TSK, MAAAAAAAN, I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I??? lol, yes boss.......
All taken care of El Capitan!!! Great idea of a thread btw.....
All taken care of El Capitan!!! Great idea of a thread btw.....
Yeah but where is everyone else?
All taken care of El Capitan!!! Great idea of a thread btw.....
Yeah but where is everyone else?
I'm trying to think of some clean ones I can post, or at least how to clean up some of the dirty ones.
A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin:Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even a blind man could see what's been going on!"
The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."
"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."
There are three men that came to the United States from China and they are looking for work. Two of them are large muscle bound guys and the third is your stereotypical chinaman, small in stature and in muscle. They have gone to many places, but can't find anyone who will hire all three of them. One day they walk onto a construction site and talk to the foreman. He says he can find work for the two large Chinese guys easily but their small friend would be a problem. They tell him it's all three or nothing, so since he was shorthanded he agreed. He assigned the two large Chinese men to haul drywall and lumber around, and the smaller Chinese man he put in charge of supplies. As the day went by the two large Chinese men had moved a lot of stuff, and been around the entire site but hadn't seen their friend. At the end of the day the two large Chinese men go up to the foreman and ask if he has seen their friend. He says no, but he has been looking for him all day. All of a sudden the smaller Chinese man jumps out from behind a stack of lumber and yells "SUPPLIES".
Ba - Da - Dum!
Oh Geez! I love these jokes.
Hey, how do I bold correctly?
Not really a joke at all, but didn't know where else to put it. I got this in an email to which I subscribe.
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the old ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Mathematical formula for success:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!
:christmastree;
What do you call a Blonde up in a tree with a briefcase ?
A branch manager.
Hey I am blonde over here!What do you call a Blonde up in a tree with a briefcase ?
A branch manager.
LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT... Those poor blondes, ::)
:)A Canadian take on drug/alcohol abuse at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc
Where do you take a one legged man to dinner?
IHOP!
There was a man sitting by a bridge. He only has one leg. He was feeling sorry for himself. His friend was commisserating with him. A man with no arms ran by looking really happy. The friend turned to the man in the wheelchair and said: "See that guy has it worse than you do! He is happy." Then the guy with no arms ran up to them and said: "If I can't get someone to scratch my ass I am going to go crazy!"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless!
What is 2-1/2 inches long
And can satisfy a woman
EVERYTIME?
What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
Someones getting their butt kicked .... :rofl;
Women's Ass Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny..
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good
man, and they would have married him anyway...
A few things to think about:
Can you cry under water? Hmm, could that be like peeing underwater? if so, then yep!
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? I think anyone in office who is murdered is considered "assassinated" but wait, what if they committed suicide? Would that me an assassincide? or suicinated?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Duh, into the fountain of youth with all my other hundreds and thousands of pennies, that by the way have not done me a bit of good.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Got me on this one, i think physics play a part here.
What disease did cured ham actually have? Must've been high blood pressure and the sodium did it in.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Cuz they finally let the ladies speak up for once.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Well, if you give them the right dose of Dimetapp or Robitussin, they are out like a light, just ask my hubby, oh wait, he is still asleep.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Nah, sounds more like it would be a hand job to me :o
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? on T.V, in a movie, on the table, in the car, where ever, whenever, oh wait, thats not what you were asking, nevermind ::)
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Cuz the person you are looking at in their underwear can get you for being a peeping Tom
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. To place their bets with the nurses to see who can stop from laughing the longest when they do see you nude.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? you would be surprised at just how many "pantieS" i need to support this body of mine :P
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? For my hubby when he pisses me off. yep, it's all about burnt toast today baby!
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? He was an egotistical, self centered, conceited little boy and he wrote it for himself.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Only if the corpse is sitting shotgun.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? You think they really wanted to leave the island with someone like Ginger and MaryAnn there? yah right.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Goofy' my dawg, bet i can get him on all 4's ;)
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? He got the acme crap on credit which back then, they didnt accept credit for food, now, they do, which in turn is why we lost our Visa dammit :P
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Don't even want to go there with this one, ew.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? The guys can probably answer this one better than we can, right ladies :P
Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? yep, sure does
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? To see if i remembered my Alphabet and yes, to see if they do in fact have the same tune. :P
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt? Uh-oh, thanks for reminding me ::)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window? Have you ever noticed when a man asks for a ................nevermind
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.
A few things to think about:
Can you cry under water? Hmm, could that be like peeing underwater? if so, then yep!
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? I think anyone in office who is murdered is considered "assassinated" but wait, what if they committed suicide? Would that me an assassincide? or suicinated?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Duh, into the fountain of youth with all my other hundreds and thousands of pennies, that by the way have not done me a bit of good.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Got me on this one, i think physics play a part here.
