I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: gothiclovemonkey on May 18, 2012, 08:50:32 AM
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:urcrazy;
Im losing my mind today, realizing IM FREAKIN MOVING IN WITH MY BF THIS WEEKEND! AHHHH ahem... sorry!
Im scared to death! This is really happening! I keep asking if hes sure, because I know some days i am pretty well worthless!
Luckily im starting PD, so hopefully my worthless days will be less and less! (hd makes me really ill)
He assures me he will help me with things if i need it, but im still freaking out. what if he cant handle it? what if he changes his mind????
I realized that I only cook a handful of things, and im not Joan Cleaver (even though i want to be) How am I going to do this??????? why the hell would anyone want to be with me?
Ive had my fathers assistance with my son and myself, now ill be over an hour away from him!
Im so overwhelmed I might throw up
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Goth, calm down. We all have these thoughts even when we are well. It will take time to get use to living with some one 24/7. it is good that he knows what is involved with your dialysis, he knows what he is getting into. Do you love him? The cooking is just cooking, get a book, as long as you eat does it matter. We woman are not born cooks, we have to learn, so learn, it will take your mind off things. If it turns out wrong, what the hell. Think of all the things you can do to-gether, does your son get on well with him? So deep breaths and go for it, enjoy it.
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Change is so hard! Even change we want and choose. Here are some suggestions from a none naturally domestic wife and mother.
Google simple crock pot recipes. I put many a meal on the table that taste great, are relatively healthy, and really just required my dumping a bunch of stuff in the crock pot earlier in the day and then boiling some noodles or rice to throw the crock pot concoction over. And never underestimate the grill. Get boyfriend to man the grill at least a couple of nights a week. Then all you need to do is throw a few vegetable together. We love those steamers that you just microwave. Another good site to google is recipes using Campbell's soup. Usually quick, simple and tasty! My kind of cooking. I have a great and simple meat loaf recipe if you want it. And always make too much so every third night or so can be a "clean out the fridge" night where everyone picks their fav left over. I love those nights!
Assign simple cleaning jobs right up front for all three of you. Make a list of what needs to be done and let boyfriend, son and you pick what you're willing to do. You may end up doing more than your share but at least there is a visual reminder of all that needs to get done in the house each week. It helped my son realize that his few chores are not much in the scheme of running a household...
And, most importantly, breathe, just breathe. All you really need to think about is the next step. Love and laughter and understanding will get you through a lot of bad times.
I have no idea why my husband loves me so much and has been so patient with me. When we married 22 years ago I was healthy and worked and brought in a good salary and had energy to spare. He didn't sign up for this, but we are in this together. You and your boyfriend are the same, you're in it together! Try to enjoy the parts that you can! Wishing you the best!
Diane
:flower; :flower; :flower;
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:)
Thank you
yes, I do love him. Ive never felt this way about anyone before. I can actually see me growing old with this man. Hes amazing. I love everything about him, even the stuff that would typically make me not interested in a guy, i even love that... what the heck is wrong with me?! rofl this love stuff is dangerous!!!! Hes sooo supportive and seems to be really understanding.
I have been looking up recipes all morning lol i realized i do actually make alot more than i originally remembered, so thats good lol
im going to have 2 picky eaters though, my son and my bf bth are picky! thats going to make it interesting. Jareth will be easier, because i can make his food fun, and that helps.
i love the idea of writing out what needs to be done and dividing some of it.
im just so... insane right now, worrying about everything! So many changes at once, im spinning around!
i love the crock pot! its a life saver. the dude who invented it... id kiss him. im pretty fond of the foreman too, makes a nice grilled chicken!
Looking at recipes online is hard to do, and its making me hungry lol
maybe everything will stop spinning soon!
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GLM, you know I love you and want you to be the happiest girl on the planet, so I'm going to ask you to think long and hard about some things, OK?
There have been so many posts on IHD lately from married, female D people who are finding themselves overwhelmed with household chores that their menfolk don't help with. There seems to STILL be this unspoken assumption that if men help around the house, they are doing you some sort of saintly favor. Too many of them STILL think that housekeeping is "women's work", and you know what they say about a woman's work...it's never done.
Is your BF really going to be your equal partner in all things domestic, or is he going to be just one more creature you have to clean up after? Is he going to reduce your workload or add to it?
