someone how you are doing to see about their health situation is not a part of my world. If I ask someone how they are doing is because I want to know how they are doing all around and hoping to hear good stories about their life not how bad their health is and how they hate their situation, etc.... Sorry, this is not meant for anyone here, so please don't take it personal this is just about the world I live in. It may seems a little cold but that's where I'm from ??? ::)
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It is easier to say "OK" than to tell the truth. BUT I get frustrated when I am expected to listen to someone complain about their little aches and pains and then totally tune me out! Unfortunately, many of my "friends" do that to me. >:(
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Especially during my long bout with Lyme disease I would sometimes answer the "how are you doing?" question with a return question, "Do you want the polite answer or the honest one?" Like renal failure, there are often no outward signs in Lyme that anything is amiss.
:rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
Aleta
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I almost always say I'm doing good when asked. Usually, no one asks anything more, and the conversation moves to something else. A few weeks ago, I was at a family bridal shower and some of the relatives who I hadn't seen in a while asked me the "how are you doing" question. I gave them my standard "doing great" answer. Before they could move to a new topic, my hubby's 89 year old Grandma says "of course she's not doing great. Look at her arm. She just had her kidneys removed. What is the matter with you people?" I almost died laughing. The askers were not so amused. I told my husband later that I always wondered at what age you can say whatever you want and people can't hold it against you, and I got my answer that day....89! I am lucky that I do have people who ask and really want to know. Sometimes I just don't feel like going into it, other times I vent. Guess you have to learn to know who asks to be polite and who asks because they want a real answer. I have found I open up more to people I don't know. Sometimes venting to a stranger can be good for you. Hang in there!
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It is easier to say "OK" than to tell the truth. BUT I get frustrated when I am expected to listen to someone complain about their little aches and pains and then totally tune me out! Unfortunately, many of my "friends" do that to me. >:(
I cannot agree with you more. I've been feeling peeved about this lately. For almost 2 years, daily, for hundreds of hours, I've had to listen to trivial social drama from someone I considered close. At the end, they'll ask, "How are you doing?" I've learned to just say "fine" because on those days when I feel like I've lost the war, once I begin to open up, they cut me short. Or, I'm told the all-star line "Just be happy you're alive." ::) Yes, I'm happy about that... but geez, some days are worse than others! Or, how can I forget, the random texts because "You're sick, I know you're not doing anything, so you're always there for me!" :clap;
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Or, how can I forget, the random texts because "You're sick, I know you're not doing anything, so you're always there for me!" :clap;
That one would probably cause a not so nice tongue lashing to be given out if it was sent to me. Yeah, I'm sick, it doesn't mean I don't have a life.
I noticed lately that my friend, Kelly, has been rather quiet, and she's stopped doing some of the things that I know she loves to do, like her acting classes. Tonight, I asked her how she was doing, and she gave the standard "ok" that we are all used to giving. I wasn't taking that, though. I know better. I pressed it, and finally she told me how she was really feeling, that her own ailments are wearing her down, but she finds it hard to rest. I ask her a lot of questions, but it's only so that I can understand what she goes through. It's not like she hasn't done the same to me over the years. She's even come to dialysis with me when I visit her. I wonder if she'd let me go to chemo with her
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I found out the hard way that when your dialysis nurse asks you how you are doing you need to keep your answers short, to the point, and mostly positive, that is unless you have a real concern about something being wrong. I recently got a hold of my medical records and EVERYTHING I ever said was written down, and mostly in a negative light of me. As a kidney patient trying to get a transplant this isn't good. For example, a lot of what I said was twisted and taken out of context. If they asked how I was doing and I told them I wasn't feeling too well they would write down that I was depressed. Or if I told them I was having a bad side effect from a medication they would suggest I wasn't complying in taking my meds. Several of my nurses did this. There was only one at my clinic that was fair and would really take the time to address my concerns and help me find solutions. I mean what good does it do to ask a patient, "How's your sleeping?" I say, "It's been getting worse, I have bad insomnia to the point it's interfering with my life. I haven't slept in days." And she just notes it in my chart month after month without making any suggestions or offering up help in talking to my doctors about a sleep aid. Or another one, "Are you having any chest pain or shortness of breath?" I say, "Actually I am. I can't walk up a small set of stairs without getting extremely winded. I've been very short of breath lately." Nurse makes a note and moves on to asking me how my bowel movements are. What's the point of asking me then? And isn't that kind of serious and should be followed up with more questions or maybe an exam? Is her job just to take notes or is she s nurse?!?!?
Sorry to rant but this is just infuriating. Can you just do your job? Peoples' lives and well-being are at stake. Why ask the questions if you aren't going to do anything about a patient complaint? It baffles me.
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Interesting Battlescars, I guess I need to be a bit more careful in what I say too. Grumpy
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I just tell people I am still this side of the dirt. But, then, I live in a senior citizen mobile home park, so they are more understanding.