I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions) => Topic started by: deniferfer on March 21, 2012, 11:04:19 AM
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I'm normally very up beat about being on D. It doesn't bother me at all and I just look at challenges in my life and say BRING IT ON!! But just lately I have found I have been down about one thing and that's dating. I'm only 30 and I want to find a good guy to have a relationship with. I know, I have high standers for any man I date but I feel being on D has made it that much harder. I find the guys I do talk to, can't see pass that I'm on D. I don't get it cuz to me its no big deal I just do things a little differently. Yes its a part of me but not all of me! ya know? I went to some other sites and saw terms used like damaged goods or one of my favorites walking dead..OUCH!! WHAT THE H**L!? (So I got to wonder if this is what they think?) I don't think going to dating services are right place for me but to be honest I really don't know. I'm scarred and don't want to get hurt. I just think anyone that is going to be with me has to understand my world and not be bothered by it. If you have the same problem or any suggestions for me let know.
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i am almost in the same boat as you. 31. i used to be a superstar (not bragging here honestly) but now i don't even approach. i feel guilty putting my problems in anybody else's basket. i get questions like "i have no right to ruin her life by burdening her with myself" in my mind all the time. the thing that worries me most is, she will not realize the depth of the situation, jump in, freak out once she finds out the deeper things, and run away. that's my first instinct whenever i talk to a girl. hang in there. there are people out there as you can probably tell from the people here at IHD. i guess you just have to keep trying.
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Keep trying. I did meet my boyfriend before kidney failure but I knew I would one day need to be on dialysis. One night a laid all my cards on the table cause I knew he was the one and told him my health problems and everything. He did need time to think but he wanted to stay together. When my kidneys did fail he couldn't deal with it and we did breakup but then he apologized and we've been together ever since. Blood makes him sick so he doesn't go to my treatments but he has taken me to doctor appts and to the ER. And he is great at raising my blood pressure when it's low and I don't feel good.
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I actually have some experience here LOL
Im 28 now, and ive been doing this dialysis crap for 5 years already, and ive had my share of bfs who turned out not so grand.
I had one who wanted to date me but didnt want the responcibility of being with a sick person, (ya i dont quite understand THAT either but i broke up with him for other reasons, besides that) I had others similar to that, cant date because your sick, you cant have my babies, etc, etc, etc.
I went through the whole, Well I dont want to put all my issues on them, or i dont want them to go through losing me if i die, all that has gone through my head, UNTIL one of my friends said to me, "Dont you think that should be their choice? maybe they think you are worth that." And they are somewhat correct there.
Now, I had given up after the last two i dated turned out to be complete psychopaths. And I am not kidding when I say psychopaths, they were freaking psychopaths, who belong in some type of institution!
I was playing some games on a site called myyearbook.com, and some really cute dude messaged me, so we started talking. We have been together since november, and planning on moving with each other this summer. He knows i get sick, and hes great about it. Sometimes I still worry that he will get fed up if i cant do everything I wish I could do, but he says he understands.
Now i must say though, adding to my dating issue,i am also a single mother, whbich just made it that much harder to find someone. But, if you stop looking he or she may come along. Thats what happened to me. I was done with men, i only talked to him because I was bored, and he was funny. I figured id gain a new friend, but we totally hit it off.
Dont let this get you down, if its meant to be it will be. some people arent complete jerks.
I think Not dating someone due to something that isnt their fault is pretty dumb... Its all about personality baby ;)
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I was only on dialysis for 7 months, but I did not date in that time. I had such bad luck with dating when I was "healthy", that I have now pretty much given up on it. My thought is, if men didn't like me before ESRD, they sure as hell won't like me after! Now that I have a transplant, I am afraid to date because I am afraid of the icky "hook-up" "culture" that is out there. From what I can tell, a lot of guys expect sex on a first date, and sorry, I'm just not into that, especially while I'm on immunosuppressants. So, for me, I just find it easier to not bother with dating, especially since the men I date tend to expect me to deal with all their drama. Thank you, I have enough of that in my life! I didnt always feel this way, but after being burned one too many times, I have decided that I'm done. The kind of man I want does not exist in my geographical area. I will not waste my time on anyone who is less then that, and around here, that is all there is. Maybe I'm too bitter, but I just figure that now, when it comes to "dating" I can't be bothered.