So, he's going to help you "if you need it"? What's up with that? Will you be comfortable telling him that you need him to cook dinner tonight, or do you suspect that you might be afraid you'll come off as sounding like a nag? He shouldn't wait around to help "if you need it"...he just just jump right in and start doing stuff himself, you know? Would he think to throw in a load of laundry without you reminding him?
Who knows...he may be a clandestine Martha Stewart! But living together is a whole new ballgame. Love and romance can go right down the toilet if said toilet is clogged and he can't be bothered to fix it. LOL!
Be happy! I am sure things will be just fine. If these are things you worry about, talk to him about it.
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MooseMom, you have just spoken some very wise words there! Thank you for doing that! I am single, live alone, and find myself thankful for that after reading those posts! My sister has been married now for 13 years. Both she and her husband work FT, no kids, and they both share the chores of the household. When one cooks, the other does the dishes, for example. They both work out in the yard. I don't know how else they divy up chores, but I know that they *share* it! They are both in their early to mid 40's. Neither one has health issues.
My Dad was never one to just sit around the house, either. He enjoys working out in the yard, always took care of the garbage and other repair stuff around the house, washes the cars, cooked, and yes, even cleaned. Oh, and he takes care of the pet stuff, too, including the litter boxes! The only time he didnt do anything was last year, when he was going through cancer treatment. For that, he got a pass.
So what is it with these able-bodied men who sit back as their wives/gfs on D do all the work? Or, if he is the one on D, he sits back and uses D as an excuse as to why he gets to do nothing? When I was on D, I worked FT, took care of my home, and *still* went out and enjoyed life! Although, I do recognize that D did not kick my a$$, either. I was lucky in that regard.
Okay, just had to add my 2 cents, and GLM, take MM's wise words to heart! Unless he's worked a long, hard day, there is NO excuse for BF to not pull his own weight around the house! The same would be expected if you were healthy and had tons of energy!
KarenInWA
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Okay, I have to chime in here. I would not make any huge changes (like moving an hour away from my support) until I was on PD for a few months to see how that goes. Has your bf see you with a tube hanging out (down there)?? It's not pretty, but it is your lifeline.
If you are anxious about this then stop. You can move in with him in a few months if all is well. Or maybe he should marry you. That's a novel idea.
Just my advice. :)
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He has seen my tube, ive had it for about a month now, he says it doesnt bother him (although i think hes scared hes going to hurt me) and hes went to apppointments with me to see what im doing.
Hes mentioned marriage a few times... but i cant tell if hes serious or joking...
As a child growing up, my mother was sick, so my father worked and did most of the cooking and cleaning, and i was a brat, so i learned very little LOL I have the most awwesome dad ever btw.
As an adult, i have lived with other guys, for one..my sons father, and for lack of a nicer word to describe him, was a total loser. He didnt work, he didnt cook, or clean, or do anything really but play video games. I worked, went to school, and cooked and cleaned, and was pregnant. Back before i was diagnosed. I was always sick, and felt like crap, but chocked it up to depression. (abusive relationship...) And I did everything. I didnt mind it that way, i felt ... needed? It took a lot to realize this was not a good relationship, i didnt deserve to be hurt, and that it wouldnt be good for our child. so i left. after 3 and a half years of his crap.
Now, im in a relationship with this wonderful guy who seems to be very understanding, and when i mentioned my concerns he said he would be by my side always. I feel like its my "place" to do all of the house work, and things like that, because he works. He works hard. He works for the city, odd hours. I want to be able to do all of it, but i just dont think its possible. If pd goes well, then perhaps, but on hemo, its definitely not. I never feel well on D days.
I dont really fear that things will get done. He seems responsible, and he hates clutter, but i dont want him to have to do it... And i dont want him to resent? me or something for not being able to do everything. He works so hard, its really not fair to him.
I do worry that he will be another "child" to clean up and cook for... I have been there before, and that is not fun, even when your healthy. but he seems to be more responsible that that.
We have already discussed some serious issues, and even been through quite a bit together, and he is such a rock. I dont think i could be luckier in that aspect. He assures me that things will be fine. He even contacted his aunt who lives nearby, asking her to take jareth if there is a time im unwell. or if treatments ran over (how sweet is that?)
im probably worried for nothing, but i really want this to be as good as it can be. for all of us.
