I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: Sluff on January 02, 2007, 04:42:27 AM
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My sister drove 200 miles round trip to leave Christmas presents on my front porch. My sons gift cost $100 besides my gift. Now we were all home when she did this, she never knocked or rang the doorbell. My dog never barked. Why would she do this?
We have not spoken since shortly after my Moms death 3 years ago. I'm not going to get into details but she made a scene at my aunts funeral last summer and none of my family even sent a christmas card to us. I don't know why.
Do you all think this was her way of feeling guilty and wanting to reconcile? Thinking of calling her, but I don't want the gifts to be the determining factor. Why is life sp complicated. She doesn't know about my health either.
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My sister drove 200 miles round trip to leave Christmas presents on my front porch. My sons gift cost $100 besides my gift. Now we were all home when she did this, she never knocked or rang the doorbell. My dog never barked. Why would she do this?
We have not spoken since shortly after my Moms death 3 years ago. I'm not going to get into details but she made a scene at my aunts funeral last summer and none of my family even sent a christmas card to us. I don't know why.
Do you all think this was her way of feeling guilty and wanting to reconcile? Thinking of calling her, but I don't want the gifts to be the determining factor. Why is life sp complicated. She doesn't know about my health either.
Sluff, I would call her if I was you, but you know her and I don't. It's just that we had the saddest thing happen in my family this year. I had two uncles, and, due to a big issue about 10 years ago, they completely stopped talking to each other. Their wives both worked in schools in the town where they live, and they were always very mean to each other, when they spoke at all. My cousins grew up not knowing their other cousins and completely distrusting their uncles. It was awful for my family, because we got along with all of them and we wished that someday they could reconcile. Both of my uncles told us that someday they would reconcile, but it just wasn't the right time.
Well, last summer one of the uncles passed away very, very suddenly and unexpectedly. Both of my uncles families live in a small town in southern Utah, and they flew my uncle here to Salt Lake City when he had a brain aneurysm. He passed away without ever waking up.
The other uncle and his wife came rushing up here as soon as they heard what was happening, but it was too late. My uncle kept saying to me and my sister, "I never meant for it to end like this, I should have called him, now it's too late and I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life."
Call your sister if you think she wants to reconcile. I don't blame Epoman for not calling his brother, because his brother apparently doesn't want to reconcile with him, but maybe this is your sister's way of letting you know she loves you.
Epoman's story, Paris and mrhecht, nextnoel and you, Sluff, all of your stories just break my heart. I have such a wonderful family; my sister, my aunt and two of my cousins have already volunteered to give me their kidneys, I just wish so much all of you had the same kind of families. It's their support that gets me through some days.
But for all of you that don't have that kind of families, you do have us, and we'll always be here for you! :grouphug;
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Thanks Mallory. I will be contacting her eventually, in the near future. It will be a limited relationship due to the hurtful things she has said about our parents and myself. I have these things in writing so I know I'm not misinterpreting things. I know I've told my immediate family that I don't even want an obituary in the paper because I didn't even want her to know when I die. So things were pretty bad but I guess time does heal and I'm going to persue the contact... But I appreciate the advice.
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Sluff, I sure hope it works out. My uncle, the one that didn't die, was, to put it bluntly, an ass. He said a lot of terrible things about my other uncle and our family, too. Now he has to live with knowing that he not only said and did all that he did, but he can never make it up to his brother. I hope that your sister has started to think about the terrible things she did and she's sorry.
I really hope it works out.
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I have tried to make peace ( I was always the peacemaker growing up) but some people seem to enjoy being miserable. I think it takes too much energy to be miserable, so I choose to love life and create a much different environment. You can only do so much and then you have to make yourself happy. My life is so good--full of loving children, friends, co-workers -- I can't imagine being more loved and cared for. It is better that I live away from my siblings. If someone had told me years ago that this is how we would end up, I would have never believed them. We did so much together and had lots of fun ( or so I thought). I do have a lot of "Pollyanna" in me "Little Miss Susie Sunshine"!!!!!!! Only IHD gets to see the down side of me! Sorry about that. Keep us posted, Sluff. Do whatever works for you and is in your best interest. Not every situation has a resolution. Take care of yourself first. :thumbup;
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I hope this is the beginning of repairing some sort of a relationship with your sister.