KarenInWA
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I was in the same boat, too. When I moved to the city I'm now in (pre-D), I wanted to start dating, but wasn't sure of the reception I'd receive. I decided that I would be totally up-front with anyone I met. I did meet someone (through craigslist of all places) and I told him on our very first date that I had "kidney issues," which would require a transplant at some point in my life. Exactly 2 months after we first met, he was taking me to the hospital to have laser lithotripsy on a kidney stone! I was sure that would have scared him off and I took him to my neph appointment so he could hear for himself from the doc what was going on. About a year and a half later the real roller-coaster ride started when I was on dialysis (and hemo did not go well for me!). However, about a month into dialysis he proposed and last June we were married.
I guess my advice would echo gothiclovemonkey that there are people out there who will think you are "worth the trouble!" Also, it's been my experience that everyone is dealing with something in their lives. We have health issues, others may have other types of issues, but no one is perfectly normal in this world. When I was in therapy and expressed my worries over scaring suitors off with my health issues she told me that anyone who is willing to dump you because things get (are) rough means that you don't want them anyway. There are no guarantees that life wouldn't get rough even if you were perfectly healthy and you'd like a partner with a strong backbone for whatever happens in life.
I guess my advice would be to not give up, but maybe take a break now and then if it starts to seem too stressful. Who knows, you might even meet someone when you're not even looking!
Good luck and best wishes!
Carolyn
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Honestly, I think the message here is that D is going to be a part of your life, but it's NOT your whole life. If someone can't get passed that then they're not worth it.
My boyfriend knew I was sick way before we even started dating, but I just explained what my condition was and left it at that. When I got pregnant, and my kidneys completely failed, it still wasn't the only topic of conversation...obviously :) When we do talk about it, I remind him he's my boyfriend, not my caregiver, nurse, or doctor... but he is my support and I love him for that. :cuddle;
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I am not on dialysis and I know its not quite the same as it would be coming from a guy, but I have chosen to enter a relationship with someone who is on dialysis. I don't really see the D as a factor that would make me leave him and it definately didn't make me not want to be with him. Eventually you will find someone who loves you for you and the D won't matter to them. I hope that you arn't discouraged by the men that you have found previously. There are some good ones out there. Good luck with your hunt.
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^
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Hey guys, I know its been awhile and I really meant to get back to my post on here. Thanks for all your support and kind words. I going to let you in on a secret of mine and that have yet to even get my 1st kiss. I do know part of the reason I put finding someone on the back burner my health came 1st in my eyes. I was ok with that and lived with it... But just lately I have wanted to find that person to love me for me.
But just finding the world of dating at 30 is a lot harder than at 17 kinda thing. Its like being a teenager all over again!! You remember all those awkward moments? Yeah....... I'm living them now. :laugh: But I'm not going to give up anytime soon. I just tell myself I have a lot to offer and they I have to hang in there.
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hi,
I hope I can encourage most of you. Here is my experience/situation. I have been on D for 4.5 year and I am 29. I just got married to a wonderful man in December 2011! Him and I have known/been together for 2 years.
Here is another twist. He is military. And I have a 6 year old daughter by another man! So now i Have been married for over 6 months and I have never lived with my husband, who is active duty in the military, for more then 2 weeks.
So my poor husband deals with my dialysis issues, and my child's father wont let my daughter move out of state, so we cant live together! And he knew this before we got married!
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Hey,
I know I'm a little late to the dance as the topic came up a few months ago, but I can relate to a lot of you too. I'm 27 myself and I know exactly what you mean. I think when you're thinking about your health, you don't even think about partners etc. I'm single myself and have been since 1837 lol. But I know that if people can't accept you for who you are, they're not worth knowing.
