I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: Kitty Cat on May 24, 2011, 07:58:58 AM
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My husband has been through so much in the past 11-12 yrs, however, lately we'd had some whispers that he may have cancer. I didn't pay a lot of attention because within the past 2 yrs, he'd had kidney cancer and beat that.
This one he isn't going to beat. He has liver cancer, ithe mass has grown substantially and the best we've been given is 3-4 months.
I'm beyond numb right now, I've spoken with his surgeon who has been with us through everything and then some, she is going to help me get care set up for him so that he can pass at home. She is absolutely wonderful!! I don't know what I'd do without her.
At this point, I'm going to focus on him and move forward from there, now it's baby steps instead of one day at a time.
Right now he's in the hospital, he was rushed in by ambulance yesterday morning, so I'm going to head there to be with him.
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oh Kittycat there is nothing I can say that will take your pain away, I am so sorry to hear this . I some times wonder what it is all about. You watch your husband struggle through this and that, you are with them when they are fighting to beat things that come a long and now this. Make the most of this time you have together. I will be praying for you both. Life seems so unfair.
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Saying a prayer for you and your husband. So sorry.
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Bless you both and peace be with you.... Im so sorry :pray;
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My heart goes out to you, Kitty Cat. I hope that you and your husband can cherish the time that you have left together.
I know that you must be feeling such grief, along with the need to be strong.
:grouphug;
Aleta
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Oh no!!!...
I'm SO sorry to hear this...
Hope you get all the help and support you need...
Thinking of, and praying for you...
Love and :grouphug;
Darth...
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Thank you so very much.
I had spoken to his surgeon, as you know, she's been with us the whole way since the beginning. She has gotten him onto the hospice list and as soon as he was able to be placed into a room, they came to see him. They are going to meet with us to get us the help we will need through this. I was insistent that he pass at home where he's comfortable. He's done so much time in the hospital, I don't want it to end that way for him too.
It's a good thing that I lost my job when I did. Otherwise, I'd have to fight for the time off to stay with him. One less thing to worry about.
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Kitty Cat,
I am so sad to hear this news. I think it's so nice to have him come home, hospitals are not where I would wish to spend my final days. Best wishes to you, please know we are here for you.
HUGS :grouphug;
Karol
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:grouphug;
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Iam lost for words, right now and my heart aches for you and your husband. We all know we will not live forever, but when it happens, it seems so unreal! God Bless you, Kitty Cat! You have been there for him through it all! You are an Angel!
So sorry to hear this. This is so hard! You are in our thoughts and prayers :pray;
lmunchkin
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KittyCat, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to both of you. Bless you for being there for him through it all. You will both be in my prayers and we are here for you. :cuddle;
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Oh, I'm so sorry Kitty Cat.
*huggles*
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Thinking about you kittycat and hoping your holding up.. more prayers dear lady..
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:grouphug;
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Thank you all so much
He came home today from the hospital. I was surprised, even though I've seen him in the hospital that he looks so weak. Within a few weeks, he will be permanently in a wheelchair. No longer an option.
He has spoken to our Priest about getting the service set, we're trying to do everything possible so later on I don't have to say "now what?"
This is still so surreal, I've had a couple huge meltdowns, one on the way home from running errands, shouldn't have been driving through that one. I've decided to help him as best I can, worry about myself after the fact. Only because I want this to be as peaceful as can possibly be for him. I don't want him worrying about me.
Right now, our daughter and her family are staying with us for a couple more days, the company has truly helped. Especially with the baby, he's such a ray of sunshine that you can't help but laugh at his antics.
I never want to look back on this time with regrets, this is something I've said all these years too. I can be proud of the fact that I did my best, all you can ask for. I want us to enjoy what time is left, we're taking him to a restaurant on the beach for his birthday. Every hug, look, kiss means even more than I could have ever thought.
Your support helps more than you can know. Over the years, you've all been here to help me through all the craziness with family and especially with this disease. Thank you so much. I will still be around, probably hysterical at times as this progresses. I don't think I've fully accepted any of this...
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:grouphug;
I wish you a wealth of beautiful new memories as you, your husband, and your family go through this time.
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Thinking of you, your hubby, and all of your family...
You're travelling a hard road...
We'll be here for you all the way... Cyber friends are still friends...
A little Irish saying....
There are good ships, and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships are friendships,
And may they always be.
Love...
Darth...
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My best wishes are with the pair of you.
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Kitty, I'm thinking of you and your hubby and sending you daily cyber-hugs. :grouphug;
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I wish this all wasnt so.. Im heartbroken for you and pray that you can have the strength to get through. I fear i wont if indeed im in your position. Bless your heart, i wish you so much comfort...
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Thank you all for the prayers and hugs! I keep coming back to read it when I need a boost to keep going.
My hubby is going to try a bit of chemo. It will not stop the tumors (they are now in his esophagus and his stomach, possibly in his lungs) He wanted to do this because it may give him an extra couple of months. My only worry is that he ends up with an active mind in a body that doesn't do anything. I can't imagine anything worst. This chemo requires 2 weeks worth of IV chemo and 2 weeks worth of pills. So we've got the appts set up for the IV's and will be starting the week after next.
We have been trying to get out and do things, we've been to the beach with our daughter & grandson. That trip was so amazing!! We're going to try and go again really soon.
We've also started planning the service. I've decided I don't want a funeral mass per say but a celebration of his life. He even told our Priest that he wanted him to play "Don't worry be happy" at the service. I wouldn't promise, but our Priest did. He was trying so hard not to grin when my husband asked him. I was stunned but didn't say anything. I understand it now, but at that moment I just didn't get it.
Then there is my mother in law. You're pretty well all familiar with that whatever it is. When we told her, she looked at me and was so shocked says to me, "you've stuck by him through everything". Really????? After almost 30 yrs she gets a slight clue????? I'm keeping my distance but trying to keep it to a dull roar for his sake. Afterward, all bets are off.
I spoke to the college I've been accepted at and they are pushing me down for a semester, so I'll be starting in Feb 2012. This is even more near & dear to my heart. I will succeed at this. By using my life lessons and reading what you all have to say about what social workers should know and how they should help patients & families, I will take all of you with me into this journey.
Some days are better than others. I never know when a melt down will hit and I'll just sit and cry, but I try so hard for him not to see me because he feels hurt when it happens and that's not what I want to make him feel at all. Time is so unbelievably short. My sleeping cycles are all off, I can only get 3-4 hrs a night now and my appetite is so bad, the first thing I ate today was around 1pm. The good part about that is that I found my favorite pair of overalls that I haven't been able to wear in about 6 years and they fit so well, at least something good happened. My doc is totally aware of everything and working with me to keep me going.
Thank you for everything. I'm sorry I'm not posting as I should, I'm trying to squeeze in so much in a short time...
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You've been on my mind a lot and im glad you came to update. Oh lord it must be hard, but you seem to be handling it. What else can you do i guess. I sure say my prayers for some comfort to you both.. Bless you, and im proud of how your handling it all.
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Thank you for the update. I wish I had wonderful words of comfort. My heart is so sad for your family. I can't imagine the depth of your pain. I will keep saying lots of prayers for you. May God wrap His loving arms around you and bring you peace. :cuddle;
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This eve,I talked to my hubby about what your going through. I just cant face the thought and broke down afterwords once alone.. Im just so sorry dear lady that you are going through this. Just thinking about it is enough to send my head and heart wheeling. Which is what i ment when i was saying that i guess you have no choice at this point to just deal and accept. I feel i cant, couldnt, so thats also why i can say how proud of you i am. Your doing it, and living it, and keeping at least part of your attitude (the part that matters) in tact. I wish i had words, or something that could change it all, for you and all of us. I wish for you that you will have comfort in your and our prayers and peace in your heart. :pray;
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I am sorry. I think you're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. You are facing this together and I admire that. Yes, squeeze in what you can - thanks for keeping us updated. Big HUGS for you both. :grouphug;
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Kitty Cat, Just do one day at a time. You are in our prayers. Be brave for him.
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i'm thinking of you...
xo,
R
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Thank you all for the good thoughts, I appreciate them more than you will ever know.
For the recent updates:
He started chemo this past week. He did okay, it's very mild and also not as long as most people have to be there. They start out taking blood to check on the cells. I'm very surprised how quickly they get the results from that-it takes no more than 10 min! The second step is an anti-nausea IV which takes about 15 min. The last is the actual chemo. This is around 30 min. The facility is really awesome, the nurse he has is wonderful. While she was explaining the whys and whatfors, I lost it and started crying. It really hit me that this was it and everything depends on whether the tumors can be slowed down or not. I pulled myself together and threw myself into the books they gave us. He did very well, had an appetite that I haven't seen in a long while, but now he's so tired and sore, he spends an awful lot of time on the couch. Simple things that gave him pleasure are now too much.
Our daughter and I took him to the beach this week too, this will be the last trip he will be able to go. He was so cold, he was huddled under a sweatshirt and towels. I felt really bad, we kept offering to go home, he refused and he did have a good time. He gets sore sitting in the car too long, we had his pain pills with us to try and help, his walking is really bad now. He's finally going to start using his wheelchair.
The only plus to the dialysis side of all this is because of the chemo, he no longer has to take cumadin. The chemo thins out the blood enough to prevent clotting. He can't use heparin because he is deathly allergic to it. He will stop breathing. It's happened twice, once when they found out he was allergic and the 2nd time in the hospital when the nurse ignored the huge sign over his bed saying "no heparin"! I happened to ask if she was using heparin and she calmly asked what would happen, I told her and all of a sudden there were more people in that room than I thought I would ever see.
To try and keep his spirits up, I bought him a few John Wayne movies, he loves them. So far he hasn't watched them, but I try. Here it's after 2am now, I can't sleep-nothing unusual about that, but I can feel how short time is. He's only 52, everything about this is wrong. How is it that somebody can try to do the right thing, yet you will have somebody who doesn't care, hurts people intentionally and they live unscathed till their 100? He suffers and there isn't a single thing I can do to help him. I checked on him before I came online and he was moaning in his sleep. I asked if he was in pain, when I flipped the light on, I can see it all over him. He said he hurt too. He's still hours away from the next pain meds.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, move forward and have no regrets, just enjoy the time left. Most days I'm good at this. Sunday, I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. I know I can't do that. I keep throwing myself into things to avoid thinking. I'm afraid if I admit everything going on, I'll start screaming and not stop. I can't do that to him, he doesn't deserve it. I can melt down afterward, but the same thing. I'm going to throw myself into school and finding a new job to do to get me through school, but I also know that at some point, there is going to be a gap in time, I'm afraid of how I'm going to react once that time comes.
I thank you all for listening, this helps me. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm running on instinct to try to protect him and care for him. I've done this for so long, I'd been told twice this past week that I'm not going to know what to do with myself once this is over because I've never had time for myself. I really don't mind that. This is what I do. How am I supposed to move on without my husband? I can't even fathom doing anything alone...
Thanks for listening...
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I don't know how I missed this thread...
There really are no words for what you are going through that could take away such intense sadness and pain. There is nothing more horrible than watching someone you love suffer so much, and I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. No wonder you are in such pain.
I've just finished reading this whole thread and noticed you had mentioned hospice. Is this something you might still consider? I had a friend whose mother was very ill, and she was able to get her mom into a hospice. I can only go by what she said; she said that hospice was wonderful because those people are professionals, and reducing pain and creating comfort is what they are trained to do. They take care of all the little, practical chores while you can do the really important work, which is providing emotional and psychological care to your husband.
The future for you is full of unknowns, and that's what makes it scary. There is no need to worry about what you will do with yourself; those answers will come in time. But you are right in believing that now is what matters, and the important thing is that you have no regrets. Give your husband all you can give, just like you are doing now, and later you will be so glad that you did everything you could to make his days easier.
I could be trite and tell you that with us by your side, you won't be alone, but we can't possibly fill such a void. But, we can try. In the meantime, thank you for the updates, and please keep us up to date with how you are doing.
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Thanks for checking in. I wish it didn't have to be so hard. Sending you big warm hugs and hoping you can get some rest.
As far as your hubby, he might be able to take benadryl and melatonine, if the doctor says its ok. That, along with his pain pills, may help him to sleep better.
Hopefully you'll be able to take this one day at a time and try not to wonder too much about the whys and hows of the future. It will wait. I think its good that you include him in as much as he wants to do.
Best wishes that his chemo is not too tough and it helps.
:cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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I'm having such a difficult time tonight, I think him hurting as bad as he is to cause him moaning in his sleep is what knocked me off my path.
MooseMom, I will have hospice in, but here (I don't know if it's everywhere) they can't do anything with him while he is on chemo. The second he comes off chemo, they will step in immediately.
I've been doing some wandering around the web reading about liver cancer tonight, the one thing people are sharing is that when the body starts to shut down from liver cancer, the person becomes very tired, lethargic. This is what I see him doing now. I suspected from the onset that it may not be the 4 months that they estimated but shorter because of how fast the tumors were growing. I know the doctors can't possibly know and it was only an estimate, so I tried very hard not to cling to a time line. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. Tonight has been the worst so far, I feel really beat up and haven't been able to stop crying. But at least it's not in front of him, hopefully I can pull it together in a few hours as I need to get him to dialysis.
