I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: deanocank on November 25, 2011, 05:07:39 PM
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before i had kidney failure life was fast and i didn't care about consequence i didnt notice the finer things in life like when i was in hospital and i had the permacat in my neck the first morning i looked in the mirror and cryd for the first time in years i went and sat out side the hospital on a bench and i layd back to relax and i felt the sun on my face and and i took the biggest breath and felt pure air i heard the birds singing and the grass blowing in the wind it was as if life had slowed down and i now i realise that now i am realy living and taking notice of things that most people take for granted so now i look out the window and see the clouds and wonder how long i have left here on this earth is there anyone else that has felt like this?? or what are the finer things in life that you now notice??
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Dean === you are so very young to be going through all of this and I'm sorry. I hope you have 70 more years of the sun on your face, breathing the pure air and listening to the birds sing. It's great to be able to appreciate "the little things" and I hope you have a long, long, time to do so.
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I am amazed as hell with every year I have on this Earth.
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Good Evening ..... Feeling the sun on my face is something that would make my dermatologist mad as it would give me skin cancer.(Lil) I have been where you are. Savor everyday. I was all hectic for years and the
Kidney problems set in and ended up on Dialysis. Man that gives me 3 1/2 hrs every otherday rest an contemplate . You have so much to keep you going. This website will teach you some of those things , Others you will find as you maneuver thru life. I was transplanted 12 yrs ago and that has now failed and i am back on hemo again. Now I have a 10 yr old son to concerned and he has become a great assistant care giver with my wife. I feel he is learning compassion by giving at his young age. He will recover from this as will I. Live each day to the fullest .do not sweat little draw backs life is good and can be long on dialysis
is
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I really struggled with accepting ESRD. I was so focused on me and my "can'ts" that I pretty much ignored most everything else. Then, in January of this year, we adopted a "rescue" dog. He's perfect. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your dog is so ecstatic to see you or in for a walk no matter how short. Then, in August, I found IHD and discovered that I was not alone. I've learned my limitations and I am starting to accept them. I appreciate each day that I am given.
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Interesting thought, deanocank,
because when my kidneys first failed and picked up again,
and I was finally strong enough about one year later, in 1972,
to have a biopsy taken to which my body reacted very badly and I just about made it.
I was then told the result of the biopsy which again was devastating
because it was chronic proliferative glomerulonephritis,
and then I ended up in hospital to be checked-up again
and the doctors had just told me honestly after I had pressed them for answers,
that survival on Dialysis was 5 years, whereas being on the waiting-list for a kidney-transplant took 10 years.
So, I was not on Dialysis yet but I realized that being on the waiting-list was not much of a chance either.
Whilst I was in hospital, I felt very depressed; I had no idea how to go about my life
and unfortunately I had no one – apart from the doctors – to ask for advice,
but I could not intrude on them too often, even though they were very sympathetic
because I was only a teenager.
I then went for a walk outside the hospital and walked restlessly through the hospital grounds, thinking,
deeply disturbed about my situation and suddenly there came glaring out of a window the sound
of a song that waxed lyrical about America and this suddenly made me think
that there is a whole world out there and I was jolted out of my depression
and so I began to lift myself up again to make a big effort;
and I decided there and then that I would have to put up a real fight.
Mind you, I have not been to America yet, but I have travelled a bit and seen a few places
and even though my situation has not changed,
the point is that I am still here and hoping ...
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My kidneys have been going downhill since my early 20s (I'm 58 now) due to IgA Nephropathy. There was nothing I could do about it and finally had to go on dialysis this year. During that time I served in the US Army for 9 years and after my discharge I've worked 50-60 hrs per week the whole time (still do). I still remain active and play a competitive sport 3 times a week and in tournaments.
What I've noticed is that no matter how hard I try my body just will not perform like it used to. Working harder doesn't help anymore but rather just manages to make me more tired. I've had to find a balance when exercising just so that I can maintain a lower level of performance. It's frustrating but I'm starting to come to terms with it. :(
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I was really busy at work, it was a really stressful time for a few months. I knew something was wrong, I was always out of breath and I'm 120lbs vegetarian, don't drink or smoke, early 30s, so it was really odd all my overweight coworkers could make it up 3 flights of stairs and be fine, but I kept putting off seeing a doctor. So when I was hospitalized and they told me my kidneys gave out. Everything I worked for, working so hard so that I could save enough money to aimlessly travel the world for a few years. All those vacations I never took to save up leave, vacations I will never be able to take now. My dreams vanished just like that. So when the doctor told me I couldn't hold back the tears, and I haven't cried since my dog died when I was 10.
I recently got divorced. So I went through all of this alone. So it was a pretty depressing time.
After a week in the hospital bed I was finally able to get up and walk around. I walked outside and sat on a bench just like you. I wasn't supposed to leave my floor though. But nothing matters. None of the things before that mattered so much mattered anymore.
Older people would always tell me "Don't work so hard". I always thought it was a greeting that would just say. Now I realized they were actually trying to tell me something. Enjoy life.
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I didn't notice the little things before. I enjoy the sunrises and sunsets more, the birds chirping....the trees changing colors in the fall, the blooms coming out in the spring. Being alive in general.
I almost died before I started dialysis and didn't notice or care as much of these beautiful things. Almost dying was a real eye opener for me, personally, pun intended. :P
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I remember right after starting dialysis when that feeling came over me. I was picking up apples off the ground and I thought .... even if all I can do is pick up apples off the ground I'm helping.
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bansix's post made me realize how devastating loss can be. I have always taken such pleasure from so many things, and maybe I was fortunate to appreciate these things from an early age. But I had never experienced true loss, but severe CKD has taken so much from me and has destroyed my dreams, too. Bansix, you and I will just have to make new dreams or will have to work harder to make those dreams come true. I, too, wanted to travel the world, but maybe I can stay closer to home and have a bigger impact in the lives of more people right here. If I am ever lucky enough to get a transplant and regain my energy, I have a couple of volunteering opportunities that I want to explore. And one day, I might get to Australia!
No one should have to go through this alone, but all too many of us do.
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I totally get what you are saying. We had a totally beautiful day in Southern California today, 80 degrees. :guitar:
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I have always been such a stubborn person, that I wonder if anything short of kidney failure, and the concomitant loss of strength and money would have ever made me to examine my orientation to my own life -- that I might see that a life lived solely for the sake the future is not a life after all.
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Know the feelings you are having. Completely. First time my husband took me out for a little ride in the golf cart after my heart attack, I was so grateful to be alive, the tears started and I turned my head so he would not see them. Everything looked so much more beautiful than it ever had.
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I know how you feel. I have been dealing with ESRD since I was 20. I am now 42 and I am on my 2nd transplant. ;D
I do remember right after my 1st transplant (21 years old) I was at work and spent about 30 minutes completely fascinated by how my hands worked and just amazed by their perfect functionality. ;D