I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: jmhoxsie1979 on April 02, 2011, 02:29:02 AM
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:'( I need to know if anyone else has broke up with the love of their life because of kidney failure? Me and the man have started to drift apart. Ever since we found out in October that i was having kidney failure, we have sadly drifted apart. I caught him having an emotional relationship with another woman. he has lied to me, and when i try to work on our relationship it back fires and we end up fighting. we do have our first couples counseling on Tuesday but having bad feeling. is life just turning in to big pile of steaming dog pooh? any help would be welcome good or bad at this point!
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I would have to answer "yes" to this, but perhaps not quite in the same way as your relationship is headed because there were a number of reasons I broke up with someone 6 or so years back. One of those was due to a fundamental difference we had on a key topic (ie: she wanted children, I do not) and I had to let her go to allow her that dream of hers but one of the other core things that troubled me at the time was I felt a real lack of support from her as I was approaching dialysis. Now you have to understand this is a woman who has a sister who (at the time) had 2 transplants and had spent time on dialysis - so it's not like she didn't know anything about kidney problems. Maybe I was expecting too much because of that (if it was someone with no exposure I could perhaps understand it a bit more) but I felt like she gave me no allowances or understanding for my symptoms or needs or even when I wanted to talk about my fears or concerns.
Buyt that was a long time ago. She went on to get married and have the child she always wanted, and that relationship has since broken up (and no, I am not happy to have heard that at all) but it seems she regrets some aspects of what she's done in her life - as we all do.
Anyway back to your situation. This is sad to hear, but I think many members here can probably relate on some level or other. Sometimes partners can find it very difficult to see the ones they love ill or sick or facing such a different situation. Some step up and others can't handle it for whatever reasons - some of which probably can not be understood or even put into words.
It IS good that you are trying counselling and everything you can to figure things out. It can't be helping to have this extra stress on top of everything else you're dealing with with your kidney failure which is still quite new to you. You both are still adjusting to what this all means. I really hope you guys can sort something out.
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My husband and I had been married for 15 + years when I got really sick. Our marriage is still strong, but I can tell you that it is completely different. I need him in ways now that I never did before. He had to decide back then if he could handle all the changes in me. I'm very lucky that he could. I could see why some mates could not..... My illness had changed everything about OUR lives. That's a lot for both of us to adjust to. I'm glad you're going to counseling. He may not even know what is wrong. It's all VERY unfair to you all the way around. So sorry and hope things work out for you!!!!!
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I lost the last serious relationship I had in the first year I started dialysis.
He expected me to carry on as normal, to take everything in my stride, to not complain or worry, to still go out for a drink or a meal or with friends even straight after dialysis and play the lets pretend nothings changed game.
I tried and failed and he ended up cheating on me whilst i was at dialysis which was the biggest smack in the face anyone can get.
I think you have to have an incredibly strong relationship to survive the rollercoaster of dialysis or a shared experience of it to bind you together.
Hell dialysis is difficult enough without having to prop up a relationship.
make sure you consider your own needs in all of this JM.
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I have to agree with Sugarlump, dialysis changes everything about a relationship and some people are not going to be able to deal with it. If you happen to be with one that can't, it's a raw thing. I hope your counseling helps smooth things out for you and your man. :grouphug;
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Yup, my husband ran mere weeks after the doc announced it was time for me to finally start dialysis. I was ill when we got married, and he knew it was coming, but after years of my increasingly poor health, he'd found someone healthy instead.
"I've changed my mind; I really do want kids after all." (She already had 3.)
"I can't find a job I can make money at because I always have to have one that will pay for your insurance." (She worked for a hospital, and could provide him with insurance once they got married.)
"I'm tired of always spending all the money on medical bills and never having anything fun. (Not like that had stopped him from running up all the credit cards, even when I spent all my time trying to keep a cap on all our spending.)
"I can solve her problems: I can't fix anything for you." (She needed a dad and someone who could help fix her house, both easier to provide than care-giving or a kidney.)
"You're so strong, you don't need me like she does." (So if I'd curled up in a corner and whimpered instead of being active and doing as much as I could to deal with things myself, that would have been better?)
and the best one of all...."I'd didn't think it would be this bad for this long." ( Sorry, I'll try to die faster next time!)
Unfortunately, it seems to be pretty common when there's a chronic illness involved. I see it here on IHD, and I see a lot of it at the cancer support group I volunteer at.
I do try hard to rise above the urge to gloat when I hear that he's miserable now, still underemployed because he still can't find any full time job, let alone that "perfect job," raising kids that aren't his, bankrupt because without someone to trying to rein in his spending, he went completely overboard with buying toys, and also because he had no idea how much kids cost. He wants a divorce and can't afford one. (I can manage not to laugh sometimes. Not always!)
I consider myself well divorced, actually. I've had to cut off any contact with him because he wouldn't stop trying to get me to take him back. I'm sure I look much more attractive now, off dialysis with a working transplant, and living in a new place and oh, yeah, let's not forget, with a tidy little inheritance that would pay off all his bills.
Seriously, jm - If the counseling doesn't help, I can tell you it's hell going through it, on top of everything else that goes with being sick, but I promise it's survivable. I can poke fun now, but it took me a lot of tears and anger to get to this point.
:grouphug;
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Hear hear JB
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...
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:'( I need to know if anyone else has broke up with the love of their life because of kidney failure? Me and the man have started to drift apart. Ever since we found out in October that i was having kidney failure, we have sadly drifted apart. I caught him having an emotional relationship with another woman. he has lied to me, and when i try to work on our relationship it back fires and we end up fighting. we do have our first couples counseling on Tuesday but having bad feeling. is life just turning in to big pile of steaming dog pooh? any help would be welcome good or bad at this point!
jm,
Unfortunately, when someone becomes ill, this shows who your true friends and family are. If they stick by you when they heare the info, then you have a true friend or family member.
In my opinion, if he is treating you this way now, it doesnt get easier. If he loves you, he will stand by you and support you. If it takes councieling to try to mend things...then you are better off looking for someone else who will support you. He has already cheated on you.... get out while you can... You deserve better.
///M3R
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I do try hard to rise above the urge to gloat when I hear that he's miserable now, still underemployed because he still can't find any full time job, let alone that "perfect job," raising kids that aren't his, bankrupt because without someone to trying to rein in his spending, he went completely overboard with buying toys, and also because he had no idea how much kids cost. He wants a divorce and can't afford one.
Don't feel guilty about enjoying a bit of schadenfreude JB, you deserve it.