I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Spouses and Caregivers => Topic started by: Inara on July 09, 2009, 01:55:31 PM
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Have you ever just felt so overwhelmed that you just want to, well, die?
Is it just me? I feel so alone right now. I just wish I wasn't here...........sometimes it hurts too much to be alive.....
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Inara, you've come to the right place. What's got you so upset? We are only a keyboard away. :cuddle;
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Thank you so much for being so kind and understanding...you don't know what it means to me.
I just feel so alone.
I go to work and take care of sick people on dialysis. I come home and take of Leslie (on dialysis) and our teen girls. Some days it's just too much. It's like it's all about everyone but me. I've been a caregiver my whole life....when do I get taken care of? Apparently, never.
My dear husband is feeling neglected, and rightfully so.
And here, in the shadows, is me...feeling nearly suicidal...feeling like no one really loves me...feeling like those in my life only care for me for what I can do for them. Feeling like I'd be better off dead.
I'm so sorry...I shouldn't have bothered anyone with this. Please forgive me....
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Oh Inara, I know exactly what you are saying. Somehow, someway, you need to find time for yourself. Trust me, I know how hard that can be and how guilty you will feel about yourself doing it. You will get the message here that you need time for yourself. I go shopping when I can, read, do cross stitching, try to work on my dollhouses that I build and do things with and for my children and grandchildren. Take the girls to a movie, go take a craft class, go for a drive (even just locally) and take some deep breaths.
I am right there with you on the always been a caregiver. I have been caring for someone since I was 11 and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My Mom died when I was 11 and I tried to take care of my father and the house and go to school, my Mom's best friend called the authorities and my father sent me to live with my 76 year old grandmother (I cared for her until she died at 86), during this time I married and had 2 children (3 more to take care of), throw in a couple of other family members that nobody else wanted to take care of. I remarried and his Mom immediately moved in with us (she was dying of Pancreatic cancer), my father had remarried and I got a telephone call from her when my father had open heart surgery to ask if I could come to West Virginia and stay with her (now mind you, this women could stand the ground I walked on), but her own daughter (a nurse by the way), couldn't be bothered that her own Mom couldn't drive and lived in the sticks. Oh, don't get me started on that one. In 2001 my hubby went into the hospital for a bowel resection and things went downhill really fast. He spent 6 months to the day in the hospital, was in a induced coma for 45 days, on ventilator and went to the OR every other day to clean his insides out. He died on me a couple of times and all his organs began to fail, his kidneys couldn't recover. We started out in center but we weren't lucky enough to get a nurse like you so I went for training to do home hemo. My hubby had an open abdominal wound for 4 1/2 years with mesh that I had to change the bandgages on 2 times a day. He has had many drains and so many other things I can't even remember anymore. He got a transplant 9/07 and things still aren't as they should be.
I think you are a remarkable person with all you do and how much you care for the ones you love. Make a date night with your hubby. Come here for support and a good rant. Ask the girls to start helping with things more, don't take it all on yourself. Well, I wanted to make you feel better and I ended up ranting. Funny how that works. Show up here, we listen and we care. :cuddle;
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Please don't apologise. You have every right to feel bad and every right to talk about it. I think it's fantastic that you can vent here, but I really think also you you talk to a professional about your feelings. I can't imagine having to deal with all this at work AND at home! Wow, you are a saint. Can you organise to have a break for a bit from Leslie? I think you should talk to her about how you feel and try to organise some respite care for yourself. You are so important - too important to get so worn down by it all!
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I soooo appreciate the quick responses.
I've read and re-read every single word you two wrote. And I still can't quit crying.....it's been well over 24 hours of crying....
I KNOW I need professional help and I don't think I can keep from hurting myself much longer. I'm going to do the right thing and go to the hospital. My hubby's already called 911......I know if I stay at home I'll try to kill myself. (I'm saying that knowing that everyone here on the boards will think I"m crazy forever....I don't know if I'll ever be able to show my "e-face" here again).
I'm so sorry for everything. Please forgive me for being so weak...........I hear the ambulance sirens now. I am truly a failure..........You are all so much stronger than me.