I get that too were people think me being on dialysis is a big deal, to me it's just another day. The way I see it is, I've got way too much positivity in me to worry about the negative, one day someone will see that I'm more than any illness or disease. Stay true to who you are and I know your Prince Charming will see past all that. I'm going to keep being my positive self and I know one day I'll catch some lucky lady's eye lol.
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Hello,
Just wanted to give you all some hope if i can. I have been dealing with ESRD since I was 13. I have also been doing dialysis for the last 7 years. I'm 29 years old.
Back in 2005 I started to date this guy shortly after my transplanted kidney start failed. I thought for sure he wouldn't stick around.. I was ALWAYS in & out of hospitals, tons of operations & even in a coma due to my high BP.
Nothings seemed to be easy it was one struggle after another. But he stuck together thought it with me. Back in November 2009 we were married & October 2010 we were blessed with our son.
The right person is out there for you & will come along when the timing is right :cuddle;
Think Positive !!
~ Marna
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I'm another one with this problem. I was married have a daughter. My ex stayed through a year of dialysis and a transplant. Things started to falter when my transplant began to fail and needless to say I'm divorced. I was also with a girl for 4 years after my divorce and was engaged and she dumped me while I'm on dialysis. I think what happens is people go in to relationships with us think they can deal with everything and eventually find out that this is going to be a life long ordeal for us and it scares them. So now I'm 32 and I pretty much gave up like most if something comes along fine even though another relationship cares me because of the rejection because each time I put my heart out there and get crushed another piece of me seems to die. I wish for someone would come along and love me for me health and all and not worry about so much about my mortality.
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I thought I replied to this one. These discussions seem familar or there have been similar post. The only benefit nowdays to date is to get medical personell off ones back with the usual question of "Do you have anyone with you, coming to see you" ect. blah blah blah and to do something with my married friends. I'm just use to doing things on my own that it would be to awkward now to date.
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I don't date either, but I certainly understand how a person could feel it would be unfair to start a relationship with someone knowing that this was coming down the pike. True, there are some wonderful people out there who can deal with it (as evidenced by some of these posts), but I think many people are afraid to be around someone who has to deal with their own mortality on an ongoing basis. Most healthy people, in my experience, prefer to think of themselves as immortal. :o
Anne
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Same boat here! I'm 25 and have been on dialysis for 7 years. I never dated in highschool. Never had a boyfriend until I was 21 years old. He turned out to be... not so nice. Extremely abusive, in fact. In all aspects... sexually, physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally. It was a nightmare. Three months after my 2nd transplant he beat the crap out of me, I sent his ass to jail that night. Since then I've had boyfriends... none that really impressed me. They didin't last. None of them seemed to have any problems with my dialysis though. Except one. He was freaked out by my PD cath. It's okay though, I found out quick that he had a wife and kid anyway. :urcrazy;
Lately, I've been feeling a bit lonley, but I am so busy with dialysis and working full-time I don't really have time for a boyfriend. So, really I'm not avidly looking. Oh, I flirt with guys, I have no shame. :rofl; But nothing serious. It would be nice to find someone eventually, I always envisioned myself as married and adopting kids (as I can't have my own. Thanks CKD and CHF! >.>) I think good guys are out there, just few and far between. Especially in my generation. ::)
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I'm so sorry LexxTech18 (Lexx not named for the tv show by any chance? lol)... it upsets me to read your story - specially the guy who beat you up right after a tx?! that bloody well is criminal to a normal person, but to a fragile person with a special gift.... that makes me so angry it's right up there with people who do disgusting things to kittens and other innocent animals for kicks.
when I read of stories like yours, and others, I feel ashamed to be male... and I am also acutely aware that I myself could do better as a person (but then again my luck with relationships is pretty poor and I've never intentionally hurt anyone physically and hopefully not emotionally or otherwise).
