I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: Lucinda on September 26, 2008, 01:19:26 AM
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My ex-boyfriend wants to have tests done to see if he can give me a kidney. I already know we are the same blood type. He knows I don't want a transplant but he said that if anything ever happened to me that was lifethreatening that he would like me to have the comfort in knowing there was a kidney there ready to go just in case. I have bad veins so he thinks I will have problems with my access.
Problem is, my husband would be absolutely 100 percent against it. Even though my ex and I are still very close - more like brother and sister - he would think it was really inappropriate. I must admit, to know that I have a safety net if I ever need one is very reassuring. My ex simply put it to me that .....You still own a part of my heart so you may as well have a whole one of my kidneys. He said it would be an absolute honour to contribute to my life and wellbeing and as he has no children who are dependent on him that it is not a hard decision to make.
I wouldn't want to do it behind my husband's back but I wonder what he would do if he were in the same position. I would really appreciate some thoughts on this. xxxx
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Gee tough one Lucinda. I can see both sides of this.
It sounds like your ex is sincere with his wishes (and remember that should any donation proceed, part of it will be a psych evaluation - including potential motives and so on, and that will involve all of you considering the situation) and that is a wonderful offer to have - specially from an ex who could have every reason to NOT want to do something like that for you!
The angle perhaps that you might want to take with hubby is that kidneys are as rare as hens teeth, and if the ex is a decent match for you (as in HLA matches, not just blood group), then that is definitely an option you should consider (if you should decide to go down that path, since right now you don't want to - but you may well change your mind!!! :) ). Specially if hubby or no other relatives/friends are a match.
Just two days ago I was at a Kidney transplantation seminar put on by the renal unit here and they put emphasis on the obvious benefits of a live donation over cadaveric - obviously the kidney will not be in a distressed state, and won't be packed in ice and flown (potentially) from one end of the country to the other, and the time between it being extracted and put in can be measured in minutes rather than many hours. Proper plans and preparation can be made for the donation by a schedule that suits everyone, and everyone can be prepared for what they need to do.
I also believe at the end of the day that as with pregnancy issues (like abortion, etc) it is YOUR body and you should get the final say what happens - if you go for a transplant or not, and if you decide to take a donated organ from whoever you like. If YOU feel comfortable that the offer is totally altruistic and that the ex wants nothing more than to help you have a more normal life than what is bad about that?
I think it is beautiful what the ex said to you and shows a special sort of person to want to do that. Hopefully, should you seriously want to go down this path in the future, your husband can see that and apprieciate it for what it is - since if it did come to pass he could really reap the benefits of a Lucinda with full energy and no restrictions!!!! :)
Well that's my two cents....
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I would encourage you to turn it down, because he has said that it is intended to stay close and get closer to you- you see it as brother/ sister, he's still hoping.
Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for a kidney? This is what happens when you do not maintain good boundaries around your relationship with your spouse. This guy is trying to get past those boundaries to get closer to you. Your husband knows this and is trying to fend him off.
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Hey Wallyz - That's an interesting perspective. I can definitely see that point of view. I guess Lucinda would know in her heart if he was being legitimate or it may be a ploy for something more. As I said in my response I'm sure the relationship situation would come under scrutiny by the psych evaluation part of things because I know motivation, specially in non-related,non-spouse donations, is considered.
Of course the real issue here (I think) is not so much what the ez may hope to gain by doing something like this (by that I mean gain more than the feeling of doing something wonderful/special for Lucinda) - it's how Lucinda might handle something like that. I mean the other side of the coin here is that if hubby wasn't happy with the proposed deal does that suggest he does not trust Lucinda? If the relationship between Lucinda and her hubby was rock solid then surely he would have no reason to worry about what an ex does or wants, because he would know that Lucinda wouldn't ever "go there."
I get the feeling from what Lucinda posted that she feels the intent of the ex is sincere enough. The other thing we don't know is how they parted or even if the ex is involved with someone else now (and if so, how they may feel about the offer). Lucinda?