If you don't want to call her, you could always drive to her house to leave a note taped to the door. :lol;
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If you don't want to call her, you could always drive to her house to leave a note taped to the door. :lol;
Great Idea.
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sounds like ,in spite of your troubles,she must love you,maybe it is just that simple
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Coming from someone who has lost 2 brothers, I say call her.
I probably look at the situation differently. I miss my brothers.
You know as I read these stories here and in Epo's rant about his brother post
from so many of us I realize that what makes this site so special is that we
have taken off our masks and become transparent with each other.
Not afraid to reveal our hurts and scars we've had. That's what
makes this site really special. That and hopefully we're able in some way to
support and encourage and be of help to each other.
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Ohio Buckeye, that is exactly why I come here. Understanding, compassion and acceptance. :thx; :grouphug;
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I would call her also. Life is way to short not do forgive...family is one of our biggets assets in life.
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Call her. The gifts are probably a way for her to begin the healing process.
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She must have been thinking about you.
Probably afraid of a face to face meet.
Hope it's the beginning of healing.
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Thanks for all the advice. :grouphug;
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Sluff, looks to me as if she got as close as she could! I think you should contact her, at your own time and in your own way (although I would suggest sooner rather than later), because while leaving the gifts was incidental, the reaching out was intentional, and certainly must have been difficult for her. I think she must be aware of how awful she's been in the past, and on some level is sorry and doesn't want to keep the door between you closed.
I've finally learned that with my family, if I can keep from expecting them to act like I want them to and accept them gently for the best they can do (however miserable that still can be at times), we all benefit from it. The more I want them to act "normal", the more I'm disappointed, so for my own sake I try to be realistic. They will never fit my definition of "mother", "sister", whatever, but they are still somehow special people, because we've all been touched by similar pain.
BTW, I think you're a great guy, and if you ever want another sister, I would like to apply for the job! :cuddle;
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I agree with all the others on this point. She did make a step (a strange one, I must confess) but it was a 200 mile step!
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I think I would send a nice thank you note.
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I'll apply for the job also.
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I'll get the applications out asap. ;) I already consider you my sisters, but that was a nice thing for you both to say.
I will be contacting her, I'm going to lay it on the line so she knows why I've been distant and then I'll put the ball in her court.
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Excellent, on all accounts! :2thumbsup;
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BTW, I think you're a great guy, and if you ever want another sister, I would like to apply for the job! :cuddle;
OK Ladies, the line starts behind me ;) ;)
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Naw, I get to be first - I always wanted to be "The First Noel"! ;)
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Naw, I get to be first - I always wanted to be "The First Noel"! ;)
*rolls up sleeves* Sorry, I WAS HERE FIRST!!! :P You can be the "First Noel" but as long as you stand behind ME!! :P lol, j/k
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So I have to go back to "nextnoel", eh? Well, I can handle that. Especially since that makes you my OLDER sister! HAH! :D
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I'll get the applications out asap. ;) I already consider you my sisters, but that was a nice thing for you both to say.
I will be contacting her, I'm going to lay it on the line so she knows why I've been distant and then I'll put the ball in her court.
Im not a sister, but I feel like what your heart says, you have to listen? Undoubtably, you have a question, and no matter what you hear, you have to listen to your heart :thumbup;
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Im not a sister, but I feel like what your heart says, you have to listen? Undoubtably, you have a question, and no matter what you hear, you have to listen to your heart :thumbup;
I'm glad your not a sister. :rofl; but you are a brother :thumbup;
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I'll get the applications out asap. ;) I already consider you my sisters, but that was a nice thing for you both to say.
I will be contacting her, I'm going to lay it on the line so she knows why I've been distant and then I'll put the ball in her court.
Good for you Sluff, me personally I am not at that stage with my brother, the wounds are still to new for me to think about reconciliation. I honestly don't think I'll ever be. :o
For those who have no idea what I am talking about see my thread in the Transplant section about my asking my brother for a kidney.