I'm going to try to get some rest, thank you all again, I know I keep saying it, but you all are truly helping me through this. I wish to God that this wasn't my reality.
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Just checked on him, he seems to be a little bit more peaceful, maybe a deeper sleep?
okarol, he'd been taking benedryl because his skin itches, don't know if his phophorus is up or if it's the chemo making him itch, so he called his doc today and they've got him on something stronger to stop the itching. That, thankfully has worked. When we go to chemo next, I'll make sure we mention the itching.
I am going to work on my Mickey Mouse cross stitch for our grandson, there's no way I'm going back to sleep.
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:grouphug;
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KC, my heart goes out to you. This is such a difficult time for you and for him. My thoughts and prayers are with you daily. The time you spend with him now can be your comfort later. Try to take a little respite for yourself each day, even if it is to allow yourself a meltdown. Those can be therapeutic, too. I'm sending you my biggest cyber-hug today. :cuddle;
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May the Lord be with you and your family during this time! I know this is hard on you and hang in there KC! You come to us anytime!!!!
Sending hugs :grouphug; and prayers :pray; to you!
lmunchkin :flower;
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This is so hard and im terrably sorry it's your turn at this horrable reality. I wish so badly that comfort find you and give you some peace. I pray for peace and comfort. I dread this reality :'( Im so sorry and wish i had words of comfort... :grouphug;
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He's been admitted to the hospital. He has jaundice, his blood levels are off by almost 10 points, they are checking for a possible liver infection and if it turns out that the livers bile duct is blocked, they are going to try and reopen it.
I feel horrible that I somehow didn't see him getting jaundiced until this morning, but we already had an appt to see the oncologist today after chemo. His numbers are so far off along with everything else, he was rushed in to see the doc and chemo never happened today. I'm hoping we'll get some answers today or tomorrow and if need be, get hospice involved.
I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm losing hope. This is a horrible for any human to have to go through.....
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Sending you a hug, many hugs. :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
I hope you have support there. This is very tough.
I've been thinking of you since yesterday. Take care, keep coming back here, we care.
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My personal belief is that there comes a point where the suffering must stop. I don't know just when one arrives at that point; it is different for everyone. Your husband has fought for so very long; does he want to continue fighting?
I don't know why so many people are made to suffer like this. It is such a cruel thing.
You say you don't know what to do. My gut instinct is to tell you to do whatever is necessary to make sure your husband is comfortable. Think long and hard about every intervention the medical team wants to perform. Doctors sometimes don't know when to let go, when to stop, because their training compels them to DO something, anything! But that's not always the right thing for the patient. I think you know which procedures will provide a benefit and which will simply do nothing more than inflict more pain.
What does your husband want? Is he still in fighting mode?
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
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:cuddle;
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:grouphug; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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Thank you for everything. I'm sorry I'm not posting as I should, I'm trying to squeeze in so much in a short time...
OH, Kitty Cat. There is no posting as you should. Dear, you are doing what you should when you are being with your dear husband. :cuddle;
If I could pour all the loving help possible through the internet, it still wouldn't be enough. Your IHD family will be here whenever you need to post, or just read. WE are the ones who should be posting to YOU!
:grouphug;
Aleta
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I'm so sorry to hear this You're in my prayers/ thoughts :grouphug;
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Thank you all.....I've never seen this side of life until now, I'm so used to all the kidney stuff and this curve ball has completely knocked me out of my familiar surroundings, if you can call it that.
MooseMom, my husband is the one fighting, his doctors would stop at a moment's notice if he says the word. Our daughter is pregnant with her 2nd little boy, my husband's goal is to meet this child. She is due next month sometime (I say that as she has been told that she will have this little man way before her due date of 8-31) Her pregnancy is high risk as she has developed my husband's kidney disease.
I do everything in my power to make sure he is happy, pain free as best as I can and comfortable. As soon as he stops the chemo, or his doc says no more (he's very lucky to have the 3 doctors he has....they are the only ones I've ever met that have his interests at heart, first & foremost.) then hospice comes into the house immediately and takes over. The one constant I've had is insisting he pass at home. He has spent way too much time in the hospital in the last 11-12 yrs. His time will be at home. I will find a way to make it happen.
I'm not sure he'll be here for our 28th anniversary next month, I can pray he is, but if he is I truly hope that he is still himself. Once dialysis is stopped, he will pass very quickly. But I have been told that it will be in his sleep, I've also read about it on the internet, I know not to believe everything I read on other sites, but everybody seems to agree on this.
I'm trying so very hard not to concentrate on what happens next, I don't want it to interfere with whatever time we have left. But it never leaves my mind. I know what I feel like right now with him in the hospital-I can't imagine this feeling the rest of my life. I'm not sleeping, last night I did sleep most of the night, it was so very nice, but tonight is another of the long hauls. I'm borrowing his portable dvd player so I can sit in the bedroom and watch a movie to distract myself. I want to call him so desperately, I can't....in case he's sleeping.
He told the doc this afternoon that he wanted to wait until Monday to be admitted, the doctor was speechless, I asked why Monday, he said that he needed to make sure he was home for my birthday, that really made me cry, but I told him I didn't care about the birthday I want to make sure he's as healthy as can be. I am so touched that he even thought about it.
Thank you for the prayers, once again this site is my saving grace....I come in to read as much as I can, I am truly touched and humbled by all the hugs, prayers that you have all given us. I'm also blessed to be able to post, trying to get this all out of my head and keep myself focused. A huge thank you to everybody at IHD.
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Kitty Cat, you are doing a wonderful job keeping everything together. You know your husband's wishes and are doing everything in your power to honor them. That's a big job, and you are perfect at it.
It's very wise of you to try not to let thoughts of the future prey on the present moments you have with your husband, but I do understand that it is impossible to always be in control of your thinking.
I hope you all get to greet that new grandbaby into the world. What a wonderful reason to want to live! :cuddle;
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I continue to read your posts and hope you find peace and strength. Your hubby is so lucky to have someone that loves him so much. :grouphug;
xo,
R
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KittyCat, I have been following your journey and really I don't know what to say. What I can say is that my caring thoughts and prayers are with you all the way. :cuddle; :grouphug; Thank you for allowing us to go through this with you. Your husband is very fortunate to have such a loving wife as you are.
One thing, I want to ask you to please take care of yourself as well. I am praying for your continued strength. :cuddle;
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I'm sorry you, your husband, and family must endure all of this. :grouphug;
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KittyCat, I am thinking of you. :cuddle;
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Oh KittyCat, you have my best wishes and prayers as well.. It's so hard to know how to help you at this time but im so glad that you come and talk to us and get some reliefe in that. I pray for comfort and peace with this and may God hold you both and give a peaceful passing. Im so sorry :grouphug;
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Kitty Cat,
I wish you could put all your pain and grief into a lovely package and send it to us. Right now you need to have this time with your dear husband without that sadness clouding your togetherness.
What I find a blessing is that when we share our sadness, it is somehow diminished, but when we share joys they only grow. Please continue to share your grief so that we might lighten the load in some small measure.
Try to imagine all the hugs from all of us reaching out to buoy you during your sad journey.
:grouphug;
Aleta
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:waving; :cuddle;
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checking in on your friend...hope you and the hubby are in good spirits despite what you are facing. Hold, kiss, and love each other...take in each precious moment together...
xo,
R
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
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We're doing as well as can be expected...he's still in the hospital, he has 2 more surgeries to go due to his liver & the jaundice. I understand anything about kidneys...but learning about livers this late in the game is very overwhelming.
Here's something that happened Friday-it'll put a smile on your face..
I had to get my eyes checked, I've been noticing my reading glasses weren't cooperating with me any more and the squinting wasn't an option anymore, plus my doctor had been after me to get them checked because of my diabetes. The eye doc gave me a new prescription for reading glasses-no surprise there and decided to dilate my eyes because he couldn't see behind the retina to make sure there was no damage from diabetes. He enlarged my eyes (they felt like they were the Grand Canyon!!!) So I picked out my new glasses and they helped me order lenses for the current ones so that I have 2 pair as I have a bad issue with misplacing them. (I think it's subconscious) After he checked my eyes and said everything was excellent I had to drive home. I get into the car, I can see but everything has a hazy aura to it. I decided to go right home and not take any chances. I called my husband in the hospital and stayed on the phone with him for comfort. So here I am, sunglasses, my headset for the cell phone, hunched over the steering wheel and driving 30 miles an hour and no faster...I got on a roll telling him that I wish he could see me I was way out of my league here, he started laughing like I haven't heard him do in a long time. I kept at it to keep him laughing. When I got home the sun came out...now sunglasses or not, that's not very nice on dilated pupils!! I couldn't resist when I told him the sun hurt my eyes and I started imitating the witch in the Wizard of Oz. I'm melting!!!! Oh my gosh I'm truly melting!!! I was so happy that I had him laughing like that! It was awesome and I'm going to hold on to that forever!!
He's been telling the nurses about it, thankfully they know me so they won't be scratching their heads wondering what he's living with!! :rofl;
I can't wait till he's home but because of the liver, it's causing problems with his blood levels and such so they hesitate to do the operations so that as of today, they've taken him to OR 6 times, twice doing surgery and the other 4 deciding once he's down there that they won't do surgery It's enough to make you crazy not having any idea what's going on. They won't even give us straight answers. They aren't his normal usual doctors so this is a bit odd for us.
Have a great day, hopefully this gave you a smile!
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That is so funny!!!! You keep that up! Im sure your heart melted when he laughed! Thinking of you and sending :grouphug; to too! Thanks for the update and continue to do so, please!
lmunchkin :flower;
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I brought my husband home today!!!!!! :yahoo;
In front of the hospital, they have valet parking which wrapped around for a good tenth of a mile because nobody wanted to use the parking garage. The hospital tech helping him into the car, had about 2 inches between the wheelchair and this woman's car. (traffic was backed up like nothing I've ever seen before.)
My husband is having a very hard time getting out of the wheelchair, the woman going to valet says to the tech, "can i drive now" keep in mind that traffic was NOT moving, don't know where she thought she was going. The tech asked her to please wait. She decided that was not convenient for her, starts to pull up as my husband fell back again into the wheelchair. I looked at her and yelled "Would ya please wait while my husband gets into the car???" I was furious, but polite. Her mouth fell open and she looked like I slapped her. BUT, she didn't move again until he got into the car. In the meantime, the traffic still had not moved at all...
What is wrong with people??? He has a cane, very unsteady on his feet and you decide you need to move now? Where on God's green earth do you think you are going????? It has gotten to the point where people don't care about people and their needs are the only thing that counts.
The bottom line is, I'm relieved he's home, he looks much better, it's time to get a number of Dr. appts set up again. I never, ever thought I'd say that I was excited for that, but that's our normal for now and I will very happily take it!
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I'm so glad you have your husband where he needs to be. :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
Aleta
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Ok, KC, I bet you are so glad to be home! Hospitals can be so exhausting and I know you have been through a lot yourself! Yea people are really impatient at the most inconvient time it seems! Just keep up with the good spirits and make him laugh! It is hard for the both of you!
Glad you are Home! There is no place like it!!!
lmunchkin :flower;
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KC, I'm with you on the Doc appointments! :rofl;
So glad you were able to bring him home and now you two can have some quality time together. Be sure take care of yourself so you can be strong and take care of him.
You'll be in my prayers. :grouphug;
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I apologize for taking so long to update, things have been unbelievably busy.
My hubby tried the chemo, it made him so sick all he could do was sit huddled on the couch. We found if he drank Power Drinks, he didn't dehydrate and get so nauseous or vomit. But it still left him with no energy. We had a talk about 3 weeks ago now about quality of life and he has stopped chemo. He's asked for hospice.
His oncologist has found the right pain relief for him so that he's feeling a bit stronger. His appetite has tanked and it's shocking how much weight he's lost but he wants to go for rides, so I can take him out. He enjoys his "out" time.
I've also learned some self sufficient things, for instance, I was helping with the mowing, put my foot on the pedal thing on the left, and took it out of gear for parking. Well, the second I took my foot off the pedal thing, it starts rolling down the hill!! My husband told me to push it back in, he forgot to show me where the emergency brake was!! Totally scared me!! You know I'll get it eventually... :rofl;
We are still making the best out of the situation, we are sort of at peace with what is happening, but we're here till the road ends.....
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Your attitude towards "life", including the fact that it actually doesn't last forever, is inspirational and comforting to me. I love that you find a way to laugh despite everything and that you don't feel like you can't do new things. I send you a big cyber :grouphug;
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Monrein,
Thank you for the compliment. My life goal especially since my husband became sick with the dialysis issues is to move forward without regrets.(12 yrs now) I never want to look back and say "I wish I did this or that". It's taken a lot to learn to live in the here and now, at times it's very hard-like now with the cancer. I wish I could freeze time but because I can't, I want the best memories to look back on...
I did get my huge one wish, my love was here to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary last Friday. We went out to dinner and it was just so awesome...I couldn't have asked for better. It was bittersweet knowing that there won't be any more but I had him here for this one...
I worry how I"ll do once he's gone, but I am looking to be in counseling once it's over. I have been with him for more than half of my life, that's a huge chunk. I need to move forward-I am still set up with the college to start school (now) in Feb 2012. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
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Kitty Kat. Being in the here and now is the best way! I know it is hard for you, but cherish each moment. Being able to live without regrets is a live worth living.