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You are not a failure. You are amazing. We're thinking of you. God, we've all felt like you believe me.
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Inara - please post as often as you need to. We all have good days and bad. I am glad your husband called for help. You aren't weak, you're human. Sadly we all have a breaking point, yet we never know when it can happen. I hope you'll let us know how you're doing. Sending you lots of hugs! :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
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Inara, I am so sorry. :'( I would never say anything to upset you. I pray that you are getting the help you deserve and that you will let us know when you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :cuddle;
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You are not alone. We all get to feeling like that sometimes. All of us feel for you so just remember that our prayers are with you always. keep us all posted on how you are doing.
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I have to send you love and hugs all the way from South Africa.
We are here for each other. That is why this site is SO amazing.... You will not be judged and you must show your "e-face" here often.
I don't know what I would have done without the IHD people........
For the first time in my life ; I have friends that truly understand......
Please come back and know that we care...
Love and hugs
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Inara, I hope you start feeling better soon, you are most definitely NOT alone and admitting how you were feeling is a huge act of courage so I think you're way stronger than you even know. I too hope that you will be back posting soon and please realize how much we care. You've been carrying a huge burden and I hope you find a way to get some relief from it. :grouphug; :cuddle; :grouphug;
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I am so glad you decided to get help. Sometimes the physical and emotional stress of life can be too much to handle by yourself. I am so proud of you. I have come to learn there is nothing wrong in asking for help. It took me 47 years to understand it but by golly I finally reached it.
This site is wonderful. It has helped me cope with my daughter passing away. In the past I kept everything inside and didn't talk to people about my feeling. Just wish I would have found this site earlier. I think Sarah would have gotten a benefit from it too.
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:grouphug; sending you love and hugs. How are you doing today?
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Hi all. this is Leslie.
Inara had a terrible blow yesterday. God bless her, she does so much for others already, but yesterday she learned that her dear grandmother has alzheimers. it was just too much for her. In addition to helping me and our daughters, her patients at work, now she has to try to help her grandma. She also feels terribly guilty about her husband (who is such a wonderful man, by the way)...she feels shes ignoring him and worries constantly about her marriage. since she's a nurse, her family just automatically assumes she'll handle things. but she's just one woman! how much can one person do?
I'm going to see her tonight at the hospital (she checked herself in and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder...no wonder!) she can leave whenever she wants, but elected to stay and start therapy and anti-anxiety meds. I will pass on all your kind words to her when i see her.
sorry if this is sloppy, i'm not exactly computer literate! luckily, my daughter is and agreed to help me out!
Leslie
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Leslie,
Thank you so much for the update. We were worried about her. Please tell her we are sending lots of hugs and love and we will be here when she comes back. :grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
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:flower;
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Oh Leslie, thanks so much for the update. I felt so quilty last night, I could of kick myself in the butt for opening my big mouth. Please give her a big hug from me and tell her to get the rest she needs. :cuddle;
Leslie, you and your daughter should join our group.
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Leslie, thank you for letting us know. My heart aches for Inara. We women try to take care of everyone and do everything and we don't take care of ourselves. We are always last on our list. Please give her our love and tell her we look forward to her posts when she gets home. Tell her we are all here for her to lean on and we all truly know how she feels. Life can be so overwhelming. It helps to share our fears and problems here with friends. :grouphug;
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It is good to hear the update. I hope the meds and therapy will help. So much to go through!
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God bless and help her.
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Inara, you've given and given, and now it's time to allow others to give to you.
Sending love and a big big hug...
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I appreciate the update as well. I kept thinking, there but for the grace of God go I. Inara had much more going on than I do. What a heavy load for her.
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Inara and Leslie,
My thoughts and good wishes are with both of you. I met with my doctor a couple weeks ago and we talked about my depression. It was the first time in my life that I had spoken about it to a professional.
It just gets to be too much for caregivers sometimes. I hope you find some much needed support so that you can get your bearings again.