- Epoman
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Epoman, I can't imagine how to overcome the hurtful way your brother treated you. I know he must have his 'reasons', but then again, maybe he's just a shallow ass. :(
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Do you all think this was her way of feeling guilty and wanting to reconcile? Thinking of calling her, but I don't want the gifts to be the determining factor. Why is life sp complicated. She doesn't know about my health either.
EDITED: This thread was "split" from this thread: http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1588.0 - Epoman, Owner/Admin
Maybe she had every intention of actually seeing you but she got cold feet and got scared at the last minute? I truly hope you can get reconciled with this and find peace with it. Sometimes those two little words "I'm sorry" are the hardest you can ever say. :)
Donna
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Sluff, Reconciliation is surely on your sister's mind & she made an unusual first move, but a very nice one.
It's so obvious she wants to make amends & maybe she was afraid you would slam the door on her if she knocked.
Your turn now.
I love Sara's idea, but I would knock, holding a bouquet of flowers.
Looks like a happy reunion coming up & do avoid rehashing the past.
It sounds like a situation where no one will admit the're wrong & that can be dangerous ground. The important thing is to get your family back together & let the past go.
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Sluff, you are so good with words. I would write her a letter. I do like the idea of driving 200 miles and taping it to her door! ;D
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I finally wrote the letter and sent it to my sister. I'm posting it here in case some of you have a comment or a suggestion. It is three printed pages long. The letter is written to be a little sarcastic so I hope some of you understand the angle I'm coming from.
Sorry it's long but reading it is optional anyway so here it goes.
February 1, 2007
Hello Kathy,
Thanks for the nice Christmas gifts. I wanted to respond sooner but have been so busy.
Christmas time is one of the hardest times of the year for me, because I never seem to have the money to buy gifts.
I’m not sure as to your motive in dropping off Christmas gifts and just leaving them on the porch. We were all home and you didn’t try to knock on the door or ring the doorbell, usually the dog hears everything, so it seems you intentionally did not want to be detected. I guess it just adds to the mysteriousness of our dysfunctional relationship.
I’m glad you have the Lord and he continues to bless you as you stated in your letter.
As I mentioned our dysfunctional relationship, I will elaborate.
You see I’m tired of living my life having to prove myself and my intentions to everyone, especially since I really don’t care what anyone else thinks anyhow.
This all started when Mom died, and whether or not your feelings might have gotten hurt in the process, but I was given the burden of taking care of the details of the funeral, moving moms personal possessions, selling of the mobile home etc etc.
It was so thoughtful of you to take what you wanted and just leave the rest for me to take care of. It was quite the mess.
It was thoughtful of you to shovel the 3 steps when it snowed ,so we could have the house shown. That’s ok because Marlo took care of that for us so I didn’t have to drive 200 miles round trip to take care of it. I did pay her out of my pocket however.
It was thoughtful of you to take the good food, but leaving all the outdated and moldy stuff for me to take care of.
Thank you for taking what you wanted so promptly so I had more room to move all the furniture and load the uhaul trailer that I rented 3 times to haul everything to a storage locker that I paid for.
The truck only overheated three times on each trip, which dragged the 2-hour trip into 5 hours each way.
Christy appreciated all the missed time off work when she needed to take mom to Chemotherapy when I couldn’t do it. She especially enjoyed the 4 hours of driving time and the other 4 hours of consoling our mother who was in obvious pain.
Christy also appreciated all the time off work to help me move all the stuff out of the house, and the time to clean and pack everything.
Thanks you for the rude note that the real estate person removed and handed to me personally, so the potential purchaser didn’t have to read it about you not trusting me. I had to make sure the money was not left in the house for a stranger to take until Christy and I were able to schedule time off work to clean the house out. Now I believe you got your $2 bill and your half of the change from the bowl, kept by the microwave right? As trivial as it may sound, it was a main issue for you.
You didn’t care about the items left at the house, and you told me I could have the rest. What do you suppose I should do with the items I didn’t want? Did you offer to help discard what ever needed to be discarded or help to pack anything up? No you didn’t.
How much work did you lose to helping us with everything?
Christy and I both lost a minimum of two weeks-unpaid times from our work.