I know its going to be an adjustment, especially for my son and him. Mostly the bf... hes never had a kid, and jareth can be a handful, but they seem to really like each other. Jareth is very excited to be moving. He wants to go right now!
We both have to get used to my bfs joking around. Hes very sarcastic and likes to kid around, sometimes its very hard to tell hes joking.
I dont feel like im good enough for him. i dont deserve him.
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btw hes been married before, but *I* am terrified of marriage. Its so... permanent... in my mind. I dont want to marry more than once.
That being said, I would say yes to him. Long engagement though LOL
I worry that im not pretty enough, ive gained back alot of the weight i had lost, my hair fell out, i now have that "sexy" cath in my belly, none of my 'cute' clothes fit me, and yesterday was my first shower in what seemed like AGES due to the cath placement. (i 'spit' ,or whatever its called,, bathed but that never feels like enough!)
when i told him that, he said he is shallow and wouldnt date me if he didnt find me beautiful LOL
maybe im just scared because its so much change at once... maybe im just being stupid. hes nothing like the losers ive dated before, so i probably shouldnt have fears that he will end up being one.
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GLM, it's hard to know how any relationship will work out in the long run. Even the short run is a bit of a mystery but that early mystery can be very intoxicating and make everything seem like it will all work out. You've had some great advice here already and I'll add to it if I may.
1) You need to first of all be "enough" for yourself, in your own eyes, see your own beauty, or cuteness, or personality or qualities or whatever it is that you doubt. This is much more important than your bf seeing these things in you. If you believe the good things about yourself others will be convinced also simply by how you present yourself in the world. You need to be whole and really discover and trust in your your worthiness...if you don't feel worthy you will likely sabotage yourself and a need for constant reassurance gets old after a while. If you don't feel adequate no one will ever be able to convince you you are. This is YOUR issue and yours alone. "Flaws" or imperfections that can't be changed just make you human and the trick there is to accept those and get back to changing the things in your life that you can.
2) Please, please, please do not try to twist yourself into a pretzel to please your bf. You have a history of this in your family already. Doing nice things for others is nice and both people in a relationship ought to be aiming to give 70% (not 50%) to the other. The minute that you find that you're the one doing all the pleasing is the time to know that you've become a doormat. You will discover lots of differences between you and your bf once you start living together but please don't sweep how you feel about things under the carpet in the hope that there will be fewer differences. Once you do that you might then be a doormat with tons of dust and debris underneath it.
3) Running a household together is not dating, nor is it playing house. It's a partnership in which labour and chores need to be divided, not necessarily equally, but divided nonetheless and as has often been said, the best aphrodisiac or part of foreplay can be a partner who eases the day by contributing just a little bit more. One rule in my house is that whoever cooks doesn't wash dishes after dinner. Easy peasy....doing dishes is not hard labour in the salt mine.
BTW...kids need to contribute also to the chores of the household, it's the cost of living there. Everybody contributes in some way depending on capability, time availability etc. When someone is sick the others need to step up and take on some extra duties. Just like at work.
Most important thing here I believe is that many men get away with pretending to be incompetent at household chores and then they practice their incompetence endlessly and women who want to please or feel needed or feel superior or suffer from female guilt, reinforce this nutty scenario in which men become babies and women burn out or feel resentment. Anybody can do laundry in 2012. Those machines are amazing. Same with cooking. Some like it more than others so fair enough that may be who does it most but everyone ought to be able to feed a couple of people something edible and nutritious when required.
4) Final point. People don't "deserve" each other. We're back to point one which is at the root of your insecurities so a good place to end with as well as start with. Does he "deserve" you? I don't even understand this as a concept. I think you mean that you don't feel worthy of him, but in all relationships each person ought to continually be striving to be the best partner they can be for the other. Will he live up to what you want or need? Will you do the same for him? Being worthy depends on our actions, we make ourselves so by what we do not simply by breathing an taking up space.
5) Sorry, another final point. Remember that you are your son's parent. He is not. You decide on rules and set them, he can back you up but you are in charge of discipline and values and what you want for your son. You come from a history of people taking over in this area and your son needs to know that you are in charge because you will always be his parent...your bf needs to earn credibility with your son and that takes time. He needs to see his mother as competent and confident and when you believe you are those things Jareth will accept that too.