I'm glad you're kind of in an ok place with it right now, but for myself I'm finding it a bit difficult (I mean the lonely part etc) and I don't even have D to freak people out with(for now, anyway) but I do have a big hard throbbing fistula that freaks the crap out of some.
blah
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I'm so sorry LexxTech18 (Lexx not named for the tv show by any chance? lol)... it upsets me to read your story - specially the guy who beat you up right after a tx?! that bloody well is criminal to a normal person, but to a fragile person with a special gift.... that makes me so angry it's right up there with people who do disgusting things to kittens and other innocent animals for kicks.
when I read of stories like yours, and others, I feel ashamed to be male... and I am also acutely aware that I myself could do better as a person (but then again my luck with relationships is pretty poor and I've never intentionally hurt anyone physically and hopefully not emotionally or otherwise).
I'm glad you're kind of in an ok place with it right now, but for myself I'm finding it a bit difficult (I mean the lonely part etc) and I don't even have D to freak people out with(for now, anyway) but I do have a big hard throbbing fistula that freaks the crap out of some.
blah
Actually I was named after a fictional ice-skater. Alexis Winston in Ice Castles. :rofl; But I prefer Lexx, Lex, or Lexi. :D
Yes, it was a horrible relationship, but I got out pretty quick. Was with the a**hole for only a year. I was smart and lucky, many abusive relationships go on for much, much longer.
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lexx, kudos for getting out so fast! It took me 3 years to realize i was better than that!
Richard, now I am thinking about your big hard throbbing fistula.... :P must you word things so well? :P
I was thinking about this, and I think that if my current relationship ends, I dont believe Ill actively date again, for a while anyway. I dont want to put my son through that again, and quite honestly, its soooo much easier being single. even on the lonley nights...
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At what age does dating become I'm looking to settle? :sarcasm;
Just wondering if I hit that point yet :rofl;
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Don't know if you all even want to hear from me. I've been married for almost 28 years now.
Anyway, when I met my husband, I was not looking for a long term relationship. I was in my early 20's and all I wanted to do was go out and have fun! He also was NOT what I would have said was my type! :rofl;
What I'm trying to say is: Your perfect person is out there. Don't look so hard for them, though. That just puts pressure on you. I was looking for friends, many of which I still have. Then my husband came along out of the blue!
I wish I could play matchmaker for all of you because you are all special people that deserve nothing but the best! :grouphug;
BTW: my husband & I have had to separate for financial reasons. He make a lousy $100 too much for me to get any help and the medical bills were sinking us. We decided to do it this way because if we had divorced, he would not have been able to keep me on his insurance. He's still and always will be the love of my life!
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But, but, but I have to look hard! 8) :sarcasm; :rofl;
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I'm only 25 and I feel like I'm ready to settle down. I just don't want to date! :rofl; I've never likes the whole "dating" part of a relationship. Mainly because I felt I was doing all the work. I'd love to just meet a guy and we instantly fall on love and live happily ever after! Lol but I know that's not realistic. *sigh*
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damn disney making us believe that crap lol
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I know, right?! :P I mean who wants to actually get to know the person they're with? Psh that's for losers! :sarcasm; lol
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That's why there are 2 bedrooms?
