I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Off-Topic => Off-Topic: Talk about anything you want. => Topic started by: okarol on January 10, 2009, 01:08:17 AM
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Looking Your Best
by Amy Ozols January 5, 2009
THE NEW YORKER
People say that obesity is an epidemic in America, but I’m determined not to become part of the problem. That’s why I’ve spent years perfecting the secret to a trim and attractive physique. My foolproof system involves just nine easy steps.
Step 1: Avoid what psychologists refer to as “emotional eating.” This is hard, because many people have a tendency to experience emotions. To solve this problem, consume increasing dosages of psychotropic medications until you cease to feel emotions of any kind.
Step 2: Visualize yourself as a thin person. This is very important, because the body often takes its signals from the brain. Each time you take a bite of food, imagine that you are a thin person taking a bite of food, chewing the food, then spitting the food into a napkin, then tucking the napkin into your backpack or purse. After you’re done visualizing these things, start doing them.
Step 3: Get rid of your “fat clothes.” Keeping your closet stocked with unflattering garments will only distract you from your quest for a slender body. To complete this step, shred or burn everything in your closet, including any hangers or shelving that a fat person may have touched. Refrain from donating anything to charity, as this could cause underprivileged people to become obese, which would be unsavory and possibly even illegal.
Step 4: Refrain from consuming food.
Step 5: Surround yourself with thin people. This will naturally encourage you to emulate their healthy habits. Weigh your friends on a regular basis, then weigh yourself. Do you have a friend who weighs less than you? If so, consider gastric bypass surgery.
Step 6: Drink plenty of water. As you’ve probably heard, water functions as a natural lubricant in the body, flushing toxins and fat cells from the digestive tract. Water is also a delicious replacement for higher-fat liquids, such as milk. Try pouring water on your cereal or in your coffee. If you’re a baby, try pouring water into your mother’s breasts.
Step 7: Buy a pet. Having a pet will force you to take walks, which are a form of exercise. This is true unless you make the mistake that I made, which was buying an iguana. Iguanas walk very slowly and smell strongly of turds. I really cannot dissuade you strongly enough from buying an iguana.
Step 8: Vigorous sexual intercourse burns up to two hundred calories per hour. Therefore, if you are not currently promiscuous, it is essential that you begin “boning” immediately. Start by having sex with every person you know. Then have sex with numerous people you have never met. Continue doing this until you are thin.
Step 9: Self-confidence is the most attractive trait a person can have. For this reason, strive to love yourself and accept yourself exactly as you are. This will be difficult if you are overweight, on account of your loathsome physical appearance and compromised value system, but do your best. And, if the going gets tough, remind yourself: every person is beautiful on the inside, provided that they are also extremely attractive on the outside. ♦
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/01/05/090105sh_shouts_ozols
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It's early and it took me a few moments to catch on. It was the "spit the food into the napkin" part that finally put the light bulb on for me. :rofl;
As a preteen and teenager I spent my summers in a beach community populated by "beautiful people." (My father's service business was there) I knew girls and women who would do anything to stay thin. This can end up as anorexia and bulimia, which is very sad. I never had that problem and have remained a little pudgy most of my life.
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I prefer to use the word sluffy. :rofl;
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and this coming from someone who (unlike me) looks like she never puts anything in her mouth!
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Very funny, I guess one could pick a few to try? :rofl;
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I thought it was funny because I am always trying to learn about good eating habits. I lost 40 lbs. last year but it was a lot of work. If I had only thought to put water on my cereal! That's a hot tip! :rofl;
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CRAP I WISH I WOULD HAVE READ NUMBER 8 BEFORE I GOT THIS FREAKIN LAP BAND
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I have always said that I was built for comfort NOT speed. :rofl; Another of my sayings is, if I was taller, I would not be overweight. :rofl;
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CRAP I WISH I WOULD HAVE READ NUMBER 8 BEFORE I GOT THIS FREAKIN LAP BAND
I wish I could DO # 8! :'(
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I gotta pass this on :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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How about fistfuls of laxatives every day. I heard it works like a charm. Haven't tried it yet.
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How about fistfuls of laxatives every day. I heard it works like a charm. Haven't tried it yet.
You do that and get back to me on that.
I'd rather try #8 :rofl; :rofl; :shy;
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I think we ALL want more #8!!! Whatta bunch
we are! :rofl; :rofl;
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How about fistfuls of laxatives every day. I heard it works like a charm. Haven't tried it yet.
I've heard of that one. Tough if you use public transportation, or do dialysis!
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<snicker>
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/sigh
I do not remember #8
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How about fistfuls of laxatives every day. I heard it works like a charm. Haven't tried it yet.
I've heard of that one. Tough if you use public transportation, or do dialysis!
Isn't that what New York is famous for though :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
#8 would make me want to exercise more :rofl; :rofl; No need to buy a gym access, just dinner, a movie, or some venue. :rofl; :rofl;