What disease did cured ham actually have? Must've been high blood pressure and the sodium did it in.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Cuz they finally let the ladies speak up for once.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Well, if you give them the right dose of Dimetapp or Robitussin, they are out like a light, just ask my hubby, oh wait, he is still asleep.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Nah, sounds more like it would be a hand job to me :o
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? on T.V, in a movie, on the table, in the car, where ever, whenever, oh wait, thats not what you were asking, nevermind ::)
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Cuz the person you are looking at in their underwear can get you for being a peeping Tom
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. To place their bets with the nurses to see who can stop from laughing the longest when they do see you nude.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? you would be surprised at just how many "pantieS" i need to support this body of mine :P
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? For my hubby when he pisses me off. yep, it's all about burnt toast today baby!
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? He was an egotistical, self centered, conceited little boy and he wrote it for himself.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Only if the corpse is sitting shotgun.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? You think they really wanted to leave the island with someone like Ginger and MaryAnn there? yah right.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Goofy' my dawg, bet i can get him on all 4's ;)
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? He got the acme crap on credit which back then, they didnt accept credit for food, now, they do, which in turn is why we lost our Visa dammit :P
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Don't even want to go there with this one, ew.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? The guys can probably answer this one better than we can, right ladies :P
Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? yep, sure does
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? To see if i remembered my Alphabet and yes, to see if they do in fact have the same tune. :P
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt? Uh-oh, thanks for reminding me ::)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window? Have you ever noticed when a man asks for a ................nevermind
I have thought long and hard and my answers are in bold, can anyone else think of answers too :) Hope i didnt offend anyone, if i did, i am sorry ::)
set it on vibrate....
Hey, I am blonde. Are we really that dumb?
they taste funny? hahahaha :rofl; :rofl;
ok, too much suspense.
answer; not enough sand.
:beer1;
GRILLING SEASON
BBQ Rules
After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.
When a man is on the Grill, the following chain of events are put into
motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine.....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....
Olie and sven are coming back from a day at the beach Ole alone, and sven with a few girls on his arm. Later that night, Ole asked Sven how come he gets all the women following him, and Ole sits alone under his umbrella.
So Sven says to Ole, "Ole, every morning I go down to da farmers market an get a long potatoe and pute'er in ma svim trunks, works every time".
Next day Ole takes Sven's advice, but still no girls. Ole finds Sven and says, "dat dere potatoe trick of yores don't work very good dat all!"
Sven looks at Ole, and shaking his head says, "Ole, ven I told you to pute the potatoe in yer trunks, I meant in da front!"
anyone have this exact setup by their door? :rofl;
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken Lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.� My wife asked, do you know her?
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything. ;D
Shy Guy
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
What road does a crazy person take?
psyco path.
What road does a crazy person take?
psyco path.
so would that be the road u are taking to vegas? ? ?
EDITED: Fixed quote tag error - Sluff/ Admin
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." :)
Added BOLD - Epoman
WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." :)
Added BOLD - Epoman
Thank you God for a blonde joke that doesn't make them look stupid!
WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO
Thank you God for a blonde joke that doesn't make them look stupid!
And you don't think it was stupid to tell them it wasn't plugged in?
Perception my dear.. :rofl;
Christmas Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." :snowman;
There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.[/b]
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs
Although I did laugh at the joke p&k, I think it might be better in the premium section. We get kids here sometimes, like my niece and nephew (10 and 14) so we need to be a bit careful I think. Your cautionary "beware" made me laugh too.
:Kit n Stik; sorry
no problem, it was funny!
How do you share a kitkat if there are five people?
:rofl;
Darth, where do you come up with these? :rofl;
Oh Lordy! The wax one got me going and the tazer. What a laugh! I sent the tazer to my daughter and dared her to read it at work!
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for
my dogs.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last
time.
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me..
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick
my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
Ang should post some of the jokes that are sent out in emails. I'm thinking the duck one goes right with the rabbit one Darthvadar posted :rofl;
The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.....
Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...
An unkind Aussie joke...
Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...
Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...
An unkind Aussie joke...
Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...
Ooooops, that should have read 'Wooly'!... :rofl;
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers) . The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do
it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the
so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was
able to peck the Canadian tree? But neither was able to peck the tree in
their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Those are some small sheep there own there, must be minature sheep :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...
An unkind Aussie joke...
Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
:rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :clap; :clap; :clap;
Good one Darth!!! Sounds like a couple of candidates I just met.
Here is an email i recieved today, gave me a bit of a laugh
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was
at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
My sister has never let me forget it.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter - she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any spare clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
' No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST (BUT NOT LEAST) TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future , likely think before she
speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will
be known as Kevin."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother
beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?² she asked.
Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two
f$#@in' Arabs.