I know if I could give a gift like that to a select couple of ex-girlfriends of mine (some special ladies dear to me) I would.. but that doesn't mean I'd be wanting anything else from them other than the feeling that I'd done something good for someone I cared about. Even more so if they were involved with someone new - doubly so if they were married.
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Interesting dilemma. If you really want a transplant then I think you explore many scenarios. As mentioned, a good kidney is hard to find. But to even begin the evaluation process you would have to encounter insecurity from your husband, and that ultimately could be a wedge between you if you decided to go forward with this without his blessing. It seems to me that your husband would want to give you the best chance for health, but feels threatened by having your ex-boyfriend's organ in you (hehehe) and there's not much you can do about that if you want peace in your home. It's interesting that your husband doesn't object to you having a brother/sister type friendship now. Is he friends with you ex too?
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if this was turned around and your husband needed a kidney from an ex- what would you think
I think you should take it, kidneys and donors are not easy to come by
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Thanks everyone. I will clear a couple of issues up that I didn't include. Yes, the ex is in another relationship and has been since we broke up over five years ago. He is just one of the really genuinely nice Irish lads. And no, I don't think his girlfriend would be thrilled with he idea.
As for my husband, he and my ex have very little to do with each other. The ex and I would like us all to be friends but neither of our partners wants that. On the opposite side of the coin, my husband has five ex-wives and the expectation is that I am friendly with all of them for the sake of his kids. There were children in all the relationships bar one. I don't have a problem with that. If he were in my position and I didn't have a kidney problem I would be the first to offer him a kidney. But he would never consider doing that.
I think he judges me the way he has behaved. He left one wife for another woman, married the other woman and after two years went back to the previous wife - and nine months later back to the other wife again. He probably thinks I will do the same with the ex but there is absolutely no way. We have both moved on.
I don't think I have ever mentioned how I found out about my kidney problem. I was working for a doctor and a friend of mine had a kidney problem and I asked him about being a donor. Because we had renal problems in our family the doctor I worked for suggested doing some bloods and that is how I found out. Donating an organ I didn't need is something I would do in a heartbeat and I think my ex is the same.
It is not something I have to decide in a hurry. I will see how I go with the dialysis and then maybe take a look at it then. In reality, it probably just wouldn't be worth the grief and as I have posted many times, I am happy to work with dialysis rather than look at having a transplant. But as I always say......never say never.
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Lucinda,
RichardMel said it all -- donor kidneys are as rare as hen's teeth. I say take him up on the offer -- if you decide you want a transplant. If your hubby doesn't understand how a transplant can make your life and health better (better than dialysis, in MY opinion -- just my opinion), then I think I'd really be worried. If you decide not to accept the ex's offer and later decide to pursue a kidney transplant, does hubby want to approve of that donor, too?
If you don't want the ex to be tested for you, would he consider giving a kidney to my husband, Marvin? We'd take one from just about anyone...just kidding! No, wait, I'm not kidding! Do you know how many people are waiting and would love to have a living donor step forward? Even though we think dialysis is going quite well for Marvin, we still hope and pray for another transplant. If any of Marvin's old girlfriends came forward with an offer like this, I'd be grateful and more than willing to accept.
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I would like to give my ex wife one of mine.
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I would grab it in a heartbeat!
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I would like to give my ex wife one of mine.
You're bad!!! Funny, but bad! :rofl;
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I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!
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I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!
but would you TRADE your hubby for one?
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Tough choice - your health or the health of your marriage. My health problems ended my marriage, so I'm not sure what I'd choose. . .
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If I had known years ago, I would have asked for one of her kidneys in the "equal distribution of assets".
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I've already given Marvin one of my kidneys, and his doctors won't let me give him the other one (boo hiss). But, Marvin has a standing offer for both of my ovaries if he ever wants one (he says no).
I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!
but would you TRADE your hubby for one?
If she wants it (kidney from ex) and hubby says no just because of who it's from, then, yes, I'd trade him for it -- in a skinny, damn minute!