Thanks for allowing me to fulfill Dad’s request to make sure you received your $5000.00 first before anything else was done. You claimed that you felt bad taking it but it didn’t stop you from accepting it. Thank you some more for allowing me to send you an additional $5000.00 a month later. It made the record keeping so much easier and I won’t mention the other money because I know the only reason you needed that money then is because you didn’t trust me with it.
I purposely had you and Christy on the bank accounts, to alleviate your mistrust in me and that still was not good enough for you because you would call me asking for money, and when I told you to talk with Christy because she was keeping track of everything when it came to the financial end of things.
Your response was that this isn’t between me and Christy, I don’t want to talk to her I want to talk to you. When it was agreed right after Mom died that you and Christy were the only two on the bank account and that I had no say in it at all.
I just want to make mention to that Christy never received 1 penny in reimbursement from the estate, everything she did she did it out of her love for me.
After the many trips to Milwaukee we finally sold the house and got the money, and estate settled.
You received your half of everything plus an additional $5000.00 which was agreed upon and a promise I made to dad, and kept. (Not bad for someone you can’t trust)
Didn’t hear from you for two years. At Toots funeral you made a spectacle about our dysfunctional relationship, that must have been embarrassing for you, but I had 4 family relatives corner me and demanded that I grow up and talk with you. Two of them we have only seen three times in the last ten years.
I never told anyone about the note or about YOUR actions as I figured it was a personal issue and maybe I would get over it someday, but now you put a spin on it, and I’ll never understand.
Since Toots funeral I have been forgotten by the rest of the family, I have not received one Christmas card or any correspondence from anyone except Aunt Jean.
I’m glad you have God and your new $10,000 a year raise because you paid a hefty price for it.
I give what I receive.
Darrell
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:o DAMN
"The letter is written to be a little sarcastic"
LOL, a little? ;D
Hey sluff can you write a letter for me to give to MY brother. ;D
- Epoman
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Whoe, I don't think anything will be misunderstood.
BTW what did she leave you? I mean...Christmas presents. I don't think you told us. Just being nosy!!
None of my bee's wax really! Sorry!
Don't want to ever be on your shit list! :cuddle;
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Oh my. I agree with Rerun. Wow! What a way to put things.
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Whoe, I don't think anything will be misunderstood.
BTW what did she leave you? I mean...Christmas presents. I don't think you told us. Just being nosy!!
None of my bee's wax really! Sorry!
Don't want to ever be on your shit list! :cuddle;
Yeah believe it or not she left me a Harley Davidson knickknack and gave my son a remote controlled Harley Davidson V-Rod toy.
I failed to mention that she told her church congregation that both my parents died of alcoholism. My Dad used to drink years ago but Mom never touched the stuff.
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good for you sluff, i would write my sister a similar letter but I'm too chicken to do it...maybe in about 30 more years....lol
:beer1;
Rolando
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Don't take me wrong everybody. I love my sister and I would be there in a heartbeat if she really needed me, but the hurtful things she has done makes me want to keep my distance.
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Sluff, that is totally understandable (BUT) what if something happens to one of you and you haven't seen her? Whenever i am mad at someone i always think that, if i were to die today, what were the last words i told my hubby, my mom, my sister, my brother, i have always tried to keep the peace with everyone. So many times i had to swallow my pride and make that first move. It wasnt easy but i know i have the feeling of relief and happiness inside of ME. My motto is Forgive and Forget, even though i have the hardest time forgetting :P Dont do it for them, do it for YOURSELF. I hope you find the strength to make that first move but in the mean time, remember, You have alot of Sister's here for you too ;)
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Sluff, that is totally understandable (BUT) what if something happens to one of you and you haven't seen her? Whenever i am mad at someone i always think that, if i were to die today, what were the last words i told my hubby, my mom, my sister, my brother, i have always tried to keep the peace with everyone. So many times i had to swallow my pride and make that first move. It wasnt easy but i know i have the feeling of relief and happiness inside of ME. My motto is Forgive and Forget, even though i have the hardest time forgetting :P Dont do it for them, do it for YOURSELF. I hope you find the strength to make that first move but in the mean time, remember, You have alot of Sister's here for you too ;)
Sometime I find the hurt is too deep, or the days when I would have forgave have passed. I know now, from the time that has passed, my trying to be family has gone. Ill be OK if I should pass away. Ive tried to make amends with all who did not take the time to try and see my point of view.