Hugs. :grouphug;
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I have been so scared about what may have happened so I'm very grateful for this update. Please give Inara my love and best wishes - and the same to you and your daughter too Leslie. Bless you all, :grouphug;
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I have experienced times in my life were the stress was high. At one point (1999 ) we found out my Dad had cancer so he came to live with my kids and me. So I was taking my Dad to chemo, my daughter to dialysis and dealing with a soon to be ex-husband ( who is an alcoholic ) wanting me to come back to him. Gee now that I read this kinda sounds like a soap opera. :) Well anyway sometimes you just have to decide you are not wonder woman and make decesions. I found I could no longer properly take care of my Dad because between the cancer, chemo and pain medications he became very confused. I admitted him to the nursing home I was working at parttime, so I still could see that he was taken care. He lived there two months and then passed away. I sat with him when he died holding his hand and trying to make him comfortable. Putting cool washcloths on his forehead because he was running a temp., swabbing his mouth, turning him etc. Well now I am running on.....
Guess I'm just wanting you to know that I am thinking of you and want you to know you have people here to talk when you feel frustrated, upset and yes happy !
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Inara,
I hope your doing better and I am glad your getting the help you need. I too have felt hopeless....I had to go back on dialysis after 17 years. Then my PD cather got a tunnel infection and had to be removed. I got so sad that I called my mom sobbing and said I didn't know if I could do this all again. And that I didn't think I wanted to.
None of us are strong all of the time. You have everyone in the forum to lean on. We're all in it together! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
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This is Leslie again.
Inara said to be sure to let everyone know that she's okay and she really really appreciates everyone's responses. she said that it made her feel so much better to know she's not alone in feeling so "utterly hopeless".
I've been to see her every day she's in the hospital. she's been there for me every time i'm in the hospital, so i don't mind AT ALL! I must say that she really scared me. i've never seen her so down. she was so pale, so fragile looking. she's a tiny little person anyway...5 feet 4 inches, about 90 pounds soaking wet. she looked like a little lost girl! she's usually so strong.
anyway i'm not sure what else to say other than thank you all! she's coming home tomorrow! and we're doing all we can to help her. i actually talk to her parents and told them she may need help in taking care of her grandma and they are going to be taking care of her (at least until Inara is feeling better). and i'm taking care of our daughters til she's able!
sorry again for my spelling...
Leslie
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PS: (I just remembered this)
Inara asked me to again thank everyone here. we live in such a small backward southern town. there are limited resources here. she may not post much but she really counts on this site as a resource.
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Leslie, you are a wonderful friend! I wish we all had someone in our lives like you. Thank you for letting us know how Inara is doing. And let her know she is among friends here. Please give her our love and tell her we are waiting for her to come back. Thank you, Leslie :grouphug;
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:waving; Thank you Leslie!
Inara, I hope to see you posting soon! Take care, let people care for YOU for awhile!
:grouphug;
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This is Inara.
All I can say is WOW.
I expected to be seen on this site as an outcast, a weak person, a failure. I was so embarrassed that I figured I wouldn't able to post again.
But all I find upon my return here is kindness, love, and support beyond belief. Words cannot express my gratitude. God bless Epoman for starting this site........it has been nothing but a blessing......... :bow;
You were all there for me at my lowest and I cannot thank ya'll enough. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I'll be posting again soon (for the moment, I've got Xanax on the brain! lol)
Love to you ALL!
Inara
PS: I'm trying to talk Leslie into getting her own account here........she's such a precious soul and has so much to add....
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Hi Inara, so pleased to see you back, I'm glad yo can see how loved you are, we are all here for one another - we are family, support is what we do best (well support and information).
Leslie would be a welcome member of the family, she has been great in keeping us informed, we were very worried for you.
Oh I am so pleased you are back :cheer: :clap; :yahoo; xxx
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Thank you, Rose. I was just re-reading all the posts and it has moved me to tears (happy tears, though! :)).
We truly are family. Thanks again to EVERYONE!
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Inara! I am so happy to see you posting again. You've been on my mind big time and I want to say again that I hope you'll never be ashamed of speaking your feelings. We're always here to listen and although no thanks are necessary or expected, it's nice to know that what we say can bring some comfort. Kudos to you for getting the help you needed and I hope you keep on feeling better. :cuddle;
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You made it back here. Great! Hope to hear from you lots.
