I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: Kitty Cat on December 18, 2011, 03:02:29 PM
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I know there are many other people on these boards who have lost somebody before a holiday.....please, give me some advice on how to get through this sanely....
We took the kids on a train ride last night, Santa saw every child on the train and my 20 mo old grandson said Santa for the very first time. Plus, he was very aware of the train ride and his eyes glowed like Mark's when it came to the train. Mark has left his legacy in this child. I cried the whole way home because Mark isn't there to see these firsts.
Today, I made homemade manicotti, it came out almost exactly as Mark made it. I cried through the meal because I want nothing more than to have him here. He'd have been so proud, especially since my cooking has always left a lot to be desired.
Everything is hitting like a brick in the face. My daughter brought over a present that I am to open Xmas eve, I guess Mark told her a week before he died to do this for me. I can't even look at it under the tree. I now understand how people get so depressed around the holidays. I have always LOVED Xmas, very childlike about it. This year I wish it would just go away. But then I have to deal with Valentine's Day, etc.
Nothing is giving me peace, I feel like I'm so lost. I see my counselor on Thursday, but I don't know that she'll say anything that can give me some kind of peace.
I'm sorry to be so depressing, but this is so horrible missing somebody like this. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, ever.
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oh kittyCat... this made me cry. I have been crying and missing my hubby every day latly and he's still here with me, just doing poorly. (hopfully just an anemic issue) I read this from you and it just tears me apart. I was wanting to put a post about this because,,, well, what you ARE going through, i fear. I am so sorry dear lady for what you are having to live. My Bo is the most 'life on earth' loven human i have ever come across and to live without him.... well, i now see it will be barily do-able. I can only pray for your comfort and healing. If it were in me to change this part of life, it would be so different. Bless you, and be well and heal.. :grouphug;
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Kitty Cat..... I wish I had words of wisdom.... I don't.
But I do understand grief, not the kind you are experiencing, though. Like Boswife, I sometimes feel a dread about the time that I might have to carry on without the love of my life.
I do know about the grief blind-siding you, like what you are going through. You think you are dealing, and then the tears come. Mark must have been an incredible person. Look what he did with his life! And look at YOU! So much of who you are is because of sharing your life with him.
Yes he would have been proud of you. And you should proud of yourself, too.
The pain will fade (but not fully go away) over time. The memories will be sweeter instead of heart-wrenching. I don't know if you have read anything about grief. There are some stages that we all go through, but we do it in different ways.
Most importantly, I think, is to know that you are safe here.....we may not be there to hug you physically, but we can listen, and hug you in our hearts. You will need those hugs. Don't be shy about asking for them.
:grouphug;
Aleta
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I have to say, your fears now are what I lived through for 12 yrs with over the years. It was constant fear, "is this the time", etc. But through everything, no matter how bad, Mark never complained. He always wanted to help somebody else, for the longest time, he did cookouts for the senior center. They loved him being there. But politics put an end to that. That hurt him most.
I miss his jokes, I miss him just sitting with me on the couch, knowing that he was sleeping in the next room. I miss him showing Pierce how to run the trains. It's endless, there are so many things. Even today, when doing wash, I missed washing his clothes! Who would have ever thought???
I don't want to move from here because his presence is so strong. This place was everything to both of us, the first place we felt really secure and the things we've done. Last was painting the living room. It looks amazing. But I have good memories about the painting.
We've tried to be positive through everything, we mostly succeeded, the trips toward the end were the best ever. What I'd give to go back to the last trip we took to the beach!
I've put off school for another semester. My counselor said that I'm not in a position where I'd be able to concentrate the way I need to, I agree. However, I had a job interview Friday. If I get it, then it was meant to be. I'll do my job and get back to school so I can do what my heart desires.
When you've been with somebody who was so good for/with you, how can I not be so stuck? We did everything together. At least until it was too much for him. We'd have fun grocery shopping, going to get the pet food, etc. We'd talk about everything, I couldn't ever have that again! Nor would I want to, not with anybody else.
The best I can say, is love the one you take care of. Try to live with no regrets, make sure you say everything you ever want to, no matter what. I've learned, you have to live each day as if it is the last. Sadly, you don't know. I want to go back into time, but I can't. I want to come home and tell him something that just happened, funny or otherwise, nobody is here. It makes me sick not being able to talk to him, hugging him and so on.
My friends are great, but a number of them have gotten on with their lives while I'm stuck in mine. I can't fault them, they don't understand that kind of loss. They've never had to deal with a sick partner, not to the extreme we deal with.
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:grouphug; :grouphug;
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Kitty Cat,
I want to tell you this, because it is important to me...and I hope you can understand. That whole time you were losing Mark, my heart always lurched when I saw that you had posted. My fear was that you were posting that Mark had died. But over those months, again and again the message of love and grace and living without regrets was so very strong and clear.
That message reached deep into my soul. I am a better, happier person for it. I have had a wonderful life. I have a stronger appreciation for it and relish each day more. I owe much of this to you, dear lady. I wish I could give some of that back to you to carry you through this time.
My feeling of gratitude toward life has become so profound through your influence that it has been almost like a reawakening.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
May you continue to live in grace.... Hold your memories close, but allow them to propel you into a brighter future.
:grouphug;
Aleta
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I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. I long to send you comfort.
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Kitty Cat, Bless you, I don't know what to say to help you. I just wish I could be there to give you a hug. I haven't been through what you are dealing with, I dread the time when it comes. You have been so brave for a long time. Friends I have, that have lost their husbands, tell me the worst part is going home to an empty house. I can not image this. You are still grieving and will be for a long time, there will be little things, daft things that will trigger your tears, let them come. Remember how much love you gave to each other, Mark will always be looking over you, trust me.