sluff, just be OK with what ever decision you make & if its like mine, too much has gone by to make amends. Peace out
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Sluff, that is totally understandable (BUT) what if something happens to one of you and you haven't seen her? Whenever i am mad at someone i always think that, if i were to die today, what were the last words i told my hubby, my mom, my sister, my brother, i have always tried to keep the peace with everyone. So many times i had to swallow my pride and make that first move. It wasnt easy but i know i have the feeling of relief and happiness inside of ME. My motto is Forgive and Forget, even though i have the hardest time forgetting :P Dont do it for them, do it for YOURSELF. I hope you find the strength to make that first move but in the mean time, remember, You have alot of Sister's here for you too ;)
I'm ok with my decision. I only wrote the letter as a courtesy, just in case she doesn't realize what she's done. We will see where she wants to go with this from here.
The things in this letter are not even half of the issues. The real sad thing is she just graduated school to become a Pastor. So needless to say she thinks she can do no wrong.
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Update: No response from my sister but I am sending her a birthday card for her birthday.
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Good luck sluff, I admire your persistence.
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good for you sluff, i would write my sister a similar letter but I'm too chicken to do it...maybe in about 30 more years....lol
:beer1;
Rolando
(alene writing)
:o Dude, what did I do??? ???
:'( ... just kidding :-* ... I am GUESSING ::) that you are referring to one of your other sisters :) ... at least ... I hope so ... ;)
:cuddle;
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My blood sister. :rofl;
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Update: No response from my sister but I am sending her a birthday card for her birthday.
Did you send the card Sluff?? Any response? I hope so, she is missing out some valuable time with one awesome bro :cuddle;
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Thanks Goodynina. I am sending it out this week her Birthday is the 26th.
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Thanks Goodynina. I am sending it out this week her Birthday is the 26th.
Did you send it? ::)
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I sent the card about a week ago and have not heard anything. I don't think she liked the letter. I tried to be the better man, it now falls on her.
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Well you did what you could do, all i can hope is that she comes to her senses and makes that move to patch things up cuz she is missing out on one terrific bro, ya know ;) :2thumbsup;
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I know. LOL JK She considers herself a Christian and is graduating from ministry school.
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Those are sometimes the worst kind to get to forgive and forget!
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good for you sluff, i would write my sister a similar letter but I'm too chicken to do it...maybe in about 30 more years....lol
:beer1;
Rolando
(alene writing)
:o Dude, what did I do??? ???
:'( ... just kidding :-* ... I am GUESSING ::) that you are referring to one of your other sisters :) ... at least ... I hope so ... ;)
:cuddle;
ohh my garsh i just read this thread again, sorry Alene my wonderful sister...I meant the older oldest old sister Ana, you know the bitch-a-roo, i have a lot against her she's gone and done me great harm and me!!!! I'm the youngest of the siblings, they're all supposed to take care of me... i wish i had balls like sluff and would send her a letter like he did to his sister but i admit I'm a bit of a chicken and want to go to heaven when i die...now, i realize that with this much hatred in my heart i will probably go to hell, but i just can't get myself to make peace with her.... well anyways Alene you know how i feel about you girl, don't ever doubt me not for one second....
who luvs ya? :clap;
Rolando
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repent my brother repent... >:D
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Happy Birthday Kathy. I know she won't see this but today is her Birthday.
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Awwwwww!
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Hi Sluff,
I guess you would have posted if you had heard from your sis, but I was just thinking of you. I have 2 sisters, one is cranky and the other is fun. You may have one, if you'd like.
My brother... well, don't get me started.
If it weren't for friends I'd have almost no family!
Makes me even more grateful for you and the rest of the IHD family!
{{{HUG}}}
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Hi Sluff,
I guess you would have posted if you had heard from your sis, but I was just thinking of you. I have 2 sisters, one is cranky and the other is fun. You may have one, if you'd like.
My brother... well, don't get me started.
If it weren't for friends I'd have almost no family!
Makes me even more grateful for you and the rest of the IHD family!