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How wonderful to read your post! This is the best thing I have seen all day! IHD is a very special group of people. There is a lot of information, but the support we give each other is invaluable. The day will come when you will be the one to give the support and a shoulder to lean on. Till that day, we are here for you. A burdon is always easier to carry when it is shared. And you have friends around the world who are ready and willing to share your burdons. So glad to see you posting :cuddle; And a special "hi" to Leslie.
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:yahoo; :bandance; :clap; :cheer: Inara. I am so happy to see your post. I have been so worried about you. You take some time for you and remember that we are as close as your keyboard away. I hope Leslie does decide to join us and share her insight. Hope to hear from you soon. :cuddle;
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Inara, I am so very pleased that you are feeling better. I didn't post earlier, because I simply did not know how to respond, but I was so worried. It is wonderful to see you back.
Please take care of yourself. You are important to us.
Aleta
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As my husband gets sicker he is falling into a deeper depression and his mood is bleeding onto me. He already takes mega doses of antidepressants. His primary told him that he isn't surprised that Jim feels like hell, his body has too many toxins circulating. Yesterday I called his neph and we discussed a transplant (I am going to be tested as a donor if Jim agrees to be evaluated for the surgery). We talked about starting dialysis before the 'numbers' indicate he needs it. However according to the doctors experience people who begin dialysis generally feel better in the beginning then hit a wall and start feeling crappy again and go back into depression. So, what's a wife to do? His neph is going to encourage him to be evaluated and get on the list. Like all of you have stated, best to get on the list as soon as possible. You can always say no if your name comes up. His neph told me many of his patients say no to all treatments and just let the disease take its course.
Guess it's time to see my counselor again, and according to my sister-in-law I should be meeting with my clergy. Damn! :stressed;
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Was going to share more, but not ready yet.
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We'll be here when you feel ready :cuddle;
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:grouphug; :cuddle; :grouphug; these are for you Inara.
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:cuddle;
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Just know that we care :cuddle;
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We are here for you. :grouphug;
We are really all in this together.
Take care, Inara.
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We love updates, but only when you are able to do it! :grouphug;
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I think of you often. Just hope the best for you! :grouphug;
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Just wondering how you are doing? Think of you often.....
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You are all to kind and sweet! I can't even read thru all this without crying!
I'm doing much, much better. I'm still too ashamed to post any details of what exactly occurred the day I started the thread.....let's just say, it wasn't pretty.
Since then, Leslie and our daughters are doing SOOOO much more to help lighten the load. They never, ever meant to burden me, but just didn't realize how stressed out I was. I know now to tell my loved ones when I'm feeling overwhelmed instead of pretending everything's okay.
My husband took me to the mountains for a 3 day weekend recently and I feel we really reconnected. I needed that! I love this man with all heart and I felt I was neglecting him. That hurt me more than anything!
I'm also considering leaving the dialysis field. I'm actively searching for a job in long-term care (which is my "first love"). I've been a dialysis nurse for nearly 9 years now and it's hard. No matter what happens with me professionally, I'll always be there to take of Leslie, so I hope I'm still welcome here!
Again, thanks to you all!
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Inara,I am so glad you are getting help at last. I am only looking after one person and I don't work, I find it also stressful. To think you have had all this to cope with , I think you are a wonderful person, you just need time to your self and a lot of help from your family and friends. Take care. Lots of hugs.
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Inara,
I am very glad to hear that you are much better!
You are a special person and you will always be welcome on this site. You have not lost you knowledge.... and I for one need it for the things to come.
Hugs
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Inara, I think all here would tell you that you'll always be welcome, even if you never did another single thing related to D. You're here, you're one of us and I look forward to your posts.
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Inara, I'm happy to see your post and please keep posting. :cuddle;
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Inara, I am so glad that you are doing better. I think of you often.
You ARE part of this family whatever you do in the future. And I truly hope that you can find the right balance in your life of caring for yourself and caring for others.
:cuddle; :grouphug;
Aleta
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Inara, I am sending kind thoughts your way.
I worry about you. Please come to us for help whenever you need it.
:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug;
Aleta