I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: boswife on January 22, 2013, 09:11:02 AM
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:'( WHat the heck... I 'feel' that im pretty stableish these days and even on the happy end of things.. We're exercising more than ever, and going places fun to walk..... ie..beaches, parks etc.. but yet i cry a pretty deep cry over things and not seeming to 'get over' things i need to get on with. And then again,,,, laughter is causing tears as well... I kinda feel like im just at a weekend state from the roller coaster ride we all are on, and though on the high end of it, it makes it all that more scary for the possible drop :( Geesh, why cant i just be happy while things are at least O.K.
Sorry, just feal that if i 'get it out' i'll feel bad about it and shake it off... well' see ;D
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I don't have any deep words of wisdom. :cuddle;
But I hope that getting it out helps.
Aleta
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Boswife, sometimes I think the one thing that we all should do is to just show ourselves some mercy. :cuddle;
We should stop telling ourselves what we "should" feel. Give yourself the right to feel whatever it is you feel. I've always seen crying jags as bursing a boil; you have to lance that boil before it can heal.
Sometimes when we have been under constant stress, when that stress abates just a bit, there is space there for the crying to begin. When you are on high alert every day, you can't afford the effort and energy it takes to cry. So when you get the chance to step down to just "sort of alert", sometimes relief takes the form of crying, and you suddenly have time for doubt and "what ifs".
Like Aleta says, hopefully posting about your feelings will help you find some kind of equilibrium. I'm glad to hear that you are "pretty stablish"! LOL!
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no words of wisdom from me either. all i can think of is something my mother would say while i was growing up. i can't believe i'm "uttering" these words. "it will all work out for the best" {sheesh}
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It's all that exercise ! Seriously though I hope you are feeling more like yourself soon . You are right the life of a carer is a roller coaster and maybe because you are at the high part you have more time to dwell on things . Just enjoy the view while you are up there !
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I always enjoy what Brenda Seal has to say. She has been thru a lot and can identify with her more than anyone. It is a roller coaster being a caregiver to a dialysis patient. Usually there is heart damage and strokes and diabetes before the dialysis begins, in my case all of that and brain damage. I long just for one night of sleep uninteruppted and no verbal abuse and him being able just to get his own drink or clean his own false teeth or even just put his own pants on and to go one day without verbal abuse. I like what moosemom said, we are on high alert at all times so when things go right, we look back and take a breath and believe me its like post traumatic shock when we realize we got thru the nightmare. We reboot with emotion because in the time of crisis there is no time to be emotional, we must be strong and hold up for hours of work and unrest are ahead of us. My day never ends. Enjoy the good times and cry when you feel like crying and dont feel guilty. Pat yourself on the back. I love this website because no one judges me. The outside world judges me everyday. Everyone tells me how I do it wrong and what I should do. I say, "Walk in my moccassins one day and then see it you would do things differently."
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I know exactly what you are feeling. I read about Johnswife, and know that that could be me someday. I fear that day, BW. I know I shouldnt be afraid, but the reality is, IAM. I dont want to lose him. We are so much a part of one another yet we are sooo opposite in our ways. The Love is so unconditional, that without it, we are fragile.
I can't imagine my life without him. I get angry with God, and I question why him, why God why?
I don't have the answers, but to just hold on to every moment you have. Let him know you love him and how much you appreciate his being a part of your life. How protective you feel or felt in his arms. How you feel "on top of the world" when you are with him. How you have sometimes questioned his sanity when he choose YOU! Lol ( Humor, got to have humor!) You get my drift.....
Yea, I understand BW. I would say that I hope to go before he does, but then who would take care of my LOVE? I don't want anybody taking care of him but me. He is mine, ordained by God. Nobody will separate us but death. We never know what lies ahead, but we take it with strides. Living, Loving along the way until it ends.
God has his hands on you both. He will see you through ALL things! Yes, even death!
Sit back and marvel at the life you & Bo have together. Make him feel very loved & appreciated. They deserve it!
God Bless you BW. Your a fantastic person. So loving & giving, and very kind towards us all.
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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thanks friends :flower; your all amazing and right in all you say. I know that 'vulnerability' happens when more 'at ease' not during the strife cause we're too needed to let ourselves get carried away with too much emotions at that time. It's so hard sometimes, and so fearful (yes Imuch,,, i too know i shouldnt be but danged if my heart and head go crazy with fears sometimes... heck, been with this character since i was 17 and now over 60.... its , well, you know, a big bunch of heart put into this man ;)) I thank you people for understanding and giving me foodfuel for the heart. :)
Something good, I Walked a lovely beach with my dogs (and bo ;D ) today and while he only walked part, he was happy to sit in a chair a while whilst i walked on with the dogs a bit. It's a great huge park, surrounded by the beach/bay where people can walk off leash with their dogs and it's so lovely. Brings great peace to me ;) hummmmmmmm, dont think i even cried out there.. :) .. Just prayers of thanks for this time we do have.
Thanks again... your such giving people and im so glad I found my way here...
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Whatever you can do to have some peace in your heart and calm the anxieties, then, that is what you do. I was caretaker to my late husband, not only once, but twice. The first time he went into remission, the second time he didn't. Even tho I am now happily married, I would just love, love, love to have 5 more minutes with him. Even tho the drugs and the illness did a crazy number on him, even tho i went 6 months with out one peaceful night of sleep, even tho I had no life, still, I would do it all again, so, I know what you are going thru and I know how you feel and please know that you are doing a wonderful job. You have been married for such a long time and he is so much a large part of your life, but you will survive this and you will be strong at the end and you will continue on. That is because you are one hell of a strong woman. God Bless.
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You are doing an amazing job. just give some space to your needs too.
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I have nothing constructive to add to the wise words above me, but just want to send you oddles of *huggles*.
:grouphug;
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:cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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thanks for someore huggles and :cuddle; 's ;D I tell ya they sure are needed these days. Im so worrysome when he's not feeling well and only youguys would know where im commen from. Thanks :grouphug;
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Bosewife, I read some where last week that carers, (you are going to laugh at this) are likened to: appliances, we get the job done. How very true. I think all carers are living on a knifes edge. One slip and wow. I really am with you on how you feel, like most of us. I am happy at the moment, my husband has had two good days, to me that is wonderful. I started to keep a chart, red for good days, black for bad, there are more bad than good. Thinking of you.
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:waving; :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
The beach makes me feel very calm.
I told Jenna, when I am old, drop me off at the beach. I will be happy. :)
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I am really sorry about how my post looks, what did I do to the font. Malfunction, Malfunction!
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:cuddle; :cuddle; and some :flower; :flower; :flower; to brighten your day. I have a lot of the same fears!!
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As caregivers I think it would be SO abnormal if we did not have those worries and fears. It's wonderful that we have each other to lean on when they get too big and too close.
:grouphug;