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lexx you were feeling like you were having to do all the work, imho, because the relationships and guys weren't right for you. I don't know where the right one is, but aside from Disney movies, while all relationships take work, compromise, give/take and communication it shouldn't feel like hard work to keep it going.. that's surely a sign its broken or not right in the first place... well that's my view... from the very long time single guy.... so take that as a guide to how useful that opinion is :p
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lexx you were feeling like you were having to do all the work, imho, because the relationships and guys weren't right for you. I don't know where the right one is, but aside from Disney movies, while all relationships take work, compromise, give/take and communication it shouldn't feel like hard work to keep it going.. that's surely a sign its broken or not right in the first place... well that's my view... from the very long time single guy.... so take that as a guide to how useful that opinion is :p
I 100% totally agree with what Richard wrote. I am a long-time single woman. I'm beginning to think there really is something to that whole "He's just not that into you" theory. Let me tell you, that has literally been the story of my so-called "dating" life! Each and every single time I have ever been stupid enough to try. So, at age 39, I have literally given up. I will not make any special efforts to meet anyone. If I come upon someone in my normal life, then I will give that a chance. But I don't want to be the only party who is trying to drum up interest, either. If he is interested, he needs to be a man and make contact, too. Where I live, in the greater Seattle area, that doesn't happen often. *Especially* to me. And when it does, it is usually someone who is NOT someone I am interested in. Too old, too gross, have nothing going for them, too married, have issues that don't jive with mine. Sorry, yes, I am picky, and I will not take on anyone else's fabricated drama. I tried that once, a few months before I started dialysis. I then told him I ddidn't have the "luxury" of putting up with his fabricated drama. Never heard from him again. What a relief! :rofl;
KarenInWA
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WAIT, Disney has lied to me??? So a guy is not going to come wake me from my sleep and take me back to his castle and marriage me? Shoot time to change my avatar pic!! :rofl;
But no seriously.. i also agree to what Richard said that any relationship is work and there is a give and take to it. That if your the one putting in all the work and all he is doing is taking what you give but not willing to give back then that is not a true relationship. I know there are a lot of jerk guys and complete assholes that have never been thought what it means to be a really gentleman!!! They have no clue on how to be kind and respectful to a woman. But on the other hand i also know there are good guys out there and they are the ones that are worth waiting for.
But I'm also not willing to just settle for anyone that comes my way. I actually such a dork that i have a list of what i hope to find in a guy and what i want from him. It not anything over the top like make a million dollars a year but little things like truthful, caring, genuine, funny and hell actually wants to have a real conversation with me!! I have also have a 3 strikes your out, this are things I'm not willing to put up with. Thou the too married would be a simple hell no!!! But where to find someone that meets this list of mine? Hint not a free online dating site...little dirty birds there!! lol
I will say that lately it has been hard and i have been lonely. With all the crap my body is doing right now and all the stuff they keep adding on to the list of things to do and have done. That I wish i had that special person that would cuddle me and say hey its OK. But right now mommy is having to due when i go over there. :rofl; :rofl;
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with having standards, deniferfer. :) I also have standards and expectations of a potential mate. Like for one, he must have a job. I don't care if he makes minimum wage or $100,000 a year. So long as he can pay for himself. All of my exes relied on me for too much. I only had one boyfriend who had his own car (though he still wanted gas money from me) and that was the abusive ex. I've been far too gererous in my past relationships, I didn't know how to say "no." I would like a man to take care of me for once or at least take care of himself. If I can be on dialysis and have a full time, good paying job and care for myself there's no reason my man can't! :rofl;
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i agree too, with richard... while im not exactly taking that same advice....
In the past I have dated some seriously losers, guys who didnt work, guys that were abusive, guys that were just plain asshats.
my last two actual relationships(not just a date here and there), though, have been a huge step up. they both worked, they both had vehicles, and both had living spaces...
The one i have right now has a great job, when we met he had a car (it broke, i convinced him to buy mine, and IT too broke...) he lived with his gma when we met, because she needed him... and he isnt really abusive... We have issues (as you may have read) and it may or may not work out for us, but we are giving it one last shot...
I wasnt looking to date anyone when we met... we met, and started hanging out, and hit it off..
In the event it doesnt work out, I am taking the same approach that KareninWA is. If it happens, it happens, but im not going to actively look. Pretty much how i met this bf... but next time, I will not jump so quickly to be the gf either! i want someone who is going to work at it... if you want me bad enough, you will work for my love..
We kind of have to be picky, a little bit, because we arent exactly in a place were we can put up with too much crap...
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I'm late to the party here.. :waving; My luck at dating pre kidney issues was never the greatist and if it wasn't that great before it's worse now! :rant;
Long story short after many years absence I put up a profile on POF and I laid everything on the table basically saying " if any of this bothers you, please don't bother messaging me". Low and behold someone in my city did respond, we emailed back and forth a few times and then we agreed to meet after about a month. I told her exactly what I am like including my sense of humour which can be R-rated at times depending on the situation.
