I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: krismimo on February 29, 2012, 03:46:17 PM
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Hey All!
So today after I got home from the hospital my hubby was crabby and wanted to eat problem was he kind of sorta wanted to eat something that wasn't healthy for him. My husband is pretty good overall when it comes to his diet but lately for the past few months he has been fighting me more about his eating habits. It is to the point when he was getting more snippy with me I just threw in the towel and said You know what I dont care anymore just eat what you want to eat. He got quiet. Now he had colonoscopy he had not eaten anything for awhile. My mom is temporaily staying with us and she took him to get something to eat ( I decided to stay home because I had to do some things and I didn't want to blow up.) he ate something that wasn't all that great but wasn't all that bad either. So I didn't say anything. Then I realised something. I'am not going to be his food police anymore. I'am already burned out it's not that I don't care I just dont have the time to monitor everything he is doing because at the end of the day it is HIS choice and HIS body. Me being a somewhat control freak I want him to be in the best shape that he can. I don't expect anyone to be 100 percent strict were human and every once in awhile we crave things or maybe slip. I'am so sorry for the rant. I guess what I'm trying to find out is has anyone one else been in this position? And if so what did you do? What didn't you do? Any response and or advice will be greatly appreciated. :)
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You may be worrying for nothing. If his labs are OK, then there is no harm in the occasional cheat. Portion control is the key. For instance, dried fruits are bad because they are high in phosphorus, and they can also be high in potassium because when they are dried, they look smaller, and so it is easier to eat more of them than you think. I happen to LOVE dried apricots, so a couple of times a week, I will take one dried apricot, chop it up and put it on my morning cereal. Just that little bit satisfies me.
There is a difference between "avoiding" and "prohibiting".
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o hyes I agree his numbers are not so great because he has been slipping his doctors told him that he needs to work on it asap or else I wouldnt be worried. I have been laxed in letting hoin sneak this or that but I'am not always with him all the time. His Potassium is very high and his phoso. (Due to overacting hormones) I know why his pottasium is high but he is not really listening. So I'am at a cross roads.
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oh, no wonder you are worried. It must be really frustrating for you. I just can't imagine sabotaging myself like that. I really don't have any answers for you because I don't understand that sort of behaviour. I mean, I hear people trying to explain why they won't follow the diet, and while I understand on one level, I just don't understand how any kind of food is worth the risk. Does your husband really understand exactly what happens to the body when K and phos are too high? Especially with phos...oh, it's dreadful. Imagine there being bonelike bits growing in your eyeballs! That's the sort of thing that can happen if your phos consistently runs too high, and don't think I'm kidding.
I hope he comes to his senses.
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Yes maam, been there and done that. Best thing to do, is do what you are doing. Just make sure that he knows of the concequences in the choices he makes. If he eats something and he gets sick from it, just tell him in a nice way, that this is the consequence of his eating this particular thing, then gentle help him through it.
You know, I use to put my thumb on my J, till I realized, I was just spinning my wheels. Just help him out and be there for him, but he needs to know, that HE has to do these changes on his own. It is his body, his life and you love him, and what he does, effects you too!
J has been through alot over the years. He is a good man and certainly didnt ask for this disease, but neither did I. Now after several instances in hospital and sicknesses, J is doing very well with his diet. He really doesnt do the "Renal Diet" per sa, but he eats less of alot of things, but still enjoys some things.
Just tell him what you told us and I think, if approached in a more calming way, he will change and be more helpful in that area. Now if he gets all mean & nasty, tells you you don't love him and blah, blah, blah, then calmly tell him that you are leaviing for now and will be back when he treats you like a wife instead of a child! He will think twice before he says it again.
You see Kriss, they are hurting. This damn disease has robbed them of their livelihood in some sense. If he is severe ESRD with other issues like J. then all they have is us to complain to. They have no one else. Do they love us? Absolutely, that has never changed. But what kidney failure has done to their overall health, in their eyes, is Devastating! And yes, in our eyes to. We just have to be there for them, but I can assure you they understand & appreciate our being there for them, even if they do not say it. That is what our vows are and I could not live with myself if I did not hold to those vows! My J. is a good man and did not ask for this to happen to him or our lives. If they could go back, they would in a heart beat!
So to kind of ease your mind a bit, you are doing right by not watching every thing he eats and really you can't control what he does to his body. But you can tell him of the consequences of doing so!!!!
Hope that helps, and yes Im serious about leaving when he gets testy with you. You love him and you don't need his verbage of frustration. He will learn, but you may need to teach a lesson in which you did not choose!
God Bless,
lmunchkin
:kickstart;
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I really think you need to have a talk with your hubby so he can tell you what he wants from you. Does he want you to help him maintain his diet or does he prefer you to mind your own business? My wife and I have both been dealing with serious, chronic illnesses for many years and I have learned that our marriage can only survive if we are frank about what to expect from one another. The health of your marriage is more important than any single issue.
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It's difficult, isn't it? On the one hand we don't want to feel like the Food Police and on the other hand we really want them to be as healthy as is possible (given the circumstances.) I did the shouting, I did the crying, I did the ignoring. And then I decided it was HIS life and they were HIS choices to make. We were lucky though because Blokey's labs were generally good. I don't know what to suggest, but some above have given some good advice.
*huggles*
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no suggestions, but, just had to say been there, done that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, do that :shy; I 'try' to leave it up to him but!!!! being i/he really works at feeding/eating right, it's hard to watch the snuck snacks, or, to watch him (when we take the liberty to go out ) either drink to much or eat to much of somethig he shouldnt......... well, it's hard to hush about it. I want him around ya know, and thats why we push, but!!! ultimatly, it is their choice (i guess ::) ) ;D
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Been there, done that as well. And have realized that me trying to police what he eats and drinks will lead to unhappiness for both of us. So unless I really think he's kind of forgotten or just isn't aware of what he's actually eating, he eats what he wants without any input from me.