:grouphug; :grouphug;
Aleta
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Sister, you humble me. Your Grit is Amazing.
My sister in Miami has a son, her last child, who is 11. When he was a fat happy giggly little 8 yr old, he began to have seizures. many appts and no one knew what to do. It was very late in the game when he was finally diagnosed. "x.ALD". Very serious white matter brain disease. His only hope was a sibling transplant, and that was 1 in a million. His older brother was tested and found to be a perfect match. This young man had just finished Marine boot camp. He was flown by the military to Minn. Childrens and a bone marrow tx was done.
It was successful. If you can call it that. The little boy went through a year of regression from this child into a vegetable with no sight or hearing. He had undergone chemo as well. His whole body twisted inward. He had 16 IV bags hanging 24/7 and a feeding tube. My sister has had no help through this advanced medical care at home except for her 16 yr old son. It is now almost 3 years post transplant. Jack has regained some sight, alot of hearing, can speak a few words and stand with a stander. The docs gave him up for dead and told her to institutionalize him or let him die. He is a miracle.
When I read your story, I think of her and my little nephew. And I count the blessings we have. And I am always amazed and deeply humbled how you all manage this situation. I feel inspired and have to remind DH that "it can always be worse".
I wish there was something I could do for you, but all I can offer is a hug. My hat is off to you Dear Lady.
:cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the compliments.
I've always looked at us as lucky as it could always be worst (as you've said), for instance if he died from the kidney disease, it would be so painful as it's been eating away at him from the inside out, he has lost both kidneys plus the transplanted one, the kidney disease he has is a genetic thing that kills organs. It's moved because of the loss of kidneys to his vision, when the sun is shining he can't see a single thing outside. It's also ruined his teeth, we checked with his neph and he confirmed this is all from the disease. The cancer, I've been told will put him in a position where he won't be able to go to dialysis at some point. At that time, people have 48 hrs to come say goodbye, if they choose not to, it's not my problem. (most specifically, his family) after the 48 hrs, the toxins will become so great that he will become confused and will just go to sleep. I have been told this by a few doctors and my research on the web confirms it. It's the gentler, more dignified way. Hospice will be helping me the whole way. My husband is going to pass at home no matter what. He has spent way too much time in the hospitals.
I don't want him to hurt, they finally, finally just got the pain meds right, he can go for hours now without being in severe pain from the cancer. I am thrilled because for that time, I have my husband back. I've learned to run with whatever is given to me.
We have a few people who are angry that we're trying to have a good time instead of sitting home waiting to die. I'm sorry for those people. I won't have anything to apologize for or regret. I will have to answer in the end for any mistakes I make. We are learning to ignore those who seem to think we're macabre or just downright stupid. These are also the people I'm planning on putting out of my life afterward because I won't do negativity any more.
I thank you for all of the support, you don't know how much I cling to it to get me through this. I feel humbled that you have complimented me so. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Just so many hugs to you.
Don't let the nay-sayers get to you. Do what is best for the two of you in the time you have.
:cuddle;
I so admire your grace in the face of such obstacles. :grouphug;
Aleta
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KC, you both are amazing people. I also am humbled to read your posts and inspired by you to "grab" the good times while we can. You are both in my prayers. My biggest cyber hug is going out for you. :grouphug;
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Sister, you are right on. i have done same with the negative ones. good for you.
the story about the woman trying to pull out when your hubby was trying to get in the car from the wheelchair..wow made me very angry. i might have taken down her license plate, waited a day, then made an anonymous call to 911 reporting some drunk driver..of course i'd be smiling. you can't fix stupid but boy i like to try sometimes.
my sister does as you do. enjoys every minute, takes him shopping, out to eat, does not hide him away. makes no excuses. she has even had family members avoid her because as they said "we don't want to feel obligated to interact with him"..or "we don't want anyone to know about him". i am gritting my teeth here.
one call i was on, it was the beloved aunt of one of the young firefighters with us, she had passed peacefully while sitting on the couch watching tv. he asked us to to wait and call it in so he could have some time with her. we all went out and stood in the hallway and gave him the time he needed. don't regret it a bit and would do it in a heartbeat again.
know that we here love and care for you and your dear husband, and all we may be able to do is hug you and pray, we are backing you 100%. you are a very strong and very perceptive woman. and just a downright truly good person through and through. :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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You are both in my thoughts. I do not know what to say, you are one brave woman and he is one very loved man.
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Thinking of you. :grouphug;
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Your attitude towards "life", including the fact that it actually doesn't last forever, is inspirational and comforting to me. I love that you find a way to laugh despite everything and that you don't feel like you can't do new things.
I completely agree with this, but I couldn't have said it quite so eloquently.
*huggles*
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my gosh this is one of the most enspiring threads. for such a hard time to go through, you have brought such strength to others while 'living' this time of life yourself. I dont know how to explain that, but i can say that i thank you for your honesty and the way your living through this. I am soaking as much in as im able and will save for a time i wish would never come. Thanks, and God bless you for what your doing for hubby. You will live with peace in you when that time comes. :grouphug;
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We got power back at 3:53am this morning, thanks to Hurricane Irene. We were originally told we wouldn't get power back until next Wednesday!! Boy am I glad that wasn't the case. We did have water, one of the blessings of a community well. You learn how to take a very cold shower without feeling like you've stepped into a freezer..
Well, hubby started hospice Thursday. Yesterday, his oxygen was delivered so he can get comfortable at night to sleep. It seemed to have worked well, when the power came back on, he was sound asleep.
What I absolutely love about hospice is that everything is geared toward him. If he's in pain, let us know, we'll come out and make him comfortable, questions? No problem, 24/7 I can reach somebody. He is at peace after speaking with somebody the past 2 days. They even have social workers that will help me regarding his mother!!!! She won't be allowed to cause chaos because this is HIS time, they want us to have as much peace as possible. They want to keep him going as long as possible so we can keep going for rides, go out to dinner, etc.
They even agreed with me about people having 48 hrs to come see him one last time after his dialysis stops, it's not my problem if people don't show up and I refuse to take on that responsibility. I want nothing but peace and dignity for him. His mother creating a scene is not part of the game plan. The problem is that she is a victim/martyr. It's all about her and how she reacts. She refuses to take him to lunch because I would be with him. She refuses to come here to see him and she's been horrible to our daughter (the things she's said to my daughter) she even told our daughter, when Kelly snapped about good old granny calling her and asking her about her dad that he would call when he's ready. Granny then told her I refuse to call (30 yrs of being referred to as trash....wonder why I won't call???) but my girl told her that I'd been with my husband for 30 yrs, married 28 and how would she expect me to feel right now knowing I'm losing my husband...granny's response?? Well, your father dying is a slight problem. Slight problem??????? Get a clue lady! When she calls my husband all she wants to talk about is how he feels about dying. He won't talk to her because she can't have a real conversation with him. But, he is seeing how she's treated me for the 30 yrs.
But it's all good, things are going to be good going forward, I sighed with relief when they told me they would help me with his mother and keep her off of our backs. Everything I do, I clear with my husband. So there are no surprises. The difficult thing right now is the DNR. I don't know how I feel but I respect his decision.
He's gone out to breakfast with his buddy, I have so much housework to do, when you go 7 days with no power, the dust really accumulates. He's also looking to get a generator in so that if something like this happens ever again, I won't be stuck in the dark for a week. I am really touched that he thought of that.
Thank you so much for all the compliments, if we have to go through this, this is the best way to go, no regrets no "I wishes" he deserves the best and that is what I'm trying to do...
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Kitty Cat, Your post made me cry, it also made me happy for yo,u because things are going how you wanted them too. You will both be in my prayers.
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I am so very glad that you have hospice now. What a blessing they will be for your and your dear husband.
You will always be able to hold in your heart that you did what was best for him, regardless of what others think! What a tribute.
Dear lady, I'm sending you all the loving support I can, even though it is only through cyber space. Hold your head up, smile, and love your man. Hugs. Some tears, too. But love to you!
Aleta
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KC..I'm thinking of you. Sending lots of hugs and prayers still. :grouphug;
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So much can happen in such a short amount of time.
The cancer is winning, no doubt about that. He is so tired, I'm used to him coming home dialysis tired, kind of nap on the couch. Now he comes in and falls sound asleep on the couch. 3 hour minimum so dialysis nights have turned into sandwich/soup nights. No point in anything else, he has such a tiny diet. He's on fentanyl (sp?) for break through pain, so far so good.
He's lost so much weight, another 20 pounds in the last few weeks. I tried to take him to the beach last week, sadly the rain took care of that. I'm desperately trying to get him there one last time, it is a simple request, don't know why things can't cooperate for one day? I'm thinking it'll be a last second trip when it happens. I want him to see the beach one last time, have dinner at our favorite restaurant....very simple.
Sunday night I cooked dinner! I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but the recipe seemed easy enough that even I could figure it out, it turned out quite yummy!! Nobody was more shocked than I was! I made a lemon asparagus chicken, my hubby ate the majority of it but considering how much he dislikes asparagus, I was really surprised. I have a few other recipes to try, I picked up everything this morning after he left for dialysis. So I guess this means that I can cook! Who would've thought? :yahoo;
As for my attitude, I've got my bad days where I don't want to move, just cry. But I will never do this in front of him. He feels guilty enough about dying and leaving me alone. He has such a hard time walking now. He's very dependent on his wheelchair, I'm happy that he's using it but he gets upset that I walk down the garbage cans to the street on trash day, I do all the laundry now because he really can't walk up the stairs anymore, when he does, he'll get most of the way upstairs and pant something terrible.
We're still taking everything one day at a time, I have nothing else besides our faith. It kills me to see him in such pain when he lets the pain get ahead of him, the tumor has moved across his belly and has gone from the left side to the right side. His abdomen is huge. This also causes the breathing issues. Everything seems to be pushing up under his ribs. it causes the diaphragm to not work the way it should. That's what we've been told. It's not kidney talk so I really don't understand it!
We're still plugging along, I hadn't updated in a while, I wanted to give you the latest on what has been happening here. I also want to thank you for all of your support, it truly helps knowing that your good wishes are with us all the time.
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Thanks so much for the update. Oh, I just can't imagine what you must be feeling these days, watching your dear husband suffer. I wish I had the words to take all of your pain away. :cuddle;
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
I just wish I could reach through cyber space and give you a real, long, heart-felt hug. You are so strong, but I know you could use some REAL support some times. :cuddle;
I'll be thinking of you.
:flower;
Aleta
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Kitty, you are SO brave and your love for your dear hubby is awesome to see. I just know that you'll have a day real soon that you can load him up and surprise him with a day at the beach. Though this part of life can be dark and overwhelming, it also can build some very special memories for you.
Thanks for the update, I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. :cuddle;
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We did it!!! We made it to the beach today!!! The temperatures weren't bad, but I had him wrapped up tight in a heavy blanket, the sky is this beautiful blue that you don't get to see too often and you could see forever. It was so amazing, we had a really nice lunch and I brought him home. He slept most of the way but I was completely fine with that.
I can't even describe what it was like to see him light up when he saw the ocean. It was everything for my heart. On the way home I started thinking how bittersweet today is, but I held it together. This is one of the best days we've had, I am going to hold tight to it dearly knowing what is coming.....
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What a wonderful gift today was for your husband AND for you! :grouphug;
I'm so glad you made this happen. I'm sure your husband is, too. And what a special memory it will be for you.
:cuddle;
Aleta
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I was so glad to read this post. It hurts me so much what your living through and i cried through your prior post and just couldnt respond. Bless your heart now and forever and bring you peace for all your doing. I hold my hubby extra tight these days. I already hurt the hurt and fight it daily. Sending love and prayers... :grouphug;
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KC, I was so glad to see your post about your day at the beach. I know how badly you wanted to do this and YOU DID IT! What a special time for you both. My prayers are with you. :grouphug;
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kITTYCAT I do not know what to say, my heart goes out to you both. I am so glad that you managed to get to the ocean and that you had a good day. You will both be in my prayers. Bless you.
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:bow; I love the beach story. It's great for you both. I pray you find more joyful moments. :cuddle;
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It is amazing the wonders that the ocean can bestow.
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Sadly, this update isn't so upbeat. He's struggling to do simple things like put on his own jacket, get dressed and has lost at least 20 pounds more. He's declining faster than I'd ever like to admit.
Thursday night, the social worker sat me down to face what is coming, gave me a list of things I need (I have all) to get his death certificate afterward. Also where to go to have him cremated, etc. It was like a huge slap in the face. I've thrown myself into this so deep that I didn't have to face what was coming. In the meantime, to try and cope, I've withdrawn into myself. I do that very well.
I do know for certain that hospice is going to have to be here a lot more starting in another week or so. I want to sit and cry, but I can't do that....not yet. My daughter left this morning with the kids for home, I know she can't live here but I don't think she has any idea how much I appreciate her help. I thank her all the time...
Thank you for all of your support-it's what gets me through this...
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Latecomer here but just read through the thread and wow, what an amazing woman you are. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your journey with us.
My thoughts will be with you, truly. i'm glad that you have some help with hospice care - hopefully it will make the coming days and weeks a little easier to deal with.