So we met for coffee, I didn't really get great "vibes" from her.. didn't hear from her 3 days after we met.. so I said "what's up?" then I got the "Dear John" email. My immediate reaction was to delete and block her on FB. That was in Dec 2012.
Haven't bothered to go looking since nor do I really have any desire too, and probably for the same reasons I have already read. I'm stable now but there is no guarantee that's always going to be the case. I'm a fairly big guy to begin with and I'm pretty sure it's a physical turn off to most women anyway.. ::)
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LabRat - Love the name btw, I'm a labrat, myself. xD I'm the one that draws your blood. Muwahhaha! Anywho, POF? That was your first mistake. POF is full of... *shudders* Just ew. I've met people from POF and OKCupid. No. Never again. Losers. Douchebags. All wanting f-buddies. Sorry, but I actually have respect for myself, kthanksbai. lol Stay off those sleezy online dating sites; you'll find a much nicer girl offline, I'm sure of it. Just my two cents. :twocents;
Well, here I am back in the dating thread as today my boyfriend (of a one month. Whoop-dee-doo!) broke up with me this morning. He literally used the "It's not you, it's me. I need to find myself." line. ::) Yeah. Okay, buddy. Ohhh flippin' well. Back to square one! ^_^ Anyone else having any luck in the love department, eh?
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I'm not sure if POF is necessarily full of sleazebags cuz um well I was on POF and I never sent any messages or replied to messages saying " hey baby wanna shag?" totally not my style.. :bow;
That's the thing I have found someone "offline", I used to work with her before she left for medical reasons, the minute I laid eyes on her I was like " blah bah ba" you know sorta like the invisible teacher from Peanuts? :D We became really good friends and still are today but alas I've been relegated to the friendzone. She ironically found someone on POF and moved in with him.. and you know how it is.. I'm like " gaaaaaaaaaah! no!!!!" But what can you do?
Sorry to hear about getting the heave ho from your boyfriend.. you know full well when people say " it's not you, it's me" that they really mean " it's not me.. it's you"? I've heard that line so many times it's not funny that I no longer believe it.
No luck for me in the love dept since you were asking... :pray;
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I am nearing 40, perpetually single, and have never had any luck in the so-called "love" department. I figure guys didn't like me before I was on dialysis, so they certainly wouldn't like me while on dialysis. Now I am transplanted and have too much respect for my health to waste my time on dating. It seems like everyone out there expects sex ASAP, and if you don't give it up, you get dumped. However, in my experiences, even if you do give it up, you get dumped. Now that I have a drug-induced compromised immune system, I really don't want to risk my sexual and over-all health by getting in the sack with someone who most likely has a history of multiple random hook-ups (and yes, even *with* condoms, there is still a risk. HPV, for example, does not just stay in the borders of penis and vagina. I *really* don't want to catch some nasty ick that is forever going to change my health history from some guy who doesn't give a literal crap about me.) I gave up on "dating" because I got so sick and tired of being led on and lied to just so he could get a piece of ass and then dump me or play the whiney bitch card so I would get sick of him and dump him. I have yet to meet a "real" man in my almost 40 years on this earth. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I have yet to meet a "real" *American* man. As far as I'm concerned, there are no real men in America anymore. I'm done trying.
I have been told by many that I am negative when it comes to this. Well, how can I not be when that is all I know? If I were to meet someone today, I would want things to progress slowly (no jumping in bed too soon, and by too soon I mean 2 or 3 months, preferably 3. Why 3? Because I've never had a "relationship" last that long. Seriously.) And, I would want that man to NOT hook-up with others in the meantime. From what I understand, that is apparently asking for too much. You see, the "norm" out there is to see each other while being able to screw others on the side. Then, after 3 months, or maybe 6, you then agree to be "exclusive". In my goal of preserving my sexual and over-all health, this does not work. I do not need that stress in my life. So with that, I am done with "dating" and all the hell that goes with it. It is not worth it to me.