Wishing all the best Jennifer. :grouphug;
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I do need to work on my insecurities, ive always struggled with that. Id like to blame most of it on illness... but i know i cant. Even when I tried to be wonder woman i felt flawed. I just miss the old me. Its been 5 years now, you would think that I could accept this new life by now, but I still miss being the woman who worked 2 jobs, went to college, took care of her son by herself... whered she go?
I think that I can be cute, but it is alot of work, and im never cute on D days LOL i know im nice, and semi intelligent, too, so its not like im completely useless, just dont feel like im as good as i should be. years of being told that im ugly, stupid, useless...by multiple people, hard to see myself any other way.
I personally do believe a relationship is 100% from both partners, they arent easy, and they are something you really have to work for. Im not playing house, my heart is already married to that man, just not on paper. And, what do they say, nothing 'worth it' is easy. or something like that :)
I know for fact how easy it is to feel resentment when the other partner is a childlike leech. they drain you quick and theres no coming back from it.
Im starting to realize one thing, the reason this scares me so much. Ive never dated anyone who was like him. I actually WANT to please him in every way possible. I WANT to 'be all i can be' and more for him. Ive never loved a man the way that I love him. In fact, ive never truly loved a man before him. not the romantic kind of love., anyway. I think thats what scares me, the most.
Jareth already had chores before we moved into my dads, i told him hes got to be my big helper and keep his room clean, and help me when i need it. Also, he will have other tasks assigned to him too. Hes already asked if he could be the feeder of rats, and vaccuum and sweep. I said YES! (of course, ill end up having to do it after, hes not that good at it yet, but sweet of him to offer!!!) And my bf has already offered to do laundry, until we get a washer and dryer at home. Since almost anything i lift causes my fistula to bleed now. even my purse lol (they said its being stuck too much in the same spot, so the new clinic was poking new spots, hopefully it will stop doing that now!)
as far as deserving, I think what I mean, I feel like I cant be everything he deserves. In my head, a man who can look past my huge bald spot, my growing belly, my illnesses, weaknesses, and all that, and still touch my cheek the way he does, look at me the way he does, works very hard 5 days a week, different hours, missing sleep just to see me when he can, to drive over an hr away to see me when he could easily sleep instead.... deserves a miss america/joan cleaver combo. i feeel guilty for that.
Ive already pointed that out, that he is my son, and im his mommy. He agrees, but one thing he is working on WITH me is being stronger. Jareth tends to disrespect me right now, and if i say something and he doesnt listen, pj will say, "listen to your mother." , "Did you hear your mom" or something like that. I told him from the begining that Jareth is number ONE in my life, and if he couldnt handle that, this wont work.
As far as being a doormat, its my natural position in life, but pjs trying to help me there too... its almost... weird to me that he would want me to have a voice lol
He took me to karoke this weekend, to try to break my shell. it was so much fun!
He told me he wants me to make the decisions sometimes, he wants me to be more in charge. (maybe THATS whats scaring me??) Ive never been in charge except when it was JUST jareth and i.
Thank you all for your words, I agree. Im just scared!
You Women are amazing creatures... I love you all!
side note: I found A LOT of really cute fun lunch ideas for Jareth during my recipe search, and i cant wait to make some of it! (Octopuss hotdog?! HOW FUN IS THAT???)
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If life is better with him than without him, if he's good to your son, if you respect him and can laugh with him - then it will all work out.
I wish you all the best! You are a great girl and he's lucky to have you!
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Look up Atticus9799 on youtube for a ton of great cooking advice and recipes and how-to's. You watch her cook and then do it yourself. Much better then just a recipe.
BTW - YOU are worth his love and attention. Your illness isn't you. He obviously thinks you are worth it, and you are.
I wish you much happiness.
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Thank you!
Ill check those out!
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glm, Everything that Gail said ( that woman is amazing) plus. ALLRECIPES.COM. That is my best advice. Second, God bless, I hope it all works out for you and you can be happy.
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... as far as deserving, I think what I mean, I feel like I cant be everything he deserves. In my head, a man who can look past my huge bald spot, my growing belly, my illnesses, weaknesses, and all that, and still touch my cheek the way he does, look at me the way he does, works very hard 5 days a week, different hours, missing sleep just to see me when he can, to drive over an hr away to see me when he could easily sleep instead.... deserves a miss america/joan cleaver combo. i feeel guilty for that.