Bev
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If i could wrap my arms around you and make it all go away, i would do that so gladly. My insides burn when i read this and i pray for you strength and peace. This makes me hurt so much for you :(
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Let hospice help you as much as possible. :cuddle;
It must be so difficult for your daughter, too. I'm sure she'd love to be able to stay and look after her mom and dad, but she has her own kids she needs to look after. It must have been very hard on her to have to leave you.
I wish there was more we could all do for you. We are here for whenever you need us.
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Kitty Cat, I am so incredibly sorry. Lean on us as much and as hard as possible. We desperately want to ease any of the burden that we can, offer whatever solace can be had from listening as you let your thoughts and fears out.
I am wishing you peace and love through this difficult time.
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I am so sorry. {{{HUG}}}
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:'(
I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to say goodbye to your daughter and grandchildren. Or how hard it was for her to leave.
I just wish we all could do more than lend our emotional support. I know that helps, but it is not enough. So lean on Hospice as much as you can or need to. And lean on us, too.
Kitty Cat, you are living with no regrets. And that is a wonderful gift to your husband. :cuddle;
Aleta
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Thank you all so much for the encouragement, I wish you knew how much it helps me.
My daughter has been putting her life on hold, I've been trying to get her moving in to her own life again, I love having them here but I know it can't be that way. She lives on the other side of the state, so it's an hour trip for her to come here. She's going to come back next weekend, because her husband works crazy Saturday hours every week. He's been amazing, very supportive of her being here also. I can't ever thank him enough for that.
Hospice is ordering a hospital bed tomorrow, we're going to put the bed downstairs, my daughter wants to use that vs the futon she has now. I'm okay with that-I think. I have my own bed & room so I'm all set.
The hospice nurse made a comment today that I've lost even more weight, she can see it in my face, how it's thinned out so much, it certainly can't hurt me to lose this much but now when I smack my elbow, I can really feel it! At least it's a bit funny :) why is it that it's called a "funny bone"? lol
I'm also taking over the meds. He's been doing it himself up to this point, I think he accidently took too much of something last night, for the life of me I couldn't wake him. It took 20 minutes to get him to respond. He says he took his ambien too late, maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But once I take care of it, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I have some errands to run tomorrow, I will get it then.
I really thought I could handle all of this, I'm finding I'm not prepared for this kind of loss. This is somebody I have loved for more than half of my life. This is somebody who I have really grown up with, we've experienced so much of life together. I wrote his obituary a few days ago and with my daughter's help, tweaked it to where we want it. I know I won't be in any condition to do that later, plus this says what WE want it to say, not somebody who doesn't know him.
I wish I could say family has been cooperative, but that's a fairy tale. All I want is peace, I'm not bothering anybody, not causing any kind of trouble-I don't have the energy for it, but there are still shots at me. Really????? 30 yrs later and we're still going to play this game? I blew up yesterday like I never have before, told them all to leave me the hell alone, the only one I'm concerned with is my husband, nobody else counts. Never before have I done that. I have him to take care of, if they can't give us the peace we need, then stay out of our lives.
What I forgot to mention is that we had our portrait taken professionally on Thursday. He was a trooper considering how he was hurting, but I have those memories. I'm also going to receive a CD of the session so I can create my own pictures if I want to later. I should have those in another week or so. They came out really well. I can't wait.
I'm sorry to sound so down, I'm trying to get balanced out again, but it is so hard to get back to that point in my heart. I still stay upbeat around him, reality has kicked me in the hiney big time.
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Kitty Cat, You are one brave lady, I feel for you both, I hope God speeds his release. I will be praying for you both.
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:grouphug;
Kitty Cat, you are an extraordinary person. I am happy for your triumphs (your trip to the beach) in the face of such tragedy. Live in the moment and I hope for little bright spots for you and and your husband.
Alene
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:grouphug; bless your heart. And God give you strength to get through this. :grouphug;
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we are at the end. Everything fell apart yesterday afternoon at dialysis, he was so weak when he came home he couldn't drive his electric wheelchair in the house, I had a friend help me out to get him in the house and get him into bed.
Hospice came & checked him out, thankfully he slept most of the night. I on the other hand, only slept for about 3 hrs, my brain feels like oatmeal right now.
Our priest left about a half an hour ago, he gave him last rites. Tomorrow he won't be taking dialysis, so it's a matter of a couple days. He'll be out of pain, but I can't imagine going down this road without him.
Thank you for all the support you've given me, it's meant more than you know. I wish I could have given you a better ending, considering how many times he's beaten the odds. I guess it can't happen that way this time.
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:grouphug; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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Kitty Cat ~ :( I am so sorry, this must be such a challenge and I wish things were different. You have done an amazing job and your husband is fortunate to have you in his life. All I can do is send a {{{HUG}}} - thinking of you often.
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Oh, Kitty Cat.
I have tears in my eyes as I write this. You have been a beacon of strength and a font of comfort to your husband. That means so much.
I wish there were a happy-ever-after ending.
:grouphug; to YOU!
and :cuddle; to your husband.
I will have you on my mind.
Aleta
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Kittycat. You are both in my thoughts.
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The only thing worse than losing a loved one is watching him suffer.
I hope your husband will have peace until the very end and that peace for you will come soonafter. You have a whole community of well-wishers here to support and comfort you as best we can. :grouphug;
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Wishing Peace to you both during this time! So sorry to hear this! You fought a good fight, don't ever think that you didnt! You are his Angel!
lmunchkin
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Bless you and may you find comfort and peace... This hurts :pray;
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:grouphug; KK, I am thinking of you and your husband during this incredibly difficult time.
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:pray; Angels watch over you.
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:grouphug; :grouphug;
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Kitty Cat, I'm sending prayers of peace for you both. You have been through so much, both of you, that I pray the outcome here is peace. :cuddle;
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I have been praying for you. May you feel Jesus near at this time. :cuddle; And be assured that your IHD family is with you all the way. :grouphug;
You have been showing wonderful strength, Kitty Cat. I love how you try to do things that will be wonderful memories - trip to the beach, photographs. One request is that you post a photograph here for us.
Lots of love and concern go out to you.
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:grouphug;
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Both of you are in my prayers every night. you are a very srong woman. :grouphug;
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I keep checking in - wanting to see a new post by you, but not wanting to either.
I'm not sure I'm as strong but your example would inspire me to try.
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My prayers and hugs of comfort are standing strongly by you and your husband. I'm somewhat familiar with what you have been going through. My sister went through this with her husband - cancer. It is so incredibly hard on you mentally and physically. She always told me she tried her best not to cry in front of him. She wanted all the times together to be the happiest they could be. It sure sounds like you did that for yourself and your husband. God Bless
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I keep checking in - wanting to see a new post by you, but not wanting to either.
I'm not sure I'm as strong but your example would inspire me to try.
My thoughts exactly. :'(
Kitty Cat, I think of you and your husband all the time. :grouphug;
Aleta
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Im here too, always thinking of you, always praying for you... I thought of you so much last night and wished i could make it all better. I cant believe we all have to face this in one aspect or another. us, our spouce, our children. Such unbleaveable hard spot to be in. I pray it's easy for both of you.. :grouphug;
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last update......
I lost the love of my life tonight. Mark passed at 9:13pm est. He went in peace, you could see that all over his face.
The nurse told us we were close to the end, previously he asked for a priest for a final blessing. We found a wonderful priest to come to him and he couldn't respond but his face relaxed. After the priest left, we stayed with him and brought Abbey (our dog who is beyond devoted to him) I put his hand on Abbey's fur like he was petting her and he died right after that.
I'm so happy it was in peace, that's all I wanted for him, he deserved at least that. I keep going by the room and checking on him...I think I expect him to sit up, laugh and say Ha Gotcha!!! But it hasn't happened yet.
I'm so heart sick right now, I will try and post a little later, I need to pull it together and try to get my head back in its spot.
Thank you all for the support, you are the folks who kept me on the road so that I could do this....thank you.
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Oh, my dear Kitty Cat...
All of our love to you and to your dear, dear husband. He has found his peace. I so hope you soon find peace for yourself.
I am so very sorry.
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I am at a loss for words. I know there is nothing for me to say that will make your loss easier. :grouphug; :grouphug; You will be in my thoughts and prayers
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KittyCat, I am in tears as I write this but also so glad that his passing was peaceful. Though it is a hard time for you, the two of you have made so many wonderful memories that will last into eternity. You were each given a special blessing in the past few weeks. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. :cuddle;
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I am crying, too. And even though we knew that this would be the final outcome, it is still with profound sadness that we read about your loss.
Oh Kitty Cat. You did so much to bring peace a beauty to Mark's last days. Now what can we do for you? Holding your hand spiritually through these hard days seem so little for us to do. I wish, I WANT for there to be more that we could do to support you through this time.
Cyber hugs and loving thoughts are surely coming your way, dear lady.
:grouphug;
Aleta
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Kittycat, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad Mark was at home with the ones he loved and went in peace. I will be thinking about you. Take comfort in the fact you could not have done more for him than you did. Sending love.
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I, too, am in tears as I read of his passing. May the Lord give you much comfort at this time. You fought a good fight. With the others of the IHD family, I wish there was more I could do. But please be constantly assured that you are not going through this alone. Your IHD family is with you all the way. :grouphug;
I am praying that you and the rest of the family find a special peace at this time.
Please inform us of final arrangements. :cuddle;
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Add me to the list with tissue in hand and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I read your post. The fact it was not unexpected doesn't make it any easier to read.
You did everything humanly possible to make his time, well, good. Please try and take some time to look after yourself - no doubt the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion you have been holding off through this will hit.
Bev
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:grouphug; :cuddle; :grouphug; I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Words fail me, dear Kitty Cat.
Please know that you are in our thoughts. Peace and love to you and yours.
I can well imagine that Mark is so grateful that you were able to face his illness and his passing with such calm determination. You gave him a priceless gift in keeping by him until the end. May he rest in peace.
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Our precious kittycat... I wish for you peace and understanding that what you did for you dear hubby was the greatest gift you could ever give. Through all our tears, i hope that some of ours will save some of yours and that you will heal soon be comforted. Your pain is shared with us, and know you are loved and admired by us all. With love and prayers, jill :pray; :grouphug;
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My thoughts and prayers are with you Kitty Cat. I am writing this with tears steaming down my face, knowing there are no words or actions that can take away your pain. I am glad he is finally in peace. :grouphug;
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So Sorry Kitty Cat! He is at peace now and looking down at his devoted Angel! You were a loyal wife and was with him all the way, and he knew that!
Again Sorry for your loss!
:grouphug; & :pray; to you and your family during this time.
lmunchkin
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Kitty Cat, I am so sorry for your loss.
*huggles*
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Kitty I have been following you and your husband's journey...I am so sorry for your loss!!! Thinking of you friend!
xo,
R
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I couldn't open this thread because I knew what it meant.
We lose folks around here, but it never gets easier.
I am so glad you were able to be there for him Kitty Cat.
I am sorry he's gone but the sweet idea of his last touch being your hand and your pups fur makes me know that he had gentle and loving end to his life.
Best wishes and love to you, take care.
:grouphug;
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My deepest condolences Kitty Kat. :grouphug;
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Deepest condolences. :grouphug;
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My condolences Kitty Kat.
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I'm so sorry Kitty... :'(. :grouphug;
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Thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts.
Got home about an hour ago from the service, it was beautiful. I didn't expect it to be that awesome. Our priest gave a really amazing eulogy, he knew Mark well, very well. My daughter gave a very heart wrenching yet funny eulogy also.
The people who came out were there for Mark, for his love of life and his funny nature. Even the day he passed, his wisdom to our daughter was to "make sure mom doesn't eat stouffers!!" I was floored, but knowing how I won't cook for myself, I understand his comment. However, I said to my daughter, those were his words of wisdom to you????? She thought it was hysterically funny.
The week before Mark died, we had our pictures professionally taken for the church directory. Once those come in the mail, I will post our favorite for you.
This site is truly an amazing entity. Over the years with the dialysis issues, family issues, etc. You have helped my family and myself more than I ever thought possible. You will always be in my heart and I will keep checking in. I start my social worker classes in Jan 2012, I can't wait to get started!
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Oh, I am so glad to hear that he had an awesome homegoing! Kitty Cat, so glad to hear that you are starting your course. That will definitely help you. Please remember that your IHD family is always there for you. :grouphug; we expect regular updates.
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Good Luck in your future endeavors, please check in often, we are family here.
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Kitty Cat, may your loving memories buoy you through the coming days and months.
You are going to be an awesome social worker. :cuddle; And I'm so glad you have something to look forward to. Your best tribute to Mark is to continue to live your life to the fullest with his memory alive in your heart.
:grouphug;
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kittycat, I wish you all the very best for the future. Mark was very lucky to have had such a wonderful wife, and you a wonderful husband. Cherish the good memories you both shared. I am so pleased you will be starting your course in January, you will be awesome. Please keep popping in. God bless you and your family.
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If I could, I would wrap the softest blanket around your heart....
You are surrounded by love.
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If I could, I would wrap the softest blanket around your heart....
And I would do the same for you. :cuddle;
Aleta
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:cuddle; Thanks for sharing... And all the best to you always.... please do check in with us as you can continue to be 'our' inspiration :cuddle;
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WIth your life experience, what an empathetic social worker you will be.