Besides, the only men who give me attention or compliments are married men. Disgusting and/or older men used to do that too, but for now, that seems to have calmed down. I am not going to get excited about attention from married men.
KarenInWA
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Hey everyone,
I've been meaning to respond on here for a little while now. Firstly I agree, there is nothing wrong with anyone wanting to wait before taking things to the next level, infact I'd go as far to say you wouldn't be as hurt if you break up early in the relationship as it being more of an accentuated friendship as opposed to getting engaged in 2 months lol. I think taking things physical early on is a total mistake in my opinion.
I'm a dude and I'm glad all the women aren't bashing every guy. Sure there are some idiots who see women as one conquest after the next, but there are good guys who want to settle down and have something serious. I think some people I've met can see past me being on dialysis, but a lot of people can't deal with it in my opinion. But I think that goes generally too for difficult circumstances. I find a lot of people can be weak in today's world and look for as easy a life as possible and they avoid anything that they feel may complicate matters. That doesn't mean they will complicate matters, just the perception some people have.
I'm 27 and single, all I ask for is a girl who will admire my reflection with me LOL! Just kidding (I hope that's as funny to you as it was when I thought of it lol).
On a serious note, someone started a dating group on Facebook for dialysis patients, if you're on Facebook, give it a go. I'm one of the admins now as I was asked to help out. Hopefully a few of you guys and girls can find a potential partner on there, or worst case scenario; a friend or two. The link is https://www.facebook.com/groups/130498537142640/?fref=ts
Good luck!
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If I met a nice guy, I'd feel differently, for sure. I just have never met one. I lost my virginity at a relatively "older" age - 26. Men didn't like me, and the ones who did didn't want to be my "first" - because let's face it, they knew what a big deal that was, and they didn't want to be my big deal. The guy who did that broke up with me at 2.5 months and went for white trash. The guys who I dated before that broke up with me at the 2 month or 2.5 month mark. So for me, it really didn't matter. Give it up or don't give it up - either way, get dumped. The only positive experience I've had with a man was a man I had a crush on and never dated. Something may have happened at some point, but I'll never know. I ended up w/a boyfriend that didn't last. I recently googled this former crush and found out he killed himself about 2.5 years ago. Sad. But, all in all, I am not looking. I have a very bitter attitude because of the "experiences" I've had. I believe I am meant to be alone, and that's just that.
KarenInWA
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Tonights Laugh
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Karen - couldn't agree more!! It seems like all I ever get is immature boys who would rather play video games. Not that there's anything wrong with video games, I'm a gamer girl, but don't let them rule your life. Get a job! Lol It's very admirable that you've decided to put your health first and put dating on the back burner. After all, if you're not around to date it kind of defeats the point, right? I have recently started to take that stance as well, putting myself first. I'd like for a man (notice I say MAN not boy) to approach me for once. And not just for sex. I'm not a hooker for crying out loud. I'm a lady! Treat me with some respect and common decency! I hate that my generation thinks its okay to be seeing and screwing around with 5 different people until you decide which one is best. I've seen far too many STD tests come up positive where I work in the lab to be a part of that mess.
HSM - thanks for the link! I'm going to look into it. So you say you're single eh? ;) hahaha
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I just wanted to add my two cents.
I was seeing someone before (or as I started to have renal failure). So when it finally happened (ESRD) it delayed us getting serious. She stuck by me and we got serious but it only lasted 6 months.
Between working full time and going to hemo 3 days a week and never being able to take road trips with her. She didn't think we spent enough time together.
To be honest when I had free time I still had chores, like laundry, cleaning, etc. Or I was just too tired and wanted to rest.
So I've been hesitant to start anything else because of the anticipation of heartbreak later. I'm sure that has a part of ruining the relationship, me thinking that way.
But that's why I think I need to find someone who is also going through ESRD.
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My husband left just before I started D - in large part because of my illness (and his mistress, but that's a another story) and I was sure that dating right away was a lousy idea for my own mental health. While my sister is firmly of the opinion that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one, that just didn't appeal to me. So I didn't bother to even think about it.