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I can understand how this would be a difficult decision for some, but my husband is extremely secure in our love and I don't think he'd hesitate to second to call my ex personally and thank him with all his heart. It might eat him up, but he'd be willing to swallow his pride for my life, I'd think.
Keeping in mind I dated my ex a long time ago and not just before meeting my husband.
It truly is a difficult decision. Good Luck with the outcome! :cuddle;
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I'd trade my husband for some M&M's. :rofl; Just kidding. He is worth some peanut butter cups too.
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I'd trade my husband for some M&M's. :rofl; Just kidding. He is worth some peanut butter cups too.
I love and appreciate my husband with all my heart, but there are days I think "How can I fake my death?"
mmmmm, M & M's....
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Hi Lucinda,
The following is not to offend or disrespect anyone. Your husband if he truly loves you and is confident and trustworthy of your relationship with him he would NOT have a problem for your x to give you a kidney. I think he is being pretty selfish. I was in the same situation. My boyfriend hated and I mean HATED my x but he said that if I asked my x to donate he would be okay with it because he loved me to much to see me suffer through dialysis. In the end it was my boyrfriend that donated the kidney to me. It broke my heart when it rejected and I winded up in dialysis anyway but I knew how much he loved me bc he would have allowed my x to donate if he was a match. I think its ridiculous not to talk to x's or their new lovers. Unless of course something happened. If someone truly loves you and sees you suffering they will do anything for you or be involved in hard situations for you. I mean we are not talking about going on a trip or something trivial ..we are talking about saving someone's life or not have them suffer through dialysis.
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Okay...I asked my husband what he'd do and now I have to recant my earlier statement. Man, you think you know somebody... ;)
Actually, he said it would really depend on the situation. I mean the past relationship with said ex and how close we were, etc. etc. He thinks the same as some of you in that obviously the realationship between the donor and recipient would change and deepen (I agree). He did say it would be a very tough decision. And then he said "Dialysis wouldn't be so bad. ha ha ha ha ha" Jerk.
It's your life. Life being the key word. Again, good luck!
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Lucinda, what a position to be in. If one of Otto's x's wanted to give him a kidney I'd be OK with it. Now Otto on the other side might have some jealousy issues. Have I told ya lately how glad I am that your back? :cuddle;
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I think my husband might encourage me to have an affair if it meant that the chosen lover would give me a kidney. He might want to see blood work and test results first (you could call it a pre-condition) but if it would get me healthy and back to wilderness canoe trips with him, heck he might divorce me and marry the guy himself.
I'm just joking of course but your situation is a very tricky one Lucinda, and makes me think of a famous quote by a French writer, Blaise Pascal. "The heart has its reasons, which reason cannot know."
Emotion often overpowers logic especially in relationship matters and sorting out the two can't really be a rush job.
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Thanks again everyone. I think I will put the decision on hold a while. Gutless I know. I know if the position were reversed, I would give him a kidney in a heartbeat but we all know that decision is not for everyone. Mind you, if he were in my position if I didn't give him one, he has five ex-wives to choose from!!! It just makes me laugh that the expectation is that I am friendly with all his ex's for the sake of all the kids yet my ex is off limits his logic being that we don't have to see each other because there are no kids involved. Not entirely true. My oldest dog was my ex's as well and I am sure he would still like to see her occasionally. I can't remember if I have put this in another post but he judges me by his own behaviour. He left every wife he has been with for another woman and one of his wives he left, married someone else, went back to the previous wife and then back to the next wife again. I know what you are thinking. No......I didn't find that out until well after we were married. The kids told me!!! As for his matrimonial addiction, I am pretty sure I am last in line. The ex and his offer are not going anywhere so I will start dialysis see how I go and then make the decision a little further down the track. I really appreciate all your help though. Thanks again everyone. If it hadn't been for the support on this site I wouldn't even be thinking about making this decision. As some of you might remember, like lola, I wasn't even going to start any form of treatment. Everyone here was instrumental in helping me through those dark days.....especially gorgeous Susie....and of course my darling RichardMel...and I have realised that that you should never shut the door to your options. My ex's offer is yet another option and I am going to leave that door wide open. xxxx
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:cuddle; Here's to doing what's best for you, whatever that may be! You know we're behind you!!!