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The words of wisdom cracked me up - what a funny guy. Best wishes for great new chapters in your life, along with good memories of the past.
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Oh Dear! I just checked in and read the sad news. My condolences to you, Kitty Cat. I feel for you in your sorrow.
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I read through this whole thread yesterday. It may me cry, it made me smile, it made me remember some things I'd forgotten..
Normally, I keep a diary. I have since the early 90's. I love it because when I look back on it I can see how things, including myself have changed over the years. I can also put things in perspective that I may not have been able to at the time.
Because this summer was so high energy trying to keep things going, I didn't write in my diary even once. I actually did that through this forum and pretty thoroughly too. I printed it off yesterday to keep with everything from this summer.
I received the pictures, they came out beautifully, but it hurts to look at them..I've put them back in the box for now, once I can look at them, I will post our favorite. I'm so grateful that we were able to see them before they were ordered.
I also forgot to mention, at the service, I walked into the church and they were really and truly playing Don't Worry, Be Happy!! It made so many people smile, including myself. Our Priest made mention of the fact that Mark had requested that song as it reflected his personality.
We were hit with a freak snowstorm the day after the service. Power went out here, I lost everything in the freezer and refrigerator (again-this was the 2nd storm in less than 3 months). I had the generator finished up, got it running 30 minutes before the power came back on here. :2thumbsup; so I'm learning all the stuff I never had to worry about before, we're still cleaning up from that storm, so many trees and branches down, my yard looks like a disaster zone but it's wood for next year! Unfortunately, there are so many people in our state without power still, 10 days later. Bad management through the electric company.
I'm doing okay, I've been told I'm rushing it trying to get through the grieving process. There are some days better than others, my cooking skills have improved, but sandwiches are still the best and easiest :rofl;
I hope all of you, my dear friends, have a wonderful day...I"m still looking at each day as a blessing-except during those few days I didn't have power, but thankfully that's behind me..
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Kittykat, So nice to hear that you are managing to get through the day, it must be hard. Don't try and rush the grieving it will be with you for a long long time. Take it one day at a time. So you are brushing up on your cooking skills are you, don't forget if you cook it, you eat it. You sound like you are also getting good at DIY another thing we have to learn when our loved ones are not here. Remember we are stronger than we think, but don't forget to ask for help when you need it. Thanks for coming back to let us know how you are doing. God bless you.
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Kitty Cat,
:grouphug;
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is just YOUR way. :cuddle;
There will be times that it blindsides you, though. :grouphug;
I'm sorry about the storm. It hit so many folks. Nobody needed that, and it must have been so hard having to face it without Mark. :waving;
So if you are eating sandwiches you aren't eating Stouffer's, right? :2thumbsup;
I think of you often.
Aleta
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I am so sorry to hear this. I pray for your strength as well as his. It is both brave and sweet for you to take on having him at home. Having worked oncology for years, Hospice nurses are usually wonderful. Please know I will continue to remember you as you face this journey and yes sometimes it goes to hour at a time instead of day at a time :)
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KC, you are so brave to be facing all this at one time. I would be running for the nearest hotel, I think. You are continually in my prayers, my friend.
:grouphug;
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So glad to hear from you again, Kittycat. :cuddle;
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So, here we are, 8 days away from a year since Mark passed on. What a year it's been.
I have learned so very much, I've learned I can go on alone, I don't have to like it, but it's doable. I've have completely changed my attitude, I appreciate every single day, I truly enjoy all experiences. I'm happier than I'd been, I keep in mind at all times that life is so truly short, I need to grab on and hold on for the ride. This was something I did before, however, now it's almost like a mantra for me.
I learned that I will not give up my character for a job or anything else. I worked a horrific job for 2 months back at the beginning of the year. As of today, I have finished week 3 in a completely different field (new job I found) and I love it! I am so incredibly happy there and all the people I work with are fantastic. It's a huge change, but a beneficial one to my life. My life is so peaceful now, I can't even explain the difference. It's great. If somebody told me back in January that I'd be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed them.
As much as I love Mark, I've decided that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Someday, I may meet somebody, I've discussed it with my daughter and she wants me to get out there to find somebody who enjoys what I enjoy.
My peace comes from a waterfall we found while hiking. When we got to the end of the trail, it was there in all its glory and I discovered that I could walk out and stand under the waterfall. It was amazing! It made my soul feel like it had a new chance and I felt like I was born again. I was soaked through and through, but it was so incredibly exhilarating.
The funny thing is my cooking has gotten better, much better. I'm not afraid to cook for others, I figure if I haven't killed or given myself ecoli, I'm doing something right! Plus, I'm not eating Stouffers, that was Mark's biggest fear! :rofl;
It's been hard, I still don't understand why this is my road, but if I don't make the best of it, then I cheat myself out of life. When Mark was alive, all those years we made the best out of everything. This is something I can do now for myself. My goal of going back to school is something I still want to accomplish, with my new job, it is really possible! I'm so excited about whatever life hands me next.
Don't get me wrong, I would never wish what we went through on anybody, if I had to do all of this over again for Mark, I would in a heart beat without even thinking about it. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that he is gone. I still can't give away his things, they are exactly where he left them. If I ever get to it, they'll be given away, but that is still a bridge I don't want to cross.
I still go into Walmart, forgetting that he's not home and start looking for tee shirts or jeans for him, then WHAM! Right between the eyes, it clicks in. I usually get out of the store right away before the tears start.
I am very proud of the accomplishments I've made. I'm proud of the steps that I have yet to make. It feels so good to be on a solid road again.
I also thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Your encouragement has helped me so much, you've cheered me on and sat with me while I cried. My accomplishments are also YOUR accomplishments. I don't know how much I could have done without you backing me up the whole way. You've no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of you. :grouphug;
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God I love you kitty cat. Will get back w ya when at computer. Much love and gratitude for what you share. god bless you
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Thank you so much for this wonderful update. I'm really grateful to hear that you are healing. :cuddle;
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Just came back to tell you AGAIN ;D how much i appreciate all you've shared with us. This is such a scarry path, and you have helped me tremendously by sharing your experience... You are wonderful, and you'll be hearing from me shortly ;) :cuddle; and much love, and so glad/happy to hear of your growth and happyness.. :cuddle;
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So good to hear from you, kitty kat. You are an inspiration.
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Kitty Cat,
You continue to amaze and inspire me. :cuddle;
I am so very happy to read that you are at peace and finding joy in life. You know in your heart that Mark would have wanted that.
I hear you about the cooking. I have never been much of a cook (okay, my food was edible, but not inspired). But during a long illness when I was unable to work, I had the time and just enough energy to wander through new recipes. :2thumbsup; And I found that cooking is fun and delicious! :rofl;
Keep going on your journey. I imagine it will be a while before you aren't blind-sided by emotions at times, but that simply means you still have your precious memories.
I'm glad you posted. :waving;
Aleta
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Awe it is so good to hear & read this from you Kit Kat. It is of no surprise to me that God has Blessed you for your true devotion to Mark. He passed with Dignity and is at rest. The Lord knows your heart, better than anyone else. He saw the struggles you went through and how you & Mark dealt with them. Im sure Mark would approve of your moving on and Living your life to the fullest. And yes, things are very different in your eyes now. You know and Value every inch of breath you take.
You & Mark went through alot together. You have been Blessed my dear. Enjoy those Blessings!
God Bless,
lmunchkin :kickstart;
P.S. Thanks so much for letting us share this with you! You are a Jewel, and everyone knows this!
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I have read every page of this thread, crying the whole time. So sorry for your loss but so happy to see you trudging on. It is an inspiration to us all. I can only hope to have a beautiful love like you and he shared. Good luck for your future and I wish you much happiness....you deserve it... :grouphug;
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Kit kat - I am so glad to hear that you are doing better.
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Kitty Cat: It's been a while since I've been on IHD and today was the best day for me to see your post and read how far you've come. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many others. You keep on going forward and enjoying every moment of every day. I think of you often and am glad you let us hear from you.
My biggest cyber hug is coming your way! :cuddle;
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Kitty Cat: So lovely to hear from you again. I am so proud of the way you are handling your life. You take care.
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Wow, time certainly does slip by doesn't it? There has been so, so much happening and some good, some not so.
My cooking is awesome!! I am amazed by the fact that not only I can cook, but I really like it too!! I have made a spiral ham for Easter, the family loved it, I can make a phenomenal pot roast and country style ribs, I'm also experimenting with a few things. Very cool.
My job is great, I've been in a small factory for almost a year now and I love it. The work is good and so are the people. You can't ask for better.
I'm learning to do what I want to do by myself instead of looking for people to go with me, this coming Friday, I will be heading to the beach by myself, I will also buy dinner at this restaurant my daughter and I discovered last summer and take that to the place Mark and I always went. I'll be at my own mercy, I'm positive it'll be okay.
I met somebody who I thought was a good match for me, he was very sweet, he gave up his lunch time twice to get ice for my finger when I broke it (yep, some things just don't change..lol) and in the end, flipped out on me because I goof around with my co worker, which is how we meet our goals, by singing, cutting jokes and such. Totally harmless, the guy is almost 25 yrs younger and he will never be anything more than a good friend at work. So the guy I liked (and who really liked me, he even came over for dinner...this is how I found my pot roast was phenomenal) became really jealous and I will not be told who I can talk to or not talk to, so that was that. Glad I found out early enough before a relationship was formed, but I've also thrown in the towel and have resigned myself into being single the rest of my days. Once I'm used to the idea, I'll be fine, right now...it's tough.
Mark and I would have been married for 30 years this year. I'm very aware of this as August approaches. I had also joined a widow/widowers group. They had a picnic at the beautiful park where we were married. I purposely showed up very early to go to the spot where we were married. I didn't know how I was going to handle it and wanted to give myself time. I went up on the bridge where we had some photos taken after we were married, a breeze kicked up and surrounded me. I felt Mark's presence and made peace with the fact that he is gone. I felt him pushing me to move on, yet that he will always be with me. I can't use his death to hide anymore. I felt so completely at peace, I didn't cry like I was sure I would, I felt very light, free and happy. I'm good with what happened. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly and right now am struggling with this because next week I will turn 50, he will not be here to celebrate with me, so I've been pushing my friends away who want to celebrate with me. I have to try but don't know how. This happens a lot and I'm still in counseling for all of it.
I also lost my Smudgie, he's the tall kitty in my avatar. All of my kitties are indoor only, he ended up with a kitty disease called FIP, which is transmitted in utero while he was being carried. There is no test to see if he had it, it became a matter of ruling out everything else, by that time he was so sick, the vet told me we hit the end of the road. I was (am) devastated. Smudge came into my life in 2005, right after Mark's transplant and before he spent a month in the hospital. Smudge was my constant and I told the vet that I felt I was losing another little piece of Mark with Smudgie's passing. I was inconsolable for days. However, at the beginning of June, I adopted Cosmo, who is 4 yrs old and spent way too much time in the shelter. (I volunteer at this shelter when I can) He's fitting in, but he has an awful lot of similarities to Smudge which catch me off guard and make me stop and stare. But I am happy that I adopted him.
Now for the really good, I rode a roller coaster for the first time in my life in May. My daughter was with me, I wasn't nervous and held on for everything I was worth. The roller coaster went up, then dropped and when it did, it felt like I was being launched from my seat. My daughter told me I didn't make any noise at all, but I turned the whitest shade of white she's ever seen. I wasn't scared, I kind of liked it, but am so seriously proud of myself for trying something this new.
I also dyed my hair purple. everybody I knew said it looked really good, but people who didn't know me acted like I was going to mug them in the nearest dark alley!! I don't judge people, so needless to say I was stunned that I was judged, very harshly too. I may do it again with my birthday coming up, I think it'd be a goof to have purple hair when I have to get my license renewed!! lol!! :rofl;
I have been working on learning to repair things in the house, so far I haven't blown anything up. This is very good in my book, although how I broke my finger is that instead of waiting a half hour for somebody to come help me put the air conditioner in the window, I did it myself. The problem came in when the back side of the window stuck down and I yanked very hard on the front side to put it behind the bar on the a/c. I realized in that split second that I shouldn't have done that. My finger turned this amazing shade of purple and they were nice enough to splint it for me at work, which really helped. I'm completely impressed that I didn't get angry nor did I drop the a/c out the window!!
There is still a long way to go, I'm learning, some things I despise having to learn and a lot of the time I hate being alone. I miss talking to him and holding his hands. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that again!! I feel like I should be able to do more in the almost 2 yrs that Mark has been gone and sometimes feel like an utter failure. As I've been told, this is all new to me and it's going to take a long while, I just need to learn to be patient and it will come with time. Sadly, time is all I have. I'm still going one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. That was what I did on Mark's birthday (june 10). I was okay knowing it was coming and that morning, I lost it and spent the better part of the day trying to stop crying. My supervisor is an awesome friend and she was there for me every step of the way. I'm so grateful for her.
I hope I don't sound too lost, I've made large areas of progress, some not so much (like repairs). Somedays I feel so incredibly lost without Mark-it's enough to get out of bed, but I do and I go on. I can't go backward. I guess time will help and I do have to see that I am on a good path instead of worrying about what I can't do.
