I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: Des on September 10, 2009, 07:10:13 AM
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Excerpt from a Dog's Diary.........
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally handicapped.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
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What a cute posting... You must really like animals. I can see my dog, before he died, writing that post. Thank you for posting it.
I realize I have somehow really offended you but honestly I can't recall ever communicating with you before right now. I saw you posting with David13 many times but didn't see anything that could concern me. If I tried to come across as somekind of expert (as I read you signature) please accept my apology. I certainly am not-- on anything. If I tried to imply you were not an expert on anything, then is wasn't my intention as I don't really know who you are or your background or anything. I am at a lost as to what I should apologize for but I truly never purposely hurt people (unless they jump on me). Especially someone with an appreciation for animals as you've shown in this post. Again, I do sincerely apologize for whatever I may have said.
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I love this bit from George Carlin. Caution: language
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDKRyJIrYZY
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I love cats and dogs and children ( sometimes ) :pray;
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What a cute posting... You must really like animals. I can see my dog, before he died, writing that post. Thank you for posting it.
I realize I have somehow really offended you but honestly I can't recall ever communicating with you before right now. I saw you posting with David13 many times but didn't see anything that could concern me. If I tried to come across as somekind of expert (as I read you signature) please accept my apology. I certainly am not-- on anything. If I tried to imply you were not an expert on anything, then is wasn't my intention as I don't really know who you are or your background or anything. I am at a lost as to what I should apologize for but I truly never purposely hurt people (unless they jump on me). Especially someone with an appreciation for animals as you've shown in this post. Again, I do sincerely apologize for whatever I may have said.
No appologies neccessary..... I likes you lots and I love animals lots...... ( I won't be doing any jumping soon though. hehehehheeh)
REALLY, WE ARE COOL!
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Love it , love it , love it ! :rofl;
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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door..
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they -
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug using people,
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children....
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LMAO :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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Lovit....... :)
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Oh my, Richard and Des, I could barely read these to my husband through the laughter! So fun, and so true! :rofl;
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LOL
Both of these are VERy funny.
Good friday laughs.....
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So funny!
I have heard that people don't won cats, cats own people and that has been true of the cats who have owned me!!
:rofl; :rofl;
Also that people can train dogs and cats can train people. :rofl; :rofl;