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If your hubby truly loves you he would not stand in the way of getting a healthy wife back through a new kidney transplant.
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I think my husband might encourage me to have an affair if it meant that the chosen lover would give me a kidney. He might want to see blood work and test results first (you could call it a pre-condition) but if it would get me healthy and back to wilderness canoe trips with him, heck he might divorce me and marry the guy himself.
I know this is a serious thread, but really Gail you just crack me up.
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I believe at the end of the day, Lucinda, this needs to be your decision and not your husband's.If he is not secure enough to allow you to have a lifesaving procedure I don't know if he is worth a M&M..........Petey....I would love to give Marvin my ovaries if he needs them...no problem, just let me know. Flip, you may have an idea going forward for others....distribution of organs as assets. Hmmm.....The first thing my honey said when we found out about my ESRD was "let me give you one of my kidneys" but I told him no as almost every member of his family has diabetes and he may just need his second one, so we deal with dialysis.
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Mine was meant as a joke.....giving my ex a worthless kidney when she doesn't need one. Just a malicious thought.
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I know but really not a bad iidea if organs are working hmmmm???
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I think my husband might encourage me to have an affair if it meant that the chosen lover would give me a kidney. He might want to see blood work and test results first (you could call it a pre-condition) but if it would get me healthy and back to wilderness canoe trips with him, heck he might divorce me and marry the guy himself.
:rofl; :rofl; :bandance; That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. My husband would jump at the chance for me to have a go a a transplant. He wouldn't give a hoot where the kidney came from (as long as it was healthy). For us, Marriage is about trust and not control. I don't mean to disrespect your relationship Cindy, but he really needs to have more trust in you. A transplant option should not be judged on his marriage statistics.
:cuddle; ..... Please keep that door WIDE open. You might change your mind after a few years on dialysis. And the "List" here sucks!!! :grouphug;
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Lucinda,
Does seem a tad hypocritical of him to expect you to get on with his millions of ex's yet you can't have a friendship with yours. Definitely sounds like insecurity mostly because that's the wya he's acted in the past (and just as an aside, doesn't it concern you about what he may do to YOU??? Specially if dialysis gets a real drag etc? I know that is a horrible thing to say but there's clearly a track record there).
You know if I was married to you Lucinda I'd be totally saying go for it. Live donations are so much better, and I'd even potentially push to try and get it done before you started dialysis (well maybe this is moot now if you're starting in november, because a live donor transplant workup usually takes six or so months)... as others have said if hubby is secure in YOUR relationship who cares if it comes from an ex? I would think it was a beautiful gesture from someone who cares for another human being. Specially if he has moved on and well and truly with another woman both partners shouldn't be jealous... the other thing is that the positives for your relationship could be enormous if you did go for the transplant - freedom from D, more energy, more normal ability to live life etc... I'd want that for you so much!!
Lucinda have you guys been invited to and/or attended a transplant seminar to go through the various options and potential outcomes? The renal clinics offer them - here on a yearly basis (we just had one last week) and I'm sure they do in Sydney. It may be useful for you both to attend one in the future.. just to get a better idea of what the real deal is. Just a thought.
No problem to put the idea on hold and see how you go on dialysis etc.. it is wonderful to know you have someone willing to be tested there. I wish I had someone like that!! :)
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I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!
but would you TRADE your hubby for one?
If your husband loves you and knows what love is, he would encourage you to move forward regarding the ex's kidney.
Something I may have missed, but has your husband offered you one of his? If he hasn't, then his standing is lost - he has no right to an opinion.
Seconding an earlier comment, the approval process involves psychological testing. Let "them" work out the motivations issue.
Transplant first or dialysis first?