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With all of our talks kitcat, i still am crying at this.. You have gone where I so dread to go and your doing a beautiful job of carring on. I sit here and look at my Bo, and am just broken at times. I thank you and am grateful to you for more than i can express for all you've continued to do for me. Oh God give us strength... With love, jill
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What an awesome post, Kitty Cat! You have always been such an inspiration to me. Your posts are filled with grace and endurance. I know that moving forward is not always easy, but you have done it and my hat is off to you!
I'm so sorry about Smudge, but thrilled about your job. It makes a world of difference as you know from your previous job! And you never know, now that you have accepted that you will not find someone to love, you may be surprised when/if it does happen! I hope so.
Kuddos to you.
Aleta
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I completely second everything Aleta said. You're an amazing woman.
I want to see the purple hair!!
;D
Many *huggles* x
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I completely second everything Aleta said. You're an amazing woman.
I want to see the purple hair!!
;D
Many *huggles* x
I want to see the purple hair, too!
It's so good to hear from you, Kitty Cat.
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Here is the purple hair!! lol!! I loved it!! I really did, it was so neat to do something I'd never done before!
Thank you for the compliments, this is one road I sure wouldn't have ever picked, it's more a matter of "I have to do this..." and in some cases, it works out well, in others...well..not so much.
I had been friends with my manager from the bank for I don't know how many years now, she became very disappointed in me because I chose to leave banking permanently and move into factory work-where I'm really happy. I dropped her off of facebook, let's face it, life is short enough without somebody making you feel bad by being disappointed in you. I chose to move forward without that hanging over my head.
Today, I had to work right next to the guy I thought was a good match, he wasn't even an arms length away because of the machinery we were using. He was so uncomfortable with me there, I couldn't help but giggle. I'm not holding a grudge or bad feelings, it happened, it's done, but I think he still likes me and I don't want to know anything. So I kept talking away to him, like I do my other coworkers and I could feel him tense up and hear in how he was suddenly impatient that he wasn't enjoying himself.
I really love that I'm so willing to try new things, the roller coaster and such, my friends are desperately trying to get me to go sky diving on my birthday. I refuse and refuse some more!! That's a little beyond me...yet! I love how I can cook, Mark would be so proud of my skills..do you know I'm still finding pans that he hid on me so I wouldn't ruin them on him??? lol. I wish, more than anything on this planet that he was still here. I have another birthday coming up without him, there is nothing worst than that feeling. I wanted to hide for my birthday, my friends became hurt because they felt I wasn't giving them a chance, they're right. I've now thrown myself in this, I'm hoping all goes well.
I thank everyone here at IHD, over the years, you've helped pick me up, you have listened while I cried and cheered me on while I'm trying to pick up the pieces and create a new life. Without all of you, I couldn't have done this. You are all so very dear to me, you'll never know just how much...
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OMG! The purple hair is great! Good for you for trying it. :2thumbsup;
Keep on keeping on, Kitty Cat. That is all there is to do. The saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger is so very true and you are a perfect example.
And I have to laugh - sky diving? Nope, I would never do that either! :rofl; :rofl;
If you keep up the normal interactions with your "guy" he will most likely get more comfortable again. But there is a certain humor in the situation. :clap;
Mark WOULD be proud of your cooking. I didn't really start to enjoy cooking until this past year when I was too sick to work. I could sit and browse Pinterest and I found some easy, yet yummy recipes. Funny how bad things can bring you good things.
Sending support. :cuddle;
Aleta
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OMG! I just fell off my chair. Purple hair is not the way to go. Try a shaven head look, no maintenance and no cooties!
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I love purple hair :clap; :2thumbsup;
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galvo, the day it's fashionable for woman to shave their heads, I'll probably be in line!! no maintenance!!! lol
I've decided not to dye my hair purple for my license, I'm going to try being grown up for a bit (boo, hiss) and see what happens.
With the long hours we put in to have Friday off, Thursday I stayed very low key. I was incredibly tired so I did whatever I felt like. In the 3 days we worked, my coworker and I made over 1100 parts. That's what we do in 5 days, so we did really great. It felt good to get things out on time.
My challenge tonight is going to be to use this nifty plumbers tape, recommended by the hardware store, to stop the leak in the pipe downstairs again. Keep your fingers crossed that it works. I have my doubts, however, I don't know enough about it to say it doesn't work.. the guys at the hardware store are awesome, they've known us for years and they've gone all out to make sure I get the help I need without anybody laughing at me!! Gotta love it!!
I didn't get to the beach. It's been so incredibly hot here, I couldn't stand the thought of getting in the car and spending an hour and a half on the road to get there and then bake in the sun. There are more weekends, I'll wait until it cools down just a little bit. In fact, I just received a text from a friend who is at the beach for the weekend and invited me down tomorrow. I'm supposed to go somewhere with another friend, so I'll wait and see if those plans stay firm. With this other friend, things can fall apart at a moments notice!!
I've been having a very difficult time with my upcoming birthday. I've been stressed that Mark isn't here for it again, so much so that I've been having dreams about him, begging him to please come home, he's been gone long enough. He keeps telling me that he wants to come home so very badly, but he can't. In my dream I don't understand why but when I wake up, it hits me and I usually cry about it. I bought a birthday cake for myself today, a woman in the store asked (very randomly) if I was having a birthday party, I told her that my birthday was coming up and I had nobody to celebrate it with so I was going to do so by myself. she said "oh that's a good girl" but even I thought that sounded awfully pathetic. I'm going to be 50, which is okay, I sure don't act my age, probably never will. In some ways, I'm looking forward to it, but the alone part, I am not looking forward to. Just have to wait and see.
Now, the jealous guy, I called him Wed. night to ask a question..like I said, I'm not treating him any different than I ever did, we spent 3 1/2 hours on the phone!!! I have never talked to anybody that long ever!! The air is cleared, he told me that he will be putting my new sump pump in when I get it and I'm hoping that things can stay okay. He freaked about my coworker on Wednesday in front of the coworker, so I had to explain what was going on to my coworker and he thought it was the funniest thing he'd heard yet. But, I think I got the message through to him that there is nothing going on with anybody and there will NOT be either. That includes him. Like I said, I've thrown the towel in and have decided to stay by myself. So far, so good. I despise being alone for holidays and birthdays. I'll learn as time goes on.
I did my grocery shopping today, I picked up green peppers that I'll hollow out, putting in rice & burger. They get baked and at the end, some cheese added to this mixture. It's an experiment but I am up for the challenge!! Not sure when I'll do it this week, but I'm ready for anything!! lol I also picked up thin pork chops, a whole chicken (I make a really amazing roasted chicken) also another pot roast, along with country style ribs. i picked up potatoes, red & Idaho white, to make my onioned potatoes, also a good one for me...I'm looking this over as I'm typing it and can't believe how excited I am to make these dishes! Very nice!!
Have an awesome afternoon, if you're in an area where it's cooler than here, enjoy the breeze for me. lol
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Kitty, during my illness this past year I found cooking therapeutic. It sounds like you will, too.
We had cool and rainy today....for 250 miles of travel pulling a 30 foot camper. We made it home in a window between down-pours and got the camper backed into its spot without getting stuck in the yard, just before the heavens opened up again. I would take some of your hot right now! Last year when we were driving home it got to 110! On second thought, I think I keep the cool and rainy! :clap;
I'm glad your friend has settled out some. You don't need the added stress - no one does. :cuddle;
Enjoy the rest of your long weekend. You deserve it.
And have sweet dreams. :grouphug;
Aleta
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I have some excellent news!! I am going back to college, starting in January. I am going back to school for Medical Billing & Coding. I've been accepted, I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday (24th) to finish up all the paperwork and to do my math placement test. I didn't do so well at it all those years ago.
I am so incredibly excited I can't properly express it. I had a little difficulty once it really hit that I was going to start school that I did this on my own, it somehow didn't seem right to do this without Mark sharing it with me. I am working through it, but I can't let anything stop me. I am very proud of myself, I've learned over the past few months that because people are in your life doesn't mean that they're there for you. So I'm making my divisions from those who from those who are not there for me. I've done it in the past, I'm doing it again. I need to, this is way too important to me.
The other good news is that I've adopted a kitten. He's a gorgeous little guy, his name is Rupurrt. I fell in love with him when I first saw him, chickened out when it came to adopting him and then the adopter fell through so I decided that I was being given a second chance. I am so glad I've done this. He sleeps curled up next to me at night, purrs away until we both fall asleep. He had a very rough start to life but is learning that he isn't going anywhere from here. Here is the link to his story:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=693022584046106&set=a.380122178669483.111136.119893208025716&type=1&theater
Other than that, things are going okay, I had started hibernating again, I finally realized what I was doing, so I'm pushing myself into getting out and about again. So far so good.
Next month will be the 2nd anniversary of Mark's passing. I can't believe this much time has passed! I also can't believe how much I've moved forward since he passed. Sometimes it feels very wrong to do this without him, but I have no other way. I will keep pushing forward to better myself and those around me.
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HI, Kitty Cat.
Rupurrt is lovely! What a wonderful addition to your life.
As for whether it is right or wrong for you to be moving on without Mark, it is neither. It is just what IS! And I certainly applaud that you are taking your life in your hands. I can't help but think that Mark would be proud of you, too.
:cuddle;
And going back to school? That is smashing news! Congratulations all around. :2thumbsup;
Aleta
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Im so happy for you :) You are my great friend and thank you for everything you bring to share. You are a shining light in this life of mine.. It's inspiring watching you keep on keepen on :flower;.. All the best :cuddle;
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As for whether it is right or wrong for you to be moving on without Mark, it is neither. It is just what IS!
Very wise words! Try not to be so judgmental toward yourself. Be kind to yourself. :cuddle;
I am so glad to hear that you are moving forward with life. Going back to school sounds like the perfect path for you. PLEASE be sure to tell us all about school once January comes around. I'm really excited for you!!!
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What great news Kitty Cat! Rupurrt is so gorgeous. I love black Toms. After having such a rough start, he's going to have a lovely life. I've found very few people are really there for you when times get rough. I've dispensed with my 'fair weather' friends, and enjoy the pleasure of having a very few real mates. Best wishes for the studies. I admire your strength.
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So nice to hear from you. I think it's really good to come home to someone happy to see you! Jenna is going to the humane society and will choose a new kitty soon.
Best wishes that all goes well with school, and anything else you want to do!
:waving;
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Rupurrt is beautiful! (I have a weakness for black kitties!)
Congratulations on going back to school! You will do great! Just remember that when you're having a bad day, Rupurrt will be there to listen and love you! :guitar:
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Thank you all for the awesome comments, Rupurrt has been learning all sorts of new things that leave me shaking my head, but how can I possibly get angry when the other kitties protect him and take such good care of him as well as he sleeps curled up tight next to me all night purring his little heart out!! Last night he discovered that if he runs fast enough through the house, he can make the pads on his paws squeak on the kitchen floor. He spent a good 20 minutes doing exactly that. lol!!
I have some really amazing news that I am still smiling over!! I am an official college student, I have my first 3 classes selected and locked in, I start school on January 13th! I can not wait! I received my student ID today, picture and all, I've had this silly grin all week that I just can't seem to shake! In a little over a year, I will be starting my career and after I get settled into a job for a little bit, I will go back to college to get my associates degree! The school is backing me all the way with this and have been incredibly supportive.
I hope Mark sees what is happening and is smiling as well, I never thought I'd see myself in this light but I have to say I am proud of myself. As you know even a year ago, I couldn't figure it out one day at a time, never mind a future for myself. Things have been so different since I made peace with Mark at the spot we were married in.
I really want to take you with me on this adventure because you have been here for me the entire way...through good and bad, but all the time I have felt the hugs and wonderful wishes you've sent with me and to me. I truly feel that if it wasn't for this site, I wouldn't be where I am today. No exaggerations, but I put one foot in front of the other because of your support. What you've done for me humbles me and makes me want to excel even more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3
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Oh, Kitty Kat,
I am so very happy and even thrilled for you! We all go through life with some amazing high points and crunching low points. It is the community of others that really makes it all worth it! :cuddle;
Your Rupurrt sounds like a real imp! Gotta love that! What a sweetie.
And your up-coming college work will be so satisfying. Congratulations. Keep that grin going! :2thumbsup;
All the best to you!
Aleta
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Congratulations on going back to school! You will do great, I just know it! :clap;
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My family has you in our prayers. I wish you quality time and pray for a miracle that he may respond well to the chemo and have good days to share together. Please surround yourself with people who can support you both.
Take care,
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Good things abound! School starts on January 13th, I pick up my books on Monday (so very excited). Counting down the days now!! :2thumbsup;
I have met somebody who will be in my future for a very long time. He is wonderful, wants to take care of me and has helped me out in so many ways. He helped me clean out 16 yrs of clutter from the house. As you know Mark was my primary focus, work 2nd. Not much time to take care of the house properly. He found the pictures I'd taken off the wall a month earlier while we were cleaning of Mark & me, Mark & our daughter, etc. He turned to look at me and asked why they were on the floor, I couldn't say anything and shrugged my shoulders. He hung every one of them back on the wall. Right then and there I knew he was going to be very special in my life. The house now looks amazing, like it did before Mark had kidney problems.
On the 2nd anniversary of Mark's death, he was in touch with me a number of times that day to make sure I was okay. He told me he knew I missed Mark, that I still loved him and he wanted to be there for me in case I needed him.