Reading your post made me feel a little guilty, I asked my self, am I doing enough for my husband, am I caring enough for him. Like you I do not want any regrets when the time comes.. Please keep coming back and talking to us. I hope you get the job you applied for, try to keep busy. Thinking about you.
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Thank you all for the hugs, it really does help.
This morning I received a call from the place I applied to and I did get the job. I'm scared to death, I'm excited and terrorized too. I don't have my cheerleader here to give me a big hug before I walk out the door. That scares me more. I'm leaving an empty house and coming home to an empty house. I should be used to it considering how much time Mark spent in the hospital, but I always called him right away.
To top it all off, took the 3rd kitty and the dog to the vet today (everybody is now caught up on shots, etc) found out that my dog has lyme disease, so antibiotics for that and as a pup (3 1/2 months old) she had parvo. At that time I was told that they didn't know what this would do to her as she got older, we were lucky that she was alive. She is now having problems with her eyes and will become blind as she gets older, definitely because of the parvo. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
Still trying to be positive. My Church sent a beautiful gift basket because Mark passed, I can't even open that. I know God only gives what he can handle, but too much more and I'm going to snap like a stick. I don't think I could feel much lower than I do these days. I just don't know.
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
It isn't the same, but WE are cheering you on.
:flower;
Aleta
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Oh Kitty Cat, I am bawling right now. I can't seem to stop crying. I know that I & others here are reading our futures in your very present situation. I can not bear this. Your Mark sounds like my J and I hang on your every word, thoughts & feelings. I pray God give you the strength & the peace you desire. I don't want to be in this situation. I hate it, yet I know it will come!
You are such an wonderful lady and I hope that this Time of the year will bring back loads of GOOD MEMORIES for not just you, but all who have suffered loss of loved ones!!!!
Im so sorry KC. I will be praying :pray; for you since I do not have the words to console you in your loss. But as others above have said, Mark will be watching over you. I know he is very proud of you. I also believe that work will help you to cope!
God be with you, Kitty Cat
lmunchkin
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Courage and bravery! :grouphug; :grouphug;
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well.....it's over with! I had a good time with my daughter/son in law and grandkids. Especially my eldest grandson. He's my shadow and he stuck with me yesterday as if he knew. He played this game with me where I had to chase him down to tickle him and to hear this little guy laugh is like gold. When it came time to leave, he said "Ga, go vroom vroom" meaning he wanted me to follow him home. I love how he calls me Ga.
So all in all it was a good day, but an hour after they left, I had all the decorations off the tree, put them away this morning, the tree is in the back of the yard becoming a bird sanctuary. But I feel a bit better.
The present that Mark had requested my daughter get for me was to be something I could cherish. She had a picture of us framed with a poem called "remember me" It was beautiful and something I will absolutely cherish. He didn't want me missing out because of the cancer as he told her I always loved Xmas so much, he loved how my eyes sparkled this time of year. How much I miss him....
Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life, let's see how it goes, normally I start a new job all bright eyed and ready to go, this time it's with a frightened heart. Not quite sure what to expect but I will give it my all. Hopefully it goes okay.
Wishing you all a peaceful, wonderful New Year. You have all helped me so much over the years, I really don't know where I'd be without all the help and listening to me vent over everything and anything! I wish us all good things for 2012.
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Kitty Cat, I am so pleased you managed to get through the day, I think having your grand kids and family around you lifts your spirit it is a wonderful to see the grand kids happy. The poem Mark left you "Remember Me " is a lovely poem, if it is the one I am thinking about. Starts:
Remember me with love, not tears,
and think of all of our happy years.
What a wonderful thought to have left you a photo and this poem.
So Christmas is over and another chapter in your life begins. You are a strong person, you will meet life head on and embrace it.
Did you start your new job to-day, if so how did it go? New girls always feel nervous. Wishing you lots of love.for the coming year.
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:grouphug;
Xo,
R
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You have given so much to IHD, Kitty Cat. I am glad that IHD has given back.
I am confident that you will face this new phase of your life with the same grace and courage that you have already shown. :cuddle;
Onward, dear lady. But have those wonderful grandchildren nearby as often as possible. Our children and their children help us look toward the future.
:grouphug;
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Thank you for the encouragement. I have never in my life resisted change, but now accepting change is like a ball & chain! I am managing though.
Billybags, that is exactly the poem. It's one of the most beautiful poems I have read. It was perfect for something to cherish.
I started work yesterday, dreaded it all day and couldn't wait to get out of there. I spent the day yesterday and this morning convincing myself that I made a horrible mistake. I wanted to back out of it but am unable as people are counting on me and my knowledge to help out, as well as advance the department. Today went a bit better, the type of work is the same, training is boring especially when I was training in my last position, but the good part is I know what I need to pay attention to, which is anything that the procedure differs from what I did. At least I didn't come home filled with dread and jumped right into what needed to be done. Last night, I was so depressed I didn't function. Was even more depressed when I found out that my grandson was upset when he couldn't talk to me yesterday afternoon.
Willowtreewren, thank you for the vote of confidence, I'm truly hoping as time goes on, I will be able to keep my head up rather than trying to be invisible. I am more determined than ever to get into school this coming fall and get this program started. I want to help dialysis people. I can't wait to get started.
rsudock, thank you, thank you!
I'm trying to find a person to snow plow this winter, what a joke! I've been told I live too far out, for what??? I am 15 minutes from 2 major cities, so I have no idea what these folks are talking about. I've got my fingers crossed because I will NOT be out there shoveling snow.....could you see it now???? :rofl;
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Oh Kitty Cat! Wish I could be there to hug you in person. :cuddle; Your posts have hit me on a different level as I am the patient. They really made me think about what my husband has been going through. Thank you for being there for all of us. :grouphug; You are in my thoughts and prayers.