Rolando had started dialysis and was well on his way to being put on "the list" for a kidney/pancreas transplant when a complication of dialysis nearly killed him and compromised his circulatory system. 5 years later, we're about to start the process again, but the compromised circulatory system may put us out of it. But transplant first was not an option for him.
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You know if I was married to you Lucinda I'd be totally saying go for it. Live donations are so much better, and I'd even potentially push to try and get it done before you started dialysis (well maybe this is moot now if you're starting in november, because a live donor transplant workup usually takes six or so months)... as others have said if hubby is secure in YOUR relationship who cares if it comes from an ex? I would think it was a beautiful gesture from someone who cares for another human being. Specially if he has moved on and well and truly with another woman both partners shouldn't be jealous... the other thing is that the positives for your relationship could be enormous if you did go for the transplant - freedom from D, more energy, more normal ability to live life etc... I'd want that for you so much!!
No problem to put the idea on hold and see how you go on dialysis etc.. it is wonderful to know you have someone willing to be tested there. I wish I had someone like that!! :)
RichardMel,
You are a true sweetheart. If Marvin ever gets mad and leaves me, I'm coming looking for you!!! Of course, I'd probably have to take a number and get in line, wouldn't I? You have a beautiful heart and you're very insightful into what makes for a good relationship, and you're a cutie, too!!!
Sorry, Lucinda, that I hi-jacked your thread and turned it into a "I love RichardMel" thread. Okay, back to the topic at hand...
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I think RMel should auction himself off to the highest IHD bidder. :rofl;
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RichardMel,
You are a true sweetheart. If Marvin ever gets mad and leaves me, I'm coming looking for you!!! Of course, I'd probably have to take a number and get in line, wouldn't I? You have a beautiful heart and you're very insightful into what makes for a good relationship, and you're a cutie, too!!!
Sorry, Lucinda, that I hi-jacked your thread and turned it into a "I love RichardMel" thread. Okay, back to the topic at hand...
No problem with RichardMel stealing this thread. I adore him as well. If I was just 10 years younger then maybe my hubby would be the one in BIG trouble!!!!
Edited: Fixed quote tag error - okarol/admin
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What's truly hilarious about the love-in for me and saying I have all this insight into relationships and stuff that if you actually saw the train wreck that is my love life, and history with women you'd truly think otherwise!!
Take for example the last ex. We dated for over two years - the last year of which was spent by her in China - something I absolutely supported (she went there to teach English to kids) and I felt it would be an amazing opportunity for her to take up etc and I was totally behind it even though obviously I would miss her like crazy, and because of dialysis I couldn't even fly over and spend time with her. Anyway so that was OK.. we survived the year(or so I thought) chatting on line, emails, letters etc.. until she came back and we spent one night together and the next day I took her for her first visit to the dialysis unit (she claimed she wanted to see.. which I thought was good since I never pushed that aspect of things onto her).. Well after that she became more and more distant only responding to messages/texts when I sent them and not even responding to my affection, so when I had enough of that after a few weeks and asked her to have lunch with me in person to a) see her and b) talk properly she basically went silent and didn't even bother to return my messages.. and that was that!! Dumped without even an explanation or anything!!
So this "guru of relationships" has a long way to go I can assure you....
Hey that's a good point about Lucinda's husband.... has he even considered (or talked about offering) to be tested and/or donate? Live donations will be accepted up to age 65ish i think obviously depending on the health of the donor (which may be an issue - I don't know) but it's an interesting point and funny if an ex would offer to do something the current love wouldn't.
Having said that there is an element of fear involved and I believe my own sister was too fearful (not sure why) to offer for some years. I think it took the reality of seeing me on dialysis and what I had to go through and everything - and then our brother being tested (and rejected) for her to come forward... It's certainly not like giving some money or something... giving an organ is a very personal and special gift and not something anyone would do lightly.
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I vote...no, I DEMAND that RichardMel post a close-up photo of his handsome self. RichardMel, you have just (unwillingly) signed up for a FREE dating service compliments of IHD. We will find you a mate, mate.