Then I got my transplant - and it was a mess. I had every complication in the book that you could think of that wasn't fatal. I had an open wound the size of a basketball on my abdomen for the first 8 months. I had to relearn to walk after two months bed-bound. After that, I got a skin graft that I had for 15 months - as my incision under the graft split back open and my intestines spilled into view under that skinny layer of tissue. Then, with more complications, I had the graft removed and all my intestines pinned back in place and the split incision finally jammed back together. (I got to relearn to walk again.) I've now got a seam running from my bra to under my bikini line, with no belly button left. I also had nerve damage that left substantial portions of me completely numb from my (former) belly button to mid thigh. I'm still in pain from it all pretty frequently, 2 years after the last surgery.
Add in steroid meds to that mix, and dating wasn't even on my list of things to think about. I had so little interest in the opposite sex for so long, I was starting to think the meds had unbalanced my hormones to the point that I was never going to be interested ever again.
About 6 months ago, my hormones apparently kicked back into gear. Someone I'd know for quite a while at the pro bono clinic I volunteer at suddenly set all my alarm bells off. It was obvious to me quickly that I wasn't his type at all. (He seems to prefer his women tall, thin, and athletic. Three strikes and I'm out on that!) Well, that was fine, really. He's a friend, and, hey, I can still enjoy the view. Mostly I was relieved the switches were still working, right?
Except I realized two months ago that even if he had been interested, I was in no shape to follow through. We were at court for a hearing. His client had dashed out after they were in front of the judge and was hiding in the ladies room so she didn't have to face her soon-to-be-ex-husband in the hallway. The clinic director asked if he should stay with us until she came out of hiding. My friend replied, "No, I'm fine, I've got Beany with me." He reached over while he said it and put his arm around me, and his hand on my back over my native kidney, tugging me toward him just a bit.
A normal reaction to a friend touching me would have been not to think anything about. A normal reaction to someone I'm really attracted to should have been, "Hurray!"
But after 7 years single, where the only physical contact I've had has been from doctors, nurses, and physical therapists, usually involving some level of pain, my reaction was to freeze solid, not even breathing, while the thought, "Oh shit, how much is this going to hurt?" ran through my head. That thought was chased by "Dear-god-Don't-scream - there's an armed bailiff standing 6 feet away!"
So, yeah, there's my sign. No dating for me for the foreseeable future.
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It doesn't matter who touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.
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It doesn't matter who touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.
I wonder if that pain when someone presses on bad kidneys is common? Mine hurt like the dickens, and have since they started to fail. Mine failed because of the long-term effects of juvenile diabetes, so it's not like there's cysts on mine that would make that an expected side effect. There's also some connection for me with it getting worse the lower my hemoglobin is, but even with my hemoglobin running 13 or 14 now with the transplant, it hasn't completely gone away.
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It doesn't matter who touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.
I wonder if that pain when someone presses on bad kidneys is common? Mine hurt like the dickens, and have since they started to fail. Mine failed because of the long-term effects of juvenile diabetes, so it's not like there's cysts on mine that would make that an expected side effect. There's also some connection for me with it getting worse the lower my hemoglobin is, but even with my hemoglobin running 13 or 14 now with the transplant, it hasn't completely gone away.
Maybe it is diabetic related? The pain is worse than the neuropathy pains.
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I am glad I found this topic, as this is something I am going through currently. I am currently dating this girl for about 2 months now. Everything is going really well. She knows all about this process now. She has seen me do PD, dealing with drain pain, and even a 2 day ordeal in the hospital. When I was put on Dialysis in May, I thought this was it as far as a normal life, but that hasn't been the case so far. I still work full time, now I have a GF, and I live in my own apt. I rarely go to the doctors for emergencies (I hope I didn't jinx anything). I guess I was worried about performance, because for a while I didn't have much of a sex drive. That has improved since I started dating again. :bandance; It seems for the most part I am still pretty normal.