My daughter, son in law and grandsons met him on thanksgiving day, the grandsons love him and are always asking about him when they know I'm on the phone. it's very funny. He adores the boys, he really enjoyed being around them on Thanksgiving, where the boys had him on the floor playing trains with them!! lol My daughter & son in law like him too. It's all good!
I never thought in my life, I would be lucky enough to have someone else in my life who wanted to be with me and I am enjoying every second. The only part I'm having a hard time with is letting him help me out. I've done everything for so long by myself, I find it hard to loosen the reins, sit back and relax. I'm learning, it takes time though. He is thankfully very understanding about it. I came home from work one day to see that he had made a study corner for me. My desk is over there, another long table for my school books and whatever else I need for research!! I am so unbelievably happy that he is so supportive of me going back to school!
Now, here's the best part. I fell out of the shed a month ago today. My right ankle rolled while stepping out of the shed and I didn't have a solid foot to step out on, so I crashed to the ground. I thought for sure it was just a sprain, so I didn't see the doctor. This past Thursday, I was sent to an orthopedic doctor to find out that (thankfully) my ankle isn't broken, although I did badly hurt all the tendons around the ankle. I am in one of those clunky boots. Walking is awkward, I have a lot of walking to do at work, getting used to the boot is interesting. I have 4 very long weeks to behave. I see the doc again on Jan 9th to see if the tendons have healed, otherwise I am going to have to have an MRI. I hope it's healed because school starts 4 days after and I do not want to wear this thing to school! In the meantime, we have a heavy snowstorm coming in now, I have to dig out my car tomorrow morning, partially shovel out my driveway & wheelchair ramp to be ready for work on Monday. My boyfriend can't be here to help because he works overnight and won't be out until tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to be done before he finds out...I hope. He won't be happy, he keeps telling me to get off my foot, I am so tired of sitting and behaving!! Even my head supervisor said it's highly unlikely that I can stay out of mischief that long!! lol
I wish all of you a happy, healthy Holiday Season. May everybody be warmed by love, happiness and health. More updates I'm sure after school starts!!
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Oh, Kitty Kat! What a huge smile this brought to my face. I am so happy for you. Your guy sounds like a keeper. :2thumbsup;
Especially since the rest of your family loves him, too. Ain't life grand?
Keep the good news coming.
A word about your boot. Don't rush it. I once stepped on a board in the garage that rolled out from under my foot. I did a number on the tendons in my ankle, too. I discovered that tendons take longer to heal than bones. I was in my boot for 9 weeks. Baby that ankle and don't over-do. Let your wonderful guy help out as much as he wants. That is one of the best ways of showing YOUR love.
:cuddle;
Aleta
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Good luck. Treat it well and dont overdo it.
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Hi Kitty Kat! I love that you sound so perky and happy right now. Life is being kind to you!
*huggles*
PS: Hope your ankle gets well soon!
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Great news, Kitty Kat! Hobble along carefully!
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What a fantastic post!! :yahoo;
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A quick update:
School is going very well, my first assignment was graded a 10 out of 10!! In my biology class, we have to write about a disease we are familiar with!!!!! You don't have to guess what I've chosen. I can start it now, and have, the teacher will look at it as many times as I need to so she can help us get the best grades.
I'm not sure what angle to go at with kidney disease, I don't want to do the standard stuff out there, but I want to hit the hard facts. If anybody has ideas, I am more than open to them!!
The biology teacher is awesome!! My car broke down and she picked me up so I wouldn't miss her class!! How many people would do that in this day and age?
I am so very happy that I have gone back, I'm finally starting to get a really good feel for my future! My honey is my biggest cheerleader, which I am eternally grateful for.
I've also dyed my hair, not purple this time (although...I really thought about it) but a brown color. I don't want to be so grey anymore, I'm only 50, it looks okay, I still need to get used to it. Everybody has told me so far that it looks great.
Have an awesome weekend!!
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That is fantastic about your school experience so far. Yay!
:yahoo;
There are so many angles you can take on kidney disease. You could talk about the different modalities for dialysis (many people don't know anything about that!), you could talk about the process for getting on the list, and how long people have to wait. You could talk about transplantation not being a cure, but only a treatment. You could even get into the chemistry of dialysis. That's something that I find very interesting. That could encompass fluid and food restrictions, too. You could get into how kidney disease is an invisible disease - "You don't LOOK sick!" :2thumbsup;
At any rate, you have bunches of information already, and you are going to be able to do an outstanding job.
I'm glad life is treating you well. Your story is an inspiration for many who are going through dark times. Keep us in the loop. I love to hear what is up with you!
Aleta
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A very quick update!!
I did the term paper on kidney diseases and got a 98 on it!!!!! I took the final exam for that class tonight and have my fingers crossed that it came out well. (we have trimesters instead of semesters, I start again in 3 weeks.) I am so relieved and I am going to read a book that has nothing to do with school!!!! lol!!
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This is cause for celebration! Congratulations! Enjoy your break!
:cuddle;
Aleta
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Well....I received my final grade for biology, this was the only class that was a concern because I had such a hard time. I received a grade total of B-!!!!! This means I can still possibly make it to the dean's list!!!! Fingers and toes crossed!! lol
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Hearty congrats are in order, KC!! Well done you! Hey, could you share some of the details of your paper on kidney diseases? I'd love to hear more about it. Thanks!
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Well done! I'd be interested, also, in seeing your paper.
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Hi KC :-) you're back in school too I see! And having a blast by the looks. I've gone back to school too so we can be first years together (or maybe you are doing postgraduate studies, I didn't read slow enough to pick that up. Anyway, aint it fun in school? :bandance; You are better at keeping people up to date than me though, I'm going to try and be inspired by your posts to make some also. Hope your ankle is mending. Yay for the boyfriend!!!
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I am so sorry I've been so delayed in responding. Things have been incredibly busy with the end of the term and lots of OT at work. Plus, I have 3 weeks to get everything done that I need to get done before the next trimester starts (May 13th). I'm taking a little time to breathe today, but not by much!!
My final grades were A, B, B-. I am so incredibly excited I can't even explain it! I'm attaching the term paper for kidney disease for those who requested it and anybody else who wants to read it. It's not very technical, more of a history/where it's going type thing. I didn't want it to be technical, I wanted somebody to read it who has never dealt with kidney disease to get a taste of what it's like, what happens. We're all there, we know. I want more people to understand it. It's also a little more cookie cutter than I would have liked, but sadly, my research came up with basics and we all know everybody, every situation is different.
natnnnat, I am loving school, just as you are. This was my first trimester in more than 30 years, weird to be a freshman at age 50!! lol!! I never thought I would get to this point in my life where I could do something like this, never mind enjoy it! It was a dream on the back burner. Care taking for my husband came first and that was it. My ankle is back to normal, I slipped on a blanket I had dropped on the floor, there was a pop and it's been fine ever since then!! Go figure!! lol!! The boyfriend is amazing. I never thought I would find somebody else in my life, we really enjoy each others company and make each other laugh all the time. We are perfect for each other. I haven't been this happy since I don't know when! :2thumbsup; What are you studying natnnnat?? I'm studying medical billing & coding, I'm loving every second!!
Enjoy the paper everybody, if you have any comments, please let me know. I may have to do this again, (I really hope not!!!!!) but if I do, I could use the comments.
Have an awesome day...
I couldn't place the attachment here, so I'll try and put the paper in this space...
One of the leading diseases affecting Americans is kidney disease. Currently, there
are 96,645 people awaiting kidney transplants. On average, nearly 3,000 people are added
to the kidney transplant waiting list. 13 people die each day while waiting for their life saving
transplant. Last year, 4,903 people died while waiting for a kidney transplant. Last year,
16,812 kidney transplants took place in the U.S. Of these, 11,043 kidney transplants came
from deceased donors and 5,769 came from living donors. The National Kidney Foundation,
Inc. N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
Most people are unaware that they have any type of kidney problems, until they are
unhealthy and the person needs to have advanced help, such as dialysis. There are
symptoms that should not be ignored:
1. Leg and back pain. The most typical sign of chronic kidney disease is a pain in the legs
and upper back, near where the kidneys are located. Normally, you will feel pain in the side
of the affected kidney. It is a terrible pain that you are unable to ignore.
2. Urinary urgency. You may find yourself getting up much more in the middle of the night
to urinate. The pressure on the bladder can be so strong that you may not feel that you are
completely able to empty your bladder. This can feel like a urinary tract infection, however, if
there is blood involved, a doctor’s visit is needed immediately.
3. Fatigue. Healthy kidneys produced EPO (erythropoietin) hormone, which commands
oxygen-carrying red blood cells to energize the muscles and brain. Without EPO, you will be
fatigued and need to sleep more often. It can feel like you have the flu by worn out you feel.
4. Swelling. While kidneys are failing, they are unable to eliminate all the fluid necessary to
keep the body running in hemostasis. The excess fluid pools in your body creating swelling
in the hands, feet, legs, ankles. It can be bad enough that you may not be able to put on
your shoes or rings.
5. Irritated skin. Breakouts, such as acne or itchy rashes occur because of the excess
waste floating around in the body.
6. Nausea. The increase of waste that cannot be eliminated through blood (dialysis) or
urine, will result in a feeling of nausea as well as a lack of appetite and weight loss. In
severe cases, vomiting will make it difficult to keep food/nourishment down.
7. Metallic flavor. Patients, whose kidneys fail, often describe a metallic taste that lingers in
the mouth prior to actual kidney failure. This metal flavor is due to uremia (excess waste bi-
product present in the bloodstream). Your Daily Dose of Health Headlines." ActiveBeat.
N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
Kidney damage and decreased function that lasts longer than 3 months is called
chronic kidney disease (CKD). CKD is dangerous because you may not have symptoms
until considerable, often irreparable kidney damage has occurred. The most common
causes of CKD are diabetes, types 1 and 2, high blood pressure. Other causes are immune
system conditions such as Lupus, HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis B and C. Urinary tract infections.
Multiple infections can lead to scarring and eventual kidney damage. Inflammation in the
glomeruli within the kidneys. this occurs after strep infections. Polycystic kidney disease.
PKD-fluid filled cysts form in the kidneys over time. This is the most common form of
inherited kidney disease. Congenital defects. These are present at birth, often the result of a
urinary tract obstruction or malformation that affects the kidneys. Drugs and toxins. Long
term exposure to some medications and chemicals overuse of NSAIDS such as ibuprofen
and naproxen and use if IV street drugs. Better Information. Better Health." WebMD.
WebMD, n.d. Web (no date)
There is a lengthy history to dialysis, it goes back as far as 100 AD. The first dialysis
took place in the Roman baths. People who suffered from a build up of urea in their systems
soaked in the baths to “sweat out” the toxins. Thomas Graham described the
process of dialysis. Then in 1869, Swiss surgeon Jacques Louis Reverdin performed the
first documented human tissue grafting. In 1912, French surgeon Alexis Carrel developed
methods of joining blood vessels, opening the door to transplantation. He also developed
fluids and a way of circulating them in order to keep transplanted tissues alive outside the
body. 1913 John Abel developed an artificial kidney for dialysis with animals. However, the
substance removed was salicylic acid, not urea. And he used hirudin (crushed leech heads)
as an anticoagulant, a substance with negative side effects. 1918 the first blood transfusion
took place. 1928 the anticoagulant hirudin was replaced by heparin, which is still used to
this day. 1943 Dr. William Kolff created a crude kidney machine, he is known as the father
of dialysis. 1954 Dr. Joseph E. Murray completed the first successful living-related kidney
transplant at Brigham & Women’s Hospital in Boston. 1962 Drs. Joseph Murray and David
Hume performed the first successful kidney transplant from a cadaver. These were the
earliest steps into present day dialysis. "KIDNEY DISEASE AIN'T FUN...." Welcome To My Homepage. N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
Now that our kidneys have been damaged, we need to start dialysis. Why? Because
approximately 1500 liters of blood are filtered by a healthy person’s kidneys every day. A
person who has kidney damage and does not do dialysis, will build up waste in their blood
stream and eventually levels will become high enough that coma then death would occur.
There are 3 types of dialysis that can be done: Peritoneal. A tube is surgically placed into
the peritoneal cavity. Once this has healed, a fluid exchange takes place, (the solution is
rich in minerals and glucose), sometimes more than once a day, to absorb the waste that
the kidneys can no longer filter. The solution is left in the peritoneal cavity, after a certain
amount of time, the fluid is drained from the cavity to be discarded. CAPD. Continuous
ambulatory peritoneal dialysis requires no machinery and the exchanges are done by hand.