At least post a close-up.... ;D
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I vote...no, I DEMAND that RichardMel post a close-up photo of his handsome self. RichardMel, you have just (unwillingly) signed up for a FREE dating service compliments of IHD. We will find you a mate, mate.
At least post a close-up.... ;D
NO!!!! people on this site are sick enough already. I will not contribute to more nausea, vomiting and other unwanted side effects!!!! :D
:shy;
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Awwwww..come on RM...picture please....my vision does not allow me to see your features on that little picture....we all want to see your eyes..they are the windows of the soul and I believe your's will be gorgeous....do NOT blame yourself for your ignorant EX...good thing she is an ex or I would have to talk to her...if someone is commited to another one they share the good, bad and in between...and we all definately live in the in between...I feel good most of the time now but just in another world from other people...tonight honey called and we of all things discussed PureFlow and how to start a batch..this is the man who was against NxStage...so there...wow I just derailed this thread..sorry...Lucinda...want me to give your hubby a talking to???? I'll be happy to....all we want is what is best for you and that is what he should want as well.
Ann
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My eyes are difficult to see in pics because of my glasses but trust me they are dead dull boring BROWN!!!!!
Now if I had eyes like the sexy Angela515........
;)
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My eyes are difficult to see in pics because of my glasses but trust me they are dead dull boring BROWN!!!!!
Now if I had eyes like the sexy Angela515........
;)
Sorry Richard, but your personality is WAY too cheeky for your eyes to be dead dull boring brown! Brown eyes CAN be sexy, and most ARE sexy, especially when they belong to bright, flirty, fun personalities like yours! But, your humbleness is also part of your charm ;) Hate to break it to ya, but, you DA MAN!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
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You want my ex's number to tell her that? LOL (Not that I want her back mind you... just to be mean hehe).. maybe you could tell Lucinda's hubby too!!! lmao!
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Did you not read my post properly? I said I DEMAND you post a close-up photo. ;)
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AlohaBeth LOVES brown eyes! Ok, ladies, stand back! I have been trying to hook RichardMelt my heart with one of my daughters for months! If that doesn't work out, I have offered to adopt him. He thinks he might me a tad too old to adopt, but, it is worth thinking about. Although, Lucinda is the closest in distance, so she has first crack at him. I have thought about trying to clone him. Then we would all have our own RichardMelt My Heart :yahoo; :clap; :cheer:
Back to Lucinda, My husband wouldn't be keen on the idea of an ex's kidney inside of me. I think men have a harder time with all of that.
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Well Paris you know I think AlohaBeth is pretty cute so....
uh oops... uh this thread is about Lucinda right? yes... that's right...
yes.. let's talk about that :)
:shy;
PS: Clone me?? are you CRAZY??? Not only would that mean another person with kidney failure in the world but... the mind boggles.. you know Star Wars: The Clone Wars? Man that would have nothing on the panic and mass hysteria that would ensure should I be cloned....
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No.....No....RichardMel's love life is so much more interesting!!!! Hey Paris.....distance is only what you make it. Never say never...... :guitar: (I love this little guy) No.....I'm not calling you "little", Rich.....I am talking about the little bloke on the guitar. Damn, you are so sensitive. :rofl;
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leave it to us to find something funny :rofl; in a very serious thread.(yes i too have a crush on richardmel) lucinda, if i haven't said it before it's good to have you back. just my :twocents; if someone told me i couldn't have the operation necessary to save my life, because they didn't like the surgeon or the donor or the whatever, then they'd probably be on the way out, but that's just me. i am after all an extremely opinionated, stubborner old biddy! the reason my husband and i are no longer together is because he left my developmentally disabled son alone because he didn't want to come home (i had a job interview) he was selfish and i don't deal well with selfish people. and that was the straw that broke the camels back. anyway it isn't an easy decision, but one you might have to make one day. your life shouldn't be lived in pain, or fear or danger because of someone Else's selfishness.
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It IS totally awesome to have Lucinda back with us :)
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I second that, Richard! Lucinda, you have been missed greatly!