What helped me was this. I've lost about 40 pounds or so, have another 10 or so to go. I eat what I should most of the time but would not appreciate him "reminding" me that pizza is not on my diet. I'm a big girl, I know that and I've decided that even though it isn't the best choice, it's my choice to make and if I want pizza, I'll be the one whose hips it lands on, thank you very much - LOL.
I think it's the mothering instinct we women have. I don't know of that many men who worry as much about the diet of their wives. Maybe they're out there.
Just take a deep breath and when he complains that he's itchy because of phospherus or chasing his goal weight because he drank too much, smile and nod. You can't control everything - take from someone who tries!!
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Okay! Thank you all so much for the replies I felt like I was loosing my mind! I think you are all right and I will take into consideration about your points of view. My husband is a wonderful guy he has been slipping in the last few months and because of that he is suffering a little bit now. I don't yell at him or anything but I have been burnt out, I think I will tense up less and let him decide what he wants to eat but try to steer him or coach in when I see him fall off the wagon a bit. It's just hard because you care so much. I love this forrum thank you so much for all your replies sometimes you think your alone but it is clear your not. All I can do is take one day at a time. :)
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Does he understand the health risk of a high potassium and phosorphours levels?
Maybe have the doctor or you explain it to him and how you don't want anything to happen, also find out if he is suffering from depression. I know when I first got diagnosed I didn't care, I thought my life would be short lived.
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lmunchkin - AMEN AMEN AMEN !
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Oh no he is not depressed, he has woken up and has been more careful sometimes you just need a good swift kick in the pants so far so good. I get it I understand it more of he has a taste or craving for something trust me he knows how bad it is and his doctors got on his case which helped a lot so now he is back to being good again. There were other things going on around that time subconciously I think he was upset about it. (Ex wife trying to start trouble) and they have two kids togther 1 is grown and the other will be 12 this year. So when he is really stressed out ir upset he sort of falls off the wagon with his diet but he usually snaps out of it. He has made peace with his situation and realised that there are some things not worth getting "sick" over. I hope tht better explains things. I'm just happy he is back to where he is suppose to be, and that goes for me too.
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Kriss, you love him and that is evident. He is lucky to have you, and yet, I believe he probably knows that as well! Be loving & please have open dialoque with him. J & I didn't at first cause this disease tried to destroy our marriage, but LOVE will conquer ALL. It will win out everytime it is tested!
My J has 3 kids from a previous marriage too. I know all to well the "rift" that can evolve from that! But we are adults about it and respect for one another and their positions must be done. His kids do not come to see him enough. They have get togethers on Thanksgiving & Christmas and that is it! Two of them live nearby and one lives in another state. Im not going to tell them (I did at first) to come see their father, heck, Im sure they feel that Im the reason for not coming to see him. Who knows what goes on in their minds.
I just do my best to not interfear (god my spelling is awful) or speak negatively about his children. I know they love him, but I personally feel that twice a year is not enough. But that is me!
So yea, I understand completely, Kriss! Hang in there, you are doing an excellent job.
lmunchkin
:kickstart;
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He has made peace with his situation and realised that there are some things not worth getting "sick" over.
This is a huge step forward. Once you reach the point where you truly believe that that chocolate covered banana with cream and nuts on top just isn't worth the risk, you've pretty much won the battle.
My husband is a Seinfeld fan, and he is always quoting that stupid show. I've seen very few episodes, but one I DID see was the one where Elaine's contraceptive sponge of choice was no longer being manufactured, so she went out and bought up the remaining stock. Then she had to decide if an intimate encounter with a particular guy was "sponge-worthy." So, I always have to decide if some tasty morsel is "phosphorus worthy", and frankly, the answer is usually "no". (Although the answer is always "yes" if there are oysters fried in cornmeal and/or black-eyed peas involved.)
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I'm w/ MM....I could not pass up those oysters no matter what the risk. :rofl;
Seriously though, I think most of us care partners have been in the position of watching our loved one sabotage themselves. I know how angry it has made me in the past...I'm doing all I can to keep us going and he's eating stuff that's going to have negative consequences for us both. But after I quit trying to "help" him stay with the approved diet, he has gotten much better about it. He still cheats but is much more cognizant of what he is eating. I just make sure there are good choices available to him.
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He has made peace with his situation and realised that there are some things not worth getting "sick" over.
This is a huge step forward. Once you reach the point where you truly believe that that chocolate covered banana with cream and nuts on top just isn't worth the risk, you've pretty much won the battle.
My husband is a Seinfeld fan, and he is always quoting that stupid show. I've seen very few episodes, but one I DID see was the one where Elaine's contraceptive sponge of choice was no longer being manufactured, so she went out and bought up the remaining stock. Then she had to decide if an intimate encounter with a particular guy was "sponge-worthy." So, I always have to decide if some tasty morsel is "phosphorus worthy", and frankly, the answer is usually "no". (Although the answer is always "yes" if there are oysters fried in cornmeal and/or black-eyed peas involved.)
God I love this! Where does your gift of gab come from? You have it my dear, the gift of humor.
Kriss, how are things today? I thought about you all day at work.
lmunchkin
:kickstart;
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oh MM you just crack me up.... i do NOT bow my head in shame when i say ....... i LOVE that Seinfield show.... LOVE LOVE LOVE it :cheer: ... We quote him daily it seems and his humor is very laughable in our family circle..hehhehehe (awwww, we've found a difference in you and i..lol ) I do know the show you speak of and we use it in the same sort of way as you have given..
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HAHAHAHAH you all are too funny!