But you are his Miss America; that's why he wants to start this life together with both you and Jareth, so less of the guilt Monkey! And do you really aspire to be his Joan Cleaver? I had no idea who she was so had to look her up ... (Although, I do understand what you mean!) ;D
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yes, im a lil old fashioned i guess. Lucile Ball, Joan Cleaver. Wearing the pretty dresses, greeting the hubs at the door after a long day at work, cooking him a wonderful meal.making a house a home... ahhhh a thing of beauty.
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Monrein, if only I had read your post 26 years ago before my first marriage. Great words of wisdom.
:clap;
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Hey, it's pretty freaky for anyone to move in with somebody. You have a few added complications.
When I moved in with my husband, I was a bit of a leech. I was looking for a teaching job, subbing, not pulling in enough for half of my bills, and I cried and said, "this won't work, I have to move to my mom's," etc. My husband (boyfriend) said he'd find a better job and while I job searched, he'd take care of stuff, and he did! I felt like a loser, I was used to working 50 hours and going to schools but had to quit two of my jobs for student teaching. Plus I was getting sick a lot and slowing down. Later, I got a good job that paid better than his, and took over more financial responsibilities. If he lost his job, I'd try to rustle up extra cash and try to help him find work just like he helped me.
I wasn't a loser, simply wasn't making much money. It happens.
It's give and take, you're not always on top, and not always down, either. Just help each other as best as you can. It is important to be in charge with your kid too, like someone else said. He has to see you confident, making good decisions. Otherwise it'll get rough when he's bigger. My brother was like that, and mom couldn't get back on track.
As for your appearance--if he loves you, then you not looking club ready won't make him not love you. He at most is probably just distressed that the woman he loves isn't feeling well and has these medical problems that he wishes he could fix. Even models with no PD tubes are insecure. Don't waste energy on it. Just clean up and do what you need to feel as normal and comfortable in your own skin. Get cute hats or stylish headband scarves if it makes you feel better.
I have a bag of pee and one of poo hanging off of my abdomen, and my husband still attacks me when I'm trying hop in the shower, so don't stress. I know how ugly that sort of thing makes you feel, it takes getting used to, but you need it to live and he's not in it for your belly, if you catch my drift.
Besides, if he's so great how could you think he'd hold the physical stuff of your illness against you? Give him more credit! Men aren't as bad as we make them out to be. They're window shoppers but that doesn't mean that they aren't happy at home.
I hope everything goes smoothly. The best thing I ever bought was an old Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, used, for like, $2. It has helpful hints, a glossary, measurement info. and substitutions...the only thing missing is pictures.
I did not know how to cook much when I met my husband, but I got into Top Chef and wanted to learn. I was amazed how simple it was. I started on soups. They're easy to fix, and you can control the sodium if you make your own. Your son can help fix dinner, too, and be your sous chef (well he can fetch ingredients and utensils).. You'll feed him and teach him a skill at the same time! But I agree, do what your can around the house, but get your rest. I hope getting away from your stepmom lowers the stress level and helps you feel more energetic. Can't hurt, right?
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You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you , You are special and there is a lot to love about you .
When I met Laurie I was 17 - could not cook , do laundry or clean . I thought I would give him breakfast in bed on our first morning together - boiled eggs and toast fingers ! How hard can that be ? Got out my brand new saucepan , put in two eggs and firmly placed on the matching lid and put it on the stove . Didn'tknow you had to put water in - spent the rest of the day scrubbing egg yolk off the ceiling !
My first attempt at laundry was just as disastrous - Laurie was a butcher and in those days wore those thick white wrap around butcher's coats and thick dark blue and white striped aprons . His Mum told me I had to soak them in the tub to get all the blood and gunk off , only trouble was she didn't tell me you had to soak the coats separate from the aprons as the colour runs out of the aprons . Ended up with nice blue coats ! He had to take them to his Mum to rescue as he was very fussy about his coats and aprons . Oh I could tell you a lot more I messed up but 43 years and four kids later we are still here and giggling over the stupid stuff .