{{{HUG}}}
Thanks Karol,
I have not heard from her, I just hope she recieved her birthday card. it amazes me how sometimes friends can be more understanding then family.
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Hi Sluff,
I guess you would have posted if you had heard from your sis, but I was just thinking of you. I have 2 sisters, one is cranky and the other is fun. You may have one, if you'd like.
My brother... well, don't get me started.
If it weren't for friends I'd have almost no family!
Makes me even more grateful for you and the rest of the IHD family!
{{{HUG}}}
Thanks Karol,
I have not heard from her, I just hope she recieved her birthday card. it amazes me how sometimes friends can be more understanding then family.
[/b]
You can say that again my friend, why do you think i am here all the time, not only for the support but for the family atmosphere i feel from all of you.
Okarol, that's a BIG "AMEN" to you sister, i am forever grateful for all of you. :grouphug;
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sluff, it isn't just you family, i have a cousin who hasn't spoken to her sister in over 25 years. if the find themselves in attendance at the same family function carol walks to the other side of the room if Mariylin enters. carol will talk to everyone in the family even marilyn's children. just not marilyn. i know why she's so angry, but 25 years is a long time to carry a grudge and marilyn divorced the idiot that started the feud a long long time ago. but i still hope they make up before one of them dies.
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UPDATE: Still have not heard a thing from my Sister or my family.
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This thread makes me want to cry. I guess no family is perfect, mine included. It is so funny when people are raised together and are just so different.
I think you are an awesome brother! :)
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Thanks Romona.
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UPDATE: Still have not heard a thing from my Sister or my family.
Well, you've got all of us and you hear it from us everyday :P ;) We love ya buddy :grouphug;
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I'm sorry to hear that sluff. I still do hope that one day that will wake up to themselves and contact you.
But remember you always have us. :cuddle;
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I'm sorry to hear that sluff. I still do hope that one day that will wake up to themselves and contact you.
But remember you always have us. :cuddle;
You can say that again!
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Thank you all. :)
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Sluff - I just read this and it makes me so sad. Family can be the worst! Friends definitely make up for family.
I know how you feel though. I have 5 brothers and sisters. My parents don't talk to 4 of us, they have dis-owned us. The best is, we have all turned out to be great people, no problems with law, substance/alcohol abuse. All, except 1 (youngest bro) are married with children. My parents have even dis-owned their grandchildren. My oldest niece was 12 when it started, she was the closest with them.
The reason? Mom is an alcoholic, hates the world, thinks everyone is evil and out to get her. She is also a very cold woman. So cold that when I was going through preparations for my first marriage, she actually told me she never loved me and wished that I was never born. All because I snapped at her when I was trying wedding dresses on. Dad is bitter, hates people, recovering alcoholic. They hate each other, but still remain married. My parents got mad when I was dating Rob because he is a diabetic and had a couple of foot infections that landed him in the hospital. They are mad at my other bro & sisters for other stupid reasons.
I stopped talking to them 5 1/2 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. They are too toxic for me and my family. Because I stopped talking to them, they decided to disown me. It was a domino affect for my bro & sis'. I get sad when I see & read stories of people close with their parents, but I just couldn't deal with them. They don't even know we have a newly adopted son. The good news is, I know I will never be like that with my son. I am happy to say I am the total opposite of my parents, I'm a better person for it.
I hope your sister responds to you and you are able to make up. You will probably never be the closest of friends, but at least you can try to bury the hatchet.
Good luck! :cuddle;
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:cuddle; Hugs to you Skyedog..... You'll always be family to me :2thumbsup;
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Sluff, I hope you hear from your family soon. Just remember you have a very large extended family. We all care. :grouphug;
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Sluff, Christmas is coming. Maybe this year you could set up a hidden cameraon the porch, catch your sis dropping gifts, then post it on Youtube so we can all see her army crawl across the lawn with a bag of gifts in her teeth so she doesn't get caught and have to say hello!
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Sluff, Christmas is coming. Maybe this year you could set up a hidden cameraon the porch, catch your sis dropping gifts, then post it on Youtube so we can all see her army crawl across the lawn with a bag of gifts in her teeth so she doesn't get caught and have to say hello!
Hahahah! Free presents though, right?