The solution is left in the cavity for up to 8 hours. It is then replaced with fresh solution right
away. This happens every day, four to five times a day. CCPD. Continuous cyclic peritoneal
dialysis. A machine does the fluid exchanges. It takes place at night while the patient
sleeps. Each session takes from 10-12 hours. Hemodialysis. This takes place in a hospital
or dialysis center. It requires a special machine (hemodialyzer) that removes the blood from
your body, cleans it and returns the cleaned blood to your body. a special vein is
constructed surgically called a fistula. The fistula is an enlarged vein so that the catheters
can be inserted to use this process. There is another type of fistula, mostly used when the
patient needs to start dialysis before the fistula has had a chance to heal. This is called a
Perma Cath.This can become infected easily because it is directly in the jugular vein and
can’t get wet. it is to only be used as a temporary catheter. Prescription Drug Information,
Interactions & Side Effects." Drugs.com | Prescription Drug Information, Interactions & Side
Effects. N.p., n.d. Web and "Health Articles, Health Videos and Other Health Information." Health Articles, Health Videos and Other Health Information. N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
Hemodialysis takes place 3 days a week, up to four hours per session. This depends
on the amount of fluid the patient has gained since the last session and how well the
patient’s kidneys work. Hemodialysis filters out the waste products from the blood
through a catheter, into the machine that cleans the blood, just as a kidney would, returning
the cleaned blood to the body through the second catheter. In effect, the patient is
connected to an artificial kidney. Dialysis is not the optimum solution to kidney failure,
however, it will extend your life until a transplant can occur. At this time, the waiting list for a
kidney transplant is between 5 and 10 years. This depends on the blood type and factors,
such as immune system activity will determine how long you are on the waiting list for a
cadaver kidney ."National Library of Medicine - National Institutes of Health." U.S National
Library of Medicine. U.S. National Library of Medicine, n.d. Web.(no date)
Other types of transplant are effective also and may shorten the length of time on the
transplant list. If you can find a living donor, who may be a family member with the same
blood type. There are a number of criteria that need to be met, that can qualify or disqualify
you as a donor. Such things as smoking, drinking, obesity and other factors can disqualify
you even if you are a perfect match. The transplanted kidney does not goin the same area
as the current kidney. It goes into the abdominal area in the front of the body. once you
have had your transplant, you are required to take immunosupressants for the rest of your
life to prevent rejection. The new kidney will generally start to make urine quickly.
Sometimes it takes a little longer if the kidney was shocked while being transplanted. A
patient with a transplanted kidney has a life expectancy of 10-15 years that he/she would
not have had without this transplant. A living donor kidney will reach optimum function within
3-5 days while a cadaver kidney takes approximately 7-15 days. Many people who have
had a transplant become much more active than they were before. The National Kidney
Foundation holds walks and also their own form of Olympics for transplant patients.
"Dartmouth-Hitchcock." Patients & Visitors. N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
The future for kidney patients looks a little brighter with experimentation creating
laboratory created rat kidneys. This can potentially create a bioengineered kidney for
human. It is many years away yet, the experiments are still in their beginning stages. The
University of California San Francisco, is in the process of creating a very small dialysis
machine. This is something that could be implanted. It is considered an artificial kidney and
the FDA is putting it on the fast track for testing and approval. This could give a person the
ability to move around and enjoy their life style without being strapped to a chair as they
have been. It will be exciting to see these products form and start being used to help kidney
patients be able to enjoy their lives as some have not been able to for a very long time.
"Science Fair Project Ideas, Answers, & Tools." Science Fair Project Ideas, Answers, &
Tools. N.p., n.d. Web.(no date)
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Wow! Congratulations on a well-rounded paper! Maybe it WILL help someone. :2thumbsup;
I am so pleased that life is serving up roses for you. You certainly deserve it!
I always loved school. I guess that is why I ended up being a teacher - so I could continue going to school! :rofl;
Seriously, though, there is no better way to stay sharp and current than to go to school. :clap;
Take some breathing room and then hit the books again refreshed and renewed.
:cuddle;
Aleta
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Well done!
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Happy Monday everyone!!
Aleta and Galvo,
Thank you for the response on my paper, I truly appreciate it. This came from my heart and I wanted to make people aware of kidney disease. I also push on organ donations too. That won't ever change.
School starts next Tuesday, I can't believe these 3 weeks disappeared so quickly!! I have my books, they are huge and they are heavy! I guess I officially start weight lifting!! I am excited to get started, my Thursday night teacher is the same woman I had last semester, I really like her and understand what she's looking for, hers was the class I got an A in. The other teacher I've heard pros and cons, I'm not making any judgements, each person sees things differently, so one person telling me that the teacher is terrible could have some kind of issue that I may not have. Or even the other way around. The school has a fantastic tutoring program, if things get tricky, then I can go there.
My kitten (he actually just turned a year old) has been keeping me on my toes and I set up a facebook page for him, I am so incredibly surprised how popular he is!! People really like him and his antics, everything I write about that he's done, he's really done! His stunt last week was to run out of the house between mine and the dogs legs. However, he did this at 5:20 am, he is an all black cat and the outside was a very inky black itself because of the rain. Thankfully, I was able to get him in quickly, not chasing him around the yard as we've done in the past, but everytime I put the dog out now, Rupurrt gets locked into a room! I've also bought a harness for him, I'm waiting for it to arrive because I'm hoping that if I can take him out under controlled circumstances then he won't want to run out as often or at all! I have no idea how I get myself into all this, I'm not complaining but I can certainly never call my life boring!! lol! If you ever want to check out Rupurrt's FB page, it's https://www.facebook.com/Rupurrt he really is adorable, full of mischief!!
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Rupurrt has quite a following! I "liked" his page, so I'm now a fan, too. You have the makings of a book, there, Kitty Cat! Keep it up! :2thumbsup; :2thumbsup;
Aleta
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Thank you Aleta! I just saw that you liked his page! Every single thing I post on him, he's done. He keeps me on my toes, never in my life have I had a cat like this!! Full of mischief and for him, it's completely natural! Since he's gotten taller, he can stand on his hind legs and grab my feet while I'm sleeping, scaring me half to death. He can walk like an elephant or as quiet as air. When it comes to the feet, it's like air!! Lol! He grabbed my boyfriend's feet one night and scared him, he thought I did it, I had to explain it was Rupurrt and definitely not me. Of course, that gave me quite the case of giggles!!
I've got to finish getting ready for work, lots of ot, but it doesn't count this week since I was out sick yesterday. Sinuses and allergies collided, knocked me flat. This afternoon I'm looking for a new allergy med, my boyfriend keeps recommending claritin, I may give it a shot because this is out of hand this year!!
Have a great day!!
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I'm now a fan!
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Galvo!! That was you!!! I just saw he was at 1300 and saw your name. I wondered if it was you!! Thank you!! :clap; :clap; It's a fun page and every little thing posted that he gets into, he really gets into!! Some days my head spins with what he does!! I'm curious to know if he'll mellow out as he gets older or if this is his personality. :)
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:cuddle; Thanksyou so much for sharing your story i have just read it from the start. i needed a tissue or 6 i must look like such a tool sitting here blubbering and then to see you slowly rebuild your life its just such a good feeling to read this. thanks again for sharing
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nataliemac,
Thank you so much for your feedback. It's been a long road, I'll probably always be on it, one way or another. If I had to do it over, I would in a heartbeat. I'm sorry it made you cry, that wasn't my intention, quite honestly I don't know what my intention was outside of getting things off my chest. This is my home away from home, I have no idea where I'd be without everybody here. I cry when I see we've lost somebody, I celebrate with them when something wonderful happens. This is my family. I hope you feel the same way. There will never be judgement here, only support and love :cuddle;
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I don't know how I missed the paper you posted, KC! I've just finished reading it and am very impressed. It was a good idea to make it not too technical so that any/everyone could read it and really learn something. The history of treatment for CKD was particularly fascinating; I learned so much! Thank you and many congratulations on a job well done!
It's always so nice to see you posting on IHD, and I hope you continue to visit and post often. We love you here at IHD. :grouphug;
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Thank you MooseMom. It's been a tough week, a lot of things have come back for myself and my daughter as Mark's younger brother passed away. The funeral was Wednesday and there was a slide presentation of pictures from when the kids were younger, meaning adult too. To see pictures of Mark in his healthier days was almost earth shattering! I had forgotten how he had looked before kidney disease! Then I feel guilty because I didn't remember and how could you not remember, but at the same time I was with him all the time so for me it was a subtle change over the years. One that wouldn't be noticed unless you hadn't seen him. Now, I understand why there were a few people who kept saying how different he looked!
Started classes this week, kicked off my Tuesday night class with a bang. Sat in the front row and promptly fell asleep!!! My friend nudged my ankle, I jumped not realizing i'd fallen asleep then we both giggled. Needless to say, that won't happen ever again!!!I think I was stressed knowing I had the funeral the next morning.
I really enjoyed working on the paper, it felt familiar, if that makes any kind of sense. When I saw the tutor, I had to defend my paper, meaning that he asked a kazillion questions and I knew all the answers, he told me he was impressed.
Have a great weekend, I'm going to work on my massive amounts of homework (the only thing I didn't miss!! lol!!)
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KC, I'm so sorry to hear that the painful past has bitten you and your daughter. I am sitting here imagining what it must have felt like for you to see those slides of Mark in his healthier days. :cuddle; The funeral must have been really difficult for you. I hope you are feeling better today.
It makes a LOT of sense that working on your paper made you feel like you were in familiar territory because, well, you WERE! I bet you could have answered just about any questions your tutor could have thought up. I also bet he learned a lot from you. I hope to God he never needs that knowledge, but if he does, he'll have you to thank.
Good luck with your homework!
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always good to hear from you kc (and of course mm ;) and kc,,,, i owe you a letter :) In reading this last bit from you, i wanted to tell you that i am also looking at a 'service' this thursday. It's my bo's sister. She passed away just this week and i spent almost 10 strait hours with her in this final time. For me, it was healing, and i had asked her a month ago if she would take my love to Bo and we both thought that to be kind of exciting. She got cancer, and it was very bad by the time she went in for it. It was rough, but short, and i never thought i could do this again but life has a way of keeping us on our toes doesnt it. Im somewhat dreading thursday, so any prayers thrown my way are welcomed with open heart :) Love to all, for all we do and deal :flower;
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Hi! It's been a very long time, a lot has happened and I've learned so much it's incredible.
I've given up my home, moved in with my boyfriend and it's the best thing I've ever done. I will be graduating college in June, somehow, I have no idea how...I made Dean's list for the fall semester! I'm tickled, never thought that was a possibility!
For the downfall, my daughter has been diagnosed with the same kidney disease as my husband had. His nephrologist has taken her on as a patient, I am so grateful that he will work with her. He put her on a no/low protein diet with one serving of dairy per day, along with green leafy vegetables and a few other changes. She (thankfully) has taken this seriously, we found out right before Christmas and it put a slight damper on things. it was still good. she just had her first bloodwork since the diagnosis and with the dietary changes, her blood levels are coming back toward the normal range. We know eventually things won't stay this way, but if it can be pushed off until my grandsons are much older, then this is wonderful!
I had a feeling when she was tested all those years ago to be a donor that she would someday be in this position, she matched him so closely. She was offended that we wouldn't let her donate that kidney, now I am so happy that we stuck to our guns. I'm still hoping that as time goes on, something more progressive can be done that we didn't know about when her dad was still alive. Who knows what the future will be and with that term paper I did on kidney disease last winter, I know there is progress, but it's never fast enough.
I'm off to work on my coding homework, I can't believe there are only 4 weeks of classes left, I can't believe how fast this year since I started school has flown by! Remarkable. This year, it will be 4 years since Mark passed on! That also doesn't seem possible. All the changes in my life have been for the good, I never thought I could move on, but I have and I'm doing it with grace and humility. Everything I learned over all the years of kidney failure and dialysis, etc, etc have not wandered far from the front of my mind. Two weeks ago in coding class, they showed a picture of a hemo dialysis machine. Without hesitation, I explained to the class exactly what was taking place and how the machine operated! Then I was stunned that I remembered! I guess this is something that will always remain a part of me!
I'd better get going on that homework, I hope all of you are well and again thank you for being part of my family.
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I've been in a somewhat foul mood all day. Not sure why. Annual post tx apt coming up in a bit over a month; maybe I'm more anxious about that than I realize. Anyway, I was a real grumpy guts,
AND THEN I READ THIS!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, KITTY CAT, FOR POSTING!!!!! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY, AND THAT IS NO UNDERSTATEMENT!
Please continue to visit here from time to time to give us updates on your new, wonderful and exciting life.
Our best wishes to your daughter. I hope a cure will have been found before she ever needs to even think about dialysis. :grouphug;
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Thank you Moose Mom! I love making people smile :) I hope all goes well for you at your appointment, it still amazes me how much I remember as if it were yesterday! I sit back now and look at where I was just 4 years ago and where I am now, this is not something I could have ever imagined. I mean, I'm finishing college, this is the first thing I've done for myself ever! It's an amazing thing, I've gotten over the guilt of moving on after Mark died and have been having so much fun! I can't even explain it. I still say (and mean it) that if I had to do it all again, I would. In a heartbeat. I've got a really good attitude about things, things are going so well with my boyfriend, moving in here was one of the best things I've done. I've never had anybody in my life that I can laugh with like this. We work really well together in the kitchen for meals on the weekend (because of our different schedules, we each take care of our own meals during the week). It's so different, but in a really good way. My kitty, Rupurrt, has taken to him and cuddles with him every single night, his kitty, Buddy, has become very near and dear to me as well. I can't even begin to guess why things turned out like this for me, I won't think much on it, but sit back and enjoy. Love to you!!
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If your kitties like each other, then that bodes well!!
You deserve happiness in life; THAT's why things have turned out well for you. You've paid your dues. :cuddle;