Cooking and cleaning is not what will keep you together but love and respect for each other will . Relax , enjoy yourself and above all else learn to love yourself - faults and all . Good luck .
Brenda
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Wow Glm can't give anymore advice etc, than what is already given above, if it feels right to do, it will be right.
lots of love, and luck Cas
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You guys are awsome!
I think I was just hacving a panic attack and a down day because things are going fairly well...
Well, ok, So i burned FISH of all things to burn in that house (ewww the smell!)
and at first i was pretty darn upset about it( i know, a stupid thing to be upset over) but my bf made me laugh, and assured me there are far worse things that burned fishes. :) He really is a great guy!
Im so used to jerks being in my life that this is all so wonderful and new to me.
Im pretty positive everything is going to be ok, i just have alot to learn! And, admittedly, so does he. This is a huge adjustment for all of us, but i think we are all taking it very well. Especially my son! Hes really enjoying it, even with the new rules... i was a bit shocked at how well hes taken to the rules. hes a good boy.
Last night we decided to come back to my dads, due to the fact our heater wont shut off. And of course its a holiday weekend! Bad timing for that to happen!!
My bf said it would be best, since i dont do so well in the heat. Hes already texted and called a few times because he misses us lol
Im slowly feeling better about the cath hanging there, i think the worst part is not fitting in my usual clothing. I cant really afford to go buy clothes that properly fit that arent hideous. lol I told my boyfrind this, and he said when i get paid he wants me to go get a couple of things, and hed worry about bills.
i guess i freaked out for nothing? Im still a little freaked about it though!
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Oh Good Lord, what Can go wrong WILL... let me just say that!
This may have been all for nothing... I hate to say that but its unfortunately a possibility.
I cant see myself being with someeone who isnt willing to compromise... and it seems to be the case here...
If your interested in why im saying this:
I have a son, who is my life, and number ONE in it. I have health issues (duh) and now im doing PD, well, we got this house we are renting, and it is not the best... At first glance, its a humble home, but now the heater is stuck on, i call the landlady and shes in no rush to fix it, a fuse blew the week we moved in and i noticed the electrical work is iffy, and it looks rigged, like badly. I dont think its safe. A total fire hazzard. Also, its a tiny place, and doesnt seem to meet my needs with pd, its old, im not so sure there isnt mold too...
I mentioned my concerns to my bf, admittedly, it was thru text messaging, but he was at his families, and one of them texted and told me that he said he refuses to move... he told me that he doesnt want to move because he loves the house...
i dont know how to feel about this...
im at my dads until that stupid heater is fixed, so im trying to stay level headed, but deep down im hurt and kind of pissed off about this...
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Don't form any impressions or opinions unless and until you've spoken to you bf about the house. Relying on a text message sent by a third party is unwise. :cuddle;
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MM, right you are, as always...
I made the mistake of texting him about it, and OF COURSE that went terribly, due to comminucation error.... We had two misunderstanding, first one was from me, i simply asked if we could seek our options either get it fixed or move and he thought i was saying 'im moving' (still dont see how he got that from seeking out our options...but ok.) and then by the end, i thought he broke up with me... turns out he just worded what he meant very, very poorly!
Its probably good, we finally had our first fight! (who in the heck would be happy about that, but me? lol) Im glad thats out of the way though.
He still pretty stubborn about it, he does not want to move, but really who does?
Finally I said maybe im being nuts, ill just hire some guy to come in and look, and see if im crazy, if i am, we will stay ... pretty sure im not though, so then he said "nice, so when he finds it to be condemned we will be on the streets"........ if its 'not that bad' then why worry about that? he finally said, ok yes, its bad, but i still dont want to move... I said if shed be willing to fix it, id be ok with that, but the wiring probably costs more than the house is worth, so i highly doubt she will... he said if she wont, then he would move.
at least we made some compromise...
i feel like i could be sick... i hate stress and that was insane.
I try to be understanding that none of us are used to this arrangement, and i really felt like he didnt care, but it was a total misunderstanding. hes not a 'sharing and feelings' kind of guy either, so i just have to remember when telling him how i feel to start by telling him THIS IS JUST HOW I FEEEEEEEL. lol
relationships.............................................................
hes an aries, i knew that hed be a stubborn ass going into this, i can live with that, as long as he can live with me being a smart ass :P